Worried about what people think of me as a former abuse victim, especially boyfriends parents.

[Strawberry38]

Does anyone ever worry post abuse what people are thinking about them?

I don’t know why I’m doing this but I keep wondering what my boyfriends parents think about him dating a former abuse victim who is still over coming ptsd. And one whose child doesn’t see there dad because I stopped it trying to protect them.

I know it’s none of their business but I can’t help but think they must think let this one go with all her baggage. When I tell him snip bits I think to myself I must sound like an idiot. It’s impossible to explain to those who have not experienced it. Some times I need to bring it up as I maybe hit a trigger and want to be open. But out of context it all sounds ridiculous.

Whenever I have brought my past up before it has always been met with “why did you stay” or “I would never have go caught like that” or “you chose him to be the father”. I have no real clue myself why I stayed with him other then that’s just how abuse works, it’s senseless. I am ashamed of myself for some of the things I have done although I understand I did what I did in the time and outside of it it looks senseless.

@Strawberry38

Sorry *@NoYOUbekind* it was work colleagues who made those comments. I have no one in my life cheering me on but myself.

Well I'm cheering you on lovie, if it helps. I'm pleased it wasn't your boyfriend who made those comments too.

Oh, and be kind to yourself . It was not your fault!

Well that’s the thing his behaviour may not have been his fault but I certainly didn’t help. The relationship was incredibly toxic, he brought out the absolute worst in me. I so desperately clung on because I wanted to be loved when I realise now I could have left and I have someone who loves me now even tho I’ve told him all the crap parts of me.

I think I may have made the bad parts of me more important as I guess my ex did all those year. I couldn’t leave because I was bad.

There is something about how you write which makes me wonder if you want to reject that past version of yourself. You can't though. She was a legitimate part of you and you can't hate her out of existence. There was a reason you were in that relationship and if you don't take time to reflect and find compassion for yourself you might end up in the same again. All that projection stuff as you have rightly said stems from your own self hatred. Could you commit to long term therapy to unpick some of this?

There is a fantastic book by Don Hennessy "How he gets into her head: the mind of the male intimate abuser" Hennessy is a therapist based in Ireland and he works in a support center for victims of domestic abuse. When interviewed once he said the one thing people ask about his work is why women stay in abusive relationships? He said that was the wrong question to ask, what people should be asking is what is an abuser doing or saying to keep a victim locked in to the situation. When we ask why does she stay, he said it places responsibility on the woman to leave, not the man to stop abusing, that one question stops people seeking help, it makes them feel ashamed, it makes them feel culpable for their own abuse.

When I read what you have written OP all I see is this abusive person's voice is still in your head, you have physically left and moved on but emotionally you are still there believing all the things he said about you, believing you deserved the abuse you received from him. You need to be rid of his voice, it's telling you lies, you deserved none of what he did, you deserved kindness, love and care but you need to believe that too.