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Original poster

Mum struggles and DH

31 replies

Lemonsandlemonade · 31/08/2021 21:24

Right I have a lovely nearly three month baby.

Last few nights he has been crap at going to sleep after being really really good.

I am tired and a bit snappy but DH thinks I have it easy as I am at home all day with DS.

Take today though I had been up at 12-2 then 4-6 6:30 7:30 then 8:15 am with DS. We played and did things all morning he fell asleep around 12 for an hour but was on me. DH is in spare room as lack of sleep he is a nightmare. This works for family dynamic.

We played more then at 4pm DH took ds in car ( he would never take him for a walk) for me to have a break. He was back by 5/30. I had done tea in that time. Ds has gone to sleep finally.

So aside from 1 hour and a half I have been with ds all day.

I took him out at 7:30’for over an hour to settle him as nothing else was working ( this is rare)

I love my husband but am fed up. I know I’m facilitating some of this by not making DH do it. We are arguing and DH can say things in heat of moment but this has knocked my confidence.

I dunno how to get DH to value me and all I do I know I shouldn’t have to.

When DH does spend time with us as a family he is great attentive full of fun.

Sorry for the ramble

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 31/08/2021 21:25

DH sleeping in spare room works for us not me being up all night

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Outfoxedbyrabbits · 31/08/2021 21:30

Well if looking after a baby is so bloody easy your DH can look after the baby all the time he's not at work, can't he? What's good for the goose and all that. He has no appreciation for what you do. Has he ever spent much time in charge of the baby?

PersonaNonGarter · 31/08/2021 21:32

I think you have fallen into the trap of division of labour.

He has it way way easier than you. So you need to express some milk and leave him to it.

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 31/08/2021 21:35

I would say he has had DS for 6 hours in Total on his own with me not around. This is something that has to change.

Ds is EBF but goes three hours between feeds.

When he does have him he sees it’s hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 31/08/2021 21:36

@PersonaNonGarter I think you have hit nail on head there to be honest.

How do I get DH to see it though and divide roles?

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2021 21:37

You absoloutley need to say, firmly, to dh that either solo parenting is easy in which case he can do some of it, or it is hard, in which case he needs to help.

LadySybilRamekin · 31/08/2021 21:40

"DH thinks I have it easy as I am at home all day with DS" and "When he does have him he sees it’s hard work" - he can't have it both ways!

Time for the old Mumsnet stalwart: either looking after DS is easy-peasy, in which case your husband won't mind taking him for most of Saturday between feeds, say. OR it's hard work, which means you need a break and your husband needs to take DS.

LadySybilRamekin · 31/08/2021 21:41

And don't accept him trying to say it's easier for you. Maybe it is, because you have more practice. It's time he gets some too, or you will be the default parent for ever which is really shit.

KILNAMATRA · 31/08/2021 21:46

A night away with the girls? Let him have at it ?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2021 21:48

As he gets full nights of unbroken sleep, does he get up with ds early and let you lay in (after a feed)?

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 31/08/2021 21:50

Great advice on here thanks I have to nip it in the bud now as I will not be the one who does everything all of the time.

I just wish my DH would be more like my dad. My dad passed March 2020 but he was the best dad ever. Even though he worked full time he cooked and ironed and shopped and well shared the responsibility with my mum. Mum earned more and worked more hours so dad often did bed time etc.

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Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 31/08/2021 21:53

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz when I insist yes but only when I insist.

And yet today he took DS for a drive when I was tired without me asking.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2021 22:01

What was he like before DC?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2021 22:02

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz when I insist yes but only when I insist

I think you need to insist on at least one weekend lie in every single week.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2021 22:05

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You absoloutley need to say, firmly, to dh that either solo parenting is easy in which case he can do some of it, or it is hard, in which case he needs to help.
This x1000
SheliasBroomIsLonger · 31/08/2021 22:12

He needs to basically spend the weekend looking after Ds and the only thing you do is the feeding. If it is sooo easy then it will be a lovely relaxing weekend for him won't it? Wink

The thing is he has never had to figure out showering, going to the toilet, making lunch etc whilst having a baby to look after, especially if they are crying and you have been holding a wee in for 2 hours. Unless he does these things he is never going to understand.

Dh was hands on from day 1 and I was breastfeeding. Even in the night, I would feed Ds and hand him over to Dh to wind and change. Every weekend Dh would get a Saturday lie in and I a Sunday lie in.

Don't fall into the trap of weekends being "family time" which means he never has his child one to one, you are always around and he will never learn.

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 01/09/2021 08:38

You are all right.

I text him this morning ( he leaves for work early) he basically he feels I am incorrect in my assessment.

He said he was up at 5 and went to bed at 9 with no rest in between

DH official work start time is 7. He gets there for 6 has a coffee and starts work by 6:30. His choice. The only thing he did before going was walk dog.

I don’t see how that compares to my day.

I will speak to him tonight

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Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 01/09/2021 08:39

I should add he finished at 3 yesterday

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Mummasdiary2021 · 01/09/2021 08:47

I sometimes wonder if men think we have it easy because we just get on with it and are just natural at it. I think women can manage cooking dinner while baby is crying or having a bath whilst juggling a baby. My other half works long hours but helps out as much as he can when he's at home but I just don't think he really gets it like he would completely stop making dinner to tend to baby if she cried and would hold her until I came to his rescue where I would quickly settle her or give her a change of scenery and carry on (unless she needed something obvs). I know he sees how hard it is but I don't really think it sinks in. It's like knowing a film is scary but not really realising how scary it is until you watch it if that makes sense

GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 09:03

Great advice. I would say though that when he took the baby for an hour and a half yesterday, you should have had a nap. Dinner can be something out of the freezer on days like that.

SarahBellam · 01/09/2021 09:09

Don’t let him take DS out in the car at 4pm! He’s going to sleep in the car - that’s an hour and a half nap two hours before bedtime. No wonder he takes so long to get to sleep.

Dancingontheceiling1 · 01/09/2021 09:17

Story as old as time. Man goes to work for paid employment and decides that is all he is doing cos he works all day🙄. Normally intelligent man also suddenly too incapable to look after baby or children alone let alone take them out of the house. Hope you can nip it in the bud before you hate his guts.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2021 16:36

What did he do from 3-9?

Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 01/09/2021 19:52

Thanks for all your advice have had a long chat to DH.

He has conceded and has seen my points I plan to now push on and get DH doing more by hook or by crook I will not be doing all the work as I will end up hating him. He knows how upset and tired I am.

@SarahBellam I take your point but DS hasn’t slept at all since about 9:30 that morning, he also had terrible reflux so does take an age to settle him.

@MrsTerryPratchett took ds out in car and then finished cooking the tea then nothing at all as he was tired 🙄.

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Original poster
Lemonsandlemonade · 01/09/2021 20:11

Just when I thought I had got through DH has said something that has lit a fire under me. He said why am I not like other woman who would manage a baby and cook and clean to which I replied probably with husbands who actually pull their weight.

I know this is gaslighting at its best.

I have come to bed with DS sleeping as I am so ashamed of DH where has my caring husband gone.

I have nothing to say to him right now.

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