I just don't know where to go from here. Please help me.

[JustSoSadTonight]

I've posted before about every man I've had a relationship with commenting negatively on my looks/body once we've started dating.

I've been told that I am dating the wrong men, looking in the wrong places, need therapy, that other people haven't experienced this ever, confidence is sexy and attractive, men are just pleased to have a naked women in front of them. All of it. And none of its true.

I'm a size 12. I could lose a stone but I know from past experience that my body shape will be no different. I've got decent boobs, a waist but I have a big bum and a very small mum tum that sits on my c section scar so, whilst not big, it's unattractive. I dress to suit my shape and I look fine in clothes but not when naked. And I've had negative comments on my body from dowry man I've dated because what lies beneath isn't what they expect to see.

I recently met a man and it seemed OK. He seemed to find me attractive enough. No negative comments. I've made no negative comments about myself - I never do. I have sex with the lights on and sleep naked. We've bathed together etc.

Tonight, I was at his house with a friend of mine. She was talking abut her recent experiences on Tinder and showed us a couple of the women she is interested in. All fine. But one of them was really young, early 20s, in a bikini and she did look great. He made a couple of comments including "are there really women who look like that batting for the other side" (which I know makes him a twat but he's not said anything twatish before so it was a shock) and then he took the phone off her to scroll through her other pics and made a few "bloody hell" type comments and shook his head in a tone, I don't know really - wistful?

I didn't say anything at the time because friend was also admiring this woman.

He was really quiet. She left shortly afterwards, he remained quiet and we went to bed. This was around midnight.

I sleep naked and normally he puts his arm around me but tonight he didn't. Nor did he say goodnight nor kiss me goodnight. I got up and for the first time put a t shirt on to sleep in.

I just can't do this anymore.

It's now 4.30am. I haven't slept and I'm sitting downstairs on the sofa just crying and wondering what i can do. It's every single man, every single time.

The worst thing is that I was asked out on a date by someone else earlier this week and again today by the man who runs the local.shop who I have friendly chats with when I go in. I'm clearly not immediately unattractive either physically or personality wise but the same thing happens time amd time again.

I just want to be with someone who looks at me with love and affection rather than repulsion 😔

I think we are all bombarded with perfect images, or rather images of what is deemed attractive in the media. This has 12 year old's using filters, people posing provocatively on Tinder and everyone looking like a potential candidate for love island. Some men compare while never actually comparing themselves to the media image.

It's your own experience and history which has you second guessing this man but you need to ask him why was he quiet and distant and see where the discussion leads. But I do understand how miserable this makes you feel, some women have low body image and some men reinforce that and the media certainly does. Not everyone has the resilience to say fuck you I'm gorgeous and mean it.

Gosh, I think you've made a leap too.

Do you think perhaps you were quiet too, and gave off ' don't touch me' vibes?

OP, have you written about him several times, including last week? If so, he has been quite demonstrative in showing that he cares about you and your daughter, but you are convinced that he doesn’t love you.

Regarding your looks, you’ve been together a year or more, so he is obviously attracted to you. Nevertheless, his drooling over the Tinder women in front of you was appalling. If you walk away, you really should tell him how he made you feel.

@JustSoSadTonight

Thank you. I have taken time out. I've had therapy, I've used positive affirmations, exercise, overhauled my diet - my skin is great and I often get told I look younger than I am, changed my wardrobe etc.

I have long periods of being single between dating and use this time to psotiively work on myself. I think I look OK my confidence is fine. I meet someone, click with them, they ask me out. We date, all fine. Then at some point between the first time they see me naked and around the 3 month mark, the comments start.

Even the ones who claim to not care and are more interested in finding a woman whose company they enjoy, who they can have fun with, who they click with. It always goes the same way.

I just dont want to tell him.that it was what he said and behaved afterwards that upset me. I don't want to give him that power or my vulnerability. I've never spoken negatively about myself to anyone. I don't hide away. The best I can assume is that I coke across as so self assured and comfortable in my own skin that they don't realise criticising me etc will have an impact.

He's not spoken appreciatively about me at all physically. And whilst I don't need that per se, what I don't need is fornhik to say nothing to makee feel attractive while he then overtly appreciates someone else.

His silence regarding me speaks volumes.

Can you give some examples of the comments made about your body around the 3 month mark in other relationships? In this case he hasn't even made any comments about your body but you're assuming he's quiet because he doesn't like it which is a huge leap. I really think you need to talk to him.

You've asked for help here and received a lot of decent suggestions but have shot them all down.

OP did you post a few days ago that you believe that you are unlovable and that your mother told you that from a very young age?

I hate the pressure on women. I also don’t like my post baby body too much. My DH doesn’t realise this but he only really makes nice comments about certain parts of my body that he likes, the omission is upsetting. However, I know he loves me and in the nicest way he has man boobs and a beer belly. I still love him. No one is perfect. You need to allow yourself to not be perfect and be ok. Bring compassion to yourself for feeling like this.
In a relationship though you do need attraction it’s the connection to the persons being that matters not the physicality. If it’s purely physical it will be short lived.

I’m sure you know that and don’t mean to be patronising but I have to remind myself the same thing at times

If you feel like this is a cycle at least try and break it a little by talking to him about it. If it’s going to end anyway what is there to lose? He probably picked up that you weren’t happy and understandably so, so didn’t cuddle you because he knew you were pissed off. Your friend was showing off as well tbh.

This is clearly something that you carry. He was quiet, he went to bed and didn't hug you as usual. As am outsider I would guess that he has picked up on your reaction, even if you were trying to hide it.

Relationships aren't all about how our bodies look. Eventually we all get a bit older, likely a bit fatter and we all start to pick up battle scars. You don't mention at all what you think about the bodies of the men you dated...were they all perfect then?

Go easy on yourself OP x

@JustSoSadTonight

I don't want to be with someone I have to explain being respectful to.

And that's absolutely fair enough.

I personally find his comments about "batting for the other side" incredibly distasteful, and bordering on homophobic, so that would put me off wanting to be around him full stop. It makes me think that he sees women as a resource for men to access, and when women aren't attracted to men, it's some sort of "loss" for the "men's team" of which he's on. It's a revolting attitude about women.

It's interesting that you notice the 3 month mark as a consistent time for a shift in men's behaviour - apparently research shows that people can pretend/lie for a maximum of 3 months before slipping up, and then the real person starts showing. That still doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, I think it just means that men as a whole are disturbingly shallow and think of women as a resource rather than as a partner. You just need to scroll through this relationships board to see that attitude in action time and time again.

I think you are being unreasonable. Your worth does not lie in how attractive men deem your body.

My ExH used to constantly comment on my body, call me sexy etc., he was also an abusive, shallow, twat.

My very lovely and caring DP never mentions my body at all. It’s never bothered me tbh but I’ve just asked him why and he said it would be disrespectful to ‘ogle’ or judge parts of me as an object. Plus he doesn’t want me to worry if how I look changes.

Why do you place so much value on someone else ‘telling you’ how attractive you are in a relationship. Your self worth and confidence should never depend on the judgement of another.

You say that you start getting comments about 3 months in. Why don’t you wait at least 3 months before doing anything physical? That way you separate those who are actually interested in you as a person, vs those who just want company/sex. The former are much less likely to have something nasty to say, I think.

It sounds as though the problem is how you view and feel about yourself?

Your size and body sound perfectly lovely and significantly smaller than most adult women!
Two of my closest friends are way bigger than you but are full of confidence and definitely extremely attractive.

It sounds as though you need a break from relationships and need to seek help about your feelings around your own worth and body image?

You can walk away if you want OP, but I strongly advise talking to him first.
Reading your post I really don’t understand what he has done that is so wrong, you are going to dump him for it.
I think you are looking for reasons to load your insecurities on this man. You won’t be able to have a relationship with any man until you sort this out, so why not use this as an opportunity to try to get into his head and see what is there. At the very least you might educate him a bit.

I just want to be with someone who looks at me with love and affection rather than repulsion

Then leave him..seems the logical solution..

You over react to the smallest thing. Things that aren't even things and then dump men for it.
It's all in your head.

Even hot women look pretty bad naked and in bed with lights on. That's why photography has poses and photoshop. Also a lot of women sleep in lingerie and lights off to stop the beached whale look. I'm size 12 too and I definitely do. I dont think men mind either way but it makes me feel sexier.

In time when you’re old, you will look back and appreciate how lucky you were to have such a lovely body.

Nobody’s body is perfect and your extreme negativity and focus about your own is crippling you.

I think his comments were very crass and disrespectful and you should have spoken up at the time and reminded him of his manners.

By not doing that, why would he respect you?

You have made huge assumptions here. You have already decided that people go off you at a certain point, and you look for that to happen.

Yes it might have been a bit off for him to make those comments, but really not that bad. You said your friend was also making the comments so they were both agreeing.

He didn't say he doesn't fancy you. You seem to jump from 'he thinks that woman is attractive' to 'so he must think I'm ugly'. That's not how it goes. I know that I am not the most attractive person in the world, and if I was in a line-up with a bunch of women who were younger / thinner / prettier etc, the average man might pick me last. My DH is also aware there are some very beautiful people in the world. He would be lying to me if he said he thought I was actually the most beautiful person in the world, or even the most beautiful person he knows. But he loves me, and fancies me. It goes both ways.

It seems as though you have thrown away what could have been a good r'ship because he admired an attractive woman, which might be insensitive but let's face it he was responding to, and agreeing with, something your friend showed to him.

(on that note, does you friend know about your insecurity? Why did she feel the need to do that?)

There seems to be a wide range of what couples find acceptable in this regard. I know several couples who will openly discuss which celebs/people they fancy and ogle them in front of the other one. They both do it and both seem genuinely fine about their partner doing it. I imagine they must be very secure in themselves and in their relationship.

It seems that you aren't currently secure in yourself due to past experiences and you don't really have any reason to be secure in the relationship as it's quite new. So it's understandable this wouldn't sit well with you but it doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive and it may be that he's been able to make comments like that in past relationships without it being an issue.

Personally I don't want to hear about who else my dp fancies and would find it very disrespectful if he did what yours did. However, we've been together a long time and I know that he knows how I feel about those kinds of comments in front of me. Perhaps your dp still needs to learn what's acceptable in your relationship?

It’s in your head, OP - it’s all happening in your head. You get a few weeks into a relationship, start feeling emotionally vulnerable, and self-sabotage by creating hurt for yourself so you’ve got a reason to push them away before they push you away.

“He made a couple of comments including "are there really women who look like that batting for the other side" (which I know makes him a twat but he's not said anything twatish before so it was a shock) and then he took the phone off her to scroll through her other pics and made a few "bloody hell" type comments and shook his head in a tone, I don't know really - wistful?”

When I first read this for some reason I thought you meant ‘the other side’ to mean as in the other side of clothes . Now i’ve read it again I see he was being wistful (in your interpretation) because he saw a young lithe LGBT woman who is apparently not interested in men. If anything the wistful look was an indication he thinks it’s a shame such hot women are not interested in having sex with men - which is extremely sexist and buys into that stereotype that some men have of unattractive hairy feminist lesbians who are only gay because no guy wants to fuck them. At least, that’s the only way I could interpret a wistful look or being quiet and upset - nothing to do with you and your body but a lot to do with his views on lesbian women.

IF that is even true. The comment he made was shit and i’d have challenged him on it there and then and said what the hell did he mean? that women can’t be hot who are into other women?? You went immediately to your own body and you’re posting about yourself and your own fears rather than going jesus is a man who spouts these views really for me?