I’ve been seeing J for 14 months. I ended it on Wednesday. The first 10/11 months he was kind, affectionate, wonderful company. We were both very happy and excited about the future.
From the outset he told me he’s a loner and lives a low key life. He regularly says that nobody knows him and people think he’s weird. This worried me but our times together were wonderful. I felt cherished & loved.
Things changed a couple of months ago. A few times he told me that he’s stressed about things I’ve texted and the way I text. This shocked me.It always came out of the blue.
A couple of examples:
One time I was due to meet him for coffee but the day before I texted him: “Hey, I’ve finished the garden gazebo, weather forecast is great, instead of meeting for coffee fancy coming here & we’ll have a bbq?”
He didn’t reply. Later I texted to know if he was okay. He said no, he was very stressed, said he doesn’t appreciate people “changing plans by text at breakneck speed at the last minute.” I was totally taken aback. I mean WTF?!
Last month I was with my (adult) son when he got a message telling him he was a close contact of someone with Covid. Shortly afterwards J messaged to ask how my day was going. I replied telling him my son had to go for a Covid test as he was a close contact. The rest of that afternoon I was very busy driving my son for a test & helping him get groceries etc (he had to isolate) so I updated J a few times by text. I’d spent the afternoon with J the day before so I messaged him to say I didn’t think he had to worry about getting Covid because I’d only seen my son for a few minutes that week so it’s unlikely that I caught Covid & passed it to J (also we’re both vaccinated).
He messaged later saying that I’d caused him a lot of discomfort & stress by texting him about my son’s Covid situation rather than phoning him. I was shocked and asked if we could talk on the phone. We did. He kept talking about me stressing him and saying my messages made him uncomfortable. He said my message (and others in the past) made him feel like I’m trying to decide his fate. He said I'd crossed a line with my Covid messages and that it was inappropriate to text such things rather than phone.
He also said he had been through a very rough experience in the past with a woman who stalked him and destroyed his life (he’d already told me all about that) and said “Here I am again, on the back foot, being told what to do.”
Again, I was upset and really shocked by his (over)reaction.
After that we had minimal contact for 2 weeks till he asked me to meet for coffee. Over coffee he said that he still felt the same way about me causing him stress by the way I message. He also said I'dtransformed his life and he doesn’t want to lose me but “The pendulum had shifted. You were angry with me on the phone.” He said he didn’t like how upset and annoyed I’d been on the phone (the call when he complained about my Covid texts). I said I was hurt and shocked and upset.
We met three times since that chat. I decided to give it another go as the first 11/12 months were so amazing. But unfortunately he’s been distant each time we met.
Last Sunday he asked me to meet on Wednesday for a meal. On Monday my brother said he was doing a gig Wednesday night in a local restaurant. I thought it would be lovely to go with J.
I phoned him (being mindful of his aversion to my texts) and said there’s no pressure but would he like to go to the gig & have a meal there. He said sure.
I was excited but when he got in the car on Wednesday he immediately greeted me with “I’m so stressed.” No smile or kiss. He said his daughter needed him to drive her somewhere but he couldn’t because he was meeting me. I said it’s fine if he needed us to reschedule. He said no. We had a good evening but he was distant.
After the gig I asked him about his lack of affection and he said it will take time for our issues to work themselves out. He said he has a huge amount of stress in his life and a lot of it is because of the relationship problems.
What problems? I feel he’s creating these so-called problems. I feel he’s punishing me with his constant accusations of causing him stress & his lack of affection.
He’s always playing the victim. I’m exhausted from it.
Wednesday finished with me saying I can’t go on with the criticism, overreactions and his coldness. He just kept saying it will take time to get back to where we were. I said I won’t be contacting him anymore.
He said “So you don’t want me because I have stress in my life?” Eh no. It’s because he’s blaming me for his stress levels.
The last straw was when he said he had wanted a quiet meal that evening but I'd pressured him to go to the gig. I couldn’t believe it. I’d suggested we go and he said yes. I wasn’t pushy at all.
It’s over but my head and heart are in bits.