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Original poster

boyfriend and i rarely meet and it’s killing me

43 replies

idklolol · 27/08/2021 23:03

bare with me lol i’m new here and sorry if this seems a bit vague i was rushing with it
we’re both over 18 btw

boyfriend and i rarely meet and honestly it’s killing me, we text SO much online like basically all day we do but we rarely ever meet up irl, we don’t even live far apart, he’s from west london and i’m from east london so it’s not a trek. we’ve met once a week a few times but then it sort of delays into an every two or three weeks thing, he says he’s busy bc of family since he’s from a traditional asian family and they basically make him do everything. i’m asian too and my family were once like that but i ended up putting my foot down and saying that this isn’t my responsibility, also it’s very easy for me to lie saying that i’m going to work when i’m actually meeting up with him. it’s so weird bc before his parents were never this strict and now boom they’re making him do stuff, anyway it hurts me bc i honestly just hate texting him, am i dating my phone? no i’m dating him, so why should my phone be the MAIN communication with him, god i sound like a pain sorry, i just really need advice i feel like our relationship is sort of “ slowing down”bc of this, we haven’t even said i love you to each other yet bc we rarely see each other irl, ive spoken to him about this before but he says that there’s nothing he can do about it bc it’s do with his family, i just wish he could gain a little bit of independence lol, i just don’t know how to cope with a relationship like this, he’s such an amazing man he’s so caring but i’ve only ever seen that thru text messages, we also don’t call much bc he’s busy and his sleeping schedule is a mess, in the future it probably won’t get any better unless he moves out (realistically in 3 years time), i’m so lost on what to do about this, i feel like i’m missing out on amazing relationship stuff and super soapy romance but at the same time he’s an amazing man and losing him would be like chucking away a gem, i’m so lost

OP posts:
UrbanRambler · 28/08/2021 01:59

It sounds like he's keeping you in reserve, until something better comes along. This is not a relationship.

Charley50 · 28/08/2021 02:03

@Aquamarine1029

i have strict parents yet i've lied a lot to meet him and so has he but i don't see why he can't put his foot down with things like this

You're an adult, stop lying to your parents, and stop wasting time on fake, secretive relationships. There's nothing real about this.

In some cultures women have to lie to their parents, in order to live their life the way they want to. It's not as easy as saying 'don't lie to your parents.'
ClaryFairchild · 28/08/2021 02:12

I agree with @Charley50 - it's not as simple as saying "stop lying".

But OP, at some point in your life you are going to have to make up YOUR mind about what you want, and who you want to spend the rest of your life with. My advice is to really think about it now. Are you happy to restrict yourself to only relationships approved by your parents? If not then make sure you put yourself into a position where you can be independent. Because once you do stand up for yourself, formerly easy going parents can suddenly become very strict, controlling and even emotionally abusive. I would suggest a "running away" fund so that IF you need to remove yourself from their home, you have the financial means to do so.

And do yourself a favour, when you do choose someone, make sure they are as committed to you as you are to them. That includes standing up to their family if needs be. I sadly don't think your current boyfriend is.

CorianderBee · 28/08/2021 02:27

To be honest it doesn't actually sound like you're together....

CorianderBee · 28/08/2021 02:32

Remember - if a man wants to make something work he will move heaven and earth. So he just... doesn't want to.

Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 09:24

@QueenBee52

Stop lying to your parents... Ditch this guy, he doesn't respect you enough to even care that you're lying to your parents.

My money's on him seeing someone else, and his parents know he's seeing someone, it's just not you. You know you deserve better than this.. Flowers

god who knows, maybe if i was another girl he would be more inclined to see me, maybe if i was his ex......Hmm
OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 28/08/2021 11:32

Is this a cultural thing? Have your friends experienced similar?

bluebell34567 · 28/08/2021 11:36

he seems he wants to end things.
you seem very young. you need to learn to move on.

WindRainSnowSun · 28/08/2021 11:39

He's not a gem @idklolol
He's messing you about. It's really hard to end something when you think it shows promise, but trust us older women: it doesn't get better. And while you're waiting around for him, you're not meeting someone who would better meet your needs.
There's a nice thread on this very board where people are describing their lovely husbands and partners. Have a look on there and realise what decent men there are out there, and don't accept anything less Flowers

ZenNudist · 28/08/2021 11:53

Sorry but agree it's time to end it.

Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 12:02

@bluebell34567

he seems he wants to end things. you seem very young. you need to learn to move on.
i'm not sure if i should since he still seems fine when we message, there's nothing off about his messages bc we message a lot but i just feel conflicted since he hasn't changed it's just that maybe stuff has gotten in the way but idk
OP posts:
Mabelface · 28/08/2021 12:23

Love, could it be that there's already someone lined up for him to marry? I agree with all the others that his actions are the important thing here. If he wanted to see you more, he'd make it happen. I think you can do much better.

Egghead68 · 28/08/2021 12:25

He’s not that into you and is probably seeing other people too.

Time to move on.

Comedycook · 28/08/2021 12:26

Love, could it be that there's already someone lined up for him to marry

I wondered the same actually..

Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 14:08

@Comedycook

Love, could it be that there's already someone lined up for him to marry

I wondered the same actually..

this could be true,,,, but we message on snapchat and his snapmaps is always on, which basically tells u what ur location is when you're online - and he never leaves his house so i think i'd be weird to assume that lol
OP posts:
wizzywig · 28/08/2021 14:12

Op am from a similar background. He is telling you now that his family comes ahead of you.

wizzywig · 28/08/2021 14:13

And that they'll be demanding of his time

Original poster
idklolol · 28/08/2021 14:31

@wizzywig

And that they'll be demanding of his time
so what does this mean ? should i bother with our relationship? does it get better than this when it comes to asian guys
OP posts:
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