Planned pregnancy and DH is unsure on me and now I'm feeling like a human incubator

[unknown2022]

Much like the title says. DH has been for years asking for have another baby (we both have kids from previous marriage, one each).

I have been hesitant for have another after a series of previous losses with my ex and what that did to us.

We rough patch last year in autumn time when he was lashing out verbally saying it's my fault he's in a bad mood so has the right to lash out or give me silent treatment for hours, if he didn't do what he wants when he wants he would be hideous to be around. I put it down to a difficult year work wise, I'm sure I have been no Mary popping to be around.

I found out that during this entire 3 months he was unsure about us etc to everyone bar me and this broke me. I said I can't do this again your entitled to feel how you feel but talk to me and he promised not to tell all our mutual friends our dirty laundry and just come talk to me about stuff, I can't change what I don't see. His mates advice was to go have a affair and his pal genuinely thinks that women are to be put in their place. So not the best place for advice but he said nope won't speak to him again about us.
He finally told me he had been feeling v depressed and that's what caused the uncertainty and when to GP, got treatment and things were looking up.

I know I sound foolish even believing this was the case. So he was desperately saying he wanted a baby still and definitely with me, everything was great on the up things had settled and we were happy. Well I thought we were happy.

So we started ttc and I fell pregnant in June yay right - I told him his response was Lukewarm. I put it down to nerves, work being tough ect. Thought he would come around. He's been progressively getting worse but I believed working on it together both working out our issues together that I was being hyper sensitive ect I just needed to be more understanding.

Im now 12 weeks pregnant and I asked if he was happy. We had a lovely day sun was shining, he has been smiling ect. He basically said he's not depressed, it's me I'm controlling him but when I asked ok so what am I doing to control you (so I could try and fix it)
the things he mentioned was - not to yell in front of kids,
-if he's in bad mood he can act and talk how he likes to whoever is in his way because he's in bad mood.

• if he's depressed he needs to seek treatment - but magically that's solved because it's me so the reason why he's got depression on his medical file is because I told him. Not that he went to GP who said yes you are definitely depressed by what he told them and will need help.

He said he would prefer to live without any limits and akwolege I actively encourage him to go out, have fun and time to do solo activities so it's not control in that perspective- I'm just not sure which way he means.

He then admitted gone around saying he's unsure again of us to everyone (these people know I'm pregnant) and been feeling this way for 3 months (since I'm pregnant) but maybe he could love me if I didn't have such "control issues" I don't think wanting to be spoken to nicely and no yell and scream in front the kids are control issues ? The bar is so low it's on floor.

He's saying he wants to work on it but I'm pretty sure he's saying that because he knows I don't want to bring a another baby into a broken family so will just be nice enough until it's past the point of no return, and he can ditch me and get the baby he always wanted.

I feel like a human incubator with no rights to stand up for myself in anyway because if I do, then he says he cant love me. He said last night just before I went to sleep is he doesn't see my worth but he's willing to try and see it, it's been 7 years surely he should see it by now ?!? He knows I wouldn't have ttc if I have known any of this.

I feel as worthless as a piece of dirt. Worst part is he's been painting me out to be big bad villain, so I can't even lean on my support network as he's been laying the ground there so they will all think I'm this monster, he addmited he hadn't been telling people the full truth but damage is done now . Part of me believes him too but there's a funny feeling I can't shake.

All I ever wanted was a family, having not had one growing up.

*He is abusive as hell. Are you sure you want to go ahead with the pregnancy?

You’re not a villain you’re the victim. Get rid

He has you precisely where he wants you and will haul you over the coals until you’re firmly at heel*

This completely

I wouldn't bring a child into the world who would have that disgusting man as a father. I would terminate. Get rid of him, today. He's horrible.

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Your partner is emotionally abusive and narcissistic. Please read up on narcissism and coparenting, I speak from experience that they make terrible parents.

He is using a smear campaign (I.e. bad mouthing you to others) as a form of image management for himself and a form of controlling you. He's also gaslighting you by flipping the script, convincing you to have another baby only to now show you nothing but contempt. It's part of the abuse, making you doubt your own reality (thus are easier to control) and begin to think you are the problem. He's also using projection (e.g. calling you controlling) when it is clearly him that is controlling you but wants you to take responsibility.

The reality is, this man is very low on empathy, is manipulative, controlling and abusive. I had children with a man like this and although I love them dearly, they ultimately paid the price for my terrible choice of father. I considered a termination at the time but couldn't go through with it. It's my deepest regret and I have since come to realise the most loving thing I could have done is to not bring them into such a destructive situation.

If he is struggling now, what will he be like when he has a baby with sleepless nights etc. The first year or so the parents have to put the baby first. If he is already struggling he will resent you and sadly the child too.
If I were you , if I wanted to keep the baby, I'd ask him to leave and do it alone.
Either way, he needs to go OP.

I understand why you're worried about terminating but if you have this baby you'll be tied to this abusive misogynist shit forever. You could get a clean break now. Or you could leave and have the baby and coparent (whatever that looks like). Just don't make the mistake of staying.

What's he like with the mum of his older child?

I would definitely leave him OP. He is a waste of space and Gas lighting you.
Meanwhile please seek some counselling support ASAP to decide if you want to keep the baby so you make the right decision for you. There’s a pregnancy choices thread on here which should have examples of organisations you can contact and general support from others in a similar situation. Sending you best wishes and support. X

I would quietly arrange a termination and go to the hospital and tell him you had a sudden miscarriage.

With your history, it would be believed.

I understand your hesitation after previous losses. But I think you are almost feeling like you are obliged to continue with this pregnancy to "make up" for the other one you lost?

To be Blunt, that's bollocks. This guy is going to leave you. He is going to be a relentlessly cruel thorn in your side for the rest of your life if you continue this pregnancy.

It's not even about being a single mother of 2, its about the barrage of shit from him forever.

If you can't see it from your own POV and meet your own needs, perhaps frame it from the POV of your existing child? Your DC has to see this man emotionally abusing their mother. Adding a sibling to what sounds like an already volatile home life will be another stressor for your existing child.

I mean this with A LOT of kindness OP, you sound so unhappy and worn down by the abuse that I worry your parenting capacity is being compromised. Add another baby into the mix and ask yourself 'Is my existing DC getting the best of me?' Take if from someone who has worn the TShirt and walked the walk. Your existing child WILL suffer as a result of this and the damage lasts years.

Op this man is abusive and just horrible BUT you also chose to ignore the massive red flags prior to you becoming pregnant. They were all there right in front of you, but you chose to continue. Now that you have finally woken up to everything, you have to make a better choice for yourself and dc. You will be tied to this abusive man for a very long time. I do feel for you, because it's such a horrible place to be in but one thing for sure is that you need to leave him.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Concerning what his friend has suggested or not (it's technically hearsay, not fact). He has told you this information but for what purpose? To prepare you for his affair? To hurt you with the suggestion? To add to insecurity? To make you think you're so lucky he's decided not to cheat on you? It's just a huge gameplay and manipulation on his part. One of many that I have read in your messages.
He sounds like a dangerous person to have in your life as the mental abuse is huge. It's completely your choice what you want to do with this pregnancy, but to be honest I wouldn't be thinking about that right now. First thing to do is make a safe exit out of that situation. Forgot any mutual friends you two have as well. If they believe him then you don't want them in your life, they will be equally as toxic in the long run. Get yourself and your child into a safe position and then decide what to do about your pregnancy. Also, do you want your child to grow up witnessing his behaviour and think it's okay to treat their mum this way? You're worth so much more then this.
And just remember the longer you're with this asshole the less time you will have with the new people that will come into your life. The ones that will be supportive and good for you.

Best of luck whatever you decide x

You need to get out of this relationship, no iffs or buts.
He is abusive and wants to mellow you down so he can treat you worse than he does now. He’s calling you controlling because your saying no to disrespect.
Always, always have self respect. He’s not respecting you and you must walk away, think about the child you have already. You do not want to model this relationship to your child.
Have a think about the pregnancy. If you did abort and has surgery, you do not need to disclose any of the information to him. You can tell him you lost the baby and walk away without any links to him. Obviously, this is a really hard decision and if you want this baby that’s also great, but you need to have a long, hard think here because the moment you say no to him or challenge him on parenting decisions, he’s going to be hurling abuse at you at every turn and you and the baby both deserve so much better.
I would try your very best to get away from him permanently, with or without the child you are carrying. It’s entirely up to you on this one, don’t discuss your thoughts with him.

Your seeing his true colours over the past few months and yet you still decided to get pregnant. Since you told him your pregnant he has got worse. Do you think this is a suitable environment to bring up the child you already have? Do you want them to see him treating you badly and do/saying what ever they want to you?
Then once you add a baby into this mix he just going to get worse and you going to be tied to him for the next 18 years plus.

My advice is to leave him as soon as possible. I would also get an abortion because if you bring a child into this mess with him your going to ruin their lives along with your life and your child's.

I know it won't be easy to do this after what happened to you in the past but you need to think of both you and your current child life in the future.
I feel at this stage your both physically and mentally drained because of him but ask yourself where do you want to be say 5 or 10 years from now?
Living with him, taking abuse daily, your present child thinking this is ok or better still they are now giving you verbal abuse also? How about your present child wanting nothing to do with you when they are an adult because you stayed with him?
The days of chatting to him about things are over as he is not going to change and is getting worse.
You could have an abortion and tell him you lost the baby because you know he has no interest in this baby but its just a way of controling you.
Then you can sort out some where to live and leave him. Do the freedom program and don't rush into meeting another man.

Does your child from your previous relationship live you with now? How old are they and what kind of relationship does he have with them?

He is a nasty, abusive bastard, you should be doing everything in your power to get yourself and your existing child away from him not adding another one into the mix.

The worst way a man can fuck up years of a woman's future is demand a baby then future fake. Leaving you with a pregnancy you were practically forced into then fucking off and blaming you, is a brilliant way to continue the abuse without actually being present

You get the bills the worry the second guessing and him in and out of your life for the next 20yrs

This is a car crash you see coming, you are able to swerve this if you want to lovely

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

He sounds like a right manipulative shithead.

If I was in your shoes I would have a termination, and I would dump him. And I would tell everyone exactly why.

Do you think he's got his eye on someone else?

I agree with that.

He's a monster!

@Guiltypleasures001

The worst way a man can fuck up years of a woman's future is demand a baby then future fake. Leaving you with a pregnancy you were practically forced into then fucking off and blaming you, is a brilliant way to continue the abuse without actually being present

You get the bills the worry the second guessing and him in and out of your life for the next 20yrs

This is a car crash you see coming, you are able to swerve this if you want to lovely

T.H.I.S.

Reproductive coercion is a thing.