And now I’m just sat here sobbing and broken.
I have a large amount of scarring across my chest that I’ve always been massively self conscious about. I’ve not really had many sexual partners, was with exdh for a decade and only ever had sex with lights off, under the covers.
I met dp about 18 months ago and he’s just been amazing. He’s made me feel desirable for the first time in my life. I barely think about the scarring on my chest and he’s never made a fuss about it at all.
A couple of hours ago we started kissing and stuff. We were in bed and he took my bra off and seemed to start laughing. I just felt like my blood ran cold, told him to please not laugh at me and went into the bathroom to try and pull myself together. I can’t stop crying, he comes in and tries to say that he wasn’t laughing at me, he’s never do that. That he was just smiling and then coughed. I told him that I needed him to leave and he did.
He lives over 100 miles away and had only got here about an hour before this. He was going to be staying a few days and I sent him home. I feel like such a twat. I don’t think he was laughing at me, I really don’t. But I’ve been laughed at before and it’s awful and I don’t know how I could ever have sex with him again even if he does want to see me again.
It’s all such a mess. I just want him to come back and start over again. But now he knows what an absolute neurotic mess I am why would he want to come back anyway.
I don’t know why I’m writing this really. I don’t think there’s an answer. I’m just feeling sad.