DP depression or fallen out of love?

[TheBlueBear89]

Bit of backstory, have been with DP over 4 years and have a baby who is 9months. DP has history of depression (by his own admission) but has never sought help from the gp. He also has issues with alcohol and is probably a functioning alcoholic. Again, he knows he has issues with alcohol but refuses to get help although he has tried to cut down. On the whole he's a kind, loving partner and DD adores him. However since she has been born there have been a few occasions were he has spoken (whilst drunk) about not being sure if he loves me and doesn't know if he's only with me due to DD. After speaking through his feelings he admitted that he thinks he's actually just unhappy in himself rather than me specifically. Yesterday he was in bad form and suddenly blurted out last night that he was unhappy with me/us and has been for some time. I asked him did he still find me attractive and he replied that although he finds me attractive he doesn't really fancy me and doesn't particularly enjoy intimacy. This absolutely crushed me particularly as I'm slightly underweight at the min due to health issues stemming from pregnancy (for context I'm just over 5ft and 6stone10). He made reference about my weight being a turn off. He went on to say that he's unsure if he loves me and doesn't know if he's only with me because of DD. He couldn't explain/pinpoint why he was unsatisfied with me/us. We rarely argue and generally rub along well together, which he agreed with. I spoke with him and said I felt that the issue is him being unhappy in himself but rather than facing up to it and his drinking, it's easier to blame me for his own discontentment. He said it's possible but he thinks the issue is me, although really couldn't explain why.
I know people will advise me to LTB , but for a number of reasons that is not possible at this moment in time. My question is, has anyone else experienced similar? I'm starting to wonder if I am actually making him unhappy although he had issues with alcohol long before he met me. Has anyone else had a partner/dh "go off them" due to depression? Just to add, there is definitely no OW on the scene as I know that's a favourite conclusion on MN!

@TheBlueBear89 he doesn't hate you. He hates himself.

The problem with men like this is that you end up believing what they say and thinking you ARE the problem. Believe me it is only when you get away from them that you realise THEY are the problem . Start making plans to leave - you and your child deserve better than this.

Your post really resonated with me OP and it's because when my ds1 was a baby my dp admitted that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me and the reason we were no longer intimate was because he didn't fancy me anymore.
The fact that he also had a raging addiction and also had periods of depression - both of which contributed to his premature ejaculation problem was mentioned and so I internalised the shame of him not fancying me and the incredibly painful heartache of someone falling out of love with me and changing his mind about getting married.
Despite his change of heart he had no plans to move out or end the relationship and so we continued as I battled through post natal depression and a series loss of self esteem.
We or certainly I lived in a weird type of limbo for longer than I care to admit.
I really, really wish I had left him years before I eventually did.
He's put his cards on the table.
Please, please put your self and your child first.
He needs help and compassion but he has to seek it for himself and even if you still want to support him, you can do so from a distance.
Maybe he'll come to his senses, maybe treatment of both the depression and the addiction will enable him to realise he really is in love with you.
But just as likely you could spend the next 2, 5, 10 years on tenterhooks, waiting for him.
You truly deserve real love and a partner that seeks to build you up emotionally and this isn't that.

I asked him to tell me something I do that annoys him. He said I was always fishing for compliments. For reference I came downstairs earlier and asked did my top go with the jeans I was wearing. According to him that was me "being needy" and looking validation confused he got quite annoyed then and said he just DOESN'T DO compliments and I need to accept that

Yeah that's the kind of shit I'd say when I'm the grip of addiction. Everything is someone else's fault and everything is an excuse to drink.

You asked earlier how long for withdrawal symptoms to show. This totally depends on the individual and their metabolism. At 3 bottles (litres?) per week there's unlikely to be a physical addiction that would cause withdrawal symptoms. At this point, if he wanted to stop, he could go cold turkey without any risk to his physical health.

But are you sure that's all he's drinking? Is there any possibility he's drinking through the day secretly?

@MrsMaizel although the rational part of my brain knows I'm not the problem, another part of me is wondering 'but what if I am?' I know I don't cause him to drink as he recently admitted that before he met me he was spoken to at work about coming know hungover etc and he says he's actually cut down since getting into a relationship. But since DD has come along he's upped the ante again. I'm very good to him and I don't mean that in an arrogant way but rather I feel like I have to be an exemplary partner or he'll throw me out.
I'm sorry you experienced the same thing @Wishingwell75. That must have been a huge blow, particularly after having just given birth to his child. I expect you must have felt very cheated. Was it alcohol he was addicted to or something else? I know the current situation with DP cannot go on indefinitely. I'm planning to leave once I get more financially secure/in better health.
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank for your candour in your posts. It really is very helpful to see if from the pov of someone who has struggled with dependency. Yeah he wouldn't really hide how much he drinks. Well he would hide bottles badly in the bin when finished or he would finish a bottle of vodka and place it back in tje fridge so I don't "notice" that it's empty IYSWIM. He wouldn't actually outright lie about the amount he drinks though. He admits it's too much but doesn't do a damn thing about it. He's drinking again tonight and raised his voice at DD for knocking over his drink. I heard the commotion

Sorry hit send too soon *I heard him so came downstairs. I asked him what was wrong and he said about her knocking over the drink (which was on a low table). I told him it was his fault for leaving it there. He got annoyed at me for saying that. Can I ask would you have been very irrational in your thinking/behaviours too? And would you have pushed partners away?

@Wishingwell75 our lives sound very similar historically.

Depression and addiction is a toxic combination. The bottle is the mistress who always wins. There is no win here. If not for yourself, think of your child, leave him now. He will take everything you could be giving to your child for himself.

So you're mainly with him out of fear of being homeless? You said you didn't live with him until DD came along. Where did you live before, can you go back?

The thought of a drunk man shouting at a 9m old baby and you being 6st worrying about why he doesn't say you're beautiful is bringing tears to my eyes.

Please get help to get out before this man ruins your and DD's lives.

Well regardless of his addiction and depression, he has told you a number of times how he feels, so I would take that on board. It seems that when you press him about it, he backs off a bit and “changes his thought” but that is probably because he doesn’t actually want to face up to breaking up with you. He has said he is with you more for the DD. He couldn’t be clearer.

Surely you will know from how intimate you are together?

If you just blame his addiction and depression then I fear you will be waiting a long time and the result will eventually be the same. As others have said, alcoholism is very hard to beat and he is notevenatthe stage of wanting help.

I would leave. This relationship is not even that old and it’s too hard. You and Dd deserve a life of fun and being stress free. You only get one life.

He left his alcoholic drink on a low table where your nine month old could touch it?

His lack of care could get her killed.

It's so difficult to leave sometimes, I really do appreciate that. When the alternative to your own place is a hostel or a b+b with your little one, it's not so clear cut is it.
The first thing to do and it does sound like you are already doing it, is to be very clear in your mind, that he's not well and the things he says to you are because of the way he feels about himself right now.
Then you just carry on getting your ducks in a row (can't believe I actually used the classic MN phrase!😁)
I will just reread your later posts to see what you've said about who owns the property etc.

I am sorry you have health problems to contend with as well.
Could you chat to your health visitor if you have a good one. You don't have to go into details apart from saying the relationship is not great and you don't have the resources right now to move. She might be able to support you by writing a letter of support that you could send/take to the council/housing associations. The same with your GP, ask for evidence of your health issues and also the cost to your own mental health.
As I am sure you know, social housing is overstretched but anything you can do to get on the list and in the right bracket.
Of course, this is only if you feel confident you can keep your DD safe. I am not suggesting dv, but if he's becoming careless about leaving his drinks on the table, it sounds like things are escalating.
I am sure you are fully aware of all of this already.
One thing though - you mentioned your stepdad had a drink problem; I don't think it a coincidence that your DP has similar; more likely to be do do with trauma bonds and that's something to be unraveled with a therapist at some point if you choose to. It's definitely not something to reproach yourself for, especially right now when you have so much going on.
Being kind to yourself, your own best friend is vitally important, never more so than now.
Really wishing you every success; it can be daunting but imagine not having to walk on eggshells and having his mood dictate the atmosphere in your home. X

Can I ask would you have been very irrational in your thinking/behaviours too? And would you have pushed partners away?

I can't say about partners because my addiction has only got its teeth into me in the last few years, and I've been single (by choice!) for the last 8 years.

But I've certainly pushed away those closest to me. I've lost my sister, lost my best friend. I came very close to losing my (adult) son, but he's still hanging in there.

It's not the same for everyone, but when I reach a certain stage of drunk, I find fault and offense in ANYTHING. Oh I put my drink down in a precarious position with a child around? CHILD'S FAULT if it gets knocked over. Someone texted me and made a typo? FUCK YOU, YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO SPELL CHECK.

If he won't accept that he has a problem, please, for the sake of your children, leave. This is not going to get better.

You might benefit from seeking help from Al-Anon - it's support for the families and loved ones of alcoholics.