Anyone else ignored their gut and married the wrong person?

[Rosa8907]

I feel like I’ve made such a mess of my life and looking back can’t believe ignored all the red flags and gut feelings I had about my husband.

We’ve been married 3 years, together 5 and have two kids (2.5 and 6 mth year old). I had doubts from the moment we got engaged, I completely didn’t see the proposal coming and was so surprised and we were staying at his parents house on holiday at the time I felt I had to say yes as he had told them all about it and even arranged a celebratory lunch for afterwards. I thought it was my anxiety and self doubt so I went along with things.

I had doubts and panic attacks all the way leading up to the wedding but didn’t put two and two together and think..maybe it’s because my gut is screaming not to do it. I have issues with anxiety and not being very assertive ..but it’s cost me a lot of happiness. My mum and husband are both domineering characters and everytime I expressed doubts to her she told me I was being ridiculous and expecting too much and she had also contributed financially to the wedding so said I would be letting her down. I know in my late 20s I don’t need to listen to my mum but I suppose I knew there was going to be no family support and it was another battle I was going to have. It’s mainly that I just didn’t trust my own gut feeling though. My husband has always been very good on paper so my head told me to keep going...he was never abusive or unfaithful and the problems we had seemed potentially solvable when I had my logical head on.

I started therapy a few months ago and I hoped it would help improve the relationship but it’s just made me realise how wrong we are for each other. I’m very sensitive, free spirited, used to be very passionate and sexual and very affectionate and empathetic with friends and family. My husband is very logical but quite rigid and opinionated, introverted and have to drag him on days out / holidays, very blunt and insensitive and can be hurtful on a daily basis without meaning to be but it means we constantly clash. The main thing is we are just not aligned sexually at all..I thought this was a minor thing that could be worked on but it never got better and obviously got much worse after having kids.

I feel like I absolutely can’t continue in this marriage for the rest of my life..but I feel totally trapped because I know husband would want 50/50 childcare. Not only would that break my heart when the kids are so young I think it would be so disruptive for them not having a full time home. I also don’t want to go through courts so would rather try and agree something between us..I feel like I need to stay for a few years until the kids are older. I can’t have my 6 month old living in a different house for half the week / every other week, I’m still breastfeeding for a start and cosleeping every night.

If I knew he would go for one week night and every other weekend I would be gone, it’s purely because of the kids but I feel so low because I can’t leave and kicking myself for not listening to myself when things would have been so simple to make a clean break.

@Rosa8907 Yes, me. We met at speed dating and I disliked him immediately. But, he came to talk to me at the end of the evening, I gave him my number, and we started going out with each other. I remember thinking to myself that this was my chance to have kids (previous relationship my partner couldn't), that he would never cheat or hurt me, and I went with it. The first time we went away together for the weekend he did something really childish with the toy rabbits in the Beatrix Potter shop...... and also refused to have sex that night as I had dragged him away from the pub before his song came on the jukebox..... The day he proposed I cried and felt sick the rest of the day, but pushed it away from my mind and kept going. Then a few weeks before the wedding he got us thrown out of a club for screaming at one of the female bar staff. I took my engagement ring off that night and should never have put it back on.
And on the day of our wedding, he told me in the car on the way to the reception that he had left our 5 month old son with his sister while he went to the hotel bar for five pints, after he'd insisted on taking him and looking after him to give me 'a break'. I was furious but had to brush it off. So many bloody things that now tell me my gut was right. I still dislike him 15 years on. What have I done? My advice to you (and me) is to get out now before you drift through life unhappily, trying to do the 'right thing'. It's really really hard, but the sadness and disappointment and regret will drag you down, so please try to move on as best you can. You will be happy again, and don't forget to listen to your gut from now on x

50/50 is not likely for a baby, its not in their best interest, babies need consistent care from a primary care giver, plenty of literature available on this. So do it asap as the the older they get the more likely 50/50 is.

You need to get out of the relationship. Life is too short.

Yes. The day before I wanted to pull out but decided to go through with it because I felt like I'd be letting the attendees down if I didn't marry him. Our marriage was a nightmare.

We didn't marry thank goodness but yes me! I can remember watching him absentmindedly walking to the loo in a pub and I involuntarily shivered. My gut was constantly screaming at me. But I still went with it, got engaged and had DS. He was possessive, controlling, stupid, opinionated and difficult. We split up when DS was six months old.

Please leave now. You will be okay.

As PP have mentioned 50/50 is far more likely the older the children get

Divorce. You need to be happy and sane for yourself and your kids. You will feel so much better. It is not the end of the world.

OP, I am sure you are getting loads of helpful replies here, I just wanted to say that reading your post was like reading about my own life. Parts of your story is so identical to mine. I too had a very surprise proposal, and everything after that just kind of happened. Took me many years (and mumsnet!) to get out of it. My husband was very similar to yours. We are separated now, no kids. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and I really hope things work out for you. Life’s too short.