Falling into depression after break up

[ston]

I have made a few threads about my break up but feel I need more help.

My boyfriend of 5 years (24m) broke up with me (24f) about a month ago now. I do not feel any better.

I feel like I am actually getting worse as the more time that goes on, the more that I know we’re not getting back together and that he will have someone else.

He is liking a lot of girls pictures on Instagram, and following a lot of new ones. He is very sociable and out all the time. Fridays and Saturdays are a struggle as I know he is out at nightclubs and up until 6am. He also just got his own house and all his flatmates are single, and bring girls back all the time. I woke up at 4am this morning literally sweating. My mind won’t stop imagining things. He said to me he doesn’t have any intention of getting with anyone but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I don’t exactly think he wants a girlfriend but he will want something.

I am living in my parents house still, do go out occasionally with my friends but a lot of them are coupled up now and want houses with their boyfriends. I feel like a loser in comparison to him. I want the life he has.

I am finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning, or get the energy to do most things. What can I do please??

Also one last thing: I accidentally drunk text him last week and he was on about taking me for dinner in a few weeks and then getting a hotel together?!!? What is all this about. Does he genuinely miss me, it’s confusing. I feel I may turn up and then he will leave me in the hotel alone instead.

He is asking to meet up for a free shag, not because he wants to get back with you. He is messing with your mind, so don't allow this. Block him everywhere and get some help for your depression.

We've all been there, it's so tough!
Re wanting to meet up, yes he just wants a shag.

In terms of you feeling better, after 5 years it's going to hurt a lot if you had strong feelings for him.
Time will heal, can you try to start up your own social life again?
If you genuinely feel you have depression please go and see your GP x

This post sounds exactly like me a few years ago after an awful break up.
I know blocking him will feel like the worse thing ever right now because you still want that connection and you still want to know what he's up to, but trust me when I say it will be the best thing for you.
It always affects us girls straight away after a break up, with guys I find it takes them a lot longer to process it, and usually when you're starting to get over it/move on (not necessarily with another person) that's when the break up will hit home with the other person.
It sounds like you might need some help to just make it easier for yourself, I personally went on antidepressants and it helped me become a bit numb to it.

In years to come you'll look back and laugh at all of this and you'll be very happy in your life! You're still young, you've got your whole life to look forward to. Don't let some guy ruin your precious years!

I'm now engaged to a lovely guy, 2 beautiful DCs, my own house! Years ago I wouldn't of though this was capable!

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. I remember a break up when I was around your age, where the thought of him being out and about, having fun, maybe meeting new girls, was just so distressing. So I think I know to some extend how you feel.

It sounds like you are struggling, and may need some help. Can you devise a plan and just force yourself to follow it?

Something like:

• See GP to talk about possible depression
• Do regular exercise that you enjoy. Anything - could be a walk, run, dance around your room. Just keep doing it, even if you don't feel like it.
• Tell those around you you're struggling. Ask for their support - whether it's a supportive phone call, a girl's night in to take your mind off things, a shopping trip.
• if you can access it, talk to a therapist. This got me over my previous break up.
• Block your ex on everything - phone, social media etc.
• Do something, anything you enjoy - baking, gardening, crafting. It doesn't matter if you feel sad about your ex while you do it - just keep doing something for yourself.

I know you cannot possibly imagine this, but your older self will look back on this time and be SO grateful that you didn't end up with him. In time, he will no longer have power over you in your thoughts. This will improve - keep asking for help, keep doing things that make you feel better. You are worthy of so much love and you will be happy again. I promise.

@nottheBBCnews @nuro I know it’s bad but part of me wants to sleep with him. I miss it. But it will only feel good temporarily and then I will be more hurt I know. Also I worry we will go for dinner, he will literally sleep with me and then go home to go out with his friends. It won’t be like sleeping with him when we were actually together.

I’m going to get some help. Thank you!

I am also going through a breakup but twenty years your elder my advice is to stop following him on social networks and to be kinder to yourself. Book in and speak to the doctor. I feel the same thing with the depression looming it is not nice.

Sorry you are going through this op. We have all been there.

You need to stop checking who he is following/commenting on and what he is doing.

You really need to block him on SM and his number. He messaged you for a quick shag. Don't give him the power.

Let him get in with being single, he is entitled to that.

Rebuild yourself, you will be fine it just takes time. The Longer you spend checking up on him, the longer it'll take to get over him.

@lovelybitofsquirrell I think it’s because I’m not in the same situations he is in that I am jealous of what he is doing. He knows I don’t go out all the time to get with others, and obviously he doesn’t care if I do or he wouldn’t have ended it. My self worth is so low right now. What was so wrong with me? This man stole 5 years of my life.

I feel weak and want to meet him but I know I should not

First thing is to stop looking at his sm, treat yourself a lot if you can, going out somewhere you enjoy, get your hair done, you can focus on yourself and think about what you want in the future, when another relationship comes along, it will do, I guarantee that all the hurt will go. I know that's hard to picture now but it will get easier.
Delete him off your phone if you have to, don't contact him again, if he does then its only because he wants his ego boosting, you don't need someone that can't see your value.

My ex and I broke up a few months ago after 5 years. However, in our case it was mutual.

He did go on to meet someone else no less than 2 weeks after and had her around his child (she’s been staying at his new home whilst his daughter has been staying too) neither of them know her from Adam.

They’re gunna live life regardless and you need to as well. You need to block his number, block all forms of communication and move on. My ex is blocked on everything and I’m quite happy to never see nor hear from him again.

I appreciate that in this case it’s a completely different kettle of fish and you’re still pining for him. But try to move on and take the steps I’ve mentioned (blocking) you can do this.

Don’t get me wrong, I was sad to know he’d moved on so soon, whether our breakup was mutual, it was a smack in the face to know he’d moved on so quickly. Now, I couldn’t care less, he’s her problem. I don’t want him back, even if he was the last man on this planet. 🤣🤣

Also, don’t meet up with him. Throw on some girl power songs, do something that makes you feel good and get happy.

❤️❤️

@dontjudgeabook yes I definitely need to block him. I still haven’t done it and it’s making it harder for me. Did the antidepressants work? I can’t believe I’ve got into this state over a man who doesn’t want me.

@Bodgedboxdye would it be that bad to meet up? I want to but think it may effect me if I slept with him again. More like one last goodbye.

Rather than being like a ‘last goodbye’ I think it would leave you feeling more messed up. Hope you can find ways to move on without him, and that it’ll get less tough.

@UnsuitableHat I do too :( I’m finding it hard to let go.

He has a great life and I hate mine.

Only you can make that choice. However, it won’t be like you think it will. You’re still vulnerable and you’ll be putting yourself in a position where you think you’ll be ok but the saying goodbye will be hard, the whole meeting could be hard. You’re not gunna be able to talk about something else other than you and him. You may end up walking away feeling worse than you did. So personally, I wouldn’t.

You need a clean break.

For me, yes they worked. But everyone is different. They just helped take the edge off for me.
Like you, my ex also started going out all the time, talking to other girls etc and it made it so much worse! However once I blocked him and didn't know what he was doing, I found it easier to move on.
Maybe take up a new hobby? Or speak to your friends and let them know you're struggling, whether they have partners or not I'm sure they'd be happy to go on a girly night with you and make you realise you can enjoy yourself without him.
Just because his life 'looks' great, it doesn't mean it is! Remember it's easy to show something completely different over social media.
I got rid of all my SM and haven't been on it for years, it's so refreshing that people no longer know what I'm up to and about my life!
I'd also advise against meeting up with him. I did with my ex, slept with him, and then he continued to go on nights out etc and it just made me feel disgusting and worthless.

Does he have a great life though? All those late nights, alcohol, meaningless probably shite sex. I think he'll burn out soon and then he'll be sniffing back around you so make sure you use this time to make yourself strong enough to bat him off. He sounds like an immature twat.

GP for antidepressants, private therapy if you can afford it, self help books, exercise plan, good nutrition. This is such a tiny blip in your life. I've had 3 big relationships since the one that ended when I was your age. At the time I thought I'd die of heartbreak but now I can't even remember his last name.

I have had more than my fair share of heartbreak over the years. A month is a very short time to recover from this awful feeling.

Things that worked for me:
Blocking on all SM channels.
Staying completely no contact (seeing him again is akin to an alcoholic who has managed a month sober and then has a binge- you are back to square one.
I took up swimming, it calms the mind, it makes the body feel great and the breathing patterns help to avoid panicky feelings. And the immersion in water is akin to rebirth (for me).
Self hypnosis via free you tube channels (Paul McKenna for example) twice a day- try googling "how to get over a breakup- free hypnosis".
Getting out and about with neglected friends.
Learning something new (either evening classes or online).
Get rid of any triggers that remind you of him.

And the biggest one of all, believe us when we say IT WILL GET BETTER, YOU WILL GET OVER THIS. But if you meet up with him, you are just putting yourself out there to get hurt further and having to start your recovery all over again.

You’re starting to feel shit now because the realization has sunk in that you’re not getting back together. Look up the stages of grief. It helps you understand what is going on now in your mind. It starts with the denial phase, then comes the angry/ depression phase and eventually the phase where you accept that it’s really over. Basically you are now in the hardest part of it and I get it, it’s shit and it hurts. But I promise you it WILL be better.
You need time. In the meantime, don’t give in too much to your depression. Keep active and busy. Eat healthy. Go out with friends. Take lots of walks. If you stay in bed, you only feel more shit. Make sure you’re not alone with your thoughts. Talking from experience here.

Oh and don’t meet up with him.
Fuck him (not literally, please!) you don’t need him. He broke up with you, now he can’t have you. You’re too good to lower yourself to give time and attention to someone who couldn’t fully appreciate your worth and only wants a quick shag/ ego boost.

Repeat as a mantra

FUCK HIM, I DESERVE BETTER

Block him. You don't need to ever again learn what he is up to from Instagram or any other SM.

Delete him from your phone and SM accounts. That way he can't string you along and try and get an effort-free ONS with you. Have pride. You deserve far better than that. That message shows zero respect for you. Make it clear he might have no respect for you but you respect yourself!

When someone broke my heart at that age I used a technique from Feel the Fear self-help book and it really worked, surprisingly quickly.
Make a list of 9 areas of life - Romance is only one of them. The other could be: Family, Friends, Hobbies, Work, Community, Spirituality/Faith, Health and Fitness, Fun and Adventure etc. Work on improving and developing each of these areas of life each week. Make a small goal or two towards every one of them each week and just act on them.

If you want to go clubbing but your friends are all coupled up, a goal could be to try and meet some new people who might want to go clubbing. You could ask any single friends and suggest they each invite another single friend so there is a new crowd.

But also develop other areas of your life that have nothing to do with him. Go for a work promotion or develop a new career skill. Start a new fitness regime that makes you feel really mentally strong - weightlifting, kickboxing, bootcamps all do this. A really fun thing to do is to make a list of all the things you've ever wanted to do. Avoid the ones that are to do with being in a couple and focus on the ones that are to do with your own personal quest for adventure, experience and development. If there are countries you want to travel to, look up groups that you could join to go there. If you've always wanted to try living in a new city or country but couldn't because you were with him, you can now. If you want to train for a marathon or learn a new language or something else that is time consuming - now is the time to do it.

And raise the bar. Just decide the next man you go out with will be better looking, clever, kinder, richer, more interesting than him. The higher you raise your bar, and the more you focus on allowing your whole life to flourish, the better your chances of meeting someone worth having.

@dontjudgeabook I can’t believe I’ve got into this state over a man who doesn’t want me

Please please think of your mind and self respect here. Why would you want to sleep with him? It will send you even further backwards

@Lolabray I know it’s bad I know. I think it’s because my self esteem is so low that I want reassurance from him. And we were really sexually compatible.

I went out yesterday to a club and guys were trying it on but I just really only wanted him.

@dontjudgeabook @helentomelon the problem is I know his life is great. He has a lot and now I feel like I have nothing going for me. I’m mourning the life I would have had with him.

How long were you on anti depressants for? Can’t quite believe it’s come to that

Dear OP, you are not on your own to feel like that as it happens to the best of the best, EG, I've met men and women that bang on about how they would kick out, cut off etc etc if they ever found out their other half was cheating etc. Sadly when the time comes most end up like you.

You are not like the people I refer to but just saying it happens to most ie feels like shit when they are dumped becsue they are not ready for this.

Easier said than done, try to move on but not too quickly and my free tip is let the clown go and I'm pretty certain that in a few months time you'd see yourself as having a luck escape.

Hope it works out fr you soon