I want to leave but don’t know how ?

[Somethingwicked9]

I have been with my partner for four years we have two children together he put a ring on it before I fell pregnant but we never married (thankfully)

I sold my fully paid off house and we bought together but because I was still in process of selling mine he opened a mortgage in his name and once house was sold I put 100k in to pay off some of mortgage he done the same as he had 100k savings (his grandfather Passed away and left him money) that meant we only had 70k left to pay and that’s now down too 50k I spend the rest of the money from house sale doing up the house and when I fell pregnant I used it too pay for stuff I wanted for our baby

This is where it gets sticky as soon as we moved in when started trying for a child and fell pregnant very quick witch was great it was agreed that on his large wage he could support both of us and pay off remainder of the house monthly and I would also get a monthly allowance to spend on food or things needed for house or kids (this sounded great) I though I was so lucky being able to not go back to work after having kids but it’s hell I became sick and been told I won’t be able to work for a number of years witch was ok because I didn’t need to but over the past 10months all we do is fight I do want to get in to how much we fight but it’s every day we really have nothing nice to say to each other I have 0 family after my mum died , so I have no one to ask for help or advice it’s not as simple as me just taken my 100k and leaving as I’m not on Mortgage he would give me my money back but he holds it hostage and of course I don’t have a job and I’m not aloud to work at the moment so have no idea how I’d support myself because I really honestly don’t want a penny from him ideally I’d get my 100k try and find somewhere for me and the kids too stay I’d happily share the custody of the children 50/50 as he’s a wonderful father and they love him so their for I wouldn’t want anymore for them as he would have them half the time anyway he’s really well off and I feel I’m a puppet as I have nothing of my own he uses this to keep me here but I want to leave I don’t want to be with him anymore but I don’t know how if I have no money to hand to leave

Where do I start ?

Is your name on the deeds to the house? This is not the same as the mortgage. If so, getting your 100k back is relatively easy. If not, there's no guarantee and you need a shit hot lawyer.

Open an online account and start saving some of this allowance each week. Get a nest egg.

Can you sell some of the kids outgrown furniture or toys or clothing and stash that money also.

No names not on deeds but I know if I really pushed Aka packet my stuff and left he would give me 100k back his mum and dad would step in also an ensure I got my money they are well to do also and they are all about the kids so the won’t make him but I think he would do it off his own back my problem is other than that 100k I have no money of my own and I’d need to wait to get the money until he remortgaged so it’s like where do I go with the kids in the mean time stuff like that

I'm not sure what you mean by he put a ring on it but never married "thankfully" - no one (man or woman) should become financially reliant on another to be a stay-at-home parent without marriage, it's ludicrous how unprotected you are. Being engaged means nothing in English law. (Which country do you live, op? I believe there is more protection for cohabitation in Scotland)

Contact Women's Aid and Citizens Advice. It sounds like he's potentially financially abusive and hopefully you can find a way forward.

For some reason you chose not to put your name on the deeds or mortgage. You will need a really good lawyer to unpick this. You possibly may never see that money again. However, firstly, look at your relationship and see if you can get to some couples counselling to see if you can unpick the reasons you can’t get on. If you want out then chat to someone at the citizens advise bureau or go online to find out what you are entitled to. It maybe universal credit and maybe another benefit due to your illness which prevents you from working. Your partner will have to pay for the children too. Where are your friends? Can they help in the immediate aftermath? Can anyone help put you up for a while? Can you ask your partner to move out so you have the house and raise the children? I wish you luck.

You put £100k into a property you're not the legal owner of?
Why?? Why do women do this???
I guess you need some legal advice, pronto. You can't rely on his decency here

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

You put £100k into a property you're not the legal owner of? Why?? Why do women do this??? I guess you need some legal advice, pronto. You can't rely on his decency here

This!!!!

It's frankly nuts.
Why are you not allowed to work? Who as decided this?
You need a lawyer immediately and to start saving money.
He sounds controlling - if you can't even have the conversation.
Is there any love there at all? Counselling?

Ohhh dear my heart sank when I read this. You'll need some legal advice. I genuinely don't know if you've kissed goodbye to £100k or not. Find out quick.

Also, just leave him. IF you get the money back you might be able to do something with it. I know it might seem a bit hopeless but it really isn't.

Good luck.

I don’t think anyone’s understanding I have no issue with the 100k I have no doubt in my mind that he will give me that back

My issue is where do I start when I leave I don’t know how to buy a house on my own or anything like that my house was given to me from my mother he has always says he will give me my money back and any money I put into the house if anything happened between us so I have no worries about getting my money back I just don’t know where to go from there because it’s not like you can buy a house in a nice area with 100k and I will never get a mortgage as I have no work and can’t work until I’m better as I have been signed off

I have asked for post to be removed because I feel I’m being chastised for something I done in good faith when it has nothing to do with what the issue is I have no issue getting my money back my issue is how do I start a new life when I can’t work etc

He will need to pay maintenance and you will get some benefits. Is he likely to want 50/50 custody?

I really hope this thread serves as a warning to other women of how not to leave themselves in a really vulnerable position by having children without the protection of marriage.

OP is there really no work you can do?

Thing is, when you're TTC and getting engaged you're in love. He would of course say that 100k is YOUR 100k and be very reasonable about it when your relationship is going well.
But money does crazy things to people. And if he's bitter that you decide to leave him, then he could very easily become nasty about the money.
Was there any particular reason you didn't go on the deeds or mortgage? Was that "his idea"? Has he been controlling you financially from the outset?
I think advice from women's aid is probably a good place to start about how to separate safely.

Leaving aside the house and £100K as I can see you feel this is a red herring, how long will it be before you can go back to work @Somethingwicked9 ?

NO ONE IS CONTROLLING THE MONEY !!!! CAN PROPLE NOT READ I COULD WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM RIGHT NOW AND SAY I WANT MY MONEY AND HE WOULD START THE PROCESS OF GETTING IT TO ME !!! ITS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BLOODY GOD DAMN MONEY !!!! IM ASKING FOR HELP ON HOW TO START A NEW WITH A YOUNG FAIMLY WHEN YOU DONT KNOW TO DO ANYTHING REALLY FOR YOURSELF HE WOULD HAPPILY GIVE ME MORE MONEY THAN WHAT WAS RIGHTLY MINE AND HE WOULD GIVE ME MONTHLY CHILD MAINTENANCE BUT I DONT WANT HIS MONEY I WANT MY OWN WITCH I WILL GET AND I WANT A CLEAN BREAK THATS WHY I DONT WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM SO UNLESS YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW TOO MOVE ON AS A SINGLE MUM THEN PLEASE DONT COMMENT

Well then ask for it back and tell him the moment you've got it you're moving out?

Your OP focuses so much on money it's kind of not surprising people are responding about the money.

Well if you can't work at all, can you apply for PIP?
If not, go online and see what benefits you would be entitled to. With no money you obviously won't be able to buy a house, but once you know what benefits will be, plus any maintenance from your partner, you'll know what kind of rent you could afford.

Honestly, your only option by the sound of it will be to claim benefits and rent. You won't be able to buy without a job, as you already know. It may be worth looking on entitled to. You will have your benefits reduced though once you have the 100k as you will be expected to live off that.

The way you move on is to get the money. You are getting annoyed but you don’t have a job or income so you can’t move on or out. Money is the root of everything. You get your money then you get yourself a small rental property with that money for 12 months. This gets you away from the fighting so you can clear your head. You then sort out maintenance and benefits. Don’t spend too much on the rental. You then use your 100k to invest in a property of your own. How much are two beds where you live? You could also use this money to go back to college and retrain. Has the property you’ve purchased gone up in value?
I’d suggest you have the conversation with him now about splitting and say you need your 100k back plus the money you put into decorating and the share of the increase in the asset.
Never put money into a property you don’t own ever again.

Ask immediately for the 100k then find somewhere to rent. He will have to pay child maintenance and you can claim benefits. When you are well you can work again and come off benefits. You will have a good deposit for a new home when you have worked for a while then apply for a mortgage.

@Somethingwicked9 your first step should be to check out entitledto.co.uk and work out what you will have coming in from benefits etc when you leave. Start working out the child maintenance too. Then start the process of extracting your 100k. In the meantime keep an eye on rightmove or local estate agent's windows and work out where and to what type of property you might be able to achieve. Then look into whatever work someone with your health issues could reasonably do, whether that's freelance, work from home, casual work such as babysitting etc. Start moving your documents to a secure place - your passport, birth certificate, bank statements, motor insurance certificate, your child's passport and red book etc. so you have it all together and ready to pack if you need.

If you get the 100k, you won't be entitled to many benefits as I think most are means tested.
Try citizens advice and see what they suggest.

You may have to stay living together for a little while after telling him you want to leave.

If you are sure you will get your money then as I see it th two issues are

• tell him you want to split up, so he can go about sorting out the finances and you can work out how you will look after the children

• work out what income you will have when you are living separately again, and plan around that. That's going to be a bit complicated - you may not get much in the way of benefits if you have a lot of money in the bank, but I'm sure Citizen's Advice will help you work it all out. And you will be able to afford to rent somewhere using some of the money from the house.

I lent my XH money for his business. He always intended to give it back. I would have sworn 100% he meant to give it back. 15 years later he still does...
You're saying he'll 'find' £100k for you without quibble even if it means having to sell the house and buy something smaller? With the best will in the world I doubt you'll see that money for years. At least while he has the house you'll be able to claim benefits so that's a plus. Can he get hold of enough for you to move out and pay 6 months rent up front? Will be a lot less than £100k.

However angry you are that we are pointing out the huge risk you took, you did take a huge risk and if posting about that makes one other woman think twice it will be worth posting.

Your first step is to get the £100k back and find somewhere to rent to start with.