How to deal with imminent arrival of BIL

[tututastic]

I recently paid for an expensive (to me) experience for my family. I didn’t show off about it or anything else which could have caused bad blood. To afford it, I paid partially using vouchers. It’s an experience BIL and his family enjoy regularly, with the tab picked up by my PIL each time. I’ve never commented except positively.

The one time I took my family, an emergency happened at the venue (slightly cheaper than the one BIL usually goes to) and not only was the experience cancelled but it was pretty hellish for the kids. I went to the cheaper place as it accepts vouchers and the other doesn’t, but the overall difference in price is about 5%.

I found out from younger BIL2 that BIL told family members that I deserved to have the experience ruined for being ‘cheap’ and paying with vouchers.

BIL is very much the golden child and BiL2 told me in confidence.

I am furious. He is imminently arriving at a family holiday tomorrow and I need to know what to say.

As a bit of background, BIL is incredibly charming and a total arsewipe. Despite being a doctor he is perpetually ‘broke’. His parents subsidise his rent and leisure. An aunt covers gifts. His grandparents give him regular gifts to cover expenses. Think of the Hugh Grant character in the Undoing and you’ve got him.

Worse still, I’m very close to his lovely DW (my SIL) and his son (my DN). As BIL couldn’t afford it, in just the last 2 years I have paid for SIL and DN to join my children and I on various trips an days out, bought expensive gifts, hosted DN’s birthday parties at my expense, BIL and his entire family turn up at ours once a month (we live in a scenic location) and never contribute a penny, my DH has paid BILs exam fees when he was short, bought ‘joint’ birthday presents to which BIL did not contribute and sent them £2k when SIL confided in me that they were massively short of money (admittedly unasked). He reciprocates by buying extravagant gifts for my DC (therefore fave uncle) but nothing else.

I am just so angry. I don’t want to throw any of the financial stuff in his face as DH and I are better off and I don’t want it to look like I’m being unkind. However, I am so angry and feel that if I don’t say anything I’ll ruin the holiday by seething silently.

Surely your H being the oldest, & to whom falls the responsibility should be telling him to fund his family correctly, or if he decides to give them money he will be giving it to her

I would try and help SIL to do some qualifications (eg book-keeping) or something so she can upskill when little one goes to school. Also, maybe invite her to meet some of my friends (to widen her social circle) - if she wanted.

is not on their tenancy

OP, are they renting?

You have a dh problem

Help your sil quietly and privately

Make sure she is aware of her legal rights

Tread very carefully but stop bailing him out. He has a bigger house than you and a sports car yet is financially abusing his dw?! What a tosser. I’d feel very sorry for him. As pp said, support the wife but id be persuading your dh that he stops financially helping him out.

If he is a doctor, he has lots of money, and he is taking the peace out of all of you.
If his parents want to give him the money, fair enough as they have it.
But rest of the family, nah. Culture or not culture, you do ask family when you really need it, even if they are wealthy. Showing a bit of independance and responsibility for oneself and ones family is a must.
Is he missusing his money? Glambling, buying expensive clothes, hobbies? Too large mortgage? What does he do with his wages!?

He's abusive to his wife, and his family (including your DH) are facilitating it.

Abusers rely on silence. You know his wife doesn't have access to the family's finances, and struggles. By staying quiet, you're covering up his financial abuse.

The cultural element does make it more difficult - I'm not best placed to help with suggestions for how to tackle this, but I might start by discussing with your DH - does he see the problem, or is he blind to it?

Support your SIL in whatever way she needs. Let her know she can rely you on, and help her to see that her financial set-up isn't normal or healthy.

You obviously care a lot for your SIL and DN.

I think it's wise for you to vent here rather than to your BIL's face, that won't end well! I think what pp have said about your gifts of money enabling BIL's financial abuse of your SIL, is something to reflect on. I don't mean that you should feel bad, but give some thought about what would really help SIL and DN in ways that don't just involve giving money.

"Bitcoin portfolio" seems the bullshit ego boast of most abusive men, I am concluding.

He's financially abusing his wife, as you sadly know. I think starting a diary of all examples you see of this might be helpful. If she ever does decide to leave, an independent witness - from her dickwad H, no less - would help her, perhaps. I think talk to your husband about supporting her, and not him, in future.

He sounds bloody awful, but to you, that's annoyance level only - whereas it's her whole life. She needs to feel she has people who care and who are in her corner, I think, and credit to you for doing that.

He's financially abusing his wife, which is domestic abuse which is emotionally abusive to their DC's.

Report him to social services.

The DC's shouldn't grow up like that.

If you know he treats her like that how do you know he's not beating her behind closed doors?

@Mix56

Surely your H being the oldest, & to whom falls the responsibility should be telling him to fund his family correctly, or if he decides to give them money he will be giving it to her

@Mix56 Agreed.

In summary, OP, your in laws are a toxic family, your BIL is (at the very least, but probably not solely) financially abusing his family, and your DH may need to be pursuaded to help her out directly!?

What's the cultural expectation of how working husbands should treat their SAHP wives? Is your DH not ashamed of his brother and how he treats his SIL and DN? Does he not feel able to stand up for the "weaker" family members? (Possibly not if he is used to the family dynamic where everyone fawns over BIL the golden child regardless of his behaviour.)

I think your options are sadly quite limited without your DH on board. I would encourage him to take responsibility as the eldest for ensuring that everyone in the family is looked after - but, given that doing that will obviously rock the boat in no small way it may be a bit of a balancing act between cultural expectations and family dymanic.

No more direct help for bil, no joint presents. Help sil discretely as others say. I would consider not hosting a birthday party for dn though as that will reflect on bil surely? Say directly to bil so sil doesn’t have to tell him.

What a horrible person he is. And you must have no respect for pil either.