Tell me about your fantastic spouse

[Cantdecideaway]

So, I’ve got another thread going on this board where I’m trying to decide what to do about the future of my marriage. This post is not about that! But I’ve read so many posts on here about awful men, and my husband is the only person I’ve been with. I’m scared that what I have now is just what a long term marriage looks like and I’m wishing for something that doesn’t actually exist. I don’t want to leave and find that there’s nothing better out there anyway.

So, to give me a taste of what a positive, well balanced and happy long term relationship looks like, can you tell me about yours, if you’re in one please?

Tell me anything you like but specifically I’m interested in:

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?
Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?
Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

I really have no idea what a happy, long term relationship looks like. And I really hope I’m getting a skewed perspective on here because if all other peoples relationships are like what I read on here then I’m better off staying put!

Also I've never done a night shift with the baby on my own. He's always been up with me the whole time supporting.

He's unorganised but very stable energy and mood, but I'm hyper organised but can fluctuate with energy and motivation and so we work as a team.

He loves DD so so so much and would never hurt us or her. He is excited to come and be with her and delights in everything she does, even the massive poo nappies he finds it fantastic and hilarious. He's generally a joyful and childlike wonder person.

He also is great in bed, very giving and I always c*me first not to be crass.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?

Yes, always. We talk about work, about interesting things we’ve read, about plans for what’s coming up, about politics, etc.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?

He would be sympathetic and comforting. He’d ask if I want a solution or just want to vent. He’d pick me up from the station if necessary, cool dinner etc.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?

Not really. I understand why people sometimes need a bit of time apart to recharge, but personally I never feel the need for time away from him. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to sometimes need that alone time though.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?

Nice mix of both. We each have independent hobbies and friends we see separately, as well as those we see / do together.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

Literally never. The thing I’m more confident about than anything is that our marriage is a strong and stable foundation on which I can absolutely rely.

Better for you is out there, OP. You don’t have to settle for someone who treats you badly out of fear that it’s just what relationships are like. My husband is my best friend, my favourite person, and a joy to be with. You deserve the same.

We've never married but we've been together for 26 years.
We've had our low times but supported each other through them. He's a fantastic dad to our DD, he is always there if she needs him even though she's grown up and lives in her own place.
Sometimes we sit and chat, sometimes we sit on our phones or watch tv, there's no pressure to be totally engaged constantly. We're content and easy in each others company.
Since DD left home we've been trying to get away together once a month and have taken up a few new hobbies together.
I've loved him working from home, I get in at lunchtime and we eat together and chat till I have to go back to work.
Like PP said, if God forbid he left my life I wouldn't bother dating again, no-one could ever compare (or tolerate me)...

We’ve bee. Together 15 years and sometimes still argue about the basics (money/childcare/diy).
Yesterday he wandered into the kitchen and thrust a daily verse on his phone under my nose. It was something soppy about family love making you strong. He said, that’s like you and me, and wandered off again 🤷‍♀️
He generally isn’t soppy, we don’t do big gestures, but he regularly surprises me with new ways to show affection and love.

When I was young, someone older, in a very unhappy marriage told me I should expect the affection (flowers/valentines/surprises) to disappear after the first few years.
She was very wrong

Also, when we argue, we both apologise after-
There is a thread running atm about a couple with a long running argument, and the decision:’ who should apologise?’

We are both stubborn, and dislike apologising, but find that when one of us does, the other follows suit.

I have been with my DH for 25 years,arrived 18. We have been through some awful times, deaths of parents and younger members of our family. We've had work and money problems. We have a child with Sen. My DH used to have an awful work life balance, would barely see the children growing up as he worked 6 days a week. We have both had depression, on antidepressants due to one thing and another.

However, he is my best friend, we rarely argue, we fancy the pants off each other and although sex is not as often as it used to be, it's still great. He has looked after me when I've been ill, we can laugh and have fun, I'm not bored. We can chat about lots of different things and are usually on the same page. We can sit in comfortable silence, without worrying.
We do have disagreements, some of them big ones, but I can't imagine life without him.

I have been married before but have been with my now partner a number of years, the relationships are night and day! I'm going to put the comparison to my bad marriage with each point, maybe this will help you identify "good" and "bad" in terms of how anything compares to what you're dealing with, hoping that might help, I would have loved if someone had outlined things like this to me when I was struggling in my marriage.

• We talk all the time, we show a genuine interest in each other's day fo day lives, get excited to tell each other things about our days even if just mundane work things and generally will spark big conversations. They're also conversations full of respect and mutual appreciation, excitement for the other person/words of support etc, whatever is needed. (Ex H: I don't think either of us showed huge interest in each other's day to day, conversations particularly from his side tend to revolve about just being rude about people he'd encountered in the day, or always woe is me type things, always complaining, when I would talk he would constantly make jokes and I felt like he was also taking the Micky out of me, or he'd be on his phone always and never present)

• If I'd had a tough day, sahm mum so perhaps different to someone in a normal work environment, even though he works crazy hours in a demanding job, he'll get back and tell me to sit down and tell him about my day while he cleans up anything that needs doing, dishwasher, clean kitchen, children's toys, anything, but he does this without fail every time even if I've not had a bad day, he listens and gives advice while doing it, if I have had a bad day this really helps. He'll always clean up after meals without fail. (He wouldn't have noticed if I had a bad day, if he happened to or if I told him he'd give some kind of half advice while on his phone, he'd maybe offer to give me a foot massage later in the evening... all while allowing me to cook and clean and do everything in the house while he didn't help)

• I crave alone time because I really enjoy my own space* and am v introverted but he works long hours so that works well really. (We toxically spent pretty much every waking hour together as we owned a business, but even otherwise we spent most time together, he would do his own leisure activities like golf etc but I would have no alone time away from our children ever)*

• I feel very safe bringing up issues or discussing things, don't fear any judgement etc when issues come up, there is nothing that I could say that would worry me that he'd up and leave/cheat etc (apart from obvious things!!) (constantly we'd threaten each other about leaving when we had arguments, he had multiple emotional affairs, really malicious things went on, we always had to try and get one up on the other or have the last word, I couldn't speak freely for fear of judgement and he probably couldn't either, it was very toxic)

The relationship I have now with my partner is just so much easier and I feel like I can breathe, there is trust and respect, kindness, love, support. I never get this awful pit of my stomach feeling I always used to get with my ex h. I used to go to bed crying an awful lot and always felt lonely even when ex was right there. There is a world of difference between the relationships and also the kind of man my partner is, I never really thought men like him existed. I used to praise my ex h for doing the bare minimum

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
Yes - we have a mix of family chat (he's a very hands-on dad, so genuinely engaged with that, we have lots of silly in-jokes that can run for hours. We also discuss the news, what we're reading/watching and what we're planning to do next together for days out etc

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
He'd have dinner on the table and say he'd clear up. He'd suggest bath and early night and record anything on TV if we'd planned to watch together, bring me a cup of tea and field phone calls.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?
Absolutely! I work from home and he;s semi-retired so mooches about at home all day. Would drive me nuts not to have lots of time away from him too.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?

Mix of both. I do lots of fitness. He does none. I have lots of friends. He has very few and rarely sees them. But we have loads in common - love galleries, concerts, gigs, plays, NT houses, country walks, so we do all that together.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

Not really. It could happen to anyone but it's not something I ever think about. It's not a current threat or possibility.

I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, married for 13. It sounds incredibly cheesy but I genuinely love him more now that at the beginning.
In answer to your questions:

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together? We’ve survived 17 months of mostly lockdown together and some of it was some of my happiest memories just laying together in our garden talking and laughing. Similarly, we went on a 3 week holiday in 2018 and had a great time, there is nobody else I could be with 24/7 for 3 weeks without going mad.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
He would supply chocolate!

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them? Occasionally, but only rarely. I am an introvert, and sometimes I need space just me. It isn’t something he particularly understands but he knows to give me my space sometimes if I need it.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both? Both. He has a football season ticket and goes off with his friends. I have my own groups of friends. I’d hate to be in one of those couples who are joined at the hip, I think a mixture gives you the best of both worlds.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on) Not particularly. I trust him, and I trust me. The obvious downside of being happy is that there is always the worry that something could go wrong, but I don’t worry specifically about him leaving me.

Overall I am so glad that we met and got together. He is one of the best people I know. He is clever, loyal, hardworking, and funny. We argue but we also laugh. Neither of us is perfect (he is also bossy and sarcastic and my list of faults is lengthy) but we are perfect for each other.

Lived together 31 years (since early 20s), 2 older teenagers.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
Yes, because we share a sense of humour; we both have fairly interesting jobs; our politics/taste in music, film, books etc are intersecting but not identical; because we spend plenty of time apart, so it feels like "catching up" when we sit down for a meal together.
Note: this was very different when kids were young.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
If he's had an ok day himself he will hand me a glass of wine and listen, or encourage me to have a relaxing bath. Similar in reverse although he prefers to vent while i prefer wine and bath. Sometimes we've both had a shitty day and we're unable to support each other and we'll argue.
Note: see note above.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?
Yes, quite often. I regularly fantasise about being single and living alone in a clean quiet apartment with everything exactly how i like it to be.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?
Nice mix of both.
Note: see note above.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on.
No i did once but I haven't since about the 2nd year of co habiting.
I suspect we have both had 1 or 2 one night stands but "don't ask don't tell and deal with any guilt yourself" has worked for us.

Imo sharing values and some interests are important.
Respect is paramount- resentment and contempt are relationship killers.
And communication skills.
We had horrendous fights when kids were young - nearly split up. We both worked on ourselves and I'm glad we did.
All couples argue but the happy couples have skills that enable them to repair and reconnect. We didn't always have those, it takes work and practive.

*Practice!

I've been with my husband and for 3 years so realise that we're newbies to this but having experienced some horrendous relationships when I met my husband life sorta made sense and I finally realised what a healthy relationship should be.
Everyone loves my husband, everyone always tells me this something that never happened with my ex's . He's a very kind, open and generous person.
He's emotionally intelligent which goes a long way.
And he's incredibly good looking (which helps because I fancy him so much)

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
Yes, all the time. Both of us are talkers so we can discuss anything and everything.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
Help me like make my dinner or do little things to help or pick me up from work. Listen to me moan and have my back and suggest we go out on a date.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?
Yes. My husband is my soul mate, he's fantastic company but I like time on my own from not just him but everyone.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?
Yep, a nice mix. My husband plays lots of sport and I love him out the house. But we also love country walks together, dates, shopping etc together.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)
No, of course we argue but it's not about fundamental relationship things it's more irritations which happen in relationships.
We've had some big arguments but we always apologise and he's never once said he wants to leave me or doesn't love me.
My husband is loyal and he wouldn't cheat. I trust him with my life.

My soon to be DH is the best person I've ever met and my favourite person to spend time with by some margin. We do lots together but maintain our own interests and social lives separately too which gives us more to talk about (not that we generally run out). He makes me feel completely loved and secure and part of a team, and I've never felt as comfortable with anyone else ever. There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't be able to share with him.

I was in a similar position to you with my ex-husband; it wasn't good but I didn't know any different. I'm so thankful that we didn't drag it out any longer.

Lovely thread. Good luck finding a lovely one OP.
Been with mine 14 years, married 8.
We chat about our days, I sometimes offload to him when I'm stressed and he always listens.
He's less chatty than me but what he says is always worth waiting for. I've honed my active listening skills and once he feels confident that I want to hear his thoughts, he has plenty to say. Sometimes I feel like the couple in the film 'Up'.
He's funny and makes me laugh every day. He's an excellent mimic, and does quotes from films.
So supportive of my work and other interests. A great dad (we both have adult children from previous marriages)
After a tough day at work...he usually tried to keep it to himself when we first met, but it manifested itself as going very quiet (ex wife didn't want to know) I used to worry that I'd upset him (my own baggage from my past) so had a good chat about it. He was astonished, and said it was never, ever about me if he goes quiet, and now he'll tell me about a difficult day without expecting me to fix it.
We communicate well, though that's probably because I'm quite insistent about that ( I had psychotherapy for a couple of years due to my ex/family, before we met. Therapy is reason my ex is an ex)
No, I never worry about our relationship suddenly breaking down. I'd be so surprised if he had an affair. He says lovely things like why would, I, when I've got you!
We disagree, without arguing, occasionally.
We both enjoy time alone, and navigate this with no trouble.
We do things together ie watch tv/sit in companiable silence playing on phones or reading or doing the crossword at home, or chatting over dinner. Or out, walking, friends, family stuff.
And separately- individual hobbies too, and some separate friends. No trust issues around our friendships.
He works full time, I'm part time. I do most of the house work stuff because I like it, but he does his share.
I'd say we each give our relationship 100%. It varies based on somebody being poorly, tired, busy and the other picking up the slack. His mental health is more robust than mine (I'm more inclined to wear myself getting stressed about things) and he is my rock.
We look after each other by playing to our strengths. If we are both having a difficult day we muddle through it together and hope for better things tomorrow.
I adore him. We tell each other every day, verbally, with cuddles, with a massage sometimes, and by the little things we do for each other, and for each other's children and grandchildren.
A decent sex life and healthy respect for each other's need for space don't go amiss either.
I wish this for everyone!

My DH is my best friend.

It’s my second marriage - I stayed in an unhappy one for far far too long - and I have DC. My DH is a brilliant step dad as well as a brilliant husband and he makes my life so much easier in every way.

If I have a tough day at work, he’ll give me a cuddle soon as I come through the door and tell me to sit down and cook something for me while I tell him about my day (he gets home before me and will already have made dinner for DC bag started tidying up at home)

We spend a lot of time together and we natter away together all the time. We don’t have to do anything particularly exciting, even taking the dog for a nice walk or going out for breakfast together still feels like a treat, especially on the rare occasions where we don’t have the DC with us. I really look forward to spending time with him and we both make a conscious effort to prioritise time together if we have been busy and distracted.

Sometimes I crave alone time and so does he, we both accept when the other one needs that and give each other space, as we communicate quite well so can be honest about wanting quiet time alone, without it being taken badly.

I don’t worry too much in real life - even though DH is a bit younger than me and really very gorgeous - as I know how he feels and how good we are together but I do sometimes dream that he cheats or leaves me, and it’s horrible!

I think those are still lingering insecurities from my first marriage though as my ex wore me down so much emotionally that I still find it hard to really feel good enough sometimes and to feel that I deserve the lovely life I’ve got.

But I do! And so do you

(And by alone time, I mean I might want to go to bed really early alone with my book, or DH might want to spend an afternoon on the sofa binge watching some rubbish show that he likes.. so we just tell the other person that we want some time to do that alone. We have busy lives so it doesn’t happen a lot anyway but it’s nice to be able to ask for that space when needed. Both introverts really though!)

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?

Yep, we’ve just finished a long talk about the world and putting it to rights (or rather how to live with the fact that we can’t). We talk about the books we’re reading, the music and podcasts we’re listening to and our ever shifting interests. But we’re also quite happy to be in the same room for ages without needing to say a word. He listens as much as he speaks (I try to too, mostly).

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?

He listens but (after 20+ years) now realises I don’t always want a solution or suggestions. He recognises when I’m in offloading mode. If he’s aware it’s been a tough day, he supports in practical ways by cooking dinner and clearing up while getting me to sit and unwind. When he notices that I’m overdoing it, he’ll entice me with a cup of tea and get me to sit on the patio and natter and unwind for a bit, but is pretty chill if I’m tired, unappreciative or grumpy.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?

Funnily enough, was talking to dc about this today. Saying it’s lovely spending time with partner but never feel guilty about needing your own space. There’s nobody I can be more at being ease with than dh and I love being together but we also both find it quite normal to spend time with friends or family solo or to go off and do our own things.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)
No. If we argue there’s always the confidence that we’ll work though it together. We both come from families that argue hard and loud and made a choice not to make that our way. At an early stage we both made it clear that we wouldn’t say stuff that would deliberately wound as we were both aware some words can’t be taken back. The longer we’ve been together the better we’ve got at communicating so it doesn’t get to a crisis point. Neither of us worries much about cheating - building a good relationship takes so much time and energy that we simply couldn’t be arsed putting in the effort needed to build something like this again even if Brad and Angelina rocked up for a post-divorce quadruple.

You’re asking really good questions, op. It kind of doesn’t matter what our answers are as it shows you know what a good relationship should hold and you’ll know whether it’s currently working or not for you. Before dh, I was in enough relationships were the answers to these questions would have been very different. You deserve good things and to be with someone where the answers will be positive and supportive.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
Yes, we regularly go on road trips to his home country/others on the way and are together 24 hours a day. We get on swimmingly during this time. We also used to work together and spent our commute to and from work, sometimes lunchtimes and then the evening talking about all sorts.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?

Super supportive. If I'm home late than him I always come home to dinner almost ready and often if I've had a bad day he'll have wine in the fridge which he will pour when I'm in the shower (I shower straight from work). We don't work together any more and don't do the same jobs but he knows all about my team and job and gives great professional advice. He's my biggest cheerleader when something goes right too.
Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?

Yes. I am a very sociable introvert and need time alone. We like the same things e.g. sports and exercise but we try to do them apart. On Sundays we do the food shop and clean the house together then usually do our own thing after: me baking and painting and he plays games with his friends abroad/watches sport.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?

A bit of both tbh. We have a nice balance of spending time together and apart.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

No never. We do argue like any couple but never over stupid things and we treat each other really well. If he didn't treat me well I'd be gone and not look back so I don't worry about it at all. I totally adore him but I know my worth.

Reading these boards is really disheartening to me tbh. I've never been out with a man like the ones described here. I think I scare men like that off because I am very soft and nice (if I do say so) however don't take any shit whatsoever. I hsve friends with husbands like the ones here and I always think when they are complaining "he saw you coming".

To all the posters on this thread - I can’t thank you enough. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, you’ve helped me discover that what I’m looking for isn’t so much to ask, and I deserve a relationship like each of yours. You all sound so happy and fulfilled. It was also great to hear comparisons between previous relationships and your current one.

My current answers to my own questions:

When we’re alone together we talk about work, usually his but sometimes mine. It often turns into a monologue from him. Once that’s over, we have nothing left. Occasionally one of us brings up a news topic. We can discuss it but he gets upset if I disagree with his perspective (gently!) and says I’m trying to make him feel small. (I’m not!)

If I’d had a tough day he would listen for a time and offer advice. But after that he’d consider the matter closed and expect me to get on with dinner etc. If I still seemed upset/quiet/tired later in the evening he’d probably either act annoyed with me or has at times said outright that I should look for another job if my current job makes me unhappy enough that it impacts on my time at home.

I love being apart from my husband. I am an introvert anyway so crave time alone.

We used to spend a suffocating amount of time together. More recently we spend a good bit of time apart as well as together, set in front of a back cloth of simmering hurt and resentment from him that I don’t want him to be the centre of my world.

He would never, ever, cheat. This I know for sure. What he always wants is more time with me. He is like a limpet to my side. And he has very strong feelings on infidelity.

But, I always worry about our relationship ending. Any time we argue he’d be the first to abruptly question whether we should be together at all. It’s resulted in a lifetime of me feeling insecure in our marriage, to the extent that I’ve always been ready and prepared with a budget organised for single living, an eye on right move to make sure I could find a place to live, and a good understanding of the current position on child maintenance, benefits etc. This I’ve done to help me feel more secure or safe.

Anyway, I absolutely don’t want to bring down the positive nature of this thread so please carry on with your wonderful answers, they’ve helped me see that there is a better alternative out there and I’m sure the same for other posters in similar situations. thanks, you’ve all helped more than you could realise.

That sounds exhausting for you. Like you’re responsible for his happiness. That’s a heavy burden to bear. I really cannot cope with clingy people, it’s so off putting. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Interesting that the majority of responses are from people who are not in what I would call long term marriages.
A lot of second marriages too.
I'm married and dh is my second husband. This marriage is different to my first.
I have far more in common with my dh. We share the same political, cultural, religious and fundamental views. I think this is very important. My dh is the least misogynist man I have ever met and as a feminist I can't tell you how important that is to a truly successful relatuonship.
We are both of equal intelligence too which makes our relationship so much easier. We both 'get' things whereas in previous relationships comments I have made have been lost in my partners.
Our relationship is comfortable and easy just like the one I have with my best friend whom I've been best friends with for 40 years. That's not to say we don't still fancy the isn't a off each other.
As for alone time, yes I crave it and always have. Nothing to do with any one else I enjoy being alone at times and so does my dh.
We do most things togther, unlike in my first marriage.
We don't argue I put this down to being so alike and holding the same opinion on important issues. I know straight away what dh's view will be on important news events, sound a cheesy but it will be the same as mine.
Do I worry the relationship will suddenly end-no I trust dh, didn't trust my last partner.
Do we talk about work - yes and we both listen, neither of us bore each other just comment on funny events etc.
If either one of us is upset the other one will cuddle them and make a brew.
Dh listens to me, really listens my ex h didn't. He did that thing where you pretend to listen.
If the 2 of us dh is the more clingy and more romantic one. He was the one who wanted to get married, he is the one who buys me flowers and gifts.
He is a male version of me and I truly think that is what makes our relationship so good.
I thing the phrase opposites attract might be try but they don't survive long term relationships.

Yes we have lots to talk about, we both have grown up dc and a gc, have some separate hobbies, some friends and we like planning our next adventure or home project.
If either of us has a tough day at work the other one is very supportive and reminds the other of the fact that we're retiring really soon.
I don't really crave time apart because we spend a fair amount of time doing our own thing anyway. So on the contrary we tend to miss each other.
A mix of both, we have lots of mutual friends.
No because there's 100% trust. We both have friends of the opposite sex but they are not anything but friends, it's all very open and neither of us flirt. We're very suited and pretty laid back so arguing is extremely rare. Never ever shouted or called names.

I'll tell you what I know about a really long-term relationship: my parents, who have been married for 60 years.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?

They still have plenty to talk about. They've always enjoyed reminiscing, even when we were kids. They talk about their dc, their dgc, their cousins, their friends, domestic issues, current affairs, almost anything and everything is grist to their mill. Yet they are also, and always have been, comfortable being together without talking.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?

From their adult child's perspective, this has been the main friction point in their relationship. At the end of a difficult day or week dm would want to unburden herself whereas ddad would want some time alone to unwind. Ddad is really bad at reading the signs that dm is emotionally drained, though he notices when she is physically at the end of her tether and looks after her very carefully but in a very bossy way. He is a problem solver rather than a listener, and gets frustrated when his advice isn't taken or the other person doesn't change the situation that is causing them stress. This applied to his dc as well as dm. Once ddad understood that dm was stressed out and needed a break, he would bring her coffee, order a takeaway for supper, send us to play outside if we were being noisy.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?

No. They are comfortable being in separate parts of the house, but like knowing where the other is and often just wander by to reconnect. Ddad will say if dm is distracting him, but dm rarely feels distracted by him. When appart outside the house they regularly check in with each other. When ddad worked abroad (pre-mobiles and cheap calls) he would phone almost every day and dm would write to him almost every day.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?

A nice mix of both.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

My parents argued, but always made up. Dm felt secure in ddad's love, describes him as her rock. I don't remember atmosphere between them ever lasting long, or having to tiptoe around them because they were cross with each other. Ddad considers himself an honourable man with a standard of behaviour to uphold. And he always meets that standard - there's no hypocrisy. He is appalled by dishonesty. AFAIK dm trusts him implicitly and always has, even when he worked abroad.

Obviously what a child knows about her parents' relationship is incomplete. But dm and I talked a lot, especially as an adult when I was struggling to find a partner, and also when ddad retired and dm was finding it a challenge to readjust.

I know, I married a man with many similarities to my ddad. Not that I realised it at the time!