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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I chucked a glass of water over him

47 replies

bembridge11 · 31/08/2021 22:43

I need help to keep me from going back to my bf. He fat shames me for no reason. I suspect he has some personal body dysmorphia issues that he projects onto me. I am 50, have had 3 kids and am perimenopausal. I am a size 10-12 and exercise 4 times a week and I look about ten years younger than my age. So I feel good about myself!
I know I can do better than a man who behaves like this - I deserve a man who will cherish me as I am - not be hankering for a slimmer model. But I love this person and I have shown him so much love and tolerance for his crappy behaviour but of course he hasn't changed - as he has shown me the man he is after all. Today I ended up walking out of the restaurant after he made another comment about my figure. I chucked a glass of water in his lap and left (I acknowledge this is childish of me and unhelpful). We dont live together and are financially independent: He has left now and I gave him back the jewellery he gave me - diamond ring and earrings and he has taken his few clothes that were kept here. But when my fury dies down by tomorrow I will miss him and soften my stance and he will calm down also. But we can't carry on like this. It feels v unhealthy. How do I keep the logical head from winning over my foolish heart??? Please help!

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 01/09/2021 11:07

You loved a version of him.

But he's a giant negging mess and will make you miserable and doubt yourself. Very little attractive in that.

Why sign yourself up for more drama when you can feel good about yourself without him criticising you

His comments have nothing to do with your figure - he just doesn't like you feeling good about yourself.

me4real · 01/09/2021 11:16

ut when my fury dies down by tomorrow I will miss him and soften my stance and he will calm down also. But we can't carry on like this. It feels v unhealthy. How do I keep the logical head from winning over my foolish heart???

@bembridge11 Block him on everything. That way it's harder for you to get back in touch with him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 01/09/2021 11:20

What do you love about him? What does he do that makes you feel he loves you?

Sakurami · 01/09/2021 11:22

He is vile. And an insecure pathetic little man.

Think - would you ever in a million years go out to dinner with a friend, or family or anyone, and criticise their looks? It wouldn't occur to you, right? Especially not the person you're supposed to love!

And you can't be fat if you're a size 10-12! I have gone up a size in lockdown and my bf hasn't changed the way he feels about me and looks at me and talks to me. And vice versa.

He's a nasty man.

bigbaggyeyes · 01/09/2021 11:22

Be proud of the person you are and for standing up for yourself.

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2021 11:26

What were the presents for OP

stepupandbecounted · 01/09/2021 11:50

Your heart should be breaking with grief for yourself not him! How dare he say those things to you.

He is trying to ruin your confidence. He is trying to wreck your self esteem, if you stay with him you are going to have neither left in six months and then you will be stuck with him chipping away at you forever.

I know at 50 it is not nice to realise we have been had, that we did not spot this little weasel long before, but I suspect it was gradual and that he was extremely charming at the beginning.

Hold on to that anger and leave him for good. He does not deserve you, he will do this to the next woman trust me. You could be a skeleton and he would complain about a lack of curves. He doesn't like women really and has shown you his true colours. Flowers now go and get your life back! Life is much to short half a century in, to waste on this loser.

Journeynotdestination · 01/09/2021 12:06

You may love him, but its a toxic love which will lead to trauma bonding. It’s not joyful, kind or happy.

My toxic ex started criticising my hair, it’s long & is one of my best features… didn’t like my favourite coat either, or how my hair looked on that coat. He ended up being abusive in other ways. Looking back I should have got rid when he was chipping away at my self esteem via my hair/clothes. But I didn’t & let it get worse. It’s much better to get out now and start a path to happiness. The love you feel for this man is for the ‘nice’ facade he presents. But it is just a facade. I still love the nice facade of my ex, if that was genuinely him it would have been a dream come true, but it’s a lie OP. Don’t be fooled.

Eechuffingnuff · 01/09/2021 12:13

Fuck that.

Don't let yourself think about the details. Step back and don't go past the "I can't be in a relationship with someone who says those kind of things". Then all you have to do is say "did he say that? Yes. Then I can't be in a relationship like that". It's a much shorter cycle of "did I do the right thing?" And you don't get dragged into the endless looping of thoughts beyond that, which is simple and what it all comes down to.

CoasterCoaster · 01/09/2021 12:16

Agree completely that you loved a version of him, the version that doesn't fat shame or put you down, the version that doesn't actually exist! Going back will only ever lead to disappointment and having to start this whole painful process of separating from him again because the real version of him is nowhere near good enough for you. So you can either keep repeating this pattern, letting him back in only for him to disappoint you yet again (because you know deep down you're too good for him) or you can rip the plaster off now and save yourself any more wasted time. If you go back you will end up here again because he won't change.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/09/2021 12:22

He knows you can do a lot better than him and he's trying to keep you in your place, put you down and make you believe that's the best you can do. Run OP.

daisyjgrey · 01/09/2021 12:27

It doesn't matter what dress size you are or how old you look. He shouldn't body shame you regardless.

Fuck. Him. Off.

starrynight87 · 01/09/2021 12:45

He has no respect for you or your feelings.

You deserve better x

CrimeJunkie01 · 01/09/2021 12:53

@bembridge11

I am reading and re-reading all your messages. Thankyou for taking the time to reply and support me. I feel so devastated and am hyperventilating as I travel into work. But then I keep opening the mumsnet app and re-reading these messages to help me. It is true that my own self esteem was shot to pieces after a horrific divorce. And I should go and get myself some therapy to sort my own head out and heal the damage that I carry. But I did truly love this man - and so my heart is breaking with grief. Thankyou for all your helpful messages
Hi @bembridge11 I totally feel your pain. I've spent 4 years in a relationship with a man who was toxic. He seemed to hate every part of me all the while telling me he loved me. We went for counselling, argued and I behaved in ways that I hated. Eventually he rented a house behind my back and moved out. I'm devastated. I love him so much and just want him back, even though I know he's toxic and wrong for me. 2 days before he left I wrote a list of everything I wanted back from my life that I had lost with him. I don't actually think it helped but I look at it now and then to try to remind myself.

I have no self esteem, feel totally alone and lost. It sucks. I've got counselling booked but I'm not sure it's helping. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone

bembridge11 · 01/09/2021 14:51

@CrimeJunkie01 I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope counselling will help and please do go for counselling and also keep an open mind: someone above mentioned the trauma bond and this is something I need to think about also as to why I kept someone in my life who was constantly dragging me down.

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 01/09/2021 14:54

I really love(d) my ex, regardless of his many failings.
I'm more at peace loving him from a distance, though.

Couchbettato · 01/09/2021 15:12

In many years time when you're on your deathbed looking back at how you spent your life, reconciling with him tomorrow will definitely be up there.

Do not waste a single minute more of your life, your ONE life, on this bag of crap.

NoviceNewMN · 01/09/2021 17:49

He is not nice or kind. It is an unpleasant thing to do to try to undermine someone. No one should do it to the person they love.

Normally people that do this are insecure themselves and trying to control. Theory is - She might leave me because I'm shit. If she thinks she's fat, she'll be too paranoid to leave me so she'll cling harder to me. I'll abuse her some more to make her more mine and tighten that noose.

Beyond the fact it is abusive, it's also pointless.

For every woman who is a size 6, there will be a man who thinks she's too fat and should be a size 0. If that's what turns him on, he should date a size 0 woman and leave the size6 woman alone.

For every woman who is a size 18, there will be a man who thinks she's too thin and could do with some more to hold on to. This man should leave the size 18 woman alone, if that's what he wants and date someone heavier.

For every blonde woman, there's a man that wants a brunette.

For every brunette, there's a man that wants a red head.

On and on and on.

People should be not abusive and stay away from people who physically are not their cup of tea.

Dump him forever.

JovialNickname · 07/09/2021 01:26

The throwing water was good. He deserved it! However I think you need to move your anger from passionate, heat of the moment actions like that to real, deep, slow burn anger. Move emotionally if you can from dramatic actions to knowing this is wrong for you. You don't want a man like this. You really don't. The water throwing was your innermost feelings fighting back. Listen to your real emotions! Feel the anger you felt then in a "slow burn" way. You don't need him and your instincts are telling you so. Go and find better x

Lightlady · 07/09/2021 01:39

We can love people all we like
If they are assholes and treat us badly we need to have enough self respect to get them out of our lives
Love is not an excuse to put up is poor treatment

Ilady · 07/09/2021 02:54

He his a horrible individual. I am sure he is a fabulous looking man with no trace of a beer belly to say those thing's to you. He wants to put you in your place and once your their he thinks you have no other option than him. He has been doing this for a while and you finally had enough. You deserve so much better than a man like him. Tell him to get lost.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2021 08:04

I think you loved the "nice" version of him but that was an act maintained just long enough to draw you in. Would you be wanting your DC to date someone like him, this giant negging abusive mess?. No you would not. He is not good enough for you either.

Trauma bonding and codependency are real issues and you may be both here. Do read about trauma bonding and codependency in relationships and see how much that relates to you.

Your boundaries, already skewed by an awful divorce, have been further shredded by this particular individual. You are correct to surmise you need therapy; I would suggest you look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme to start with. This will help you as part of your ongoing recovery from abuse. I would also look at BACPs website to find a counsellor to work with; you need to unlearn all the crap you have picked up about relationships along the way.

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