Anger towards Sister in law

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My mother in law has had cancer for over 2 years , she had treatment which meant she was able to live her life normally (apart from covid) until around 4 months ago when she has now become very ill

My DH and our family have cared for his mum during this time, have taken her to all her appointments, and visited / checked on her

As my mum in law is now very ill , DH has been staying with her for the past 4 weeks looking after her.

DH has an older sister who lives 2 hours away from us and my mum in law .

She has not helped or offered help during this time in any way, she has also hardly visited her mum (which I know is her decision,.. she has to live with herself after all this is over)

my worry is that DH is so so angry with his sister for leaving him to care for his mum alone , that he will completely lose it when he sees her , and then our family and her family will fall out and not see or speak to each other again ..,,
i want my kids to see their cousins and have a relationship with their auntie / uncle but i am not sure what I can do?

I’ve asked DH to call / text her but he says he can’t trust himself to not blow up at her ,,,

Any advice on this situation , much appreciated x. TIA

I have seen situations like this a few times in families. You Husband should weigh up his Sisters circumstances before blowing up about things. It really isn't the time, to have any grievances about things, and as he is being very commendable regarding his care giving.he is the best man around. Family arguments will solve nothing,

Does the sister know the full situation regarding her mother?

When my nana was terminal my dad did the bulk of the caring for her. It almost killed him and certainly the stress contributed to his stroke. Once a month I travelled to see my Nana, with my 3 year old and after a full week at work. It was exhausting but I am incredibly grateful I had time with my Nana before she died. On the other weekends one of my siblings helped out, we took it in turns because thats what family do in my family. We care for each other l.

Now my MIL has worsening dementia and we are back to the driving up the motorway to support SIL. As time goes on we will increase our visits.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP , it's unfair. However, with my parents I fully expect my brothers to take on the vast majority of the care as they have had all the benefits of having our parents close by! Yes that sounds selfish but that is how we feel.

I am so sorry you are going through this. As someone who also cared for a terminal family member, with no help from siblings, I empathise with your husband and you. It's such a tough thing to do emotionally and physically. Some of the responses you have gotten are pretty nasty towards you and your DH. My sibling was deep in denial and so didn't help, it was very difficult to try and do it all alone. I saw their point of view but I wouldn't blame your DH for being angry. I was angry too. The four hour round trip may be an obstacle but if someone is dying then maybe you make more of an effort? I'm trying not to judge either side as I'm sure his sister is struggling in her own way, I just wanted to let you know I understand.

So what if your husband explodes at his sister.
She only lives 2 hours away. Presumably she could come and stay at your mil's house the same as your husband?
I personally wouldn't want anything to do with someone who was so fucking selfish.
I bet she'll have her hand firmly out for any inheritance coming her way.

What is your SIl's relationship with her mum pre-cancer? We're they close?

Some people are selfish and lazy, that's all there is to it.
Tell him to try not to burn any bridges, when his mother is long dead he will get over the anger and will appreciate someone who shares his memories.

Is there any communication from his sister? Does she phone regularly to see how her mum is or how her brother is? If there isn’t even that level of support then, yes, that’s pretty shitty. If she has support with her children and could get away for a weekend then that shows willing. It’s not easy living that distance away, as she is t able to “pop over” to help, it’s, logistically more difficult.

I think you're getting a lot of harsh responses here and if it was a woman doing it the answers would be different.

I can see why your DH is angry - it's very stressful being the primary carer for someone in the later stages of cancer.

SIL only lives 2 hours away and even if she can't commit to regular care I would expect that she would give your DH a break at least once a month or something like that over the weekend.

Did they (SIL & MIL) not get on?

That's the only thing that I can think of that would excuse the behaviour TBH...

Reality is that one sibling always does most of the care, usually it is a woman so well done to your DH for doing it, and for practical reasons it is usually the person nearest.

When 2 or more people are near unless they already have a very communal way of family life, it inevitably leads to fallouts over how to do it.

And when someone is far away, it does the same! The nearby person gets tired and a bit resentful, faraway person turns up and has bright ideas and pisses everyone off.

This situation plays out sadly over and over again. I found it tiring doing everything as an only child but watching DH and his siblings I realised it was far easier as one, not having to worry about falling out with brothers and sisters every minute at the same time as losing a parent.

I'd suggest to your DH that plain reality means that SIL was never going to do so much as she lives far away. Covid and bubbles/shielding will only have made this worse. She may also not have had the same relationship as him with MIL. Different people cope with grief in different ways as well. As the need for more help has only been recent, and if he hasn't told her, he can't expect her to be a mindreader.

Also if it is now so bad he has moved in, should he be asking for a care package?

I totally get it OP, if my sister was in the room with me now I would rage at her for her fecklessness, selfish behaviour, there’s a time to be with your family, she can’t be busy every weekend. Everything falls to me and I’m the one hundreds of mikes away. She is local. You can’t make people care. Also I’m having nothing to do with her in the future, I suspect that your DH feed the same about his sister. Let him. You can’t force him because of the cousins