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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is clingy with toddler & it's driving me mad!

30 replies

JC2021 · 30/08/2021 22:22

Cut a long story short, husband loves attention of any kind, he is very tactile and wants hugs kisses often (not from as much anymore mind you) but from our son.. often hugging him or saying "give daddy a kiss" and will bend down in his face - he is generally in his face wanting hugs and kisses. I can see my son often just wants to move past, or get him away, sometimes telling him out loud..

Why on earth is he like this? Needy with his own son! Seems odd to me and I've often made comments like leave him be but he gets touchy about it..

Me and my son are very close and I often sense jealousy.. ridiculous but I do

Any one experienced this or similar?

OP posts:
Hulmeert · 30/08/2021 22:33

God forbid a father wants kisses from his son!

Honestly sometimes men just can't win. Mumsnet is full of messages about absent/useless fathers but when one actually pays attention he still get criticised!

HailAdrian · 30/08/2021 22:36

Good god, just place marking to see what people come up with.

Beebababadabo · 30/08/2021 22:36

I know someone like this op I know what you mean. Constantly in the child's face when they are playing! It annoys me as they seem to be very needy of attention all the time not just with their child.

PepsiHoover · 30/08/2021 22:38

I don't think anyone should be encouraging a child to kiss them if the child clearly doesn't want them to. Body autonomy, consent and all that.

Original poster
JC2021 · 30/08/2021 22:39

@PepsiHoover totally with you!! I bought a book about this for my husband to read to my son, hint hint.. too desperate

OP posts:
premium77 · 30/08/2021 22:40

Have you ever heard of the saying ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’?

Original poster
JC2021 · 30/08/2021 22:41

@Hulmeert no men can't win! You're right.. mostly because they are often wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
JC2021 · 30/08/2021 22:44

@Beebababadabo exactly- you notice it when parents are needy.. it usually extends beyond the kids..

My issue is I feel I have to intervene and say leave him, which can create tension..

He has issues with his own upbringing where his parents literally stifled him so he is likely doing the same..

OP posts:
Original poster
JC2021 · 30/08/2021 22:46

@premium77 I haven't no. Thanks for sharing

OP posts:
Southwestrunningmum · 30/08/2021 22:48

I wouldn’t over thinking. I think it’s human nature to want hugs. I do feel I hug my DH less because I get hugs from my children. I imagine he may also feel a little out out.

SingingWaffleDoggy · 30/08/2021 22:49

What was his upbringing like? I think I can be a bit like this but my DM was not an affectionate, nurturing or maternal person, and I can’t ever remember her telling me I was loved so I think I overcompensate as I never want my DC’s to doubt that.

MissCruellaDeVil · 30/08/2021 22:50

You're criticising your DH for wanting attention from his son? Men really can't win, either useless absent fathers or too involved!

IWantT0BreakFree · 30/08/2021 22:54

I'm amazed at the first couple of responses. Truly. If your son is trying to move away from him and avoid the hugs and kisses sometimes (which is perfectly normal and understandable and not an indication that he doesn't love his dad or want affection some of the time) then your husband really needs to respect that. In fact it's very important that he does as it is one of the primary ways that children learn the concept of consent.

Your son needs to be confident that he can draw his own boundaries regarding physical and intimate contact with other people. He needs to know that it's not right for an adult to pressure him into contact that he is uncomfortable with or doesn't want for any reason. An unwanted kiss from his dad may seem trivial, but very young children are not able to distinguish between the different things that make them feel uncomfortable. If your son learns that he must tolerate kisses from dad that he doesn't want, how will he learn that physical contact from other adults that makes him feel uncomfortable is wrong? You cannot assume that a child will intrinsically just know that there are certain kinds of touch and contact that are always wrong. All they know is what makes them feel good and what makes them feel bad. Teaching them that they must sometimes tolerate contact that makes them uncomfortable or is unwanted is very risky.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/08/2021 22:59

Absolutely agree with @IWantT0BreakFree

OP have you had a proper conversation with him about this? You bought him a book, but if he's repeating his own upbringing or perhaps trying to go in the opposite direction, the point may have gone over his head.

Superfoodie123 · 30/08/2021 23:00

My dad is like this. Constantly needs attention from our little one. Growing up he became toxic when my mum gave us attention and vice versa. It messed me up a lot. I still find myself pandering to him because I grew up with him getting annoyed when I asked for space. Basically the msg I got from him growing up is 'make daddy centre of attention, make daddy feel loved'. It was not healthy at all and it's affected me alot

Halo1234 · 30/08/2021 23:06

I agree with you. Hugs and kisses need to be wanted by both for it to be ok. Give him a hug yes but if ds indicates with body language or verbally he doesnt want it then dh needs to back off. Some children are cuddley than others. And if he is busy playing then he shouldn't be trying to get affection. He should join in with the play if he wants to spend time with his son. I would be making my opinion known on this one. I dont think its deliberately mean but youre your child's voice.

ferando81 · 30/08/2021 23:17

No empathy for the father .Maybe loves his child .What a crime?

IWantT0BreakFree · 30/08/2021 23:23

@ferando81

No empathy for the father .Maybe loves his child .What a crime?
That's a misrepresentation of the issue and an oversimplification. Have you read the thread and understood the reasons for concern?
pommepommefrites · 30/08/2021 23:25

Grew up with a very cloying close relative who could not understand or respect personal space, I fucking hate hugs and kisses now, makes me irrationally angry, even with partners, which is sad. I don't care what relation they are to the child stop harassing them for affection and attention if the child is uncomfortable.

sunnyzweibrucken · 31/08/2021 00:06

I had a friend whose dh was like this. He was very jealous of the relationship between my friend and their dc. So he tended to force his dc to be affectionate or say “dc loves daddy more right?” And insane shit like that.

I think bring affectionate with your child is one thing but to force it to “prove” something especially if the child doesn’t want it is something else

NiceGerbil · 31/08/2021 01:57

Is your DH just saying kiss and bending down?

Does he pick ds up for a long cuddle when he's in the middle of drawing or something?

What does he do if DS doesn't give him a kiss?

Why do you think it's attention seeking rather than just affection?

NiceGerbil · 31/08/2021 02:03

@SingingWaffleDoggy

What was his upbringing like? I think I can be a bit like this but my DM was not an affectionate, nurturing or maternal person, and I can’t ever remember her telling me I was loved so I think I overcompensate as I never want my DC’s to doubt that.
It's one of those posts where no one knows really what the behaviour is.

Chasing the child around? Getting angry? Carrying on even when pushed away?

It's normal to pick your toddler up and give them a cuddle surely?

Get on their level and ask for kiss?

My parents were like yours. Can't remember being hugged or kissed. Or saying I love you or that in different words.

So the idea is you get in see your toddler child. And picking them up planting a kiss on them is attention seeking and they will grow up with no boundaries...

Erm

Op what exactly is he doing, examples?

CuntyMcBollocks · 31/08/2021 07:49

I understand your concerns OP. I've witnessed a friend being too much in their child's face when the child just wanted to play. How do some posters not understand the concept of body autonomy. If you can see that a child doesn't constantly want to give hugs and attention to someone, they shouldn't be forced to. It's nothing against men or fathers. Why should a child be made to feel uncomfortable or agitated to make the adult feel better?

IWantT0BreakFree · 31/08/2021 08:16

@NiceGerbil OP says I can see my son often just wants to move past, or get him away, sometimes telling him out loud..

BabyLeaf · 31/08/2021 10:27

@IWantT0BreakFree

I'm amazed at the first couple of responses. Truly. If your son is trying to move away from him and avoid the hugs and kisses sometimes (which is perfectly normal and understandable and not an indication that he doesn't love his dad or want affection some of the time) then your husband really needs to respect that. In fact it's very important that he does as it is one of the primary ways that children learn the concept of consent.

Your son needs to be confident that he can draw his own boundaries regarding physical and intimate contact with other people. He needs to know that it's not right for an adult to pressure him into contact that he is uncomfortable with or doesn't want for any reason. An unwanted kiss from his dad may seem trivial, but very young children are not able to distinguish between the different things that make them feel uncomfortable. If your son learns that he must tolerate kisses from dad that he doesn't want, how will he learn that physical contact from other adults that makes him feel uncomfortable is wrong? You cannot assume that a child will intrinsically just know that there are certain kinds of touch and contact that are always wrong. All they know is what makes them feel good and what makes them feel bad. Teaching them that they must sometimes tolerate contact that makes them uncomfortable or is unwanted is very risky.

Agree with all of this. This is really crucial stuff. These are the early building blocks that form your child's understanding of their own bodily autonomy, consent, and the autonomy of others.

DH and I are both very tactile with our toddler but we speak occasionally about how important consent is and how we recognise it. For example I hate being tickled but DS (one year old) really enjoys it sometimes, so we will tickle him for a couple of seconds and then watch carefully how he responds. If he doesn't want us to continue he'll shake his head or say 'no', or before he could do that he'd twist away from us. If he doesn't seem sure either way we'll just ask him 'would you like another tickle?' and take it from there.

It would be disrespectful to get in the way of someone busy with an activity and be in their face asking for kisses and cuddles again and again when they're engrossed in something, and that goes for toddlers too. It's fine to ask once, or give it a try, but then LISTEN to what your child is telling you verbally or otherwise. I've noticed on the occasions where a relative has got too into DS' face he often ends up lashing out because he has been clear that he doesn't want it but they haven't listened (obviously I've intervened but sometimes I've caught it at the tail end of the interaction). He's tried to make it clear he's busy but been ignored.

This isn't about coming between them, it's about your DH not being able to see that your child is a separate person who deserves a say about physical contact and affection. Perhaps you can give your DH some ideas for things to do if his advances are rebuffed: ACCEPT IT, then maybe get down and join in the play or ask him what he's doing. We always acknowledge to DS when he has rejected a request for a hug or kiss, I usually say 'thanks for telling me honey' or something. Sounds daft written down but it works.

Do you think it is that he sees DS isn't into it and continues anyway because he doesn't care and it's all about his own needs? Or do you think he isn't picking up on it? Or even worse, that he sees DS isn't into it but has some archaic beliefs about it being his right as a father to give him kisses and cuddles whenever?