What is the most important thing in a relationship to you?

[Glitterb]

Just as the title thread, to all you in long marriages or relationships what has been the most important thing for you about your partner?
Was it love at first sight?

For reference I am about 3 months post break up from a relationship I thought was the 'real deal' it went downhill gradually and we ended things fairly amicably and have been completely no contact since. Towards the end I didn't even like him as a person anymore he was flakey and could never make his mind up. I've realised this is not what I want or need in a partner long term.

I am 33 and do what to settle down, get married and kids etc

Good question. I think for me it's:
kindness
cares about and is good at job
makes me laugh
sensible with money and not tight
some shared interests
has good friends and gets on with family

This is just off the top of my head and very much shaped my previous relationships.

1. Teamwork, that he be a partner.
2. That we have fun together. This has to be 2 because if he weren’t a joint parent and partner this wouldn’t be enough. I wouldn’t want to have fun with him.

• Loyal
• A good father
• Helps to keep the house tidy

Honesty and respect. If you respect each other, it’s easier to talk through differences and issues and understand how you can work together as a couple.

Respect and communication. Being a team.

I can’t be in a relationship where we shout at each other and where someone is always trying to win. For us, if one person is unhappy about something then we try and fix it together. I.e ‘when you do x, I feel y’ Neither of those things are necessarily wrong per se but if one person is unhappy it has a negative effect on the relationship and we try to resolve it by looking at how we can improve the relationship.

I've never managed a successful relationship. But the things that are/would be important to me are

Honesty
Loyalty
Open communication
Emotionally available
Affectionate
Effective conflict resolution skills
Sexual compatibility
Kindness
Humility

Independence.

Ain't no way I'm giving it up for anyone. Sure I'd take a partner that I enjoy being around, but I have no need to be needed.

Come over for a bit, we'll go out, have fun.. but then you can fuck off and get on with your life whilst I get on with mine and I'll see you in a couple weeks for a movie or something.

I think it’s:
Trust
Being faithful
Sexual compatibility
Having things to talk about
Appreciating each other for who we are
Working together, especially parenting
What I appreciate about my partner:
I still fancy him!
He has always worked hard
He encourages me
He is good with the kids
He does housework
He’s interesting to talk with
If I’m honest, I would like more:
Fun - the daily grind of life is getting us down a bit
More varied, fun sex life (although generally I’d say it is good)
Planning more for the future and working towards goals (I think we are hopeless at this, both of us, but he is worse than I am!). I think this is a big problem in our marriage actually.
Definitely not looking for:
Love at first sight. That’s meaningless.

Same as some others have said:

Teamwork/Partner (especially when it comes to children)
Trustworthy
Kind
Respectful
Affectionate

1. Honesty
2. The ability to communicate their feelings
3. Good morals
4. Equality (we make a good team together)
5. Affectionate
6. Hygienic
7. Passionate about life and work (not lazy)

• Genuinely makes me belly laugh every day

• Genuinely proud of me and my achievements

• Fiercely loyal without putting me on a pedestal

• Sees us as an equal and strong team unit

Ooh warmth and sexual compatibility also v important!
What I’d like more of: sexual chemistry.

Loyalty
Trust
Cares about appearance to some extent
Great at what they do work wise
Hardworking
Non sleazy/non porn/sex obsessed
Non aggressive
Amusing
Likes a nice home
Not tight

For me, one of the most important things is having shared values. You don’t necessarily need to have the same interests but do need to want the same things out of life.

Recognising that the relationship is a partnership is also crucial. If one person puts their wants and needs above the others it just isn’t going to work.

And patience. Both of you will mess up at times, and will probably irritate the hell out of each other in various ways. You need to be able to move past the small things.

Oh don’t think I actually answered the question there did I!

Most important things for me about my partner are that he is:

• ambitious but not completely work obsessed
• patient and compassionate with me and everyone else
• trustworthy
• family oriented and sees parenting as 50:50
• fun to be around

Just as the title thread, to all you in long marriages or relationships what has been the most important thing for you about your partner?
Was it love at first sight?

Tbh, I'd imagine that 'love at first sight', despite being nonsense, is the least important thing in terms of a long term relationship.

For me it's our ability to cope when things get bad. When things are good they are amazing, but you can have that with anyone. For me it was about how does he support me when I'm sad or anxious or hurt? Can I talk to him about my problems, does he listen and care? Is he that support when I need him and does he help me become a better and stronger person? All of which he does :)

It was extremely important to me that DP is:
Financially sensible
Hardworking
Caring
Trustworthy

Its also important that we have similar interests and humour :)

It was instant for us - rarely apart since the 2nd date - 33 years ago.

Compatability overall covering:
Loyalty
Work ethic
Attraction
Shared interests
Compromise

My grandmother always said it helped if couples shared: race, religion, politics and class. The less shared, the harder it was.

Communication. I’m two years post separation and have been seeing my current DP for about four months. I’m constantly amazed by his ability to talk to me. It’s a total revelation that people can be so honest about their wants and needs - even about arguably sensitive topics like sex, money, commitment.

Communication. Being self aware.
Trust.

1. Communication
2. Equality
3. Support/ Loyalty
4. Spontaneity

I met DP when I was your age and it all came out of nowhere. We’d actually gone on a first date 5 months before getting together.. thought he was a bit funny, he did me too but nothing offensive. Never did get round to the second date as he cancelled (twice).. he really is a hopefulness organiser (now sorted, lol). I said game over at being cancelled on twice .. ffs! However, our paths kept crossing and five months later a client of mine from nowhere had mentioned him and I said yea, I know him (cringe). Client told DP, DP asked me about again..

It was love at second sight. Strangest feeling I’ve ever had romantically. We sat down, looked at each other and I just knew. He said to me months later something happened in that second too, so it wasn’t just me. Been together ever since and no, he has never cancelled on me or even been later since 😂

Hang on in there.. I’d completely given up hope when we met again .. which I’d really intended on being an F you date I.e. I’m going to look fabulous and you’ll realise what you could have had .. has ended up in living together and getting married.

I’m an enormous fan of Kahlil Gibran’s interpretation of love and partnership in his poem “On Marriage”; the idea that you can love each other in perpetuity without wanting that love to involve ownership or monogamy; to retain your independence and status as two individuals who choose to come together but have no reliance on it:

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of your be alone,
Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Love at first sight doesn't exist! You might have a strong feeling at first sight, or really, really fancy them at first sight, but I don't think you can love someone you don't know (I support however it depends how you define love).

But, even if it was a thing, it isn't remotely important when it comes to long term relationships. Having strong feelings from the start don't make it more likely the r'ship will last (in fact sometimes those are the r'ships that burn out the fastest).

It wasn't love at first sight, I didn't think I'd see him again after our first date but here we are ten years later.

Compassion. He has endless amounts of compassion for me, for others, for animals etc