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Original poster

Mid life stuff?

27 replies

whatth · 01/09/2021 10:18

Hi all

I'm very down and confused at the moment. Please bear with the info coming up and I will try to make it short.

I'm in my mid 50s and living with my dp and 18 yo dc. I work full term time only. I have been divorced twice, first husband was serial cheater and second was abusive. My current partner and I had some problems to begin with but better now. However, he won't go out with me anywhere. We go on separate holidays and he goes to visit his dc abroad. I feel like I'm last on everyone's list of importance. No treat/surprise for my 50th, no being taken out ever. I hear and see women being treated and valued and I feel like I'm unimportant. His dc recently got married and I wasn't even invited and dp just said I would have moaned about the journey and the heat so nobody asked me.

Now I look at my life and think there is something wrong with me to make this happen. I don't know what to do anymore. I also have no sex drive at all which I know isn't great but I feel the only thing dp wants me for is sex.

I know I'm not perfect and I've been offish and pushing him away.

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 01/09/2021 10:33

What is he for?

You are living together and didn't get invited to his DC's wedding "because they thought you would moan about the heat"? You did reply, would have been nice to at least have the opportunity to!

You don't go out together, don't have a holiday together, he never spoils you or makes you feel special, you are not into the sex but it sounds like you go through the motions because it's what he wants. Clearly he can leave the house and go away, just not with you.

So read all this back and put two and two together. He is sucking your life energy.

Move out/kick him out whatever the housing circumstances dictate.

You don't necessarily have to split up but you need this energy sucking arrogant leech out of your living space.

Original poster
whatth · 01/09/2021 10:40

Thanks for your reply. I wasn't expecting that. Before I make him sound too horrendous, he does do stuff around the house.

My dc will be going to Uni soon and all I can see is nothingness. I've tried to talk to him about this but he gets upset and cross. He says I don't bother with him which is probably true too.

OP posts:
Foxmylife · 01/09/2021 10:43

Get rid, you deserve so
Much more

FrancescaContini · 01/09/2021 10:45

He does stuff around the house??!

Wow

You have set your bar incredibly low.

litterbird · 01/09/2021 10:46

I think you need to just exit this relationship and spend time on your own. You aren't actually in a relationship right now, he adds nothing to your life except changing a light bulb or two around the house. If you are pushing him away, not wanting sex and clearly no love or tenderness in your life with him then its clearly a no win life for either of you. Think you need to let each other go and find happiness alone or with someone more compatible. So sorry you are going through this as its making you question everything which can only be a good thing as it can spur you on to better things and a better life.

Original poster
whatth · 01/09/2021 10:49

Don't know what to say. Feeling quite tearful as I don't think I can cope with the shame of another failed relationship.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 01/09/2021 10:55

You’ll get over “the shame” - in time, you may feel relief, then contentment.

Being in a relationship isn’t compulsory.

frozendaisy · 01/09/2021 11:02

@whatth

Don't know what to say. Feeling quite tearful as I don't think I can cope with the shame of another failed relationship.
No shame needed. If you want to be kind say we were going in different directions, pity but these things happen. If you want to be truthful, which I heartily advise, say the energy sapping leech never wanted to go out together,I didn't get invited to his DC's wedding because of some cock and bull story about the heat apparently, yet my 50th was ignored and the sex is uninspiring to say the very least, so I decided no amount of lawn-mowing and washing-up is worth this!
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/09/2021 11:05

Better the fleeting "shame" of ending a relationship than the continuing humiliation of living with a man who doesn't like you and appears to be embarrassed to go out with you in public.

Fuck this arsehole. Get him in the bin! 🚮

frozendaisy · 01/09/2021 11:07

You try talking to him and HE gets upset and cross.

Whose house is it?

If it's your house give him a deadline to leave.
If it's his house start looking at moving now DC is moving out anyway.

It won't just be nothingness then it will be continued deliberate omitting from anything fun.

He really is poison to you. He really is.

Original poster
whatth · 01/09/2021 11:18

I own the house. I can't face it all. I know I'm weak but I also suffer from anxiety and depression and feel powerless. I don't see that anyone is ever going to treat me well based on my past. Good things happen to other people but not me. I know how pathetic this sounds but I've had a pretty difficult life compared to some but not as bad as lots of others so am trying not to feel sorry for myself.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 01/09/2021 11:22

What can’t you face?

Divebar2021 · 01/09/2021 11:23

Do you think you might be depressed because you’re in an unhappy relationship? Do you make him happy?

OneAugustNight · 01/09/2021 11:25

It’s not shameful to end a bad relationship, quite the opposite.

Original poster
whatth · 01/09/2021 11:28

I can't face a break up. This isn't helping my depression but I've suffered with it for years. I need to think.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 01/09/2021 11:30

Come on woman.. You own the house, you are a full time professional teacher? You're twice divorced. Me too. Exactly that. I think I bloody rock for holding down my job, raising 2 kids and owning a house. My relationships ended. Thats all. Not everything has to last forever for it to have been right or successful. This man sounds like a miserable waste of space. Get rid.. Be proud of taking charge. Treat yourself to whatever you like, new books, an expensive candle, great big overblown flowers in vases. I 100% guarantee you that some of your colleagues in 25 year 'meh' marriages will be envious of your freedom and autonomy. This man makes you unhappy. You are not trapped by finances or small kids. He's living in your house (paying any rent? Bills?). And being awful to you. Just tell him you're done.

ferando81 · 01/09/2021 11:36

Why is he with you ?He doesn’t take you out or seem to enjoy your company .He is using you -get rid .To be objective ask a friend if you have major faults ( we all have )and see if the reason he doesn’t take you out is partially your fault .Even if it is ,you shouldn’t stay together

Renardo · 01/09/2021 11:38

It sounds like you could do with some therapy/counselling. It might help to clear your mind so you could make a decision about your relationship and your future. You're more likely to coast along in a situation you're not truly happy in when you feel you're stretched mentally.

KimDeals · 01/09/2021 11:43

When I left my partner, the father of my children, I remember thinking, literally, he brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning, maybe I would miss that - like, WHAT A HERO! If I’d ever said that out loud I’m sure I’d have been committed.

it’s amazing how we cling to rather ridiculous notions of what being a “good” partner is.

This partner isn’t good or kind to you. He really isn’t. If you could, wouldn’t you want to raise that bar? You can. You don’t have to be with him.

I think that’s just awful about the wedding. That is very hurtful.

KimDeals · 01/09/2021 11:45

@whatth

I own the house. I can't face it all. I know I'm weak but I also suffer from anxiety and depression and feel powerless. I don't see that anyone is ever going to treat me well based on my past. Good things happen to other people but not me. I know how pathetic this sounds but I've had a pretty difficult life compared to some but not as bad as lots of others so am trying not to feel sorry for myself.
You are stronger than you think xx It’s always overwhelming at the start of a big change. Nobody in their right mind can walk though it easily.

Good things can happen to you. You are not pathetic.

Original poster
whatth · 01/09/2021 13:23

You're all so kind and I am taking it in. He's texting me saying it's all gone wrong because we're not intimate. He's still just thinking about sex. I don't know what to say as he says I've pushed him away. He won't listen to a word I'm saying.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 01/09/2021 13:42

@whatth

What is he for?
Excellent question from @frozendaisy

Every time you lie on the floor for him to walk on, think of this question.

This man doesn't in any way deserve you my dear. You are there for his convenience but he does not see you as an equal in his life.

You are, financially, in a much better position than so many people who are in poor relations and really can't get out.

Show him the door out of your home and your life and change the locks.

The "shame", as another PP said, is to stay in this relationship and beg for crumbs of kindness from him.

Do yourself a favour - let him go (actually kick him out) and get yourself some talking therapy with a neutral professional counsellor, who can help you clarify your next steps and value yourself more than this.

Good luck - there's a better future out there if you want to grab it. 🌹

frozendaisy · 01/09/2021 16:22

He lives in your house, with your child, but you didn't get an invite to his child's wedding. Can you not see the imbalance here?

Yet it's all YOUR fault because you don't put out.

Honestly personally I would tell him to leave. But if you're not going to do that then what are you going to do?

frozendaisy · 01/09/2021 16:24

If I lived with someone in my house and they didn't invite me to the wedding, not saying you would've gone, the locks would have been changed before their return plane landed.

Seaoftroubles · 01/09/2021 16:48

He is bringing nothing to your marriage and draining the life out of you. No wonder you have anxiety and depression, l bet that would disappear if you got rid of him. And blaming you for lack of intimacy when he does nothing to make you feel special or included? What an entitled specimen he is. Please ask him to leave and get some counselling to help you understand why you are prepared to tolerate such unpleasant behaviour. You deserve so much better than this.