Brother - what to do in a difficult situation

[HelloDeidre]

I have not had a relationship with my brother in over 20 years . He took a good bit of money from me and squandered it. Basally he has gone through life not working and living off the state, gambling and other nefarious dealings. He has never worked and doesnt have a good relationship with any of us in the family. I have 3 more siblings but they are all married , with teenage children and live in another country. I am unmarried and live alone. My brother who is the youngest also lives alone . We both live in opposite sides of London ..about 1.5 hours away from each other. I have close friends and a circle of support beyond my family. My brother has no real friends as he treats people badly and uses them. He had girlfriends when he was younger but they all left him. When he was young he travelled around the world to NY , Rio, Japan ...living off people he knew and none of us knew what he was up to. At various times people in the family have helped him out with jobs and money but he had little thanks or respect and squandered the opportunities. When he got older he began phoning my mother everyday because he had no one else to call and even she was fed up of him calling, bossing her about like my father used to do (when he was alive) and being aggressive on the phone if she didnt agree with him or answer all the time. My mother passed on and now he has become ill. His life style hasnt been great over the years . My siblings want me to basically move into my mother/his mother's role and take care of him. I cant be around him because he is so disaggreable. I suppose he just has issues from childhood but then so have I . I could possibly see or talk to him once a week but I know him so well. he has no boundaries and if you go to once a week , then he would demand twice a week. Years ago before he took my money he would ring several times a day and if you didnt answer or ring back he would start having ago down the phone . he does not respect anyone's boundaries . but on the other hand he is alone and ill. I know if I get involved then its a long difficult road and I want my life too. My siblings feel as i am unmarried and live in the same city then I should carry it all
If he were a stranger I would have no difficulty lending a hand . its just he is so like my father who i hated because he was so awful to us and also my brother can demand so much more being family as people do
I am so thorn about this Any advice or support would be gratefully received

They can’t make you do this. You have no relationship with him so why should you help? Don’t be guilted into this. He can sort himself out.

Tell your siblings to piss of. You have your own life, if they’re so concerned about your brother then they all support him not dump him on you. He’s made his bed, you do not have to give up your life to support him

You have absolutely no obligation to take care of your brother and your siblings have no right to tell you to do so. Especially as they have distance to protect them from any obligation of their own.

I would keep well away for the sake of your own mental health. A toxic person is a toxic person whether they are related to you or not. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

@CarrieMoonbeams, love the saying! My therapist always says 'you can feel sorry for a dog with rabies, but best not to pat it'. Guilt and obligation to toxic 'family' is so insidious isn't it?

I wouldn't help him at all. Nothing you do will be appreciated and it will never be enough. Why would you put yourself through that?

Your siblings need to hear the words, "no this does not work for me" from you repeatedly. And do not feel guilty about saying that to them either.

I would also concur with the suggestions previously made for you to have counselling re your family of origin.

You indeed have your own life to lead and you are under no obligation to become your brother's enabler in life now. You do not have a relationship with him for good reasons. Do not set yourself on fire to keep other people warm indeed.

The only person who has the right to sign me up to something, to volunteer my time, my energy and my work, is me. Nobody else. Not my husband, not my kids, and as they have learned the hard way, most definitely not my siblings, their partners, or my parents. They still need to be reminded every so often of this fact.

Same goes for them.

[quote Dacquoise]@CarrieMoonbeams, love the saying! My therapist always says 'you can feel sorry for a dog with rabies, but best not to pat it'. Guilt and obligation to toxic 'family' is so insidious isn't it?[/quote]
Haha, true enough Dacquoise!

You need to arrange a zoom call with all your siblings and tell them on this that your not in a position to mind your brother and that they need to come to London and sort things out for him.
He could live for a good number of years and in time his health will further decline so he need more help.
The reality is that you have your own life to live. You need to work to pay your living cost and to have a pension when your older. You can't afford to put your life on hold to mind your selfish brother.
The fact that you have not been contact with him for 20 years tells me that their is back story their of bad behaviour on his part so he can't think you help him now.
I have seen several people caring for parents and relations in either poor health or elderly and it hard work both physically and mentally. Their is very little down time. I can guarantee that no matter what your siblings say or promise they will be just to busy to come to London and give you a break if you take on a caring role for him.

I wouldn't zoom or phone them, gives them too much opportunity to dominate the conversation and emotionally blackmail OP.

Instead short email saying "I have not had a relationship with brother for 20 years, and his illness doesn't change that. If you want to support him, you will need to do it yourselves, not through me."

Is that you Cheryl?

When DF got ill, one of my siblings had the bright idea that I should quit my paid job, and become an unpaid carer for DF. As I didn't have a big high-flying career like they all did.

I said sure. I'd be delighted to oblige. If all of them can chip in to match my salary of 30k, plus pay for carers to enable me to have two days off a week in addition to bank holidays, that each of them give 5 days annual leave each to give me a full 4 week annual leave entitlement, to be taken at my own convenience.

Furthermore, they would also be responsible for ensuring my social security contributions and pension payments were paid as well as funding any top up training or development I may need to re-enter the workforce after I took a career break to look after DF.

It's rather odd how I never got a reply to that email...

Do not engage. Protect yourself and your resources. Ignore your siblings. Ignore your brother. These people are toxic users.

I could possibly see or talk to him once a week but I know him so well

You don’t need to be in the same city to make phone calls! Let them do it!

You could set up a group chat - that’s at it dilutes the issues some what - bit even then why bother? You clearly have no love for him (understandable) and it’s been 20 years!

Just say no to them all.