I just don't know where to go from here. Please help me.

[JustSoSadTonight]

I've posted before about every man I've had a relationship with commenting negatively on my looks/body once we've started dating.

I've been told that I am dating the wrong men, looking in the wrong places, need therapy, that other people haven't experienced this ever, confidence is sexy and attractive, men are just pleased to have a naked women in front of them. All of it. And none of its true.

I'm a size 12. I could lose a stone but I know from past experience that my body shape will be no different. I've got decent boobs, a waist but I have a big bum and a very small mum tum that sits on my c section scar so, whilst not big, it's unattractive. I dress to suit my shape and I look fine in clothes but not when naked. And I've had negative comments on my body from dowry man I've dated because what lies beneath isn't what they expect to see.

I recently met a man and it seemed OK. He seemed to find me attractive enough. No negative comments. I've made no negative comments about myself - I never do. I have sex with the lights on and sleep naked. We've bathed together etc.

Tonight, I was at his house with a friend of mine. She was talking abut her recent experiences on Tinder and showed us a couple of the women she is interested in. All fine. But one of them was really young, early 20s, in a bikini and she did look great. He made a couple of comments including "are there really women who look like that batting for the other side" (which I know makes him a twat but he's not said anything twatish before so it was a shock) and then he took the phone off her to scroll through her other pics and made a few "bloody hell" type comments and shook his head in a tone, I don't know really - wistful?

I didn't say anything at the time because friend was also admiring this woman.

He was really quiet. She left shortly afterwards, he remained quiet and we went to bed. This was around midnight.

I sleep naked and normally he puts his arm around me but tonight he didn't. Nor did he say goodnight nor kiss me goodnight. I got up and for the first time put a t shirt on to sleep in.

I just can't do this anymore.

It's now 4.30am. I haven't slept and I'm sitting downstairs on the sofa just crying and wondering what i can do. It's every single man, every single time.

The worst thing is that I was asked out on a date by someone else earlier this week and again today by the man who runs the local.shop who I have friendly chats with when I go in. I'm clearly not immediately unattractive either physically or personality wise but the same thing happens time amd time again.

I just want to be with someone who looks at me with love and affection rather than repulsion 😔

Obviously where I go first is to dump him for being a twat. But how can I change this experience? I can't change what I look like and even if I lost the stone, it was no different when I was a stone lighter.

My body is just disgusting.

OP it doesn't seem like you're enjoying this relationship.
You have to do the best for you.

Are you definitely sure that was the reason he was quiet? Maybe you were being quiet and he could sense you weren't in a good mood? His behaviour and comments were twattish but just because he appreciated one body doesn't mean he doesn't like yours? It's like me ogling Tom Hardy but it doesn't mean I wish my DH looked like him.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way.

You are a young, averagely sized woman and clearly you are not repulsive. You might not have a centre fold body but very few women do. I'm a 50 year old size 16 woman and don't consider myself repulsive and you are clearly much slimmer than me!

I would say that you are reading too much into this man's actions and you are projecting your own insecurities onto why he was quiet tonight when you don't know the reason. Perhaps he was just tired? The batting for the other side comment was silly and crass but given that you were all looking at this women's dating profile, I wouldn't have taken offence personally.

I would suggest either going home or going back to bed but please don't sit up crying over this. No man is worth that.

It seems you've made a leap here which might not actually be the reality. I'm not eating for sure it's not related, but there's a good chance it isn't and you're jumping to conclusions x

I'm not young. It's never been any different. I just feel old and tired of it all now.

I was in a fine mood all evening. She's my closest friend and it was great having her round.

I can't drive home now, I'm too tired for that. But I can't sleep.

I'm not crying over him. I'm crying I think because I've just lost hope.

I think he feels comfortable saying how he feels about women in front of her because she's also talking about women. He doesn't make 'blokey' comments when we're with his friends because they're all men and are being respectful in front of me. But she makes him feel the boundaries are different.

I think you might be over reacting. Why don't you speak to him?

It's not like images of scantily clad women are hard to come across- they're everywhere.

His comment was insensitive

My bf says he fancies Margot Robbie, I look nothing like her. However he looks nothing like Brad Pitt!

I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to hear it tbh. I can see what I look like. I think I've got an OK figure but men don't find my body attractive. Which is fine. I know that my worth isn't determined by whether men think I'm attractive or not but it's just hard having the same message repeated over and over again.

Your figure sounds lovely! My weight and shape fluctuates and although I've never been happy with my body (even though now I can see pics of my younger body and can see how lovely it was) my partners have all been positive (I have a big bum too and they all seem to like it).

I think you are dating the wrong guys.

That's the thing about saying I'm dating the wrong guys.

I can only date men I meet, get to know, have common interests with, have a spark with, find mutual attraction with. And yet it always goes the same way.

I'm just broken by it all.

Don't get me wrong, I'd feel like shit if my OH said something like that but I think you may be over thinking this.

Im a big size 12 now (sometimes a 14 depending on where I shop) hour glass shape, with a mum tum, c-section scar and have stretch marks a plenty and I've struggled with my body image since giving birth to my DS so I'm not going to give you the whole love your body speech but your body sounds lovely and I think you do need to work on your confidence.

Please don't take this in the wrong way, or as condescending, but I really don't think you can be in a happy relationship until you're truly happy with yourself. Maybe take some time out from dating and focus on you.

X

P.s. I find positive affirmations really help build my confidence

Thank you. I have taken time out. I've had therapy, I've used positive affirmations, exercise, overhauled my diet - my skin is great and I often get told I look younger than I am, changed my wardrobe etc.

I have long periods of being single between dating and use this time to psotiively work on myself. I think I look OK my confidence is fine. I meet someone, click with them, they ask me out. We date, all fine. Then at some point between the first time they see me naked and around the 3 month mark, the comments start.

Even the ones who claim to not care and are more interested in finding a woman whose company they enjoy, who they can have fun with, who they click with. It always goes the same way.

I just dont want to tell him.that it was what he said and behaved afterwards that upset me. I don't want to give him that power or my vulnerability. I've never spoken negatively about myself to anyone. I don't hide away. The best I can assume is that I coke across as so self assured and comfortable in my own skin that they don't realise criticising me etc will have an impact.

He's not spoken appreciatively about me at all physically. And whilst I don't need that per se, what I don't need is fornhik to say nothing to makee feel attractive while he then overtly appreciates someone else.

His silence regarding me speaks volumes.

If this sounds harsh then sorry....the problem is you! Nothing to do with your body though.
I'm 5'9 size 16/18 with most of my weight on my belly, which also has a rather lovely C section overhang. To top it off I have a really weird bulbous flabby scar on my right side from surgery as a child, add in the usual stretch marks etc and that's me
Now, if you put a picture of me side by side with say Elle Mcpherson and asked my husband who he'd want to sleep with that night I'm pretty sure Elle would be the one he chose.
My husband, early 50's, beer belly....still has hair but its grey, has bushy eyebrows and nose hair and his feet are like something out of a horror movie. Put a picture of him next to Dwayne Johnson......who would I pick do you think based on bodily attributes alone?
Just because someone else is considered attractive doesn't mean you are unattractive and to be honest this is a very extreme reaction you are having. If your stomach bothers you so much (seems to be the main focus of your dislike in your posts) have you looked into having something done about it?
You are fine as you are but it may increase your confidence....either way, I wouldn't bother with a relationship until you get a handle on why you feel like this off a throwaway comment from your OH that he's probably already forgotten about!

I don’t think you’re over reacting here at all. I don’t like that he made you feel like that. He clearly thinks he can get away with it.

I could be way off mark but I think your issue here is creating and holding boundaries. He’s not stupid, he knows that making wistful noises and behaving like that when looking at pics of scantily clad women is disrespectful, but he knows you’ll keep quiet.

If you feel that you have worked on your self love your next step is really saying no to what you won’t tolerate. I honestly believe we project how we are then treated. Put your foot down. Tell him how it made you feel, tell him to shape up or ship out that you are worthy of better.

I realised way too late really that I was conflict avoidant. I thought I was protecting myself but I was actually just setting myself up for a fall, time and time again.

Set those boundaries, you love yourself first!

I don't want to be with someone I have to explain being respectful to.

How long have these relationships lasted from beginning to end and why did they end?

How long from the first date to getting naked would you say has been average"

Each of these relationships, have you been really smitten by them and like them as a person?

Asking as it might help to unpick things.

Another poster here saying....you have made a leap that there is no evidence for. He said a silly thing. You were different, because you were upset...so he then felt awkward and acted differently. ZERO evidence that he does not like your body.

PLEASE talk to him to find out. You may very well have got this wrong...don't dump him without establishing.

The most adoring partners I ever had never said anything nice about my body. My partner of 25 years literally cannot remember my eye colour!! But he really adores me. He is just inarticulate. The nastiest men I have encountered were manipulative and showered me with very specific compliments.

See this is part of the problem. It’s not about explaining it, most people will get away with what they believe they can get away with, it’s natural human behaviour. And also what one person deems as disrespectful another is fine with as this thread shows. Problem is this is you and YOUR relationship, not theirs, he’s learning what is right/wrong for you! It’s about noticing and calling him up on it. That’s the bit you don’t want to do. You’re upset so instead of addressing it you’re on here. Demand respect, it’s that simple, enforce yourself boundaries. Call the shots, have the awkward conversations, if that doesn’t work then get out.

Unfortunately OP you are relying on happiness being sourced through the men you're dating. Everything you've said in your posts is about how these men feel, what their attitude to you is and how you need them to feel a certain way.

Ask yourself if any of those men ever agonise about how they look, what you think of them, how they make you feel.... I'd say it's a big fat Zero.

You need to shift your perspective because if you can only ever be happy based on how others see you, you're in for a long life of disappointment and dashed expectations. The only way you can be truly happy is from gaining your contentment in life from within, from yourself as a valid human being worthy of happiness.

Do you have any interests, it sounds like you are too focused on your relationship and aren't spending enough time on actually enjoying life creating your own identity, shaping your own character and relying instead on how these men see you. Worrying about images on someone's phone, and comparing yourself to those images that aren't real, they're photoshopped to 'perfection' is crazy and the pathway to misery,

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I think your perhaps looking too far into it for the moment. He hasnt actually made any negative comments on your body. I do agree that I hate the crassness of men who make comments on other woman's appearance in front of their partners, my MILs husband does it, says stuff like 'she's a bit of alright'. Whilst it's not excusable I can confirm my MIL is absolutely lovely looking and for her age her body is amazing (whilst not flawless - she's had 4 kids!).

I think the best thing to do would be to explain to him you found his comments on another woman's appearance insensitive and hurtful and ask that he doesn't do it again. If he takes it on board I'd just put it down to a one off, silly comment and move forward if your happy in the relationship otherwise.

I think your just assuming his attitude after was based on your body due to previous experience and your self esteem. He didn't actually say that. I mean surely he was aware that there were women of all ages and body types in the world prior to seeing a snap of a woman in a bikini (which can be viewed anywhere these days) before tonight so I very much doubt he's suddenly decided there are women with no flaws at all so he's ditching you in pursuit of them!?

I mean do most woman have flawless bodies? Especially following children? I came out of 2 children pretty well but no denying my tummy is more wobbly and I've had millions of stretch marks on my legs, boobs and hips since puberty. It plays a huge part in my self esteem but my husband most likely barely takes note.

You sound like your willing to throw it all away by dumping him, but you don't want to chat to him to find out his thoughts on it. It does make me wonder if then you will chalk this up as another negative experience and break up because of your appearance when actually that world just be your perception, not his!

Hope it all works out for you OP. I'm almost certain you are not unattractive when naked. Social media gives us a warped view of normal 🥴

Op sorry of I've missed this and you've answered already. You say that somewhere between seeing you naked and the 3 month mark the relationships end. Why are you making the leap that this then means it's ended because of your body? I don't know the stats but I'm sure the odds are not your favour in the early days of a relationship, so I would hazard a guess that it's purely incidental. Most people will have slept together by 3 months and most of those relationships will also come to an end. Yout body sounds exactly like mine. I'm not single but I would very much expect any man to be delighted to be getting his hands on it!