Can anyone give me some insight into my own behavior?

[Enigmama]

I used to be in a stormy relationship. I would often find myself pushing him to be violent to me - verbally goading, ranting and abusing him, standing in front of the door so he couldn't walk out on the row, until he hit me, or pushed me out the way.

In hindsight, I can see that this is because I wanted him to hit me. I felt like the argument was not resolved until he had hit me and apologised. My dad was an argumentative controlling loud and occasionally violent parent - some of the time - but when he had gone too far, my mum would step in and stop him.

My mum started to call me manipulative, and said I was winding him up on purpose to upset her, because we always got on fine when she wasn't there - but the truth is, I never ever challenged him on anything when she wasn't there .... and didn't need to, because he very rarely picked a row with me. I knew I wasn't safe from his temper when she wasn't there, and that he might overreact to something, and then be full of remorse, and I would have caused it.

When she was there, it was different. I would voice my opinions, loudly and at length, until he snapped and started roaring and breaking things. But when he had hurt me, he would feel bad, and would be made to leave me alone, and my mum would 'deal with me'.

but she wouldn't step in until he had actually hurt me, he would rant, and call me stupid, and tell me if I didn't do what he wanted he would make my life not worth living etc, and she wouldn't stop him. It was only while he was dragging me upstairs bny my hair, or trying to throw a table that she would step in.

I think she resents me for it. She does see me as a bringer of trouble.

But how can I make myself feel when and argument is resolved? I never feel like it's resolved, I can't let things drop when I am upset - even if the other person does not wish to stand on have a go made of them.

Enigmama - My situation was similar to yours but my mother was the bully not my father.

I was the youngest of 3, my mother had 3 kids in a short space of time, my sister first, then my brother 18 months later, me 13 months later.

My brother only lived 1 month & my parents had no intentions of having a 3rd child but hey ho I was born 13 months later.

I can honestly say in my upbringing, I never bonded with my mother, she was a bully and quite agressive towards me verbally and physically (sometimes), especially throughout my teenage years. She always made me feel I was a waste of space & not good enough to achieve anything in life. She would always show me up in front of people especially boyfriends -it used to bug me so much.

Looking back, I know my mother suffered PND or full blown depression. She lost a child then fell pg with me, didn't bond probably (with me) lost interest etc etc, plus I know this for a fact, my mother really wanted a boy- lost a boy & then had me -I must have been a major disappointment to them.

Anyway, sorry this is long but I know how you feel. I am in my 30's now and really hate my parents and resent them for the way they treated me. My father was just a depressed person that couldn't even get out of bed in the morning (he still is). Its only since I left home and met DH that I could really see how they treated me - DH was the one that pointed it out. He also noticed how much of a bully my sister was to me and she always was as a kid. I hardly bother with her or my parents anymore.

Enigmama, have read the whole thread now, and I really have to agree with Elizabeth and Ally and others that your childhood sounds quite traumatic, and in many ways very similar to mine. My parents too used me as a scapegoat, my stepdad too was violent and my mother blamed me for it, for "winding him up", and my mother too now denies the past and says it never happened.

Your current day symptoms are evidence that it WAS that bad, and I think in protecting your parents and telling yourself to let it go, shut up about it, move on, etc you are giving yourself the old messages that your family gave you (ie shut up and stop rocking the boat). Unfotunately this will protect our parents but will not protect you.

The thread Ally linked to explains all our stories and the process many of us have gone through and how different things are for us now, but you will see by the most recent posts that many of us had the same traits as you at one time, ie the stormy relationships, need for drama etc.

"Toxic Parents" and Alice Miller's books are highly recommended.

Enigmama...another thought.

I realised at 16 that my mother had been less than nice to me. I screamed at her for 5 years, then was told I was an adult now and to behave like one by my dad (they blamed my anger on being a teenager...from 16? ). I stiffled it for the next 7 years because:

a) my mother would be devastated if she knew how she had made me suicidal
b) I needed my family to survive
c) When I raised bits and pieces of her behaviour over the years it was denied like it never happened. And I doubted my memories, and my being 'self pitying'.

I broke all contact with my mother in Feb 06. It took being heavily pg and being abused down the phone by my mother for me to do so. I realised I had to look after my baby, and then it dawned on me I had to put myself first, not my mother.

Don't keep your abuse locked up. Its hurting you. Put the blame where it belongs. With your mum and dad. I'm not saying use it to hurt them. But you need to move on with your life and their denial of the abuse is holding you back.

So...to sum up...if you want to resolve problems with men, revisit your past. No its not the easy path, but from the sounds of it you cannot carry on as you are. You had the strength to survive as a child through that abuse, you have the strength to go back and put the responsibility of the abuse back on your parents.