How to deal with imminent arrival of BIL

[tututastic]

I recently paid for an expensive (to me) experience for my family. I didn’t show off about it or anything else which could have caused bad blood. To afford it, I paid partially using vouchers. It’s an experience BIL and his family enjoy regularly, with the tab picked up by my PIL each time. I’ve never commented except positively.

The one time I took my family, an emergency happened at the venue (slightly cheaper than the one BIL usually goes to) and not only was the experience cancelled but it was pretty hellish for the kids. I went to the cheaper place as it accepts vouchers and the other doesn’t, but the overall difference in price is about 5%.

I found out from younger BIL2 that BIL told family members that I deserved to have the experience ruined for being ‘cheap’ and paying with vouchers.

BIL is very much the golden child and BiL2 told me in confidence.

I am furious. He is imminently arriving at a family holiday tomorrow and I need to know what to say.

As a bit of background, BIL is incredibly charming and a total arsewipe. Despite being a doctor he is perpetually ‘broke’. His parents subsidise his rent and leisure. An aunt covers gifts. His grandparents give him regular gifts to cover expenses. Think of the Hugh Grant character in the Undoing and you’ve got him.

Worse still, I’m very close to his lovely DW (my SIL) and his son (my DN). As BIL couldn’t afford it, in just the last 2 years I have paid for SIL and DN to join my children and I on various trips an days out, bought expensive gifts, hosted DN’s birthday parties at my expense, BIL and his entire family turn up at ours once a month (we live in a scenic location) and never contribute a penny, my DH has paid BILs exam fees when he was short, bought ‘joint’ birthday presents to which BIL did not contribute and sent them £2k when SIL confided in me that they were massively short of money (admittedly unasked). He reciprocates by buying extravagant gifts for my DC (therefore fave uncle) but nothing else.

I am just so angry. I don’t want to throw any of the financial stuff in his face as DH and I are better off and I don’t want it to look like I’m being unkind. However, I am so angry and feel that if I don’t say anything I’ll ruin the holiday by seething silently.

Stop subsidising him would be my advice. You'll probably be less resentful if you aren't participating in the family game of 'lets all fund the manchild'.

Your bil both resents you and needs you financially.
Don't seethe.
Just make new boundaries from now, immediately.

Have a lovely holiday but do not sub bil and his family ever again.
It stops now.

He is not entitled to your money.
He needs to crash financially or he will never get a grip.
See it as helping him.

Stop financially helping his family. They are grown ups and need to sort their own stuff out without relying on handouts. Id tell him that the fact you use vouchers enables you to save your actual cash and that he has benefitted from that cash many times - however, tell him now that you think about it you're better off using yours and Dh's cash for your own family from now on, so he needn't bother looking for or expect anymore handouts or days out. And knock the monthly visits on the head too - let them take a turn hosting.

If you say anything "out of the blue" you'll be the bad guy.

However, if he mentioned it again, especially in front of others, I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself saying, "Well, maybe we'd have been able to afford to pay without vouchers if we hadn't paid for xyz for you/didn't have to constantly bail you out."

But I'm hot headed and don't have to live with the consequences of the above statement.

Hi all, I appreciate the advice. I hope I’m not making excuses, I’m trying to think things out logically here.

One of the reasons we subsidise him is that we are from a culture where the eldest child (DH) is expected to be responsible for younger siblings, often paying for weddings/ expenses. No doubt this has contributed to BIL’s entitlement.

The other reason I do it is for my lovely SIL. She suffered awful PND and struggles where she lives extremely isolated, a SAHM, and given no access to finances by BiL. My heart goes out to her and when she can’t afford days out with DN or parties, whilst always helping out at my DC parties, I feel awful and help. She is very lovely and very vulnerable and has been completely drawn in by BIL.

Finally, PIL are very wealthy and will subsidise BIL forever, so unfortunately a sharp awakening is unlikely.

@Sparklfairy yes, exactly, I can’t say anything out of the blue, but he’s far too manipulative to make the comment again or openly. I’ve let many comments slide in the past but this one has touched a nerve.

The reason he was so irate about the vouchers was that he wanted me to postpone and take SIL and DN with me. PIL would have paid but I would have ended up paying for all day-to-day costs, looking after DN etc and BIL would have gone off on his own as I could keep SIL company. I refused as my vouchers could only be used at the cheaper venue.

Can you subtly bring up the experience and talk about it in front of others? See if he makes a comment?

I wouldn't normally advocate this but it sounds like by staying silent you'll feel worse. While it won't clear the air, at least you'll have said your piece.

Your BIL told you this in confidence remember, so if you must say something, tread carefully.

If he openly criticizes your holiday, reply "we would have liked a more expensive holiday, but we cant afford it as we keep bailing you out"
Or "We live within our financial limits"
Or, "At least we paid for our own holiday"
Or, " If I were you I would keep your derogatory remarks to yourself, you will need us to bail you out again soon"
Or "Dont bite the hand that feeds you"

I'd be questioning wtf a Doctor is spending his money on to the extent he's perpetually broke and needs regular bailouts/gifts/subsidising from his wider family....

As to what to say.... I'd be tempted to respond "We would be well able to afford a more expensive experience if like in your case it was being funded by PIL or if you paid back the money we've had to gift you over the years".

@tututastic in that case help sil directly and quietly.

I'd say nowt, its one of those comments that is not about the vouchers at all its about not postponing and paying full rate [ all associated costs ] for his family into the bargain. As Bridget Jones' Mother said of Julian her dalliance partner - " I actually think he may be a bit of a shit" this knobber will turn that back on you no problem, and drag the whole family in too. Leave well alone is my opinion.

Laxatives in just his meal?

Thank you all so much for the reasonable and calm advice.

@Sparklfairy good reminder about maintaining BiL2’s confidence, I would hate to throw that away

You can’t say anything at all or you will break BIL2’s confidence.

Just step back and observe his antics. Stay close to SIL.

Any if the passive aggressive approaches suggested here will just fuel family tension and make it awkward for SIL.

IF he acts anything spontaneously be honest and direct: to be fair BIL it isn’t really your business how we spend our money. The incident could have happened anywhere. Could you perhaps be kinder about it given that your DN’s were upset?’

@DeRigueurMortis fancy sports car, large house (had to bigger than ours), ‘Bitcoin portfolio’ etc

[quote Debetswell]@tututastic in that case help sil directly and quietly.[/quote]
Thank you, that’s good advice. Have to get DH on board though.

@Kernowfornia

I'd say nowt, its one of those comments that is not about the vouchers at all its about not postponing and paying full rate [ all associated costs ] for his family into the bargain. As Bridget Jones' Mother said of Julian her dalliance partner - " I actually think he may be a bit of a shit" this knobber will turn that back on you no problem, and drag the whole family in too. Leave well alone is my opinion.

Yes, I think you have it spot on. He dislikes me for not buying into his ‘good doctor’ act and not being persuaded by him. You’re probably right about letting it go.

@ShingleBeach

You can’t say anything at all or you will break BIL2’s confidence.

Just step back and observe his antics. Stay close to SIL.

Any if the passive aggressive approaches suggested here will just fuel family tension and make it awkward for SIL.

IF he acts anything spontaneously be honest and direct: to be fair BIL it isn’t really your business how we spend our money. The incident could have happened anywhere. Could you perhaps be kinder about it given that your DN’s were upset?’

When he has acted rude in front of me and others in the past, I have pulled him up calmly as you suggested, I think this is why he now speaks about me behind my back. I just really struggle to engage with his false friendliness to my face.

[quote tututastic]@DeRigueurMortis fancy sports car, large house (had to bigger than ours), ‘Bitcoin portfolio’ etc[/quote]

Well he's not broke then is he.

He's making poor financial decisions to his wife and children's detriment.

It honestly sounds a pretty messed up dynamic where everyone is enabling his selfishness.

You don't get to have a flash car and Bitcoin portfolio whilst your wife has to go cap in hand to her SIL for money.

I appreciate it's not her fault but she should have some agency in this situation to put up with his shitty behaviour or leave.

Everyone is just papering over the cracks here. Especially you and your DH.

You're denying your own family by subsiding his financial fecklessness.

I appreciate the cultural aspect but that said there has to be a level of respect that's mutually understood.

Helping a family member in need is one thing.

Subsiding a family member who has no compunction about leaving his wife and family in need so he can live beyond his means is quite another.

He needs to wind his neck in and next time he wants money be advised that his start point should be to sell his flash car and cash in his bitcoins.

Agree with @DeRigueurMortis. The underlying issue here is that your SIL is being financially abused, and that's being covered up in part because you and other family are doing things to ameliorate this. That keeps her in this position.

That’s very hard to read but might be true. SIL is in a fragile position and it’s a fair assessment that we’re all trying to prop her up. I’ve tried speaking to her gently to point out that it is unusual that she has no access to their bank accounts, is not on their tenancy or any bills etc but I think she’s not ready to process.

Obviously if my comments make things harder for her I’d rather not make any comments.

@tututastic your sil is married though so does have some protection in law.
Whether or not she ever needs to use that protection is another matter.

@tututastic

That’s very hard to read but might be true. SIL is in a fragile position and it’s a fair assessment that we’re all trying to prop her up. I’ve tried speaking to her gently to point out that it is unusual that she has no access to their bank accounts, is not on their tenancy or any bills etc but I think she’s not ready to process.

Or that she doesn't need to process it because she knows you'll all help out.

There's no incentive to change her circumstances given your facilitation of her husbands financial abuse.

It's keeping everyone trapped in the same cycle.