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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants a second chance to be a family

29 replies

Bakingmad001 · 31/08/2021 11:19

Hi MN,
I have a beautiful 2 week newborn baby so hormones are everywhere and I’m adjusting to being a mum.
I met the father a year ago when I was in a bad place, I had just came out of a long term relationship and had family problems. He love bombed me and portrayed himself to be a stable, honest man with a young DS. He dumped me after a few months claiming he missed his ex and the family unit.
This left me in a even worse place then a few weeks later, he claimed he missed me and we got back in touch and began to date again. I fell pregnant while on the pill and I was terrified, we discussed all options and he promised to take care of me. We moved in together and it went from bad to worse. He had hidden severe debts and a heavy cannabis habit from me. Financially there was no way he could ever look after me and baby. We argued a ton and he threatened to dump me countless times and I eventually moved out into my parents.
My self esteem was low, we continued to be together while living apart but he was hot and cold, one day he’d love me, the next he hated me. He gave me no emotional support throughout the pregnancy and told me I was too full on for him, he couldn’t handle it. I accepted we were never going to be a family, I prepped for baby alone. He insisted he should be at the birth and I let him. He was amazing, supportive, ran around for me. I moved into my own apartment and he moved all my things, couldn’t do enough for me. Since baby has been born, he has been begging me for another chance to be together and be a family. He is making me feel incredibly guilty for saying no to him. I cry everyday and my very close friend has told me to never get back with him and just co parent. I’m looking after baby alone and it’s hard, he said he wants to spend time with baby but it’s upsetting him too much not being together anymore. He has apologised for how he treated me and said he is trying to make up for it and will change. My friend believes he wants to move in with me for a free ride. I feel so sad he’s missing out on these early moments with baby but he put me in this position? He wants to draw a line and start again but how can I? I really don’t know what to do, if anyone can share some advice Thankyou x

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 31/08/2021 11:22

DON'T DO IT.

He's a user, a loser, and quite possibly an abuser as well. He lovebombed you before and now he's trying it again. And it's not out of the goodness of his heart. Either he wants to exploit you or he wants to control you.

Listen to your friend. I would honestly message him to say you'll make baby available for short visits at X times and days and you won't otherwise communicate, then block him. I'm willing to put most of my year's salary on his enthusiasm to "be a family" wearing off very rapidly once he no longer can use the baby to manipulate you.

MyFloorIsLava · 31/08/2021 11:25

LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND!

Stop engaging. Get a £10 non smart phone and give him your number for emergencies only and check it maybe once a week, block him on your phone, email, social media. If he starts turning up at your house keep a log and call the police. He will ruin you.

DillyDilly · 31/08/2021 11:25

You’ve got somewhere to live with your and your baby now, he’s looking for a free roof over his head. Don’t do it.

tootiredtospeak · 31/08/2021 11:25

He is using your child already to get what he wants no reason he cant see the baby dont fall for it. You've tried already he isn't going to change

DillyDilly · 31/08/2021 11:26

Do you really want someone who is a heavy cannabis user living in the same home as your baby, I doubt he’s kicked the habit whatever he says.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2021 11:28

Nope. He’s a drug using no hoper with a way with words. Look at his actions. Is he trying to pay off the debt? Has he started going to narcotics anonymous? What does he actually have to offer to you and your DC?

OneAugustNight · 31/08/2021 11:31

Is he still in debt? Is he still using cannabis? No doubt it’s yes to both so how does that work if he moves in?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2021 11:36

Do not have him move back into your home, let alone your life. Your friend absolutely speaks sense here.

He targeted you deliberately in order to abuse because you were in a low place yourself when you met him.

Justilou1 · 31/08/2021 11:48

Cocklodger. Don’t trust him. You were vulnerable then and you don’t need him now. You have a baby to support and don’t need an adult one.

AthenaPopodopolous · 31/08/2021 11:53

Same thing happened to a friend of a friend and his (similar) behaviour drove her mental. Infact she was diagnosed with unstable personality disorder when really it was down to him treating her like rubbish throughout the pregnancy while being Disney dad to his son. Just leave him, maintain boundaries and don’t have sex with him. You will find a better boyfriend someday. No doubt this one will soon impregnate another woman soon and repeat history. You need strong boundaries and to be able to live peacefully with your beautiful new baby. What are your plans for him having contact?

mbosnz · 31/08/2021 11:57

You've got a good, smart, sensible friend there. Listen to her.

He can promise the sun, the moon and the stars, but I'm prepared to bet good money he cannot and will not deliver on those promises.

Does he still use cannabis? Does he still have a lot of debt? If there's been no change, there will be no change, once he gets what he wants, a nice cushy life provided by somebody else.

ChaToilLeam · 31/08/2021 11:58

Tell him no. He has messed you around enough and will do so again.

Spidey66 · 31/08/2021 12:26

Your friend has him sussed.

Coparent yes (though until he's addressed his cannabis use it needs to be supervised only, I wouldn't let him take the baby away tbh unless it was with his parents if they were reliable.) But as a couple, no if I was in your shoes i'd think that ship has sailed!

Original poster
Bakingmad001 · 31/08/2021 13:41

He is still smoking it and has promised to quit He’s making all the promises under the sun right now. He’s apparently realised what he wants now and is really guilt tripping me, he’s saying I’m ruining everything, not even trying for the baby and I’m being unreasonable. I feel so bad, he’s making me feel sorry him. I’m trying to stay strong. His parents wants to be heavily involved with baby too which is making this all harder.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 31/08/2021 13:43

DON'T DO IT. JUST DON'T.

You've seen his lies once.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2021 13:46

He’s apparently realised what he wants now and is really guilt tripping me, he’s saying I’m ruining everything, not even trying for the baby and I’m being unreasonable.

Yet more typical abusive behaviour from him. Note also how he is blaming you and calling you unreasonable; again in an abuser's head its anyone else's fault but their own. Please do not ever take this man back. What he is telling you re you're all he wants blah blah blah is all flannel.

Re his parents they do not have automatic rights of access to see their grandchild. How much do you want them to be involved in your child's life?.

mbosnz · 31/08/2021 13:46

Promising, but not doing.

I'm sure he's realised what he wants. It's okay for you to want something else for you and your child, and to act upon that. It's okay not to enable what he wants. His wants do not automatically trump yours. Don't feel guilty for not pandering to a manchild.

His parents can be involved if they so wish, when he has the child on his time, in his space and place - providing he's a fit person to leave the children with.

EccentricaGalumbits · 31/08/2021 13:48

It's all about him and what he wants isn't it?

He doesn't care one little bit about how you feel.

This is never going to be a good relationship for you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/08/2021 14:12

I strongly suspect a financial motivation. He wants somewhere to live and to not pay maintenance.

Tell him to fuck off with his guilt tripping. As others suggested, get a brick phone with PAYG Sim for his contact only. Block him on your main phone. Only communicate about contact with the baby and about maintenance. (Has he even paid it up to now?)

ChargingBuck · 31/08/2021 14:28

Baking my dear, your entire OP is all about this man's feelings & wishes.

What do YOU want?

Presumably, a life without a manipulative loser in it?

He was a shit to you throughout the time you were dating, he was a shit to you throughout the pregnancy, he's a liar & drug addict who is simultaneously playing "will we, won't we?" with his ex-wife as he strings you along with the latest bullshit & makes you responsible for his feelings.

Listen to your good friend, & take her advice.
This man is a user, a liar, a druggie & a cheat. Dump his arse today, & don't you dare question yourself for doing the best thing for YOU & your new baby.

ChargingBuck · 31/08/2021 14:34

He is making me feel incredibly guilty for saying no to him

Oh OP. I want to shake you AND give you a massive hug.
You have an Angry & Controlling man in your life, & he will use any nasty tactics he can imagine, to keep you controlled. You have NO reason to feel guilty! NOTHING to feel guilty about!

Please have a look at this book, & buy yourself a copy as a present.
It is likely to be one of the best gifts you could ever give yourself, because it will teach you how to protect yourself (& your child) from the predations of men like this using arsehole.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Stop giving him headspace, stop responding to his pleas & manipulations. He is a nasty piece of work, & your friend has him sussed:
My friend believes he wants to move in with me for a free ride.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 31/08/2021 14:39

He's "realised what he wants" yeah, right. He wants you under his thumb doing his washing and paying off his debts and giving him a place to smoke up and sex on tap.

If he had any real, genuine love for you, and responsibility towards his child, he'd be saying "I let you down massively, I know I have to re-earn your trust, it's totally reasonable of you to want to go slow, we'll have full transparency of finances and I'll go to NA". Is he saying any of that? nnnnnnnnope. He's putting the emotional thumbscrews on and calling you "unreasonable" and by proxy making you feel like a bad mother. That's not what someone who genuinely cares for you and realises they made a mistake does. That's what a manipulative abuser does.

Seriously, block block block. He is toxic. You don't need this, and neither does your baby.

SStopRaisingHim · 31/08/2021 15:20

he said he wants to spend time with baby but it’s upsetting him too much not being together anymore. He has apologised for how he treated me and said he is trying to make up for it and will change.

He’s trying to manipulate you for starters.

Secondly, he needs to change and THEN come to you. In that order.

Don’t fall for it.

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/08/2021 15:37

You are in a unique position to see this car crash coming before it happens op

He's using your current vulnerable state to manipulate you, find your inner bitch and anger, he's using that tiny baby for his own needs.

Cut his balls off op, block delete don't let him through the door, go to CSM and let him take you to court for access.

Keep strong

girlmom21 · 31/08/2021 15:49

Tell him to come back to you when he's actually managed to kick his habits and sort his debts.