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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anger towards Sister in law

36 replies

ginfixx · 30/08/2021 17:18

My mother in law has had cancer for over 2 years , she had treatment which meant she was able to live her life normally (apart from covid) until around 4 months ago when she has now become very ill

My DH and our family have cared for his mum during this time, have taken her to all her appointments, and visited / checked on her

As my mum in law is now very ill , DH has been staying with her for the past 4 weeks looking after her.

DH has an older sister who lives 2 hours away from us and my mum in law .

She has not helped or offered help during this time in any way, she has also hardly visited her mum (which I know is her decision,.. she has to live with herself after all this is over)

my worry is that DH is so so angry with his sister for leaving him to care for his mum alone , that he will completely lose it when he sees her , and then our family and her family will fall out and not see or speak to each other again ..,,
i want my kids to see their cousins and have a relationship with their auntie / uncle but i am not sure what I can do?

I’ve asked DH to call / text her but he says he can’t trust himself to not blow up at her ,,,

Any advice on this situation , much appreciated x. TIA

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 30/08/2021 17:22

I think it depends on her commitments, ages of DC, if she works, a whole myriad of things?

ActonSquirrel · 30/08/2021 17:24

She's 2 hours away. 4 hour round trip. Does she work? It might not be feasible.

It's your DHs mother. Nice of home to resent helping her.

ActonSquirrel · 30/08/2021 17:24

Him not home

LaurieFairyCake · 30/08/2021 17:32

Well she's too far away 🤷‍♀️ and if she's got young children then probably got enough on her plate

Get carers ? If she's really unwell see if McMillan can help?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 17:37

How much do you think she can realistically do? She has her own home, children, probably a job, and she lives 2 hours away. You and your husband are being totally unreasonable. If your family needs help, you get carers.

girl71 · 30/08/2021 17:38

It depends on her situation, her own family responsibilities , her distance to travel and her relationship with her mum. Is yr DH angry as caring for his mum is now interfering with his life?

If he is so angry he does not need to call his sister, unless it is to update on his mums prognosis or imminent for her to be by the bedside. Is there any practical help you can offer to help your DH out with his caring responsibilities ? Are there any additional outside services that can be used? From yr post he sounds really angry and bitter his sister lives 2 hrs away . Like his mum is a massive inconvenience by dying. If he is not coping there will be outsourced help avail.

"she has to live with herself after all this is over".

Nasty comment. She may want to be there but unable to.

Lessthanfour · 30/08/2021 17:38

Is her lack of visiting reasonable, for example due to work or childcare commitments, or is it because she isn't bothered?

I can understand his anger, I can imagine he's very overwhelmed and could use some support. Is it possible to get a carer to give him some respite?

I wouldn't encourage him to call or text if his emotions are heightened as that probably won't help anything.

Cam2020 · 30/08/2021 17:39

She's 2 hours away. 4 hour round trip. Does she work? It might not be feasible.

It's your DHs mother. Nice of home to resent helping her.

How bloody mean? Its not easy caring for someone. If the person left with all the care were a women it would be eyerolls and proclamations of 'woman's work' and a, shitty brother.

It's very convenient for the people who move away, knowing all the responsibilities will fall on someone else.

ActonSquirrel · 30/08/2021 17:40

It's very convenient for the people who move away, knowing all the responsibilities will fall on someone else.

How bloody mean of you to expect all of your children to stay locally to you their entire lives so they can share your care in case you need it.

How ridiculous HmmConfused

ActonSquirrel · 30/08/2021 17:41

Actually I was going to suggest the DH feels murderous towards his sister as he considera it womens work and he probably does. He'd be OK if his sister did it and not him

kaleidoscopeheartless · 30/08/2021 17:43

@ActonSquirrel what absolute bollocks, woman's work. Where does it even say that!

I'd be pissed too. No commitment would make me miss visiting my mother if she is dying!

FFSFFSFFS · 30/08/2021 17:43

Actually I was going to suggest the DH feels murderous towards his sister as he considera it womens work and he probably does. He'd be OK if his sister did it and not him

I very much suspect this....

SparklingLime · 30/08/2021 17:46

Jesus, what horrible responses you’ve had, OP. It is so hard when a sibling doesn’t help out, and if your DH has been caring for her full time he’s probably tired ans overwhelmed. However I think it’s best for you not to get directly involved with SIL. You can’t make it OK between the siblings.

Rocktheboat87 · 30/08/2021 17:47

As others have said if you live 2hrs away, then that is a 4hr commute. I know a colleague who when her mother wasn't well and sadly past away she was travelling about 1hr 30 every day to see her, help her and take her to appointments and things. Even had to buy an easy access, wheel chair accessible vehicle.

She didn't have time to do anything else. I guess in this case the convenience of your partner being local has meant that he has become the main support for the mother in law.

However regardless of distance what is stopping the sister in law from say helping at the weekends or stay over night? Distance is a factor but she certainly needs to help.

Whatever happens this situation is unavoidable. Best not to fall out because someday the mother in law won't be there and then you'll have lost the other side of the family. I've seen silly family arguments that have meant that my partner has never met one side of the family.

You will be the rock here in this situation for your partner. So go easy on him, do what you can to help. Yes it would be a long process, don't over do it but your help will obviously help him out.

LocalHobo · 30/08/2021 17:48

My BIL could argue I have behaved in a similar way to your SIL regarding my Mother.
I do not have the capacity to be a carer for my Mother and I think she would be better in full time care than living independently. My sister enables her to stay in her own home, but that is my sisters choice and I am not supporting her or my Mother.

ooherrmissus14 · 30/08/2021 17:50

Think some of these responses sound harsh. I live away from family and am very conscious that this means my sister is the one who picks up more of the caring of our elderly parents. It is my responsibility to do what I can to help and to let my sister know she is appreciated (as well as obviously spending time with me mum and dad where I can).
It's to be expected your DH will do more as he's closer but I suspect a bit of recognition from his sister would really help. She does also need to help out where she can even if it's just to give her brother a break.
Caring for someone is hard- especially watching your parent who you love deteriorate over time. I really hope you're DH is ok and what he does will mean so much to his mum which is ultimately what's most important xxx

WalkInSomeoneElsesShoes · 30/08/2021 17:50

I think your DH has every right to feel angry and I expect hurt on behalf of their mother that his sister has not even offered any help or support and barely visited. I obviously don’t know her perspective on this and I’m assuming there isn’t some kind of backstory of bad relations between the mother and daughter.
If she can’t be there physically to offer practical support what about phone calls if their mother can cope with them at least? Doesn’t she want to be there in some capacity to support their mother in the time she has left?

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 30/08/2021 17:50

Suggest your DH speaks to someone. He may have misplaced anticipatory grief and he can access counselling through Marie Curie or Macmillan or a Maggie's Centre if you have one. Your DH needs to deal with this. It's about him not his DSIS.
If other PPs are correct and he's partly resentful because he thinks women should undertake 'caring duties. I wonder if his 'anger' at his DSIS is also about veiling his anger towards you since he thinks you should also have relieved him of caring duties.

Original poster
ginfixx · 30/08/2021 17:51

Thanks for your comments - it’s interesting to see this situation from others peoples points of view, but i need to say that My DH does not resent looking after his mum at all , he is grateful he’s had the holiday to be able to take to do it.

Actually I was going to suggest the DH feels murderous towards his sister as he considera it womens work and he probably does. He'd be OK if his sister did it and not him

what an odd comment ..? He’d just appreciate some support / advice / interest from his sister in caring for their terminally ill mum ….

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 30/08/2021 17:51

It depends on her situation. Does she work, or have a family? A 4 hour round trip would be difficult if that’s the case.

layladomino · 30/08/2021 18:01

It's really good that your DH has had the summer off work meaning he's able to help his Mum. And really good that he's been happy to do that. I'm sure his Mum really appreciates it.

I avoid judging people who don't do the same though. You don't mention his sister's circumstances - perhaps family / her own ill health / work make it very difficult for her, especially being a 2 hour drive away. There might even be circumstances that you don't know about.

But - if there are no barriers to her helping out, other than the 2 hour drive - say she doesn't work, has no children and could come to stay at her Mum's - I can understand it would make your DH feel resentful, or at least hurt on his Mother's behalf.

Unless one of you feels able to talk to her and ask for help, there isn't much you can do. And if your DH gets angry at his sister, there isn't much you can do.

Presumably you've made him aware that you want to avoid your two families falling out. The rest is up to him.

Unsubscribed · 30/08/2021 18:02

DH needs to calm down.
SIL's level of involvement in DM's care for whatever reason or for no reason is her own decision .
If DH needs support get professional carers.
Sorry you're in such a sad and stressful situation OP Flowers

SnoopyLights · 30/08/2021 18:03

what an odd comment ..? He’d just appreciate some support / advice / interest from his sister in caring for their terminally ill mum ….

Has he asked his sister for support / advice? Or does he just feel like she should know what he / their mother wants?

What is the relationship like between your SIL and MIL? Do they usually get along? Could SIL be avoiding this situation because of a past problem or difficult relationship between the two of them?

InFiveMins · 30/08/2021 18:06

His sister lives 2 hours away so can't exactly drive to your MIL every day can she? Luckily your DH lives closer to her so can do most of the caring responsibilites.

You say he can't trust himself not to 'blow up' at his sister - over what?! The fact he is having to care for his own mother during her illness?

It isn't a competition so no need for him to get so worked up and resentful about it.

ANameChangeAgain · 30/08/2021 18:10

So sorry you are all going through this. Your dh is lashing out because he is under immense pressure. His sister lives away and has children so really can't do much to help. How often does she visit, and is there somewhere for her to stay if she does visit? Is there room at mil's for her whole family to comfortably stay without being too much for your mil? Would it help if your dh and sil chipped in to get a once a day carer to give your dh a break? My grandmother had a end of life (I think through Mcmillan) to help when my grandfather was end of life. The nurse stayed overnight to give my grandmother a break.