Worried about what people think of me as a former abuse victim, especially boyfriends parents.

[Strawberry38]

Does anyone ever worry post abuse what people are thinking about them?

I don’t know why I’m doing this but I keep wondering what my boyfriends parents think about him dating a former abuse victim who is still over coming ptsd. And one whose child doesn’t see there dad because I stopped it trying to protect them.

I know it’s none of their business but I can’t help but think they must think let this one go with all her baggage. When I tell him snip bits I think to myself I must sound like an idiot. It’s impossible to explain to those who have not experienced it. Some times I need to bring it up as I maybe hit a trigger and want to be open. But out of context it all sounds ridiculous.

Whenever I have brought my past up before it has always been met with “why did you stay” or “I would never have go caught like that” or “you chose him to be the father”. I have no real clue myself why I stayed with him other then that’s just how abuse works, it’s senseless. I am ashamed of myself for some of the things I have done although I understand I did what I did in the time and outside of it it looks senseless.

I know it’s none of their business but I can’t help but think they must think let this one go with all her baggage.

Only the first part of that sentence is meaningful.

You stayed because that's what women do, in the vast majority of cases. Women stay for a long time. And leaving can be dangerous too so there's that. Everyone can fight a hypothetical battle, when they'd really be scared.

Hold your head up. You did nothing wrong.

I did so many stupid things wrong though. I am not really happy with myself so I’m probably just projecting that. I have no idea if they think anything bad. I assume my boyfriend thinks I’m an idiot because I think I am.

Other people who I’ve mentioned it to definitely think I was stupid.

Oh darling. Protect yourself from people who don't understand. Your fear of their judgement makes me weep for you.
You. are. not. to. blame.

Do you need to be telling all and sundry your personal business or past relationship history and is it really necessary for e.g. a new boyfriend’s parents to know the ins and outs of it? I can understand disclosing to a boyfriend, but surely he doesn’t need to tell his family and friends anything beyond that your DC doesn’t have contact with his dad. Whose idea is it for him to be sharing what is essentially very personal and sensitive information about you?

Why are you telling your boyfriend's parents such intimate details about your life? Far, far too much information for people who don't need to know it.

I haven’t told them anything and I’ve mentioned very small bits to him. I just feel like they thinking this about me. I have literally made it all up in my head really.

DS' DP was abused in her previous relationship. So was my closest friend, and indeed my other DS. I used to work with Women's Aid so understand some of the dynamics, I'm not judging any of them, and I would have nothing but sympathy for you.

I would think that you are incredibly resilient and brave. I'd think you've been through a lot and would empathise that things were probably complicated.

I just don’t feel that likeable. I’m stuck on just how rubbish the relationship was and why I so desperately clinged onto it, feels a bit pathetic. I don’t particularly like the person I was back then. They probably are if anything thinking nice things I suppose.

Have you had any counselling support for the PTSD? Sounds like you need a proper debrief.

Very gently OP, do you think you are quite ready to date yet? It takes a LONG time to recover from abuse. You sound very negative about yourself - have you had any therapy, done the Freedom programme or anything like that?

Why tell them ? Non of their business.

Yeah I’ve done the freedom programme and have spoken about the abuse. I get it all intellectually but I’m really not happy with myself at the moment, well the past me. I’m ok with me now as I have boundaries and I’m not the same anymore. It won’t happen again that’s for sure. I have outgrown that version of me quite a bit but I have to say I’m a little ashamed of her/me then.

My boyfriend has helped me a great deal as without him I would not have seen the other side of a relationship and have nothing to compare to.

Tbh op, he doesn't sound like a very nice man. His words are very cold and victim blamey. And why would he tell his parents about your past?

I'm sorry op but the second someone implies you are to blame for being abused is the second you should remove them from your life. It sounds like your boundaries are still not up to scratch because of the last abuser.

Dont excuse that shit as tactlessness because no one normal would ever say that shit to someone who has mentioned abuse to them. He is the same as your ex. Maybe a watered down version, maybe not,but he needs to go.

In the kindest possible way, you are not ready to date yet and you are still missing red flags and blaming yourself for other ppl shitty behaviour.

Ps:I'm sure he was lovely...in the beginning. But now his true colours are starting to show through.

@Pinkbonbon sorry it wasn’t him who made those comments. I made the mistake of mentioning it to close work colleagues as we had mental health awareness, they said those comments.

You know, quite often women escaping and recovering from abuse mistake a 'less abusive' relationship for a 'non-abusive' relationship. Your BF's comments don't sound very kind. Please keep your boundaries high and continue to work on maintaining them.

As for what I would think of you? I would think you are a total fucking hero for escaping. I would think that maybe you've absorbed an awful lot of messages from society that somehow you're to blame for your trauma. I would think that is not true and I would encourage you to believe that I am right. Because I am. I hope there are some people in your life cheerleading for you, you deserve it.

Sorry @NoYOUbekind it was work colleagues who made those comments. I have no one in my life cheering me on but myself.

Ahh! I getcha. Office arseholes. Yeah dont tell them anything, they are not your friends by the sound of things.

Unfortunately office bullies have a tendency to hone in on abuse victims too. I guess predators in all forms can smell blood in the water.

Know that the mean things they say are a reflection of their lack of basic human decency and not a reflection on you op.

As for your bfs parents, I doubt they've given your situation a seconds thought tbh. Maybe if you were due to marry him they might. But as is... I wouldn't worry about it.

Honestly, reading the things you have written about yourself here, all I think is what a strong, brave person you must be, to have escaped and arrived in a good place now. Particularly, admiration that you saved your child from that situation. If I learnt that someone I know had survived abuse, I would only have 'good' thoughts about them - similarly, admiration that they pulled through that.

I'm astounded by the insensitive comments of your colleagues and can only think that they were caught off guard and said something stupid without thinking and now they are absolutely kicking themselves for it.

That makes it a bit different, if you’re just speculating on what they might think of you despite having not been told much/anything. If his parents and other people you don’t know particularly well don’t actually know anything about your background, it’s unlikely they’re thinking very much at all. The vast majority of people really don’t think very long or hard or anything in particular about people who are relatively peripheral to their lives. Most people - as you’ve demonstrated, in posting all about yourself and what other people might think about you - are mostly always thinking about themselves and their own image rather than those around them. I very much doubt they’re speculating about you or giving anything more than passing thoughts.

Yes, I worry about this too. My abuse was from my mother not partners though. I have had abusive partners but they can never damage me more than my own mother did.

One of children is an adult now and he told me I am a "fucking hero" and the strongest person he knows. He said that he thinks I would have been unstoppable had I had me as a mother instead of my own.

It made me realise that most other people don't see us as victims. They see our strength and resilience. Certainly those who care about us. There will be some who judge and ask why you stayed etc but they've already revealed that it's because they say they wouldn't stay etc. and a lot of victim blaming happens because people are trying to reassure themselves that they are safe and it could never happen to them because they wouldn't let it but, as you say, that's not how abuse works.

People do come out with stupid comments about abusive relationships if they have little understanding of it (your work colleagues.)

It's hard to not feel judged, for many reasons, and single mums do get judged sometimes. Your ex will have made you feel things were somehow caused by you or your fault. Abusive people can project and make us feel a lot of shame about ourselves.

You need to keep working towards seeing the shame for what it is, bring it into the light. Forgive yourself for being with your ex, you weren't to know in advance. It really was not your fault what he did. Start building yourself up. The more you heal yourself the more you won't care as much what others think. You have escaped an abusive situation and protected your kid, good on you.

I have been in a similar position, violent ex, went through the courts and now he does not see her. The whole situation at the time was incredibly difficult to manage and in particular what to say to colleagues, friends, family, new partners and their family.

I have to say I didn't always succeed because I over shared at first- so people felt over whelmed by me. Then I said nothing to new people in my life- that was hard too because it is part of who I am and has shaped the person I am too.

I went back to over sharing, but when my friendship was developed and I only said it once, then never again.

Luckily my partners mom had been through something similar so could empathise and my partner listened and didn't judge me.

It isn't easy but the true friends you have will understand and the ones who you aren't close too I'd simply not say a word.

If this was a friend of yours saying this about herself, about choices she made or what happened to her in the past, what would you say to her?

I also think you need a debrief so you can get past this. Either your bf or, preferably, a professional. No need to tell his parents, or anyone else.