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Original poster

boyfriend and i rarely meet and it’s killing me

43 replies

idklolol · 27/08/2021 23:03

bare with me lol i’m new here and sorry if this seems a bit vague i was rushing with it
we’re both over 18 btw

boyfriend and i rarely meet and honestly it’s killing me, we text SO much online like basically all day we do but we rarely ever meet up irl, we don’t even live far apart, he’s from west london and i’m from east london so it’s not a trek. we’ve met once a week a few times but then it sort of delays into an every two or three weeks thing, he says he’s busy bc of family since he’s from a traditional asian family and they basically make him do everything. i’m asian too and my family were once like that but i ended up putting my foot down and saying that this isn’t my responsibility, also it’s very easy for me to lie saying that i’m going to work when i’m actually meeting up with him. it’s so weird bc before his parents were never this strict and now boom they’re making him do stuff, anyway it hurts me bc i honestly just hate texting him, am i dating my phone? no i’m dating him, so why should my phone be the MAIN communication with him, god i sound like a pain sorry, i just really need advice i feel like our relationship is sort of “ slowing down”bc of this, we haven’t even said i love you to each other yet bc we rarely see each other irl, ive spoken to him about this before but he says that there’s nothing he can do about it bc it’s do with his family, i just wish he could gain a little bit of independence lol, i just don’t know how to cope with a relationship like this, he’s such an amazing man he’s so caring but i’ve only ever seen that thru text messages, we also don’t call much bc he’s busy and his sleeping schedule is a mess, in the future it probably won’t get any better unless he moves out (realistically in 3 years time), i’m so lost on what to do about this, i feel like i’m missing out on amazing relationship stuff and super soapy romance but at the same time he’s an amazing man and losing him would be like chucking away a gem, i’m so lost

OP posts:
Comedycook · 27/08/2021 23:07

Sorry but I think you're wasting your time here Flowers

bloodywhitecat · 27/08/2021 23:09

Have you met his friends/family?

DesdemonaDryEyes · 27/08/2021 23:11

He ain’t that into you. Sorry.

SausagePourHomme · 27/08/2021 23:12

it shouldn't be this hard

Original poster
idklolol · 27/08/2021 23:13

@DesdemonaDryEyes

He ain’t that into you. Sorry.
do you think so? ive never really thought about it like that, i think he seems into me but is just super busy, i thought he wasnt into me and i confronted him and he said it was far from it
OP posts:
Original poster
idklolol · 27/08/2021 23:15

@bloodywhitecat

Have you met his friends/family?
no i havent, and i dont think so for another few years until we want to marry, i dont plan on introducing him to my family for a while, we btoh come from muslim families lol
OP posts:
Original poster
idklolol · 27/08/2021 23:16

@SausagePourHomme

it shouldn't be this hard
you're right it really shouldnt be this hard, but i dont exaclty wanna settle for a shitty boyfriend if we break up, i really like him and when we meet irl i love it a lot
OP posts:
inmyslippers · 27/08/2021 23:20

People will make time for what's important. Listen to his actions not his words

Comedycook · 27/08/2021 23:21

you're right it really shouldnt be this hard, but i dont exaclty wanna settle for a shitty boyfriend if we break up

You don't have to. There's plenty of non shitty guys around.

Pinkflipflop85 · 27/08/2021 23:22

He's just not that into you.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/08/2021 23:23

Yes, actions speak louder than words.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2021 23:27

He's not into you, he's married, or he's a man child who can't separate himself from his family. Any of these are a deal breaker. Honestly, stop wasting your time. If he really wanted to see you he would.

spotcheck · 27/08/2021 23:34

Oh, my dear.....

You don't know he's an amazing man, because you haven't spent enough time in his actual company to determine who he is.

As previous posters have said, he ISN'T making time for you, he is consistently making excuses, but is keeping you in the hook. That is not amazing behaviour.

As others have said, look at his actions, and look at the result of his actions. What you have isn't a relationship.

And no, you should never ever settle for a shitty boyfriend but a shitty boyfriend is one who doesn't make time for you.

You deserve better, because EVERYONE does.

BubbasMumma · 27/08/2021 23:39

Bless you! You sound really very young sweetheart x

Listen to this, if he loves you/likes you/wants to get to know you, he'd make time to see you. He seems like he is being controlled by his family but is this the man you see a future with? If he cannot set his priorities right today, I doubt he'd be able to stand up for you or even himself tmr.

I know it must all seem surreal because being in love or even fancying someone is an incredible feeling but if he is not making the effort to meet you, I'd have a straight up chat with him about how you feel about him, how he's making you feel and if you both want this to continue, what effort is he willing to put into this relationship.

Best of luck! Remember, do not just settle for the sake of it. Plenty other fish out there ;)

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2021 23:40

You don't know he's an amazing man, because you haven't spent enough time in his actual company to determine who he is.

This is so true, op. You don't really know this man at all. He can text anything he thinks you want to hear. He is basically a stranger to you.

PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2021 23:48

I seem to be going against the grain - i meet my boyfriend about every week, getting more like every 2 weeks as we get busier post lockdown. For now this works for us both and I quite like missing him so much in a bizarre way - I've never missed anyone before.

The key thing is, what do you want and how does he react? Do you want to make a set-in-stone weekly night when you always meet, do you want to move closer together or move in together or meet 3 x a week? Time to put your cards on the table.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/08/2021 23:51

Don't be available for long phone chats or texting - make it so if he wants to talk to you he will need to see you in person.

LaudamusTe · 28/08/2021 00:01

He's not into you and he's not being straightforward with you. Based on his response when you confronted him about it,it sounds like he is stringing you along in case he can't find someone better. You're like his backup. You deserve someone better.

PickAChew · 28/08/2021 00:03

Just let him go. Someone less unavailable will turn up.

Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 00:19

guys, i’ve seen all of your responses and thank you for ur input - i have no idea what to do, i guess i am naive and stupid since this is my first “serious” relationship, now that i think about it is a bit absurd that suddenly he doesn’t have time for me, maybe the way i worded seemed a bit mean from his side, but i just never got the hunch he was ever not into me, he seems so genuine and when we meet he seems so genuine, we click well, but him not being available to meet me is so weird but he messages me consistently every day and i feel as if his texts are genuine, i’m not very sure what to do at this moment

OP posts:
Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 00:23

@PermanentTemporary

I seem to be going against the grain - i meet my boyfriend about every week, getting more like every 2 weeks as we get busier post lockdown. For now this works for us both and I quite like missing him so much in a bizarre way - I've never missed anyone before.

The key thing is, what do you want and how does he react? Do you want to make a set-in-stone weekly night when you always meet, do you want to move closer together or move in together or meet 3 x a week? Time to put your cards on the table.

i guess i really wanted to meet once a week and he agreed and we did meet once a week for about 3 weeks and then he got busy, i wouldn’t mind the every two weeks thing if it wasn’t so early in our relationship, i really want to get to know him and fall in love but i’m not sure if he wants the same thing, i feel like if i ask then he’ll say that he’s trying and really wants to see me but he’s so busy, quiet unsure rn
OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 28/08/2021 00:39

When I was 17 I started dating a guy that was 16. He would move heaven and earth to see me. When I went to college and he was still in school at home he got a job so he could ride a train to visit me and he was only 17. And this was against his parents wishes.

I say all that to say that I don’t think this guy likes you like that. He’s concocted an excuse about his family needing him to not meet up with you very often.

You are young so you should go find someone that is free from family obligations who is willing to put in more effort to see you. And I also say this as someone who would be content seeing someone once every couple of weeks lol

Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 00:43

@sunnyzweibrucken

When I was 17 I started dating a guy that was 16. He would move heaven and earth to see me. When I went to college and he was still in school at home he got a job so he could ride a train to visit me and he was only 17. And this was against his parents wishes.

I say all that to say that I don’t think this guy likes you like that. He’s concocted an excuse about his family needing him to not meet up with you very often.

You are young so you should go find someone that is free from family obligations who is willing to put in more effort to see you. And I also say this as someone who would be content seeing someone once every couple of weeks lol

i can't help but think you're right but it's not like we NEVER meet yet it does seem like that. i have strict parents yet i've lied a lot to meet him and so has he but i don't see why he can't put his foot down with things like this
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 00:58

Stop lying to your parents... Ditch this guy, he doesn't respect you enough to even care that you're lying to your parents.

My money's on him seeing someone else, and his parents know he's seeing someone, it's just not you. You know you deserve better than this.. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 01:21

i have strict parents yet i've lied a lot to meet him and so has he but i don't see why he can't put his foot down with things like this

You're an adult, stop lying to your parents, and stop wasting time on fake, secretive relationships. There's nothing real about this.