Brother - what to do in a difficult situation

[HelloDeidre]

I have not had a relationship with my brother in over 20 years . He took a good bit of money from me and squandered it. Basally he has gone through life not working and living off the state, gambling and other nefarious dealings. He has never worked and doesnt have a good relationship with any of us in the family. I have 3 more siblings but they are all married , with teenage children and live in another country. I am unmarried and live alone. My brother who is the youngest also lives alone . We both live in opposite sides of London ..about 1.5 hours away from each other. I have close friends and a circle of support beyond my family. My brother has no real friends as he treats people badly and uses them. He had girlfriends when he was younger but they all left him. When he was young he travelled around the world to NY , Rio, Japan ...living off people he knew and none of us knew what he was up to. At various times people in the family have helped him out with jobs and money but he had little thanks or respect and squandered the opportunities. When he got older he began phoning my mother everyday because he had no one else to call and even she was fed up of him calling, bossing her about like my father used to do (when he was alive) and being aggressive on the phone if she didnt agree with him or answer all the time. My mother passed on and now he has become ill. His life style hasnt been great over the years . My siblings want me to basically move into my mother/his mother's role and take care of him. I cant be around him because he is so disaggreable. I suppose he just has issues from childhood but then so have I . I could possibly see or talk to him once a week but I know him so well. he has no boundaries and if you go to once a week , then he would demand twice a week. Years ago before he took my money he would ring several times a day and if you didnt answer or ring back he would start having ago down the phone . he does not respect anyone's boundaries . but on the other hand he is alone and ill. I know if I get involved then its a long difficult road and I want my life too. My siblings feel as i am unmarried and live in the same city then I should carry it all
If he were a stranger I would have no difficulty lending a hand . its just he is so like my father who i hated because he was so awful to us and also my brother can demand so much more being family as people do
I am so thorn about this Any advice or support would be gratefully received

You haven't had a relationship with him for 20 years for very good reasons. He's abusive and takes advantage of people. You are under no obligation to allow him back into your life and I highly recommend you don't.

Just because someone is related to you does not give them a right to be abusive. Just because your other siblings live abroad does not give them the right to expect you to deal with this alone.

If you find him so objectionable, then say no and think nothing more of it. If you cant do that then you establish a regular patten of calls with your siblings where you all call him once per week or once per month, at the same time. He does not call you - you call him. Dictate the terms of the contact and stick to it, any deviation and it ends. Buy a new mobile phone only for the purpose of calling him and have it turned off between contact. And get some counselling about the abuse you have experienced.

The only people you are "responsible" for are children and partners (assuming they treat you right and would do the same) if you ask me. You don't need to care for people you didn't elect to have in your life, and even more so ones who have treated you badly and stolen from you, and who wouldn't care for you if you needed it.

Are you close to your siblings abroad OP? Because they aren't treating you right either if they have said they won't be doing it, because by moving abroad they're saying they didn't need to stay around in case anyone needed them so obviously didnt think it important, then they shouldn't be telling you you'll have to.

People who want to care for someone can do so. People who don't dont have to.

When the people who either are or aren't start saying that someone else should do it instead of/as well as them then you have a problem. You can't say you'll care for someone but then make it into a problem that no ones helping you, because you didn't have to do it. So likewise when you say you won't care for someone you don't get to tell someone else they'll have to. You don't need to live with someone or have children, abroad or in the same country, to have enough going on in your own life that you don't have time or inclination to take on an adult man who has treated you the way your brother has whatever your siblings tell you.

@HelloDeidre

Well, isn't it lovely of your siblings, safely out of the firing line, to volunteer you to be the carer for your brother? Did they do the same with your mother also, I wonder?

In this situation my answer would be a resounding "No!" especially given you know you really won't receive any help from them. If you accept responsibility for him (when it sounds you need some support for yourself, in your own life) please be aware there is the strong likelihood they will withdraw (because you are doing what needs to be done) and, further down the line when he needs official support you will be the person already in the frame to be contacted by medical and social services and the other associated departments.

Do yourself a favour, OP, and protect yourself from being put in/accept a situation which will only get worse as he gets older and needs more help. 🌹

Explain that you cannot do it but you are happy to go half in an airplane ticket to siblings house/city for them to step in. Bet they will stop soon enough.
It does not matter if you are single or without dependents. You cannot do it.

Don't do it. You owe your brother nothing, or your other siblings.

Obviously, no you shouldn’t care for your brother. He will make you unhappy.

But I think you need to get some counselling to look at what has happened to you in the past and also the role your siblings want you to go into. I

Don't do it. You owe him nothing.

Your siblings are being completely unreasonable.

You don't have to have a partner or children to deserve a happy life free from this kind of burden from a sibling. Having a family doesn't qualify them to volunteer you up as sacrifice, it's just a convenient and very selfish excuse.

None of you owe your brother anything.

I can never understand posts like this, if my sibling volunteered me to care for anyone (let alone a waist of oxygen brother who stole money and abused me in the past) I would just laugh down the phone and tell them to fuck off and organise their own lives, leave mine well alone!
Are you actually considering doing it @HelloDeidre?

Practise phrases like 'no', 'that won't be possible', 'I wouldn't be able to make that work', 'that wouldn't suit me', 'I don't see why I have to', 'if you are so concerned, you do it'.

Employ said phrases when pressured by siblings. Learn techniques to change the topic, or just put the phone down.

Your brother sounds like a nightmare, you sound like a good sort who will get trampled all over if he is in your life. Don't be that doormat. You learn to be a little but awkward and you will enjoy peace of mind.

Feel no guilt, he is an adult and not your responsibility.

If he wasn't an abusive prick, he'd have people happy to help out. He's driven everyone away with his behaviour, so fuck him. He needs to access appropriate support through adult social services. His GP can refer him I believe.

😂😂😂😂😂

You tell your siblings after they've done their turn of a decade each you'll do yours.

I would quite simply refuse tbh. If they feel guilted into having a relationship with him that's on them you each have your own choice to make.

You reap what you sow - as they say.

The answer to your siblings is No. Don't give them excuses - they will try and negotiate around them / find solutions.

There is no need to feel torn - he's been abusive to you and your mother, he's stolen money from you. You owe him nothing. You don't even have to speak to him once a week on the phone. Never let other people volunteer you for a life long commitment .

The answer is No. Don't ask me about this again. and if any of your sibs do ask repeatedly - walk out of the room, hang up the phone

If your siblings are so concerned about your brother's welfare they should either have him move in with them, or relocate back to the UK and live near him to facilitate their caring of him.

Don't feel guilty about being the only person geographically close to him. He chose his path in life, now he gets to live it.

I say this as someone with a very abusive Grandmother who alienated everyone, including my Dad, her own son. My Mum being the loving and caring person she was tried to offer support and care. We just witnessed my Grandmother's nasty temperament. Illness doesn't make a selfish, demanding person nicer.

You owe your brother nothing. Do not get involved in any way shape or form.

The only reason your siblings are asking you to take over the carers role is because you are single. That's it.
Tell them no, you have responsibilities and you cannot and will not let your brother interfere with them by doing what your siblings are asking. It is not fair for it to fall to you and you are not going to change your mind about this. There are services that could be called upon to provide care for your brother but you want nothing to do with him or his care.

Don't do it.

If they all live in the same country, why not suggest they invite him to live over there with them, since the three of them could share the care.

Just say "I have been estranged from [brother] for 20 years, his illness, while sad, doesn't change anything between us. I will not sacrifice my mental health and wellbeing for your convenience. If you're worried about him or want to help him, then you will need to do it yourselves, not put it on me."

Agree with the above.. offer to pay half for his flight out to them

The only reason your siblings are asking you to take over the carers role is because you are single. That's it.

Totally agree with this. ^ Also because you are a single FEMALE! 🌹

Thanks everyone for your replies

And you are right I am called upon to be a carer because I am single and female.

But no one wants the burden as it will be just that a burden because my brother will make it so. He is like a selfish child that never grew up.

BTW I like the idea of the separate phone and turning it off when not used. That is a good idea in many situations

I guess I have been contemplating helping out in a limited way .
I better think again . A group share is what is needed with everyone having equal input. Its that or nothing

Start asking family members what you will get out of it.

You have every right to expect something in return for effort. As you describe yourself as a single woman I would suspect there may be wives in your family? with husbands for support?

A couple is always better so no a group share with equal input isn't needed.
You're single, answerable to no one and can say "no if you're so worried you can deal with it, I've got a life going on"

Your siblings would be delighted if you took care of your brother....they will be able to wash their hands of him and leave it all to you! Your brother's problems are not your problems. Don't ruin your life for everybody else's convenience. They won't thank you for it!

Hi all, I won’t be able to help look after my brother, I saw how hard it was for our mum and none of you were here to see both how hard it was and how horrible he was, I’m not going near this. I can contribute to his flight out to you where you can share the care between the three of you. Let me know when you’ve booked him something.
Cheers

My siblings and I have a rule. This shit is always discussed between the 4 of us. If you can't say it to someone's face don't say it behind their backs kind of thing. This is in terms of our parents.

I'm not suggesting awkward arse bro is part of the group but all the other siblings should be so there is no he said, she said....

Then say what others have suggested.

You can reframe it in your head that it's BEACAUSE you are single that you can't do it. You don't have that layer of support and back up necessary to deal with an abusive awful person. But your siblings do... so they can do it.

Don't get sucked into this . Say no.

Hi OP,

I read a phrase on MN once that is probably a bit of a cliché now, but it was a life-changing one for me in terms of how I deal with my abusive mother.

It was "don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm".

It totally changed my mindset because, like you, I was in danger of being dragged in to helping more, visiting more, doing more than I wanted to. All for someone who's treated me with contempt for all of my life. The guilt took me a bit to get used to, but I have firm boundaries established now.

Stay strong OP, and all the best to you.