DP depression or fallen out of love?

[TheBlueBear89]

Bit of backstory, have been with DP over 4 years and have a baby who is 9months. DP has history of depression (by his own admission) but has never sought help from the gp. He also has issues with alcohol and is probably a functioning alcoholic. Again, he knows he has issues with alcohol but refuses to get help although he has tried to cut down. On the whole he's a kind, loving partner and DD adores him. However since she has been born there have been a few occasions were he has spoken (whilst drunk) about not being sure if he loves me and doesn't know if he's only with me due to DD. After speaking through his feelings he admitted that he thinks he's actually just unhappy in himself rather than me specifically. Yesterday he was in bad form and suddenly blurted out last night that he was unhappy with me/us and has been for some time. I asked him did he still find me attractive and he replied that although he finds me attractive he doesn't really fancy me and doesn't particularly enjoy intimacy. This absolutely crushed me particularly as I'm slightly underweight at the min due to health issues stemming from pregnancy (for context I'm just over 5ft and 6stone10). He made reference about my weight being a turn off. He went on to say that he's unsure if he loves me and doesn't know if he's only with me because of DD. He couldn't explain/pinpoint why he was unsatisfied with me/us. We rarely argue and generally rub along well together, which he agreed with. I spoke with him and said I felt that the issue is him being unhappy in himself but rather than facing up to it and his drinking, it's easier to blame me for his own discontentment. He said it's possible but he thinks the issue is me, although really couldn't explain why.
I know people will advise me to LTB , but for a number of reasons that is not possible at this moment in time. My question is, has anyone else experienced similar? I'm starting to wonder if I am actually making him unhappy although he had issues with alcohol long before he met me. Has anyone else had a partner/dh "go off them" due to depression? Just to add, there is definitely no OW on the scene as I know that's a favourite conclusion on MN!

He's projecting his weaknesses onto you.
Your weight is low, but isn't any reason to speak to you like that.
There is something sinister about it. Is he of normal weight, or maybe quite overweight?

I'm sure you can relate to when you've been hungry and your brain sort of goes in to panic mode. We get a bit grumpy and we can only think about one thing. Depression is similar it's like a big grey cloud hanging over our heads and we can't shift it.

You've done well so give yourself a massive pat on the back for being so supportive and a stable rock in the relationship. How honest do you think he is being as he's sort of said he loves you then doesn't. However I wonder if that's the alcohol talking?

Understandably it's those who we love and are closest to us who can hurt us the most. What he said was uncalled for and he could have said it in a much better way.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation. Her partner suffers from depression and will lash out causing arguments and being unreasonable. He loves her but it's border line abuse. He basically controls her by telling her she's being silly and putting her down all the time. You can see her confidence has been knocked. Believe me we've tried to get her to end the relationship but she keeps saying he'll change and she loves him.

The question is can you deal with this for life because this will not change. It could be a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly re-curring event. You cannot help him or make him better because he chooses not to and any threat to leave if he doesn't like won't change it either.

Got to ask yourself are the happy parts worth the negative parts? I'd hope at the very least he's apologised for what he said.

Depression can certainly contribute to people not saying what they mean. Often they cannot think straight and end up lashing out at those closest to them. I’ve also been on the receiving end. It’s difficult for both parties involved.

He needs to seek help ASAP. Do you have a support network?

His alcoholism exacerbates the depression as alcohol inhibits the production of serotonin - so it's a downward spiral.

Of course a 9mth old baby loves her father - they're hard-wired to do so - doesn't mean he is a good dad or that the situation is healthy for her.

I’ve had 40 years of depression. I’ve never said anything to Dh like that.

The things he said to you aren’t really depression linked.

Thank you both for the replies @WhoppingBigBackside he is quite overweight (technically obese) and I know he would like to lose weight. I always tell him I love him how he is, and I genuinely like the way he looks (I love cuddly guys) but at the same time I would support him to lose weight if he were to put the effort in. I dont think he is projecting, I know I do look quite unhealthy but I'm not very underweight. It's most noticeable on my face and backside though unfortunately. @Rocktheboat87 he definitely is depressed but it's very hard to ascertain what are real feelings and what is "the depression talking". Although he was drinking last night, he wasn't drunk when he said this. It did seem very out of the blue though. We had a very minor disagreement the night before over something trivial but according to him he's been feeling like this for months, despite not showing any signs of unhappiness. Just to add he has recently been talking about another baby too, so last night really was quite a shock. I'm sorry to hear your friend is in a similar situation. It really is very wearisome. As he's had doubts before, I'm often left feeling insecure about the relationship but I felt the last few months have been good. He really needs to understand how much his low mood and drinking is affecting his decision making and get help. But he feels it's a sign of weakness. I suppose I'm starting to wonder now is the problem me? He is undoubtedly depressed but I'm starting to think maybe I'm contributing to it and it breaks my heart.

If you really can't leave right now, I think you should make positive plans of action to get you out of there at some point in the future. You cannot raise a baby with an alcoholic. It's incredibly damaging. Have a Google for "adult children of alcoholics".

Also if he keeps thinking he doesn't want to be with you, he could walk out any day - you need to be prepared for this.

Ultimately you're living with a man who refuses to get medical treatment for two conditions which are directly affecting you and his child (and as @category12 noted, the alcohol will be worsening the depression, and it has a cumulative effect.)

You cannot force him to seek help with his drinking. He has to want to do it. Nothing you say or do will help, until he wants help. Even if he goes along with it "for a quiet life" all that will happen is he will drink secretly. I am a recovering alcoholic. People around me begged me to stop drinking. I made out I was engaging with support and cutting down, but I just drank in secret and in fact my intake went up. If was only when I made the decision for myself that the recovery process started.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I honestly don't think he was meaning to be hurtful last night. It was said in a very resigned matter the fact way. He didn't seem to get any pleasure out of saying it and just looked sad.

I appreciate it, I just hope one day she will finally leave him. I have to remember she is an adult and it's her choice. Her whole family have even told her how terrible he is.

To some degree it appears that when he is happy he loves you and when he is in a bad place he doesn't. Perhaps by saying he wants another baby is a distraction for something to look forward to instead of actually dealing with his issues.

I 100% agree with what others are saying alcohol is a depressive. So that will obviously add to his pain when perhaps he thinks it's an escape. I've know a few addicts with different issues during my life and I know that it is highly unlikely even with help that they will be cured. Much like mine with sugar. I don't need a chocolate bar but I crave one. What's the harm I say to myself?

Logically at this point I'd be asking myself, can I continue this way, if I'd know he would be like this would I have entered the relationship, am I being abused her and do I wish to end it. There will always be someone else so never fear being single. Just make sure you think about yourself her because you matter. Particularly when you are being such a saint.

"I know people will advise me to LTB , but for a number of reasons that is not possible at this moment in time".

He clearly has underlying issues and had them when you met him. Why did you think he would make a life partner and then a father of your child? The responsibility of family life is proving too much for him, however hard he wishes it is not. He is not capable.

It is not ultimately for you to decide that "now it is not the right time to leave". You mean you have no money? Staying will just put further strain on him and you, your relationship and living situation. He clearly knows you and yr shared child are reliant on him. He is not able to support that responsibility as he has alcohol issues and most likely MH struggles. The responsibility and stress is too much for him.

You need to leave and make a home for you and your child. You have to fund that. You need to build a new life for yourself and yr child.

Unless you're holding his nose and forcing the drink down his throat, it's not you.

As an adult child of an alcoholic I think you were foolish to get together with him and even more so to have a child. Certainly don't have another child with him.

As for "Cant" leave right now well that isn't true is it? What you mean is you don't want to, you think you can "fix" him and possibly think your child is better off in an "unbroken" family - you're wrong on both counts.

The only person who can address addiction or indeed any mental illness is the person with it.

I have severe mh issues too. I need support to deal with them but ultimately the only person with the real chance of getting me to living as normal a life as possible is me.

You've made a mistake, now is the time to ensure that mistake isn't visited on your child.

Stop messing about debating the whys and wherefores he was like this before you got together.

Your priority now is your child and staying with him is not doing what's best for them.

That may seem harsh but it's the truth. It's utterly pointless your continually trying to analyse him and fix him.

Don't raise your child with an alcoholic. You should be very worried about your child's future growing up in this environment with a depressive, alcoholic father who does nothing to help himself or his family.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation yes I think I really should be getting my ducks in a row. You're absolutely right about the potential damage growing up in an alcoholic household can cause. Incidentally my stepfather was an alcoholic.....although in hindsight it probably isn't Incidental but rather history repeating itself which is very sad. I had no intention of having kids with him until he had majorly cut down on the alcohol. The pregnancy was unplanned but once I got pregnant he really stepped up. It all went downhill again since DD was born and this is now the third time he's expressed his discontentment. Well done on your recovery. That must have been tough. What prompted you to make the change? Did you ever feel unhappy with those around you and blame them? Sorry if that's too personal to ask, but it's helpful seeing it from the other side.
@Rocktheboat87 yes thats a very good point about him loving me when content but not when he's unhappy. Another baby could well be a distraction but of course it's absolutely not going to happen. @girl71 my job is well paid but I can only return part time due to the health issues. Financially I wouldn't be able to support me and DD on a part time wage, plus there are days were I do require help looking after DD when I'm sore. I've no family support so unfortunately have to rely on him.

Well done on your recovery. That must have been tough. What prompted you to make the change? Did you ever feel unhappy with those around you and blame them? Sorry if that's too personal to ask, but it's helpful seeing it from the other side.

I absolutely blamed the people around me, plus random people who for example cut me up on the motorway or stole my parking space at the supermarket. Or I didn't like the way someone read the news. Or I didn't like the song selection on Planet Rock. When you're an alcoholic, any excuse will do.

I only made real changes when I experienced the physical effects of withdrawal. Shaking, sweating, feeling out of control of my body.

Financially I wouldn't be able to support me and DD on a part time wage, plus there are days were I do require help looking after DD when I'm sore. I've no family support so unfortunately have to rely on him.

It sounds like he wants out though. If he fucked off right now, how would you cope?

You could claim benefits and ask for support with baby.

I very much doubt he's a huge help anyway

@Aquamarine1029 yes it is infuriating that he won't seek help even though he knows there's an issue. He sees is as a sign of weakness to admit there's a problem. Personally I think its a sign of weakness that he can't get through the week without drinking 3 bottles of vodka. @EvenMoreFuriousVexation how long did it take for the physical symptoms to kick in? AFAIK, DP very surprisingly doesn't get physical withdrawal symptoms. Although he does have a tendency to go to bed early the nights he's not drinking. The longest he's went without any alcohol since I've known him is about 5days....maybe a week at an absolute push. He would often be extremely rude to people also and get really annoyed at the faults of strangers (real or perceived). He's a big guy, otherwise I'm sure someone would have punched him by now.
@Evenmorefuriousvexation we live in his house so if he does properly end things we would have to find somewhere else to live. If it wasn't for the health problems I would cope quite well but I feel like they are holding me to ransom at the minute

Three bottles of vodka per week! Holy fuck. I thought you were gonna say he drank a few cans every night or something (which is still bad) but three bottles of vodka per week will mean he’s rarely ever sober enough to care for your daughter. I mean that’s 120 units weekly. There are only 168 hours in the week. He’s clearing 48 sober hours if he’s lucky spread throughout the week, bearing in mind some of that will be when he’s sleeping as he won’t be drinking then.

Please tell me he doesn’t ever have sole care of your baby. Please.

My mum got up to a bottle of vodka per day when she ended up drinking herself to death. Alcoholism is a progressive condition that only worsens without treatment and he is miles away from even considering help, even once he’s ready (if he’s ever ready) it can take many attempts.

You’re focusing on whether this guy actually wants or loves you when in reality you should be drawing firm boundaries around your helpless child and ensuring that she isn’t living with or in the care of a serious alcoholic. He’s in no fit state to be a parent or partner. Take it from some ken who grew up as the child of an alcoholic: don’t do this to her.

Yeah on average it would be 3 bottles a week. 2 at least. He undoubtedly has a problem. I genuinely was unaware of the extent of it though until after I got pregnant as we didn't live together prior to that. He never has sole care of her as I'm always in the house but I would let him watch her if I'm having a bad day pain wise. I would still come downstairs frequently though to check on him. Reading that back it's actually very depressing. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. It must have been extremely difficult watching her do that to herself and feeling helpless to stop it. Was she drinking for a long time before it got to the stage of a bottle a day? You're completely right that how he feels about me is really neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. I suppose the fact he's a drinker makes it more hurtful if that makes sense? I feel like i put up with so much then to be told I'm not loved or desired cuts even more. He "only" had about half a bottle when he said this so he wasn't drunk. Ended up feeling very foolish too that he's been feeling like this for so long and I hadn't even noticed. Even the other night he said he still wants another baby with me, but just not sure he wants a relationship. Im aware how ridiculous that is of course but it made me feel like little else than a brood mare.

Yeah, it’s a sting to be rejected by someone who is really so much ‘lower’ in the desirability stakes, I get it. He should be aware of how lucky he is you put up with him but clearly he isn’t. I don’t think it’s working between you both on any level.

He is treating you as a brood mare, yes. Why wouldn’t he want a second when he gets his partner to do the child rearing while he is able to continue to sit around and drink? It’s not like having a child has significantly impacted his life from the sounds of it.

Thanks for the kind words. She would drink a glass or two a night for most of my childhood, then when I was 19 she had to move house due to a divorce and that was the point where she went from drinking a moderate amount daily to just necking vodka so that she could sleep through the emotional pain. Became dependent very quickly and it only took two years for her to die, the body can’t sustain chronic serious alcohol abuse for very long, especially middle aged women. She was an incredible mother though, I had many years with her as my mum not drinking noticeably, always tried to hide it and shield me from it, didn’t want me to visit towards the end because of what I’d see. She tried her best to get better and had support but sadly she died before she was able to get to a place where she had a chance of recovery. If you don’t manage to recover in time then sadly death is a likely outcome. I miss her a lot and have nothing but love and respect for her and how hard she fought it, but it did mess me up for a long time. It’s been ten years now and I still see her in my dreams a few times every week.

How come you think you can’t leave?

Thing about an alcoholic is they can only love the bottle.

Have you looked into what financial support you might be entitled to as a sole parent? Universal credit top-up etc, whether you'd get any extra help due to your condition?

He'd also be expected to pay child support.

@BabyLeaf that sounds incredibly hard for your poor mother and you. It really is so sad how it tears families apart. I'm sure that when she initially drank to help her sleep she thought it would have just been a temporary measure to help her through the blip. Alcoholism is such a sneaky and insidious disease. It's heartbreaking that she lost the battle despite trying her best.
Did you receive any support for yourself? I'm sure you done the very best you could for her and I hope you take comfort in that. I've no doubt your mother knew how much you loved and cared for her. I dont think I'm better than him as such but I am definitely a lot kinder, more intelligent and have more resilience. My health condition has left me unable to eat solid food for about a year and a half which I struggle with a lot and has caused other side effects too. I'm tired much of the time and when I'm having a bad day I struggle to watch DD. I still do a lot on those days but I definitely need his help. He stayed in bed all day yesterday after sitting up till 5am in the morning. In fairness I suggested he had a duvet day as I was just so hurt and angry with what he'd said the previous night. My weight is really my achilles heel so to say I'm not desirable because of it really stung. I've changed my outfit 3 times today trying to find something that I would look "fatter" in. We're taking DD out today and I'm just feeling so sad about it all. He said yesterday that everything is fine between us but I feel as if I have to perform 110% and be happy happy happy all the time ir it will give him further ammunition that I'm a miserable cow and dragging his mood down too.

Urgh, you really slept walked into a shitty situation. He doesn’t like himself and rather than do the work to change things, you are the target for his self loathing.

You have a child and you have health issues, you don’t have the capacity to keep investing in someone who chooses not to help himself.

@AgentJohnson I don't think he likes himself either but he comes across as very arrogant and full of confidence. I asked him today did he mean what he said about not fancying me and he just groaned and said "ah not this again. I knew you would start. I should have just stayed in bed". I explained to him that he can't jusy say incredibly hurtful things to someone and then expect them to forget about it. He said then grudgingly that he does fancy me but it's very hard to as I'm so annoying. I asked him to tell me something I do that annoys him. He said I was always fishing for compliments. For reference I came downstairs earlier and asked did my top go with the jeans I was wearing. According to him that was me "being needy" and looking validation he got quite annoyed then and said he just DOESN'T DO compliments and I need to accept that. He was getting very annoyed about it all then so I just stayed quiet. It really just seems like he hates me