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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There's always something wrong with DH!

43 replies

LolaRoses · 27/08/2021 22:22

Whether he's tired, achy, hurt his back, sore neck, headache, sore leg, etc etc. There's always something wrong!

He had a minor injury that he moaned about for two years just using it to get out of family time and out of doing anything. He refused to go to the doctors or take painkillers. When I eventually dragged him to the doctors he got referred for a routine op which then solved that particular ailment.

However, I naively thought he'd be better and more hands on afterwards, and of course was wrong. He's always got something or other. Always sloping off to bed at 7pm to watch TV in bed because he's ill/tired/has some injury. Every time he goes to the gym he seems to have some ailment or injury when he returns. If ever I'm unwell he quickly develops whatever symptom I have but of course, far, far worse than me!

I'm currently sitting watching TV after yet another evening solo parenting and sorting out the dogs whilst he's sloped off to bed.

He's fine for all hobbies, pub visits, seeing friends etc, then comes home hobbling or complaining.

It's honestly getting laughable now, like I feel I need a clipboard to tick off all his ailments each evening when he moans.

OP posts:
minniemouseshouses · 27/08/2021 22:54

Do you think he could be experiencing depression?

EarthSight · 27/08/2021 22:55

Is he depressed or down? This can cause aches and pains.

Do you think he could be doing this as an unhealthy way to get attention?

The fact that he seems competitive with you regarding his ailments tells me he doesn't want to empathise with you for some reason, or just can't. Either he feels like he's so much in pain that he just doesn't want to hear about other people complaining about minor things (I'm being generous there), or, it's a way for him to assert some kind of dominance over every situation he's in. In that case, he clearly would have learnt from a young age that it was an effective way to get everyone to fawn over him. As an adult, he's found it an effective way to get out of parenting and adult-ing when he's had enough of it.

Some people also enjoy being a patient/victim. It's way for them to stress how important they are to everyone around them, to trump what anyone else was feeling by declaring that they feel so much worse, have experienced so much worse.

When you empathise, you reach out to the other person and forget yourself for one second. Self-absorbed, drama-loving people who enjoy being the patient don't doing like doing this. You see, 'it's 1-2-3, back to me' kind of thinking. What they actually want to tell you, emotionally is 'Ugh. I can't be bothered listening to you right now. You talking about your problems makes me feel annoyed and anxious, because I want that top spot. I want to be the person that's most worst off here. I'm the most important here. You need to give me attention.'

I'm not sure if you can do much about that. I can imagine it can be a real kill-joy spending time with them.

EarthSight · 27/08/2021 22:56

joy-killer*

tiredanddangerous · 27/08/2021 22:57

It sounds like he's using it as an excuse to check out of house/children stuff?

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 27/08/2021 22:59

It's because he knows you will do it and therefore he can just do fun stuff he likes doing.
He is using you and is prioritising hobbies and pub over family.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 23:03

Laziness, because you let him get away with it.

Help out or fuck off. I’m sure lots of us would love to go to bed and turn over, but it’s not realistic is it... apart from your DH though.

Some people just need some tough love to pull them out a rut or they convince themselves their dying.

GarnetsandRubies · 27/08/2021 23:03

Omg my ex was like this. He was ill for 7 years solid, but they were all things that couldn't be diagnosed, but couldn't be proven to be made up either. It started with a cold and a cough, which then turned into back pain, then it was rib pain which he thought was a cracked rib. Dragged him to E&E for an xray which was all clear, but they said it could be bruised. Well that 'bruised' rib took 4 months to heal, and then it was ingrown toenails, and then it was wisdom teeth, and then it was stomach pains, then it was a bad leg, and then it was acid reflux, Etc etc etc. He was always well enough to go about his business though, just never well enough to help me with the house or DC. Or work.

Also he was never ill or injured when we met, he started with the odd ailment about 4 months in and then that was it for the next 7 years. Every single day there was something wrong. I don't think there was once I asked if him if he was OK and he said yes!

user1493494961 · 27/08/2021 23:06

I doubt he's depressed when he's in the pub or with his mates. I agree with pp, he's using you, I would have zero respect for him by now.

firecracker69 · 27/08/2021 23:06

Have you told him about how he is coming across? Is he actually aware of it?? This must be draining.

Capricornandproud · 27/08/2021 23:07

Lazy fuckeritis! Thats all this is. My ex was the same… hence the ‘ex’ bit 😂

GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 23:09

Lazy fuckeritis....haha that’s brilliant!!

😂

Icepinkeskimo · 27/08/2021 23:57

My ex was the same I had 14 years of it!

Then I had one lightbulb moment, it was when my brother and his friend visited and we were going out for a night on the town.

Ex suddenly felt "ill" (half an hour before leaving) and took to the bed as normal, my heart sunk. I carried on getting ready and he said what are you doing?!

"I'm going out!" I replied.

He said I kid you not "ohh no Ice you don't understand if I'm not going out that means your not either!"

I ignored him got ready and went out and had a great night and we returned the in the early hours the following morning.

I was done, every single time I had anything planned he would suddenly become "ill"

Three months later I walked out the house with two cats, a few bags of clothes, and the tv! (Fuck him I bought it anyway!)

Turned out he was having an affair anyway. The fall out from that was it was my "fault" as I should have been more 'caring'.

Simply I believe it's controlling behaviour on their part, and its just awful. Never mind them being depressed, you will be dealing with the aches, pains and everything else say in and day out.

layladomino · 28/08/2021 08:52

Oh this is really irritiating, I feel for you.

Have you pointed out to him that he is always well for the fun stuff but not for the responsobilities stuff? If he disagrees, point it out to him each time "so you're well enough to go to the pub? Just checking" "So you aren't well enought to do the pots? Just checking" - make a note if it will help.

If he defends it, eg 'I can't help getting an injury at the gym' / 'a night out just makes me tired the next day' then you can reasonably suggest he stops doing those things which regularly mean he isn't available for dad / husband duties. Otherwise he's putting his fun and friends above his children and home.

He is lazy. He is either lying to you to get out of family life, or has sub-consciously convinced himself that he feels unwell when anything is asked of him at home - either way it's because he is lazy and doesn't care much for family life.

This must be hard on you, as it adds to your workload, means you have no support, and tells you where your DH's priorities lie. You could be forgiven for saying this is a dealbreaker. How would he respond if you put that to him?

RLOU30 · 28/08/2021 08:58

God I feel like this at times although I always sort my 3 year old and cleaning etc and then go to bed feeling poorly in some way or other. I suffer from depression and anxiety.

TooWicked · 28/08/2021 09:06

He's fine for all hobbies, pub visits, seeing friends etc, then comes home hobbling or complaining.

Have you ever had a conversation where you actually point this out to him?

Are you just wanting a vent or some actual advice?

Because my advice would be that today when he gets up you tell him to sit down, you need to have a discussion. Then point out the above and have a “shape up, or fuck off” chat with him.

bigbaggyeyes · 28/08/2021 09:19

He could be depressed or he could be a lazy arse who's using it to get out of housework, parenting and have you run around after him all day

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/08/2021 09:25

I’m always ill too. I keep my end up though

Xiaoxiong · 28/08/2021 09:38

DH used to be a bit like this until I started whipping out my phone and videoing him. I told him I needed a record of his condition to keep track of the rate of deterioration for when I took him to A&E, so please detail all symptoms. He quickly learned I wasn't pandering to hypochondria - and of course when he genuinely is ill, he soldiers on stoically and I have to nag him to go to the GP!

vitaminC · 28/08/2021 10:09

My xh was like this too. I eventually realised he was a mummy's boy who needed mothering and was incapable of adulting.
Whenever I was ill he always had the same thing but worse, because he couldn't stand the thought of me not being available to mummy him. He would also accuse me of being lazy when I wasn't 100% available to take care of him.
Thankfully he is now my ex and I'm finally married to an adult, not a toddler!

Cocolapew · 28/08/2021 10:13

He's not depressed he's a lazy fucker.

KohlaParasanda · 28/08/2021 10:16

Does using illness behaviour as a way to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do run in his family, or was he a sickly child who got "rewarded" with extra attention or privileges? It's often something that people do because they've learned that it's effective when they were growing up, and it may get worse as he gets older if he's allowed to get away with it.

I'm sure reminding him that you can't take time off sick from being a parent is extra emotional work that you don't need, but I'd recommend finding a way to bite that particular bullet.

RantyAunty · 28/08/2021 10:24

@Capricornandproud

Lazy fuckeritis! Thats all this is. My ex was the same… hence the ‘ex’ bit 😂
Love it! Lazy fuckeritis! Grin
Supersimkin2 · 28/08/2021 10:28

Lazy. Knows he can get away with it. How much do you think he likes or respects you or his children?

bevm72yellow · 28/08/2021 10:52

If he is unable to do something physical to help with the children he should be able to do something that does not require physical effort eg homework or sitting at the playground watching them or chatting to them to maintain their attention whilst you get food prepared. That does not take much effort on his part if he has pain. It sounds like he wants your attention " is looking for an audience" because you are up to your eyes with the children.......Give "it" plenty of attention e.g. oh poor you, oh it sounds dreadful, pretend he is aged 3 ...then up the anti immediately and give him firm and powerful tasks eg dishing out food, setting the table, sweeping/hoovering whilst you offer sympathy and a sad face. If after a set period 6months/year with no change you do not need him.

GoodnightGrandma · 28/08/2021 10:56

You need to divorce him so that he has to have the kids 50% of the time, and you can sit in bed then.

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