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Original poster

Emotional 10yo DS -normal?

32 replies

bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 09:31

My eldest Ds is 10 and an all round gorgeous kid. He is bright and kind and enthusiastic about everything. We have been doing a lot this summer holiday but every time every trip/visit comes to an end he gets very upset- teary on and off for a few days afterwards, and really quite distressed.

For example

We went on holiday with his cousins and when they left he cried for days

We visited his aunt and uncle and when we left he cried for days

The same aunt and uncle then came to visit and when they left he cried for days

We had a few days camping with some friends and .....same pattern.

I have tried to console him by giving lots of cuddles and saying the following

It is normal to feel sad when fun things come to an end
He is very lucky to have been on so many trips this summer and ought to feel grateful
He has lots more things to look forward to
Being at home with me, his dad and his brother can be fun too and he shouldn't take that for granted.
There are nice things like coming back from camping eg nice shower and proper bed (met with derision)

I just worry I am getting this wrong as nothing seems to help and he is still inconsolable for days. Am I making it worse?

OP posts:
Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 10:41

Anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 10:42

My worry is I'm indulging him and should ignore it a bit more. But then I worry that would be heartless.

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 27/08/2021 10:47

This could be a reaction to the lockdown experience they've all been through. My Ds is same age and he's been a bit all over the place but he also has ASD.

Something that does stand out is that you are telling him he should feel grateful and should not take things for granted. Those kind of statements do not help I'm afraid. All that could achieve is to tell him his feelings are wrong.

He needs to be heard. Often we try and fix people when they're upset. Actually just listening and saying it's ok to feel sad can help. When my Ds us very upset I do try and often he then seems like a weight lifts, just having a good cry and getting his feelings out.

It's not easy though Flowers

Mumteedum · 27/08/2021 10:49

I found this an interesting read recently

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jul/24/interested-curious-how-i-learned-to-really-listen-to-people

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2021 10:53

Does he generally have trouble with change?
Or is it just when these things end?
Are things ok at home with his dad and brother?

I'd probably be inclined to try another approach if the current one is not working. It seems a bit mean to leave him to self soothe. But maybe you could try it a few times though and see if it starts to make a difference. Because the moods may be an overreaction due to the attention he knows he gets from them.

It could be that something more is going on though. Something that may require a doctors visit perhaps.

user1493494961 · 27/08/2021 10:58

Crying for days seems ott, I would change tack and ignore it.

thehairyhog · 27/08/2021 11:14

Who ignores a distressed child, what are you teaching them by doing so? Confused Just let him have his feelings, agree there is no need for you to 'solve' this for him during the moment of upset. But sounds like there's a need to go upstream and work out what he's finding so hard about this. Have you asked him separately during a calm moment?

Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 12:42

I can't ignore him when he is upset, it goes against every instinct and I wouldn't do it but I mean am I indulging him too much in the way I talk to him about it.

It does seem a little ungrateful and I am keen for him to know how lucky he is, but also I know he is genuinely upset.

Sometimes I wonder if it all stems from lockdown and the last 18m, so many plans were disrupted and he didn't see people for so long that he is worried about not seeing them again for ages.

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 27/08/2021 13:08

Does he actually know when these things are going to end, or is he feeling as though "the end" has come about out of the blue and without any warning?

Try prompting him the day before by explaining when "the end" will be and then every hour on "the end day" itself, and see how he copes.

tegannotsovegan · 27/08/2021 13:08

I don't necessarily think it's fair for you to say "you should be grateful you get to do x, y and z" because this dismisses his feelings even if you DO say "it's okay for you to feel sad when good things end."

What I would try to say instead, and this works with my very emotional 3 year old, is "I know! It's so disappointing when x person has to leave. I understand, because it's upsetting for me too. How about we try doing -insert another activity here- whenever we/x person has to leave?"

This validates his feelings and lets him know that you also feel sad when they leave - but also lets him know that other fun things can happen even when the person isn't there.

Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 13:23

Does he actually know when these things are going to end, or is he feeling as though "the end" has come about out of the blue and without any warning?

He does know because we tell him and he also asks constantly what the arrange are even though we tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 13:26

I don't necessarily think it's fair for you to say "you should be grateful you get to do x, y and z" because this dismisses his feelings even if you DO say "it's okay for you to feel sad when good things end."

I know but he can feel sad AND grateful at the same time surely? The two aren't mutually exclusive.

I really struggle with the ingratitude thing. I know that telling him he ought to feel grateful won't necessarily mean that he does. But I am a teacher in an inner city state school. I know when I return to school that there will be many many kids who will have had an awful time over the summer, and he has had a great time and yet seems to be miserable.

OP posts:
heyday · 27/08/2021 15:09

Perhaps take some photos whilst he is enjoying these different experiences and tell him, once he starts to get upset, that you can get the photos printed off and he can make a lovely scrapbook with lots of photos and little written entries which he can write to accompany the photos. He can then keep looking over it to remind him of these happy events. Perhaps he could also write a few words about how he felt to help him cope more with these intense feelings. I certainly wouldn't ignore his strong emotions but i think i would downplay them a bit by saying something like 'we had a lovely time with your cousins (or whomever) and we can arrange to see them again soon. Then quickly move on and distract him with something else.

Mumteedum · 27/08/2021 15:49

If something upsets you, do you feel grateful in that moment that you don't have it worse than others? I think you're being unfair bringing your sense of judgement about gratitude into this.

If you want to help your son , you need to recognise your irritation about gratitude is your issue separate to what's going on with him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/08/2021 16:22

I agree that the gratitude thing won't be helping. Yes he is priveleged, but at the time of upset, pointing that out is just invalidating his feelings. If you want him to appreciate his good luck (and I do think that is important) then it would be best at a time when he's not feeling sad.

If this is a new thing for him, have there been any changes in the family or routine - has he/is he about to start a new school etc? Have there been any bereavements in the wider family?

Something that occurs to me is that his sadness seems to be about other people not being around any more. Have you tried asking him gently if other people around make him feel safer/happier? I am projecting here, but it reminds me of when I was a kid and was always overjoyed to be with other people as my parents would put on a facade of niceness in front of them. We knew it couldn't last long but at least we would have a couple of hours/days of not being constantly sworn at and assaulted :( Not saying that's what's happening here but could his DB maybe be picking on him a bit, if he's older?

As I said I'm just projecting there, but questions on these lines could reveal other fears/worries/wishes which will then give you more ideas on how to deal.

I also suspect as PPs that lockdown may be a major contributor. And in fact I think we've got a mountain of mental health issues in children and teens in front of us.

coffeeisthebest · 27/08/2021 16:45

Just to say, I know it can't be easy in the moment, but I love his capacity to run with his feelings. He really is 'all in'.

Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 17:16

I do find that counting my blessings helps if I'm upset about something, actually.

I honestly don't think there would be a reason why he would feels safer when others are around, he has a good relationship with me and dh and his younger brother.

One thing I do wonder is that his cousins are a family of 4 ds and our friends we camped with have 3 dc and I think he likes the dynamic of a big group of kids and maybe he's a little jealous of people with more siblings, but he wouldn't ever say that to me and he knows I can't do much about that in our immediate family!

OP posts:
Aliceclara · 27/08/2021 18:07

Have you asked him why he feels so sad at these times?

Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 18:21

Yes, he just says he misses people and he can also get v attached to places too

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/08/2021 18:29

This might be helpful

www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/checklist-of-traits-in-highly-sensitive-children

Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 21:59

Thanks @Windmillwhirl he has some of those traits but is completely the opposite in some respects

OP posts:
Original poster
bentleydrummle · 27/08/2021 22:00

Eg he's not picky at all re food. His teachers say he is outgoing and confident rather than introverted. But some definitely apply.

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 27/08/2021 22:37

[quote Mumteedum]I found this an interesting read recently

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jul/24/interested-curious-how-i-learned-to-really-listen-to-people[/quote]
This is a brilliant article. Recently I heard the phrase be interested not interesting from a life coach and a lot of the techniques mentioned in this article he mentioned.

tegannotsovegan · 27/08/2021 22:54

@bentleydrummle

Eg he's not picky at all re food. His teachers say he is outgoing and confident rather than introverted. But some definitely apply.
@bentleydrummle

Not saying it applies to your son, but children who have sensory issues, ADHD or ASD “mask” in situations where they are not comfortable. For example, I mask really well when I’m in situations I’m uncomfortable in - my “worst” traits come out where I’m im situations where I feel safe.

So your son may be outgoing and confident at school, but how is he at home? Is he more prone to meltdowns and crying? More sensitive?

junebirthdaygirl · 28/08/2021 04:17

That book
How to listen so your child will talk and talk so your child will listen..May help with ideas on how to respond.
Could it be that he is just very tired after all the excitement and change of routine and just needs plenty of rest and no extra stimulation for a few days.?

I don't think he is being ungrateful as he is really saying that was so much fun l never want it to end.
Try not to make it a learning moment but just hear him and leave it at that until he comes back to himself.

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