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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I chucked a glass of water over him

47 replies

bembridge11 · 31/08/2021 22:43

I need help to keep me from going back to my bf. He fat shames me for no reason. I suspect he has some personal body dysmorphia issues that he projects onto me. I am 50, have had 3 kids and am perimenopausal. I am a size 10-12 and exercise 4 times a week and I look about ten years younger than my age. So I feel good about myself!
I know I can do better than a man who behaves like this - I deserve a man who will cherish me as I am - not be hankering for a slimmer model. But I love this person and I have shown him so much love and tolerance for his crappy behaviour but of course he hasn't changed - as he has shown me the man he is after all. Today I ended up walking out of the restaurant after he made another comment about my figure. I chucked a glass of water in his lap and left (I acknowledge this is childish of me and unhelpful). We dont live together and are financially independent: He has left now and I gave him back the jewellery he gave me - diamond ring and earrings and he has taken his few clothes that were kept here. But when my fury dies down by tomorrow I will miss him and soften my stance and he will calm down also. But we can't carry on like this. It feels v unhealthy. How do I keep the logical head from winning over my foolish heart??? Please help!

OP posts:

Givemethatknife · 31/08/2021 23:05

If your daughter was dating a guy like this what would you say to her? And why would you treat yourself any different.

If you are even entertaining letting him back you are mad - men like this test boundaries to find a woman they can treat like shit. He will get worse and worse, and your self esteem (which I suspect isn’t as good as you think or you wouldn’t put up with this) will be in tatters.

If you aren’t able to do it for yourself, do it for your kids - they don’t need a mother in an abusive relationship.

Pegsonstrings · 31/08/2021 23:11

Why do men do this? I am also fifty, two kids and all that jazz but why do men have to say these things? Good you chucked him and by going back? Possibly? You are just giving an ammunition to do this again right?

Bananalanacake · 31/08/2021 23:13

It wouldn't matter whatever size you are, no man has the right to comment on your body. Well done on dumping him.

AndTime · 31/08/2021 23:14

When I was struggling to stand my ground with an ex who was very similar to yours, I wrote out some of the horrible things he had said and stick it to my bedroom mirror. A visual reminder every day of how toxic he is. By having it on the mirror it also served as a reminder that the things he said were untrue.

MorriseysGladioli · 31/08/2021 23:14

Make a list (on here, if you need others' input) of all the put downs you've endured.
I bet there are some you would feel embarrassed to admit to (I have loads!)
Refer to list frequently when your resolve starts to weaken.

Hellotoallmyfans · 31/08/2021 23:18

He is doing it to try and pull you down bc you are obviously a confident woman who looks good for her age. This is down to his own insecurities, he wants to pull you down to his level. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you to feel good about yourself?

It's also not good that his behaviour is causing you to react in a violent manner (after all, if I saw a man throw a glass of water over a woman I would be disgusted)

You need to strengthen your resolve and not see him again - you know it is going nowhere.

Nannyamc · 31/08/2021 23:20

Never ever let a man diminish you. You have a great figure. He is attacking your confidence and self esteem. Be very proud of yourself.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2021 23:23

You were right to get rid of him but wrong to get rid of your jewellery.

wobblywinelover · 31/08/2021 23:25

What an asshole, i'm willing to bet he looks like a right shit show himself. In the bin. What a shallow ungracious b that he is. hold your head up high

Chloemol · 31/08/2021 23:52

You remember how you felt when you were driven to throw that glass of water over him, you remember how you felt at every other comment he passed. You remember that he has had plenty of opportunity to change, hasn’t and obviously isn’t going to

You remind yourself you deserve better than him

IdblowJonSnow · 01/09/2021 00:04

Personally I'd get the jewellery back and then ditch him for good.

bluebell34567 · 01/09/2021 00:22

no contact.

Journeynotdestination · 01/09/2021 00:25

People don’t change. He’s negging you.

DoylyCarte · 01/09/2021 00:42

Yes, retrieve the diamonds then fk him off. He’ll slowly destroy you with this horrible, disrespectful and revolting behaviour.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 01/09/2021 00:54

He's a disgusting piece of shit, please don't take him back. You have a great figure but even if you hadn't no-one should speak to you like this, certainly not a person who is meant to love you! Tell him to stick his diamonds up his arse.

lilmishap · 01/09/2021 00:58

Does he have an 11 inch ribbed for your pleasure cock?
Do you lose yourself looking at his greek god body?
Does he ejaculate strawberry cotton candy?

If not why are you not bitching at him about it? Is that cause you're not a cunt?

Roblox01 · 01/09/2021 06:12

This isn't healthy. He's making jibes and you are throwing things at him.

I think best you both move on before this escalates. Or at least have some form of counselling and see if things can change although sounds unlikely.

NiceTwin · 01/09/2021 06:19

I couldn't be doing with him. There are plenty of nice fellas out there, you don't need to put up with one like that.
I have a very low bar for tolerance. I works rather be single than with somebody who.is going to run me down.

FreeBritnee · 01/09/2021 06:26

What you do is NOT soften when you calm down. You stay furious and you get rid of him.

fedup078 · 01/09/2021 07:59

Please end this now and don't go back
It's done , please show him you won't put up with this shit and that you have more self respect .

Original poster

bembridge11 · 01/09/2021 08:59

I am reading and re-reading all your messages. Thankyou for taking the time to reply and support me. I feel so devastated and am hyperventilating as I travel into work. But then I keep opening the mumsnet app and re-reading these messages to help me.
It is true that my own self esteem was shot to pieces after a horrific divorce. And I should go and get myself some therapy to sort my own head out and heal the damage that I carry.
But I did truly love this man - and so my heart is breaking with grief.
Thankyou for all your helpful messages

OP posts:

CorrBlimeyGG · 01/09/2021 09:48

He's pushed you to the point that you've now become abusive too. That's not the real you and you need to take steps to make sure it never happens again. Is that a good enough reason to block him?

Take back control, of the way you let people treat you but also your own actions. Talk to someone about what you've been through and how you're feeling now - just not him!

Bbub · 01/09/2021 09:55

No man should ever comment on your body like that, what a piece of shit. We can't help who we love but we can choose what we stand for.

Im not preaching, I put up with years and years of verbal abuse before leaving my ex, and regret it so much, but you have a chance to change your situation now. You can do this OP, you've come so far by ditching him in the first place. Well done and keep coming back for support

frozendaisy · 01/09/2021 10:40

You say "you feel good about yourself" and so you should.

He sounds nasty and shallow, he thinks he "deserves a slimmer model" honestly there is so much more to life than shallow dress size.

Carry on gym-ing, find someone who tells you you are beautiful and inspires your mind and soul and leave this nasty shallow puddle chasing the impossible slim dream woman.

mum11970 · 01/09/2021 10:59

He sounds like a prize prick if he is trying to police what you eat. What exactly did he say, or what does sort of comments does he usually pass? Is it at all possible you are misinterpreting comments or is it plainly obvious he is just a horribly shallow person?

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