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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cried during sex and told dp to leave

26 replies

JurassicPark101 · 29/08/2021 19:44

And now I’m just sat here sobbing and broken.

I have a large amount of scarring across my chest that I’ve always been massively self conscious about. I’ve not really had many sexual partners, was with exdh for a decade and only ever had sex with lights off, under the covers.

I met dp about 18 months ago and he’s just been amazing. He’s made me feel desirable for the first time in my life. I barely think about the scarring on my chest and he’s never made a fuss about it at all.

A couple of hours ago we started kissing and stuff. We were in bed and he took my bra off and seemed to start laughing. I just felt like my blood ran cold, told him to please not laugh at me and went into the bathroom to try and pull myself together. I can’t stop crying, he comes in and tries to say that he wasn’t laughing at me, he’s never do that. That he was just smiling and then coughed. I told him that I needed him to leave and he did.

He lives over 100 miles away and had only got here about an hour before this. He was going to be staying a few days and I sent him home. I feel like such a twat. I don’t think he was laughing at me, I really don’t. But I’ve been laughed at before and it’s awful and I don’t know how I could ever have sex with him again even if he does want to see me again.

It’s all such a mess. I just want him to come back and start over again. But now he knows what an absolute neurotic mess I am why would he want to come back anyway.

I don’t know why I’m writing this really. I don’t think there’s an answer. I’m just feeling sad.

OP posts:

Rocktheboat87 · 29/08/2021 19:54

First thing is to be honest with him. Personally what I would have done is left him there in the bedroom and then gone in the bathroom to collect my thoughts. Just to double check how I feel. Sometimes we react to a situation and then later think wait why?

Sadly you've realised this but too late. I can imagine that if you genuinely feel he was being honest that he's probably quite annoyed about the situation.

Yes you probably made a mistake. Best thing now is to apologise, make him understand why you reacted that way and pray for forgiveness. Just be prepared that he might be on the defensive now and decide not to come back.

If so yes it's sad but just have to move on.

Queryquestion · 29/08/2021 19:59

What a hard thing to go through. I don't think this should end a strong relationship if you explain and acknowledge how hurtful and disrespected he must feel for having unfair accusations lobbed at him. If you really cannot adjust this perhaps you need therapy before a relationship anyway. But it's completely understandable that you pushed him away before he has a chance to cause you agony, as you would have perceived it. It sounds like a trauma response that has ended up generating further damage. I'd like to think he has the grace to see past it.

Colourmeclear · 29/08/2021 20:25

It's completely understandable but you are catastrophising to protect yourself. All is not lost.

I'm really sorry this happened, relationships have disconnects for all sorts of reasons, in good ones the damage is repaired through honesty, generosity and trust. Perhaps reach out to him to discuss this with him but don't phrase it has how neurotic you are etc etc you are human. Explain that you need to take a step back in the bedroom perhaps low lighting, wearing a top etc. It sounds like you were a little too far outside of your 'safe zone' and became hyper-vigilant. You're sorry and hope you can both move through this together. Your instinct here might be to push him away because you're worried he might leave you but this a perfect opportunity for growth. It will feel really uncomfortable but communication here can repair the disconnect. You tried something really brave and it didn't end how you had hoped but you should feel proud of how far you've already come.

TalbotAMan · 29/08/2021 20:30

Could you call him and ask him to turn back?

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2021 20:31

This could be a good thing if it is the catalyst for seeking professional support. Explain to him how you felt in the moment and what steps you are making to address the issues that were triggered.

Don’t beat yourself up, your insecurities clearly run deep but don’t let them hold you back any longer.

Jellybeanlovehearts · 29/08/2021 20:33

Ring him and see if he'll come back? Talk things through?

minipie · 29/08/2021 20:33

Just tell him what you’ve said here. Ideally ring him now before he’s too far up the motorway!!

You are allowed to be very sensitive about this one thing, it doesn’t make you a neurotic mess. He will understand. Just talk to him.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/08/2021 20:55

This is ringing bells

Did you post before about this man?

If so, what was it you said?

I'd have said this was you being sensitive etc if I wasn't thinking about a previous post about him that I remember being complicated/open to negative interpretation.

Siracha · 29/08/2021 21:26

The fact he lives so far away and left in a decent manner without getting annoyed for being accused of something he claims he didn’t do - I kind of feel sorry for him.

What if he genuinely wasn’t laughing? You could’ve had a lovely few days together.

Sort it out before it grows arms and legs.

However, if you’re certain he WAS laughing then that’s on him. You’ve done the right thing showing him the door.

We don’t know him, we don’t know his character, you do - so go with your gut.

Lollypop701 · 29/08/2021 21:30

Have you posted before op?

Plump82 · 29/08/2021 21:35

I've definitely read this before...

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 21:37

I’ve also read this before. Op what’s going on?

lyntheyresexpeople · 29/08/2021 21:46

I've read this before as well

Imnewhere1991 · 29/08/2021 21:47

This is ready sad... Are you ok OP?

youaresunshine · 29/08/2021 21:50

Hope you're OK op xx

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 29/08/2021 21:52

@Plump82

I've definitely read this before...

Me too. Had to check it wasnt a zombie thread.....

Imnewhere1991 · 29/08/2021 21:57

Actually I remember this from before too

JustAnother0ldMan · 29/08/2021 22:06

Let him think about it for a while, Wait until the morning, and send him a text saying you want to talk

Shockedatthesystem80 · 29/08/2021 22:12

I definitely remember this..

Original poster

JurassicPark101 · 29/08/2021 22:12

No, not posted about this before.

I genuinely don’t think he was laughing at me. It was just for that second when I thought he was and I just completely lost it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him now.

OP posts:

minipie · 29/08/2021 22:50

I genuinely don’t think he was laughing at me. It was just for that second when I thought he was and I just completely lost it.

Say this

Planty13 · 29/08/2021 22:52

Call him now. Tell him to turn around. Be totally truthful.

JustAnother0ldMan · 29/08/2021 22:53

Just tell him the truth, that’s all anyone ever wants

DetroitNeedsADog · 29/08/2021 22:58

Listen to your gut feeling. If you think he was being hurtful towards you, and you were uncomfortable and wanted him gone, pay attention to that. He WAS laughing. Dont let him gaslight you.
Personally I would run. Plenty more dick out there.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 22:59

I genuinely don’t think he was laughing at me. It was just for that second when I thought he was and I just completely lost it.

Call him to tell him this and if he doesn't answer, text it to him.

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