Anyone else ignored their gut and married the wrong person?

[Rosa8907]

I feel like I’ve made such a mess of my life and looking back can’t believe ignored all the red flags and gut feelings I had about my husband.

We’ve been married 3 years, together 5 and have two kids (2.5 and 6 mth year old). I had doubts from the moment we got engaged, I completely didn’t see the proposal coming and was so surprised and we were staying at his parents house on holiday at the time I felt I had to say yes as he had told them all about it and even arranged a celebratory lunch for afterwards. I thought it was my anxiety and self doubt so I went along with things.

I had doubts and panic attacks all the way leading up to the wedding but didn’t put two and two together and think..maybe it’s because my gut is screaming not to do it. I have issues with anxiety and not being very assertive ..but it’s cost me a lot of happiness. My mum and husband are both domineering characters and everytime I expressed doubts to her she told me I was being ridiculous and expecting too much and she had also contributed financially to the wedding so said I would be letting her down. I know in my late 20s I don’t need to listen to my mum but I suppose I knew there was going to be no family support and it was another battle I was going to have. It’s mainly that I just didn’t trust my own gut feeling though. My husband has always been very good on paper so my head told me to keep going...he was never abusive or unfaithful and the problems we had seemed potentially solvable when I had my logical head on.

I started therapy a few months ago and I hoped it would help improve the relationship but it’s just made me realise how wrong we are for each other. I’m very sensitive, free spirited, used to be very passionate and sexual and very affectionate and empathetic with friends and family. My husband is very logical but quite rigid and opinionated, introverted and have to drag him on days out / holidays, very blunt and insensitive and can be hurtful on a daily basis without meaning to be but it means we constantly clash. The main thing is we are just not aligned sexually at all..I thought this was a minor thing that could be worked on but it never got better and obviously got much worse after having kids.

I feel like I absolutely can’t continue in this marriage for the rest of my life..but I feel totally trapped because I know husband would want 50/50 childcare. Not only would that break my heart when the kids are so young I think it would be so disruptive for them not having a full time home. I also don’t want to go through courts so would rather try and agree something between us..I feel like I need to stay for a few years until the kids are older. I can’t have my 6 month old living in a different house for half the week / every other week, I’m still breastfeeding for a start and cosleeping every night.

If I knew he would go for one week night and every other weekend I would be gone, it’s purely because of the kids but I feel so low because I can’t leave and kicking myself for not listening to myself when things would have been so simple to make a clean break.

I think is quite a common situation for many couple and I am really sorry - I know how it feels, I did the same thing and divorced (no kids thank god!). Do you think you could try couples therapy or marriage counselling? At least you would both know better the other's feelings and thoughts and hopefully can work together towards what is best for the children. I am not saying you should stay because you seem quite clear your marriage wrong and want to leave, I am just saying it's always best to try to maintain and improve communication between parents whatever the situation and counselling maybe one way if you think he would be willing.

Im really sorry youre going through this. If therapy is still an option, by all means KEEP GOING. You seem to be making progress already and I think you can only continue to grow even more by getting reconnected with your true self.
Also do whatever it takes to not have another baby with him because that will keep you tied to him even longer. You can try and see if you could emotionally check out, be as amicable as possible until your kids are at an age where you can leave. Also start working on your financial independence, maybe look into a part time job or a degree that will put you in a better position later on. You have the motivation driving you now because you know that you want to leave, so you ll be more energetic to see the goals through that will help prepare you for "life after marriage". Dont beat yourself down for why you got into a marriage with him, thats done. Also dont confide in your mom as she might give him the hint that youre getting ready to leave. You seem really collected and im wishing you all the best. You can do this

I highly recommend you split as soon as possible due to your children's ages. The older they get the harder it will be on them. It will be a big change, but it will be absolutely worth it.

I also think this is the best time due to ages, and it’s fine if it’s fifty fifty. You’re making excuses not to go op. You can both manage it so your kids get the best of both worlds. Do it now and they won’t know any different

In addition you’re doing the exact same thing you did about your marriage, scared to act.

I totally agree with @Aquamarine1029 - better for the DC if you split sooner rather than later. I split when mine were 5 and 8. I think it would have been easier on them if they had been younger (so grew up not remembering any different). With shared care, no court is going to award 50/50 access for a breastfeeding child so your youngest (at least) would probably spend a lot more time with you than him.

Me! We should never have married. The red flags were there, but I was sure noone else would want me and this was my only chance. I got really ill in the run up to the wedding and have only recently put two and two together.

Currently we're separating and yes, it's hard. But the utter RELIEF that I will one day have my own home and life without him in it is immense.

The issue here is that he obviously felt like you were the one and then took a gamble at his parents house. You obviously felt compelled to say yes because you didn't want the embarrassment. Plus once you say no you can't then say yes because it's awkward.

However for the future you then should have turned around and told him that you said yes to avoid embarrassment but you meant to say no. Easier said that done I know.

Personally you only get one life and once it's over, it's certainly over. You should always make the most of your life. The issue here is that it would be awkward or not so convenient to end it but by not ending it you are making yourself unhappy.

End it be happy, don't end it remain unhappy. It might sound a little harsh but when you look at it logically those are your options.

Ask yourself do you want to continue in this marriage for the next year, 10 years, 20, 30....?

Op, why do you think he would go for 50:50?

With such young children it's unlikely he would get shared care, especially if you are currently at home. Why not seek legal advice.

I agree with leaving sooner rather than later of you believe the marriage cannot work.

If you want to change the direction of your life then start listening to yourself and make changes. I know it's scary but ultimately you are in charge of your life now.

Me. But I was young and naive. I am re-married now and the difference between being married to someone who I am compatible with and who treats me like a queen and is like my best friend is life changing.
Like you I spent years trying to make it work for the dc sake. Worried I’d end up financially screwed and kids messed up etc.
Took the plunge and left and never looked back. As my exh was a hands on dad we agreed a 60/40 (to me) split. Yes it broke my heart not seeing them for days at a time and took a lot of adjusting to on my part but the kids were fine and happy.
Exh couldn’t really cope with that much contact so it dwindled after a few years anyway. Dc are now teens and they have been full time with me for 3 years now. They make their own minds up as they get older.

I’m mid 40s now and have been divorced 10 years. Wish I’d left sooner to be honest as the older you get the more you realise that being unhappy is such a waste of our lives and life is too short.

Me. He turned out to be extremely abusive. The signs were there but I knew nothing about domestic abuse.

I also had no friends locally nor any family (that are interested in me) during our “courtship” so no one discussed the wedding preparations or my new boyfriend with me.

Sadly, many people marry the wrong type even after a gut feeling or more.

To all and everyone - if you are not yet married and have a gut feeling or more - think hard before you tie the knot as it's a lot more painful having spent loads of money etc and then 100% confirming you OH is a dirty little cheat, etc, etc.

Yes, but I got out after 14 hideous months! The awful thing is I realised I'd made an awful mistake the morning I woke up after the wedding but I did "try" very hard to make it work.
I was very cautious second time around but needn't have worried 40+ years and 4 DC's on I'm glad I didn't persist any longer with the first marriage. It was a big deal in the 1970's leaving your marriage and was not the done thing if you had kids.
OP do not wait until your DC's are older, as from "breakups" that I have witnessed the younger the children are the better they cope.
As a PP said life is too short to be miserable.
Good luck

I think children have limited memories of this period of their lives - its better to establish a 50/50 routine now so its what they have always known. I doubt a judge would expect a breast fed child to be sent to the other parent for 50/50...

I think he can't get overnights if you're breast feeding.

Need to check that with rights of women

Sorry but bar the breast feeding, if there's nothing wrong with his parenting, he should get 50:50 if he wants it. I feel for you, and of course you shouldn't stay for the kids, and splitting while younger is easier on them ( mine was 20 months old and can't remember his dad and I ever living together, which is a good thing) but the relationship between you both is different than between father and child. Same as he shouldn't try and do the same to you. You may not be good together as spouses, but you will have years Co parenting to get used to. You don't want to do that constantly arguing or having resentment over the unfairness. If you think about it, from what you've said, he's done nothing wrong and yet will be losing access to his children as well as losing his marriage. Just try and be as fair as possibke

Thanks for the replies everyone..I know it’s probably better to leave when the kids are young it terms of them remembering I just feel like 50/50 would be a long time away from their mum at this age. My husband is a good dad but he’s not very affectionate or nurturing, he’s hands on and helpful with the practical and fun stuff but doesn’t have much patience and we have different parenting styles..I’m more cosleep, lots of cuddles, positive discipline and he’s more leave to cry and ‘because I said so’. We’ve already had so many rows about the sleep I worry he would insist I sleep train as he wouldn’t want to cosleep.

It might sound like a minor thing but i had very absent and unaffectionate parents so making sure my kids feel safe and loved is my top priority. Me and husband are just on different planes with this type of thinking which hasn’t helped bring us any closer together.

I’m hoping if I can just stick it out until they’re a little older and immerse myself in hobbies / friends when my youngest is a little older and I regain some free time it will be more bearable. It’s just horrible to feel so trapped and we struggle to have a single conversation at the moment without bickering or passive aggressive comments...I find it so upsetting just being around him.

I don’t go back to work full time for another 6 months also..but when I do I earn more than him so am financially independent at least.

I am going to suggest couples counselling when I’m a bit further a long with my own therapy. I don’t the marriage is salvageable but as people have said I still want us to be able to be more civil as co parents. I just find that he’s so unkind now it’s that total lack of empathy.

I think if you bite the bullet now and get out you’ll be very glad you did. I had a friend in your position. She moved back home to family. A year later she met her now husband and is so happy with more kids. You know you aren’t compatible. Your kids will adapt. The fear is holding you back. Everyone I know who has done it has no regrets.

Hi op. I understand you not wanting to be away from your baby at such a young age so would also stay together for longer just for that.

However, I think many relationships struggle when you have young babies so make sure it isn't that.

But also, i think sometimes having children brings you greater clarity of what is right and what is wrong. For example, I would not want my daughters to have the same relationship I had with their father but would absolutely love them to find someone like my boyfriend. That speaks volumes.

Me. With big clanking bells on. I divorced when the kids were 2&3. They have no memory of us together. He is a psychopath and he lost his parental rights.

Don't wait.

Yep I definitely knew in my gut that I shouldn’t get married but I ignored it and less than a year later I divorced him. All the signs were there, even back when we got engaged.

But it’s lead to me finding the actual love of my life and father of my 2 year old. This wouldn’t have happened if I had delayed leaving my then husband.

Get out now, as early as possible, life is too short. It will be so much harder on your kids when they’re older. You don’t know for sure that he will get 50/50 as your youngest is so small.

Yes I married the wrong person. We were together about 13yrs and married for half of those. Luckily we didn't have kids to worry about though.
We were together from late teens to early 30s and I wasted all my best years on him.

He continually pushed at me to have kids with him and the thought of that turned my stomach. I think we dragged it out so long because we'd invested in a house together and neither of us could afford to own it alone. He had some good traits that I assumed I'd never find in someone else (and I actually haven't since) and I had very low confidence leading me to think I'd never find anyone else. I also felt that I would be letting down my family if I ended the marriage - it later came out that no one in my family actually liked him, they were just politely tolerating him.

It got to the point where we argued constantly, I couldn't bear to be around him and then he started being violent. We decided to call it a day and filed for divorce. He made it difficult at times and I actually had a wobble and considered staying together. That would have been the worst decision ever.
Before the divorce proceedings even started he'd found someone else and started parenting her kids . He was an emotional limpet and can't bear to be alone. They seem well suited and she seems to think he's the most amazing man in the world. She absolutely would not believe me if I contacted her and told her about the DV issues. He spun a tale to his family and work about how he was attacked by me so he will have told her this too.

OP make sure you leave as soon as you can as things will only get worse and you'll get more ground down by it. Delaying it will only make it worse and you'll keep finding excuses not to leave. I ended up accepting a few more shitty relationship afterwards as I still have low confidence.

Even though my DP is lovely and we have a family, I still don't trust my judgement that it's the right relationship. I find it so odd that he's blissfully happy with me because my ex still has me convinced that I'm a dreadful person that is unbearable to live with and incredibly irritating.

I feel for you. A number of reasons for putting it off seem to be about your own feeings, and it being bearable for you. I agree with others, it would be more bearable for the children doing it sooner rather than later.

I think you should leave now too.
No way will he get 50 50 whilst you're breastfeeding!!
Sounds miserable. Don't stay. Life is too short.

I’ve left two marriages ( one with children) because I didn’t listen to that little voice inside me. I am now happily married but things were hard earlier on in life. However, I was right to leave. If you cannot face a future with him you must be true to yourself and sort out arrangements for the children - it won’t be easy but you need to do this.