Tell me about your fantastic spouse

[Cantdecideaway]

So, I’ve got another thread going on this board where I’m trying to decide what to do about the future of my marriage. This post is not about that! But I’ve read so many posts on here about awful men, and my husband is the only person I’ve been with. I’m scared that what I have now is just what a long term marriage looks like and I’m wishing for something that doesn’t actually exist. I don’t want to leave and find that there’s nothing better out there anyway.

So, to give me a taste of what a positive, well balanced and happy long term relationship looks like, can you tell me about yours, if you’re in one please?

Tell me anything you like but specifically I’m interested in:

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?
Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?
Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

I really have no idea what a happy, long term relationship looks like. And I really hope I’m getting a skewed perspective on here because if all other peoples relationships are like what I read on here then I’m better off staying put!

Dh and I have been together 15 years and married for 6. We met young (16 and 19) so we sort of grew into adults together. We have a 3 year old ds so that takes up a lot of our lives!

• since having ds naturally we talk about him a lot! But we also talk about our jobs, films or books, politics, lots really. We enjoy spending time together.

• if I've had a tough day dh will take over child care (though it's very 50:50 anyway) so I can rest or nap, or he would make me carbonara (go to comfort food) or bring me a treat from the shop, or even just sit and have a cuddle whilst we watch something.

• no not really, I enjoy spending time with dh. We do have separate time in the evenings where I'll be watching something in one room and him in the other sometimes. We have individual friendship groups as well as mixed so get our own time to socialise.

• nice mix of both. Obviously we tend to do stuff with ds but we had a date day recently and went for food, cocktails then sat in a park on the grass reading books and it was so lovely.

• we dont really argue, we do bicker sometimes, mostly around whose turn it is to get up early with ds! Our relationship has been a journey though and we have argued previously, we had relationship counselling which was brilliant. We are now a solid unit and don't worry about splitting as we generally feel we are just each others person and that's that.

I hope things work out for you

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?

Sometimes, and sometimes not. It doesn't really matter, because companionable silence is also good.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?

He'd just get on with whatever needed doing, whether it was feeding children or anything else. When the evening rush was over, he might ask if I'm OK. If it's happening a lot he might eventually suggest that I need to make a change.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?

Not at all.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?

A nice mix of both. We tend to have very separate hobbies, though we do talk to each other about them and sometimes involve each other in them. We support each other in accessing their hobbies.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

In a vague sort of "I can't believe it's so easy" way. Truth is, of course, that it's not 'so easy': we've both made compromises and continue to make compromises. The grand passion and romance may have faded, but 25 years in, the love, affection, respect, companionship and commitment remain.

It can feel a bit smug to be talking about your great relationship, but seeing as you've asked (and I can also see that people who are in a bad one need to see that there is another way, plus I've been there myself so not too smug)...

I didn't realise what a truly equal relationship was before I got together with my DH. He just assumed that all the workload should be split 50/50, that honesty in all things was essential, hates game-playing. He told me, early on 'if you ever feel unsure in any way about how I feel, tell me and I'll be honest'. And he's been true to his word. But I don't need to ask because he shows me and tells me, every day, that he loves me.

We laugh loads. We talk about the big stuff - world events, politics, death - and a load of small crap.

We don't agree about everything but that's OK. We love being together and have some shared interests but we don't share all our interests. We're both OK with the other going off and doing other stuff.

It has never occurred to me that he might leave. He feels the same as me. So we can disagree in a safe space, hug it out then move on.

Neither of us is perfect, but nobody on the planet is perfect.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
*Sometimes yes, sometimes no - but I think that’s ok.
How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
*He would pour me a glass of wine and either tell me to go and nap/run a bath and he’ll sort everything out
Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?
*No. I have probably only had a handful of days/nights without him in the last 15 years
Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?
*A mixture of both but we mostly do stuff together
Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)
*Never, which may be naïve. I have felt like this in relationships before and it is horrible

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?

Yes, but we both enjoy sitting in companionable silence as well. We are readers, and it's nice to have a coffee and sit in bed with our legs touching while we quietly read. Other times we chat for hours about everything/anything.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?

Supportive. We tag team, we are attuned to each other's moods and needs and give each other space to recalibrate when needed.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them?

We're both quite introverted, so we need space anyway, so it's not personal or due to the state of our relationship, it's baked into it.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both?

It's a mixture. We don't live in each other's pockets and we encourage and support each other with separate hobbies, but we also like the same sorts of things so we do hobbies together as well (eg, she's a walker, and I dabble, so she goes more often than me, but we go together occasionally too)

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on)

I have an overactive imagination so I sometimes think about this and then get myself all worked up and upset. But I have no actual worries about our relationship ending suddenly, or being cheated on, no.

I adore my husband. He makes me a better person just by being him. He is an involved father, that's the thing that I love about him most I think. Plus we can talk about anything and everything.16 years together, 11 married. I'll be devastated if he dies before me.

We've been together for 27 years. Three kids. Married for 20 years.

He's very very laid back. We share the same sense of humour and quite often make each other laugh.
We travelled a lot together pre kids and I think that cemented out relationship
He's not particularly romantic, he's very practical, more likelt to bring me a coffee and light a fire than say he loves me
He's very kind and loves animals
I like my own company so need time away from everyone every now and again not just him
We recently went away together for the weekend no kids and really enjoyed each others company
I'm not a dramatic sort of person and nor is he
We know we'll never split up and at the risk of sounding smug we knew that after our first date

Our relationship works because both of us think:
"He/she's fucking lucky to have me!"
And visa versa.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together? Yes. We have a habit of staying up until the early hours putting the world to rights, which we always regret when we have to get up in the morning we are comfortable with silence too though.
How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)? He'd listen to my ranting, be sympathetic and offer suggestions to solve my work problems. My work days finish at 10/11pm though so there's not much he can do practically as I get home, tell him about my day then we go to bed.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them? He typically works a 50 hour week and I work part time around him (no childcare) so I'm used to plenty of time without him. When we go on holiday together we do start bickering as we're not used to spending so much time together and crave our alone time.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both? If neither of us are at work then we are together, unless one of us needs to do something that we can't take the kids to (gym, haircut etc). We don't get a lot of time together (usually one full day plus one evening per week) so we try to make the most of it. We both have our own social lives but not as active as we'd like due to work and lack of childcare.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on) No, not really. I sometimes wonder if we will still be together in 5 or 10 years and I have a plan for if we split up. But that's because I like to be realistic and prepared, there are no indications that we won't stay together. I don't worry about him cheating.

We've been together for 14 years, married for 7. We bicker sometimes and we have differences of opionion. But we treat each other with respect, have the same sense of humour and laugh together all the time. We're just happy with each other, we each make the other a happier person.

Don't get too bogged down with all the relationship problems on MN. As others have said people don't tend to ask for advice about their happy relationships. TBF I'm guilty of letting this site make me think that hardly any relationships are happy ones.

Thank you @Cantdecideaway. Weirdly I am more positive now the paralympics are on! It's amazing seeing what people can do. I really need to have a go at wheelchair rugby. It looks fun!

Just to echo a pp - yes most posts on here are about bad relationships. Nobody comes on just to say "My husband is great" so definitely you are seeing an imbalance. Only you know what to do for the best but I wouldn't stay in a relationship that was making me unhappy just because I didn't know if there was anything better out there. 💐

Oh and our kids say we have the perfect relationship which makes me feel happy as they are girls and I want them to know that they deserve a good, kind, supportive man.

Together 10, married 5. Dog, no children (yet)
Whenever he walks into a room, I'm happy. We seek each other out around the house just to see it spend time with each other. We chat about stuff with the house/garden/dog as well as work/politics/putting the world to rights/architecture/engineering...anything really. He isn't much of a talker, but I am and he's happy to chat if I bring an issue up.
Every day he impresses me with his knowledge of topics, and his ability to fix anything he touches. He's so practical!
We are just a really good pair.
Don't get me wrong, we have our moments and drive each other barmy at times. But we always always talk it out and try to come to a solution rather than just being angry at each other.
The thought of him not being next to me day in day out makes me struggle to breathe.

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together?
Yes, we have a lot of conversations about current events, but we also find one another entertaining, if I can put it like that, we do a lot of creative story making and interactions along the lines of "who's like is it anyway" type stuff, riffing off each other. They are random challenges that make us giggle as we try to respond to them.

How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)?
He's wonderful. If I am upset or angry he stops what he's doing and listens and helps if I need to problem solve it and am too overwhelmed to do it myself. We take turns looking after one another and share cooking and making drinks. When I've had the biggest upsets in my life he's been the most perfect person to help me through them.

Do you find yourself craving time apart from them? No, but we are both introverts, and being home together can often find us pottering separately on our own projects. I look forward to seeing him when I come home and I miss him if we're apart for long, say a seperate holiday or something.

Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both? As above, a mix of both. We may do something together, or apart. We're not really thinking about how much time we spend together or apart.

Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? (Eg if you argue, or do you worry about being cheated on). I don't, no. I'm sure it could happen. People on these threads are often shocked by what seemed like a good stable relationship that suddenly wasn't. But I have nothing that's worrying me. We've always been mutually respectful and open with one another. I wouldn't be anxious if he looked at my phone or computer and vice versa - I use his computer if I need to print or he might show me something on his phone. When I hear him on the phone or if he has a friend over in another room or in the garden I can hear that he references me and our relationship a lot, and I do the same in my conversations with others. It's clear to those around us that we are central to one another.

Fwiw, we've been together 15 years but we met as fully mature adults with secure jobs and financial positions. In addition to this it's important to know yourself well and what your ethics and values are before you get into a relationship, and then you need to look for a partner that shares these core values (positions on politics, religion and family are key ones). As a result of this we do not argue and our life stresses are minimal. We might get a little short with one another from time to time, but neither one of us blows it out of proportion and we let it go easily.

Hi OP, sorry you are going through a hard time. I do believe there are some lovely guys out there, my DH has some lovely friends! I met my DH in my early forties and we have been married 4 years, together 4.5 years. He is the loveliest, kindest man I have ever met. I didn’t realise men like him even existed having had previous relationships with some real shits. He is so loving, affectionate and he puts me first, and he makes me feel like the most gorgeous creature in the world 😊 we are on holiday at the moment and yesterday he tried to save a big bee that was covered in sand and couldn’t fly. His emotional intelligence is wonderful which I believe is why we get on so well. I actually think he is close to perfect to be totally honest. We occasionally disagree but never raise voices and he is always keen to resolve any issues quickly. We are going through IVF at the moment and have had lots of hurdles along the way, but DH has been his usual positive self, which has helped me immensely as I tend to be more of a catastrophiser.

I’ve answered your questions below in bold

Do you have plenty to talk about if you spent time alone together? yes, we don’t stop chatting and always have loads to talk about
How would they act if you’d had a tough/tiring day (eg at work)? he’d give me a big hug and run me a bath, make dinner and give lots of support
Do you find yourself craving time apart from them? Never, I crave time with him
Do you find your spare time is filled with things you do together, or separately, or a nice mix of both? Most of our spare time is spent together, we love each other’s company so why not, we do have friends that we see alone but often we see our friends together, we also have hobbies but again, most of those are done together
Do you worry about your relationship ending suddenly? no, I don’t worry about our relationship ending suddenly as DH makes me feel v secure

@Cantdecideaway Together for 8 and married for 2. I fancied him for a couple of years before I actually plucked up the courage to speak to him and I'm so glad I did. He's literally my best friend!

We're not perfect; we disagree, we argue. But, we can be ourselves around each other. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh. We make jokes about each other. He's honest; If an outfit makes me look ridiculous, he'll tell me so! And I do the same for him. And now he's the perfect Daddy to our baby girl.

Been with DH for 12 years now, since we were 16/17.

Of course we have fall outs but generally try to talk things through.

I still fancy him and he still fancies me despite significant (2 stone) up and down weight gain

He makes me feel beautiful after body changes after having DD last year which are making me feel less than sexy.

We can always find something to talk about if we go out for food, and he makes me ugly laugh. (I look insane when I'm full on laughing but I can't help it with some of the stuff he says/does)

Legs were aching yesterday, need to lose a couple stone, so he rubbed my veins.

I would always rather be inside with him even if we've fallen out than apart from him. I enjoy when he comes home and I miss him at work.

Spare time is a nice mix of seeing friends/hobbies separately and doing stuff as a family.

I think the only thing that would end us is if one of us were to cheat,

My DH is simply a really decent bloke. I’d grown up with a difficult relationship with my father; I subsequently went for unsuitable, damaged men. DH is kind, supportive and UNCOMPLICATED.