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Original poster

He's swerving sex

40 replies

BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 00:43

Ive been the initiator for around a year now (20 year relationship) was getting me down, so past 2 months ive just left it, to see if hes bothered . Yup, hes not.

Im upstairs on a rare night off, he just stayed down stairs, he'll fall asleep, and come to bed early hours probably.

We go away tomorrow, so cant face a show down, and anyway, what can he say? Hes tired? Its in my head?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 27/08/2021 01:22

Could be depression, could be something else, do you have any idea?

The only true way to get to the bottom of it is by talking.

IfNot · 27/08/2021 01:31

20.years? I don’t know, because I have never had a relationship that lasted than long, but surely sex does dwindle after a number of years, and if you are over 40/45-or rather if he is because I think low sex drive actually may hit men more. I know you are probably thinking it’s you, or that he doesn’t want you, but he may just have slowed right down. Assuming no affair etc. Try and chill, do your own thing, don’t worry too much.

Guineapigbridge · 27/08/2021 01:39

Talk to him. Don't play games.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 01:40

I do think its me, yes of course.

Ive tried broaching it, lightheartedly before, he just shrugged it off.

We need to talk i know, sorry, im not sure what i was expecting from this thread Confused

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 27/08/2021 01:41

Lots of women would be relieved, frankly, if after 20 years their husbands went off sex. Careful what you wish for?

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 01:42

Hes mid forties, i never thought his sex drive would diminish!?

OP posts:
BasicDad · 27/08/2021 01:45

What was the previous 19 years like @BastardGoDarkly ?

Yes, you need to talk. But you also need to compose your thoughts before talking, so don't apologise for the thread.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 01:48

Thanks Basic ... so it was rampant 😁 then kids, then contraception, but last 8 ish years, really good, steady, solid, lovely.

Now its just different, i always have to initiate, and it seems auto pilot? I know somethings off, i just dont know what.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 27/08/2021 01:55

Mid forties is a bit young to not want sex anymore.

Look at your life. Change it. Have date nights. Make an effort to keep your relationship special. Talk.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 01:57

It is! Im 48, and honestly, cant imagine a sexless marriage!?

Im going to talk to him, as soon as i can.

OP posts:
Screwyoularry · 27/08/2021 01:59

Has there been any significant events in his life recently?. When my partner lost his dad he seemed OK day to day but it took about 2 years for our sex life to return to normal.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 02:01

He lost his Mum Jan 2020, could it be that do you think?

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 27/08/2021 02:03

Depression? tiredness? How has the covid pandemic hit him? Has it impacted his work? Is he worried about work, redundancy? Have either of you piled on the pounds during lock-down?

Doesn't sound like ED. Has he developed a secret porn habit?

Definitely talk.

Screwyoularry · 27/08/2021 02:04

Could be. Grief really affects people in different ways. It was really hard & frustrating. I felt very selfish for feeling that way. He just really lost his spark.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 02:06

No to most of that, but im not sure about porn obviously.

I only have weekends at home in the evenings, because of work, so i wouldnt know.

Ill be back to talk when ive spoke to him, its just guessing until he answers me i suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 02:07

Id never thought about it screw so its totally possible Sad

OP posts:
NCfortoday2021 · 27/08/2021 02:08

Sounds very like a secret porn habit if he is staying downstairs when you come up.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 27/08/2021 02:13

@NCfortoday2021

Sounds very like a secret porn habit if he is staying downstairs when you come up.
It does, yeah.
OP posts:
FortunesFave · 27/08/2021 02:31

I stay down when DH goes up and I don't have a secret porn habit. I do it because I like time on my own.

The death of his Mum would certainly impact him. If I were you I would initiate some non sexual contact. Mutual massage....to retain the closeness. It's a lovely way to connect. I'm 48 OP and have been with DH for 18 years...almost 19.

category12 · 27/08/2021 06:04

Could he be having an affair? Might be avoiding sex with you/coming to bed because he's hooked on someone else. Has his behaviour changed in other ways?

Could he have a medical issue?

Whinginadeville · 27/08/2021 06:14

He needs to get a full medical before you jump to conclusions. Get his prostate checked, some of the replies on this thread are awful OP Flowers. We have a very active sex life still and my dh is in his sixties the only time is dwindled crashed and died it turned out to be an enlarged prostrate he nows gets regular checks for. A lack aof sex in a previously active marriage is not something women should be grateful or relieved about what awful stereotyped twaddle.

Letthelightoflove · 27/08/2021 06:19

@Guineapigbridge

Lots of women would be relieved, frankly, if after 20 years their husbands went off sex. Careful what you wish for?
This is old-fashioned and based on the idea that those women would have putting up with a sex life they didn’t want for the previous 20 years (otherwise known as rape/ coercion). Let’s not play the outdated stereotype.
Guineapigbridge · 27/08/2021 06:20

Sorry it was me who said many women would be relieved. Yes, a stereotype, not the kindest one either. I apologise. I guess I assumed you'd be well into your fifties based on the length of time you'd been together. But even so, it's not right to assume people's motivations. My bad.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 27/08/2021 06:35

Why has there got to be a secret porn habit just because he doesn't want sex with you?

Have you both morphed into a friends type relationship without realizing? Communication is key here. You should be talking to him not asking strangers.

Is your sex life boring when you have sex ? Maybe he mentally can't bring himself to do the same routine that you can time an egg to every single time. Are you open to exploring new things to do or do you want it the same way every time?

How is your life organized otherwise? Do you cook, clean, organize, & buy what clothes you want him to wear when you go shopping? If you do you've become a mother figure. Not many men want to shag their mum so drop that game immediately.

How much time are you spending together? Lockdown has been difficult. It's tested the strongest couples, the old saying of absence makes the heart grow fonder is so true. Be unavailable a bit more. You can just grow tired of being around the same person no matter how much you love them.

Slipperfairy · 27/08/2021 06:36

Get him to see a Dr.
Could be depression, diminishing testosterone, type 2 diabetes. All of which can be treated. I wouldn't jump straight to porn. The staying late could be cos he can't sleep (diabetes again) or he's avoiding seeing you awake.

It's a difficult conversation, but you leave it, you'll end up like housemates and your self esteem will plummet.

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