Planned pregnancy and DH is unsure on me and now I'm feeling like a human incubator

[unknown2022]

Much like the title says. DH has been for years asking for have another baby (we both have kids from previous marriage, one each).

I have been hesitant for have another after a series of previous losses with my ex and what that did to us.

We rough patch last year in autumn time when he was lashing out verbally saying it's my fault he's in a bad mood so has the right to lash out or give me silent treatment for hours, if he didn't do what he wants when he wants he would be hideous to be around. I put it down to a difficult year work wise, I'm sure I have been no Mary popping to be around.

I found out that during this entire 3 months he was unsure about us etc to everyone bar me and this broke me. I said I can't do this again your entitled to feel how you feel but talk to me and he promised not to tell all our mutual friends our dirty laundry and just come talk to me about stuff, I can't change what I don't see. His mates advice was to go have a affair and his pal genuinely thinks that women are to be put in their place. So not the best place for advice but he said nope won't speak to him again about us.
He finally told me he had been feeling v depressed and that's what caused the uncertainty and when to GP, got treatment and things were looking up.

I know I sound foolish even believing this was the case. So he was desperately saying he wanted a baby still and definitely with me, everything was great on the up things had settled and we were happy. Well I thought we were happy.

So we started ttc and I fell pregnant in June yay right - I told him his response was Lukewarm. I put it down to nerves, work being tough ect. Thought he would come around. He's been progressively getting worse but I believed working on it together both working out our issues together that I was being hyper sensitive ect I just needed to be more understanding.

Im now 12 weeks pregnant and I asked if he was happy. We had a lovely day sun was shining, he has been smiling ect. He basically said he's not depressed, it's me I'm controlling him but when I asked ok so what am I doing to control you (so I could try and fix it)
the things he mentioned was - not to yell in front of kids,
-if he's in bad mood he can act and talk how he likes to whoever is in his way because he's in bad mood.

• if he's depressed he needs to seek treatment - but magically that's solved because it's me so the reason why he's got depression on his medical file is because I told him. Not that he went to GP who said yes you are definitely depressed by what he told them and will need help.

He said he would prefer to live without any limits and akwolege I actively encourage him to go out, have fun and time to do solo activities so it's not control in that perspective- I'm just not sure which way he means.

He then admitted gone around saying he's unsure again of us to everyone (these people know I'm pregnant) and been feeling this way for 3 months (since I'm pregnant) but maybe he could love me if I didn't have such "control issues" I don't think wanting to be spoken to nicely and no yell and scream in front the kids are control issues ? The bar is so low it's on floor.

He's saying he wants to work on it but I'm pretty sure he's saying that because he knows I don't want to bring a another baby into a broken family so will just be nice enough until it's past the point of no return, and he can ditch me and get the baby he always wanted.

I feel like a human incubator with no rights to stand up for myself in anyway because if I do, then he says he cant love me. He said last night just before I went to sleep is he doesn't see my worth but he's willing to try and see it, it's been 7 years surely he should see it by now ?!? He knows I wouldn't have ttc if I have known any of this.

I feel as worthless as a piece of dirt. Worst part is he's been painting me out to be big bad villain, so I can't even lean on my support network as he's been laying the ground there so they will all think I'm this monster, he addmited he hadn't been telling people the full truth but damage is done now . Part of me believes him too but there's a funny feeling I can't shake.

All I ever wanted was a family, having not had one growing up.

He is abusive as hell. Are you sure you want to go ahead with the pregnancy?

You’re not a villain you’re the victim. Get rid of him!!

Tell your friends/family, if they are supportive their reaction will tell you everything.

He has you precisely where he wants you and will haul you over the coals until you’re firmly at heel.

In your situation I would terminate, at least he has shown his true colors while you still have time. I guarantee the "baby he always wanted" will be dropped like a stone as soon as it is no longer convenient and you will be left holding the can
Get rid of him, he is being massively abusive and while you are pregnant too. Maybe people believe him, but I would be v v wary of a guy talking about his pregnant wife like he has so I wouldn't be too sure everyone is on his side
Literally no redeeming features

He sounds like a right manipulative shithead.

If I was in your shoes I would have a termination, and I would dump him. And I would tell everyone exactly why.

Do you think he's got his eye on someone else?

He’s abusive and you shouldn’t waste any more of your time with him
Would you consider a termination?

His pal thinks "women should be put in their place" says plenty to me.

You are in a difficult position. You need to be the selfish bitch everyone already thinks you are.

Do what is best for you. And don't lie to protect him/your relationship tell your friends the truth.

Go to your GP to talk over your position.

Nah he’s a dickhead.
I’m sorry but I too would be seriously thinking about my choices with regards to this pregnancy, sorry.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In your shoes I too would strongly consider termination and I would definitely leave him. He's a horrible horrible cunt of a man. You deserve better.

He doesn’t see your worth?! You know your worth. And you deserve better. You are worth more.

Throw him in the rubbish bin. He’s willing to try and see it? Don’t even give him a chance to “try and see.”

Tell him to pack his things and get out. He can learn your worth from afar. He has way too much nerve to even say anything like this to his partner!

Sorry love, he's emotionally abusive to you. Think very very hard about whether you want to continue with your pregnancy and be tied to this prick for the next 18 years.

Im pro choice - I absolutely advocate for any women's right to chose. Due to my losses I'm so conflicted on it on a personal level . I'm just not what would break me more aborting or not. I so wanted a sibling for my little one I was just so scared for it all to go wrong again. I had a very late stage loss and it's something that contributed to the death of my first marriage. If it was the tablet option then I would probably lean more that way but looking online, it's the surgical route.

The timing isn't lost on me either in terms of this and when he's told me. How can I grieve for babies that have been gone and go abort this one. How can I look that child in the eye and know what I contemplated. I'm such a mess.

I don't think there's another women but you know reading these thread I'm probably completely naive in this thought.
I have gone to ground in terms of my friends, 3months of him saying this stuff "saying I'm controlling but not specifically saying the specifics " I mean I would be like dump her.

I suppose I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable. I have asked him why whenever we are happy he just detonates it, and he knows he does and he's like o don't know why.

My family aren't really supportive. They send Christmas cards but any type of affection or support hasn't ever existed really.

Part of me thinks he's trying to get me to the point which I break and then I'm the bad guy and he's free to do what he wants.

I'm so ashamed and feel so foolish for thinking in maybe.

So he coerced you into a pregnancy?

I'd be very seriously considering what steps to take right now that were right for me.

So when you Wade through his shot what he wants is you tied to him and trapped with his baby, while h does whatever he wants, including fucking around, and says whatever he wants, and you accept it without question or argument and simply regularly service his penis, do all things domestic and dedicate your life to the worship of him.

Yeah.
This will be a miserable life for you. It will break you.

I'd be terminating the pregnancy and telling him to fuck right off.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

So he coerced you into a pregnancy?

I'd be very seriously considering what steps to take right now that were right for me.

Arguably I agreed to ttc, I also don't quite understand ow he can and has been saying I want a baby I want a baby, now it's here he's saying I'm trapped I'm trapped, and it's seems like that's the picture he's painted out for everyone to see, because I'm assuming normal people would be like ok they are having problems and suddenly she's pregnant she's trapped him.

I pointed this out to him and he was like oh yes I didn't look it like that.

I wholeheartedly agree with the posts above.

He is abusive and this relationship won't last - but even emotionally abusive men get contact with their children. I know because my ex is one of them and Court awarded him contact. Do you want to be tied to this guy for 18 years? That is the reality of having a baby with someone. It's a huge thing.

Also, as you already have a child from a previous marriage that will mean you have two children from two different fathers - in the future that makes dating much more difficult as it's a complicated situation for any new relationship.

In your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy and end the relationship. X

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

So when you Wade through his shot what he wants is you tied to him and trapped with his baby, while h does whatever he wants, including fucking around, and says whatever he wants, and you accept it without question or argument and simply regularly service his penis, do all things domestic and dedicate your life to the worship of him.

Yeah.
This will be a miserable life for you. It will break you.

I'd be terminating the pregnancy and telling him to fuck right off.

Agreed with that bar the part he wants to Fck other people - that was his friends suggestion. The one with all the good advice. That guy also gave him the idea that all men to put women in her place.

Super guy. I will admit I dislike the bones in that man.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. He sounds like an awful man and I think that you know that the right thing to do is leave him, you are worth so much more than the way he is treating you. He sounds like he is abusive and lying to your support network - that is a vile way to behave. In terms of the pregnancy, that is harder but I agree with pps that in your position I would consider a termination. I saw that you would not be keen on a surgical abortion but in my experience, I have had both a medical abortion and also surgical management of a MMC. I appreciate they are not quite the same but I found the surgical option virtually pain free. It was also much quicker, in and out in a few hours.

Sending you best wishes. You deserve more than this awful man.

OP

You will be in a terrible situation with a baby and a shit OH.
And again with a young child and a shit OH.
Your life, and the child’s, would be crap.

Please consider your options.

Whether you decide to continue this pregnancy or not you need to get away from this nasty, twisted, abusive man.

Find the strength to divorce the fucker and don't worry what anyone else things. You know the truth.

Regardless what happens next with the pregnancy you need to end your relationship with this man. He is vile and many abusive men escalate their behaviour during pregnancy. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he becomes physical.

I understand why you are conflicted about the pregnancy and it is such a difficult circumstance but I honestly think you should carefully consider what continuing with the pregnancy would mean for you in the next 18 years. He will continue to make life difficult for you, control you and be a nightmare ex for years and years to come.

No one would even have to know you terminated, just tell people you had a loss and move on.

If you choose to continue the pregnancy make sure you put up very firm boundaries and deal with him as little as possible.

I would personally cut all ties with this man - including terminating the pregnancy.

Why don't you contact Marie Stopes (or whatever pregnancy choices service available in your area) and see if you can get some counselling to discuss your feelings around the pregnancy? They won't force you to have a termination or try to persuade you either way, but can help you make some sense of your conflicting feelings.

But whatever you decide, you need to get away from him. His behaviour is utterly self-centred and narcissistic.

I don't think you mention whether you actual want or wanted a baby at this point. When you think about the future, does the idea of cuddling, feeding, bathing, night waking with a baby fill you with excitement and joy, or dread or even just neutrality?

Because if you passively went along with having a baby because he wanted it, the next 18 years are going to be so so much harder - he's not going to be a support system for you until he sorts out his life, with or without you.

If you want this little one, go ahead with it and take control and leave this abusive, manipulative man. Perhaps it'll be a wake up call for him. Even if not, you could have a much happier life with your little family, without this emotional turmoil.

This man will never be happy. First he wants a baby convincing himself that will make him happy. Then he is getting a baby it's his controlling partner who is stealing his happiness! This is very usual for guys who don't want to take responsibility for their own happiness. He sounds horrible shouting at the children and deciding he is perfectly entitled to. He doesn't get to call all the shots. Take things into your own hands and show him the door. With or without a baby This guy will constantly pull you down. You will be far stronger alone. He doesn't get to decide on the relationship or the baby.

Agreeing to TTC doesn't mean you weren't coerced.

I agree with leaving him. He is awful. And find somewhere to live that really suits you before you have the baby and he has a say in where you live.

Your partner is awful and he's manoeuvring you into a position where you can't win.

Stay with him he'll make your life miserable.

Leave he'll be telling everyone how mean you are.

Keep the baby, you've trapped him.

Terminate, you are a bitch who took away his much wanted chance at fatherhood.

But none of that matters, because you are the one that matters. What works for you? Go do that. Go speak to your GP, Marie Stokes or another resource and then don't look back. Personally I think your future should be planning that you won't be in a relationship with him.