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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be mad? Is it me?

57 replies

Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 13:17

The below is what has happened today but it’s not just about today but it is an example of what is constantly happening between me and my Dh.
Long story short- car has been causing me anxiety as the engine keeps losing power- had two scary situations where I thought I may have a car crash!
Husbands answer to this is it hasn’t happened to him and that it’s the way I’m driving.
My defence - I have had the car for 5 years and only noticed this for the past 5 months.
Anyway car goes to the garage today and guess what?! They ring to say we need to get rid of the car as the engine is failing.
Exactly what I have been saying.
I’m fuming as I feel he never once considered I may be right.
He can’t understand this and why I can’t see his point of view.
My head os scrambled. Any advice?

OP posts:

frerecoler · 01/09/2021 17:18

I think the moral of the story here is don't wait for your husband to validate your concerns and take matters into your own hands.

If it happens a lot, talk to your H.

I don't understand why you are being so passive, if I am honest. (Not being aggressive, just confused)

freeatlast2021 · 01/09/2021 17:19

@Cantspeakpublic I could never explain to myself why he was doing it. What was he thinking? The only explanation I could think of was that he did not want to replace a car, so he was trying to persuade me that nothing is wrong with it. But I drove not just me but OUR kids in that car. We could have had a serious accident in it!!!!

I do not know why I did not take it to the mechanic. I should have, I see it now. But at the time, that was something that only he would do, if he sees the need for it. I was stupid I know, but I allowed my husband to take over the power of making decisions trough out our marriage. Not sure why. Before I married him, I was very independent and self-sufficient. True feminist. But somehow marriage changed me into this submissive doormat. Eventually I got fed up, but after many, many years.

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 18:19

I also think the problem is I’m turning to this forum to ask if I am being reasonable or not in how I am feeling. I don’t have any confidence in myself to know I am justified to feel a certain way.
But then again I am actually not passive as I do confront things and I do get angry about things as I feel inside I am ok to feel this way. But I then get the explanations and the “you are over reacting” and i wonder if it’s me and I am..

OP posts:

Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 18:27

If someone tells you constantly you are overreacting
In 99 out of 100 cases it’s them not you that’s the problem

billy1966 · 01/09/2021 19:10

OP,

You sound very unhappy over a considerable period of time.

He certainly doesn't respect you.

I think you may be done.

Take back your power by looking practically into how you would leave.

Look at leaving carefully and then give some thought to do you want to? Or give him a final chance.

He sounds like a prick but take back control and see how you feel.

Colourmeclear · 01/09/2021 19:41

He sounds like one of those people who think they are helping when they're really not. There's likely some truth in him not wanting to find a new car. I could see how he could feel that by blaming your driving he minimises worry over the lack of control over the car and the fear of having to find a new one. That's no good to you though because you don't want your feelings minimised, you want to be heard and understood. I imagine what you would like to have heard is I'm really sorry about the car, I don't think it's anything to worry about but I know it's worrying you and that's important to me so we'll book it in and see what they say. You don't both have to agree to feel heard and for you to work together.

Some people think forcing others into not feeling things is the only way to support them. It's quite often a reflection of their own processes and how they talk to themselves. It's not acceptable and can really damage relationships. Unfortunately they are rarely self aware enough to make the changes that matter.

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 20:58

Thanks I completely agree. I have often said he seems to look at situations through his eyes only. I’m fine if he thought there was nothing wrong with the car as this is his opinion but why can’t I think there may be? Then to help and maybe reassure me ring the garage.. his stock answer to everything is “ I didn’t think there was a problem.. or I didn’t think that…” I’m like it’s not always what you think. Try and put yourselves in another shoe or understand someone else thinks differently. He is very black and white and gets annoyed when I say this to him but it’s true!

OP posts:

daytriptovulcan · 01/09/2021 21:16

This shows a serious lack of consideration for your safety... You had to push hard to get it seen at the garage right? Hes definetly a bit of a shit really, i agree.

layladomino · 02/09/2021 17:11

I don't understand why you didn't book it in somewhere before now....

If you felt there was something wrong with the car, even if your husband disagreed, you would book it in to a garage.

Why didn't you do that? If it's because you thought your husband might have a point and you doubted your own opinion, then that is the problem. Does he always disagree / undermine you? But also, do you always let him make the decisions / bow to his 'greater' knowledge?

If I thought there was a problem with my car, I would book it in to a garage. I wouldn't wait for my husband's permission to do so.

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 02/09/2021 18:09

I am quite headstrong so would have done this honestly however I thought maybe he was right, had not had the problem too much since and knew it was going for an mot. Then a week before the mot i had another scary experience. I actually said I wanted to get rid of the car and that I was sure there was something wrong etc.
If there had not been an mot I would have insisted. But yes I did also doubt myself as I’m not a mechanic.
I regret not insisting before the second scary near miss but I did think it was something to do with the way I was changing gear as it did make sense.
But yes I have lay awake worrying what if I had have had a bad accident and for that I feel upset and furious.
I should have trusted myself more I agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 02/09/2021 18:11

I wasn’t waiting for permission I suppose I just thought well it’s ok on distances for now and if there is something the garage will report back..
But that was before second experience of that makes sense. After that I didn’t drive it far or fast

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 02/09/2021 18:12

Yes he does think he is right about everything and this issue has involved my and the kids safety so I am really upset this time as it feels the straw that breaks the camels back

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 02/09/2021 18:26

I didn’t think there was a problem.. or I didn’t think that…”

I understand exactly as had this with Ex. Overtime they just invalidate your feelings. A normal person in a relationship looks to their trusted partner to assist with assessments. It's because you are reasonable and perhaps seek agreement that you hear his point of view. A reasonable spouse would believe you and say, "take it to a garage and see what they think".

I suspect your H believes he is right and therefore you must be wrong. I also said Ex H had black & white thinking but actually he is highly manipulative.

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 02/09/2021 18:44

Exactly this..

reasonable spouse would believe you and say, "take it to a garage and see what they think".

I am often saying why do you always argue with me and try and give another view point on a situation..

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 03/09/2021 20:21

@Cantspeakpublic, I couldn't understand why ExH's opinion had to dominate but it was because I didn't "get" manipulative behaviour.

Try reading a few books on toxic relationships and manipulative people. Once you see the signs then it's difficult to unsee. Also look at the pay off for his behaviour. You are on edge, he gets to denigrate you for poor driving and you doubt yourself.

GillBiggeloesHair · 04/09/2021 07:54

Not car related but a few years ago I began to hear scratching noises in the bedroom, mostly at night.
We live abroad and near some fields so I was thinking we had mice or cockroaches in the walls.
Husband dismissed me out of hand for weeks because he couldn't hear it. So frustrating.

Turns out we had borer beetles in every singe door frame.

He discovered this when one of them bored his way out and left a bloody hole. We had to have an exterminator in and now every door frame is damaged.

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 04/09/2021 09:48

Oh no! How did he react to this? Is this isolated or typical for him to dismiss you?
I think that’s the key as for me it happens all the time so this has really capped it all off as it’s such a big one!

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 04/09/2021 12:45

I think that’s the key as for me it happens all the time so this has really capped it all off as it’s such a big one!

It is usually one incident that causes the light bulb moment. My advice is to start a journal. Write down these incidents as it helps to see how pervasive it is. Also use it to assess your reactions. If something is important and you are being invalidated and dismissed then take back some control.

However as I mentioned earlier, we usually expect our spouse to respond reasonably so when we don't get validated we think it must be us. If you reverse your thinking and consider he is looking to control you will adjust your reaction. If he doesn't react badly i.e sulk or get aggressive then you may have a way to change the relationship dynamic.

Others asking why you didn't just take the car perhaps dont understand the dynamic.

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 04/09/2021 13:38

Thank you this is really useful. I will start to do this. He is never agressive but is grumpy and defensive.
I have lost my way a little at wondering if some is me being unreasonable so it is sometimes hard for me to see the wood for the trees but this one to me is very clear.
I’m not sure what is going on with him and often wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum as he often looks blank at me like he doesn’t understand what I am saying but then I wonder am I just trying to make excuses. He is a good person which makes it all the more confusing. (I can go out with friends, stay over, never comments on what I wear etc which would be control flags) I can’t work it out but what I do know is it makes me unhappy.

OP posts:

Sakurami · 04/09/2021 13:52

Some men self allocate the role of your boss when you become a mother or stay home to look after children. Our brains and decision making skills haven't changed just because we no longer work a paid job. I remember my ex used to do this when actually I was more qualified and had a more senior role than him pre becoming a sahm.

Love love living on my own making my own decisions and not having to put up with a sexist and controlling idiot. My kids also don't find his decisions logical and quite often complain.

I also treat my kids with respect and will listen to them and their reasons and discuss things before any decisions that concern them are made.

Sakurami · 04/09/2021 13:52

And my boyfriend is respectful and listens and discusses things with me. They way it should be.

GillBiggeloesHair · 04/09/2021 16:43

@Cantspeakpublic I gave him hell and made him organise the exterminator guy.
Since then he had to have a medical for work and discovered that he has some hearing loss. I do remind him from time to time....

freeatlast2021 · 04/09/2021 19:36

@Cantspeakpublic

Thank you this is really useful. I will start to do this. He is never agressive but is grumpy and defensive. I have lost my way a little at wondering if some is me being unreasonable so it is sometimes hard for me to see the wood for the trees but this one to me is very clear. I’m not sure what is going on with him and often wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum as he often looks blank at me like he doesn’t understand what I am saying but then I wonder am I just trying to make excuses. He is a good person which makes it all the more confusing. (I can go out with friends, stay over, never comments on what I wear etc which would be control flags) I can’t work it out but what I do know is it makes me unhappy.

@Cantspeakpublic Sorry, I know that these are not laughing matters but your comment I’m not sure what is going on with him and often wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum as he often looks blank at me like he doesn’t understand what I am saying made me chuckle. This is exactly what I though about my stbx and I actually told him this once. He would also often look at me in this strange way, where I was not sure if he is not listening or not understanding and often would not comment in any way. I figured that he is probably not listening at all, just waiting for me to finish. He also has no ability to empathize.

Fireflygal · 04/09/2021 21:28

@Cantspeakpublic, I also assumed ASD due to blank response and black & white thinking. He never overtly controlled me or stopped me seeing friends but he was much more manipulative. It took a long time for me to realise Ex was a covert narcissist, which became apparent once I started to take back control.

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Cantspeakpublic · 05/09/2021 09:29

@freeatlast2021 @Fireflygal but how did you know it wasn’t asd? How do I know what it is? I think it would help me to know what on earth is going on to stop me thinking it’s me.
It’s ok to chuckle at it, I understand if you have felt similar!!

OP posts:

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