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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone give me some insight into my own behavior?

53 replies

Enigmama · 02/12/2007 13:22

I used to be in a stormy relationship. I would often find myself pushing him to be violent to me - verbally goading, ranting and abusing him, standing in front of the door so he couldn't walk out on the row, until he hit me, or pushed me out the way.

In hindsight, I can see that this is because I wanted him to hit me. I felt like the argument was not resolved until he had hit me and apologised. My dad was an argumentative controlling loud and occasionally violent parent - some of the time - but when he had gone too far, my mum would step in and stop him.

My mum started to call me manipulative, and said I was winding him up on purpose to upset her, because we always got on fine when she wasn't there - but the truth is, I never ever challenged him on anything when she wasn't there .... and didn't need to, because he very rarely picked a row with me. I knew I wasn't safe from his temper when she wasn't there, and that he might overreact to something, and then be full of remorse, and I would have caused it.

When she was there, it was different. I would voice my opinions, loudly and at length, until he snapped and started roaring and breaking things. But when he had hurt me, he would feel bad, and would be made to leave me alone, and my mum would 'deal with me'.

but she wouldn't step in until he had actually hurt me, he would rant, and call me stupid, and tell me if I didn't do what he wanted he would make my life not worth living etc, and she wouldn't stop him. It was only while he was dragging me upstairs bny my hair, or trying to throw a table that she would step in.

I think she resents me for it. She does see me as a bringer of trouble.

But how can I make myself feel when and argument is resolved? I never feel like it's resolved, I can't let things drop when I am upset - even if the other person does not wish to stand on have a go made of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 13:25

And too, I resent her. I want to scream at her that her husband was behaving like a spoilt 10 year old and she made it all my fault, telling me I shouldn't make men feel guilty as it makes them angry, or I shouldn't argue with him when he's on nights, or I should just learn to shut my mouth, keep quite, stay out of the way, stop provoking him ... a lot of the time I was provoking him, but I don't know why. I seemed to enjoy watching him blow up when I knew he wouldn't be allowed to REALLY hurt me, when I knew he wanted to.

God, I am screwed up, in a hidden way

OP posts:
MAMAZONtopofsanta · 02/12/2007 13:31

this will sound odd but you need anger managment counselling.

you also need to meet a man who will never hit you, under any provocation.

i was in an abusive relationship and sometimes when he came home late and drunk i would deliberatly push the right buttons until he hit me as i knew that once he had he would go to sleep. it was teh same outocme but i just sped things up a bit.
sounds totaly barmy now but at the time it seemed totaly logical.

you need some self esteem building too. you feel that your wrong to voice your opinions and that you need putting in yoru place.
i know this will probably come across wrong as you see yourself as a strong confident person but in actuality its probably the reverse.

your own anger is such that you feel the only way to calm yourself is to be hit. a lot of self harmers feel the same way. from what you have said i think of what you do in teh same way as self harming....only via soemone else.

i think you will need some councelling to help you see things clearly and to talk through where your anger lies and how best to confront it.

but in the meantime please do not be with anyone who is willing to be wound up.

suzywong · 02/12/2007 13:31

I think you should look at the possibility of a chemincal imbalance within yourself
seriously
I used to have a terrible temper and while I didn't take things to quite the extremes of putting myself in actual physical danger, I did learn in later life that this need to ride the rollercoaster of antagonism/conflict until its precipitous and exciting/destructive conclusion was almost eradicated when I got my hormones sorted out.

best of luck

3Ddonut · 02/12/2007 13:32

Enigmama (great name!)

I'm sorry, but I don't really have any sound advice for you, it seems that your background is still dictating how you behave now, it seems deep-set and I would suggest that you may need to seek counselling to understand this fully. Good luck. Thinking of you.

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:33

You need counselling hon, - to help you move on. We can't change the past, we can only change the future. If you live in the past, as it seems like you are, that change will never come.

Anti-depressents might help too, to give you the strengh to confront the truth about your relationship with your parents, and then move on as a adult in control of your life.

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:34

I agree Suzy, this is where AD''s could help. You would feel a difference very soon if this was the case too.

suzywong · 02/12/2007 13:34

forgot to say that my mother pushed my father's buttons all his life in a simlar way, and learned that that was a badge of intimacy, I know different now, but it was very much ingrained.

so yes, go to counselling but also have a full blood test or a consulatoin with a natropath

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:36

How do you get your hormones sorted Suzy? Are you doing it clinically or altyernatively?

suzywong · 02/12/2007 13:39

it was my thyroid hormones giving me gip all my life
also a nice little 20mcgs of fluoxetine once a day has done wonders to kerb my volatility and let me cease navel-gazing aobut my temper and allow me to appreciate the scope of being on an even keel.

feckin hell, can I get up of the couch now? This is Enigmama's 50 minutes with the shrink, surely.

Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 13:40

I have had councelling, and don't (literlly) have time for it now. I have no childcare ... it did help a little, until I had it I was a ball of fury and hatred against anyone who was getting in my way, and I hated myself too, for behaving like it.

I have had antidepressents - I do suffer depression, and am not depressed right now. I know that. The antidepressants were good at shutting me up and treating the depression, made me more able to just 'let stuff go' but they don't get rid of my behavior, just mute it until I come off them.

OP posts:
MAMAZONtopofsanta · 02/12/2007 13:43

have you spokent o anyone about the possobility of a personality disorder?

don't panic as it sounds much worse than it is.

im thinking along the lines of borderline personality disorder?

maybe you could google it and see how many of the symptoms fit.

anyway....i shall put my pshyology for beginners away and let you wait someone who actually knows lol

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:47

What kind of ad's were you on Enigmama?

Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 13:48

The counceller I saw says I don't have a personality disorder.

I want to confront my dad and make him say that the way he treated me wasn't acceptable - but we get on great now and I am NOT rocking the boat. He would be upset, and that's not fair. It was 20 years ago. I need to let it go.

I want to confront my mum and make her say that I didn't deserve it and that she doesn't blame me for his temper ... but my mum doesn't respond at all well to criticism (does anyone?) and would be furious and betrayed at the very suggestion she should have done things differently.

and because I can't confront them, I want to confront everyone all the time about every unfairness.

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:49

Not sure what your options are if you are saying you cannot/won't go for a clincal opinion or counselling.

Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 13:50

I was on Fluoxetine 20mg (40 after giving birth)

I haven't been on it for a while, as I have been fairly happy and content - and I want to STAY happy and content. I don't know what I need to do to dig those sullen little hurts up though./

OP posts:
Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 13:52

Well, I did go for a clinical opinion, and her opinion was that I didn't have a personality disorder, but an untenable life situation that was making me react the way I was. I don't Can you develop a personality disorder, then?

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:53

In all fairness, you probably will never get the 'closure' you want - and even if you did I suspect it wouldn't simply be the end of it anyway.

The thing you need to deal with is the anger within yourself. Your mum and dad have made mistakes that they are probably aware of, but it sounds like you want them to take responsibilyt for ruining your life somehow. Believe me, that is never going to happen.

You need to be able to see your parents as flawed people, who maybe tried but didn't do such a good job - and then forgive them. Both.

You are carrying this around you like a bag of bricks - all you need to do is drop it.

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:56

N, if you have a PD it is probably evident from an early age and to be honest, getting a diagnosis of a PD can be more trouble than it is worth, as your treatment options become more limited and much more complicated. I wouldn't chase that.

You just need to move on, but it sounds like you need more counselling to do that. A different counsellor maybe? Anger management?

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:57

soz that was; No, if you have a PD...

Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 14:00

I do need to drop it, you are right. I can't make them do what I want them to do, I don't even have the right to bring it up with them - they DID do their best and did a good job in many ways.

OP posts:
Niecie · 02/12/2007 14:02

Just a suggestion but if you don't want to go to counselling and you feel you want to confront your parents, how about writing them a letter. Put it all down on paper, get it out in the open and get angry with the way they have treated you. Say all the things you have been dreaming of saying for all these years.

BUT don't send it. That would do more harm than good and would definitely rock the boat. Burn the letters once they are done. Getting rid of the letters is a part of the process - don't leave them festering in a drawer. Some people say that it is cathartic and that they feel much better as a result. It is a kind of closure.

Nothing to be lost by giving it a go.

purpleduck · 02/12/2007 14:03

Its because that is what feels NORMAL to you - its hardwired in you. You are just causing things to go the way you feel they SHOULD go. How are you supposed to behave in a "normal" way if you have never experienced it, and you don't know what it looks like/feels like?
Get some counselling, maybe some cognitive behavioural therapy. Go easy on yourself, you have done very well to realise that you have some part in what happens. Many people just go from guy to guy, and never sort themselves out.
Good Luck

Original poster
Enigmama · 02/12/2007 14:16

I don't want to write it down if I am wrong to say it though. I can't ever really know what happened, they both say different things, I remember things they swear just did not happen (both of them, seperately) and I don't want to write things that aren't true ... also if they aren't true why am I remembering?

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 14:34

Well people remember things diferently. After a while our childhood memories become memories of memories and we have oursel;ves edited out certain elements that can didtort our recollection of what really happened. That is not to say we repress bad memories as was thought by Freud, if anything, the evidence shows that we do anything but - and ruminate endlessly over things - as you are experiencing!

Write your letter, but keep in mind that the picture you are painting might not be accurate from your parents perspectives; that your memories aren't the definitive version of events. Then burn it, let it go. Accept the holes and disputed facts and the human fallibilites.

Acinonyx · 02/12/2007 14:38

I had a very similar family situation but the other way around and I never actually tried to provoke my mother's anger. My dad though, did tend to see me as a causing trouble as her anger tended to be directed at me - for reasons I couldn't always figure out. So when she blew up it was my fault by default.

Although I hated the anger and violence I found myself repeating the same behaviour in my relationships. I would push my first long-term bf until he lost his temper and then things would be resolved for a short time - sometimes not long at all.

Fortunately I did grow out of it after a few stormy relationships. I married late, at 35, and dh and I don't fight like that at all.

Myparents are dead now and I never had my day in court where, as I so often fantasised, I confronted them about being the scapegoat for my mother's anger, unprotected by my father. I could never face the meltdown that would probably ensue.

I've had a lot of psych interaction over the years, some of which helped, some was harmless enough. But in the end, you just have to let it go and move on. I know it's hard. I do recommend a good therapist for some of this - find someone you click with. The most important thing is to stop repeating your history.

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