He's swerving sex

[BastardGoDarkly]

Ive been the initiator for around a year now (20 year relationship) was getting me down, so past 2 months ive just left it, to see if hes bothered . Yup, hes not.

Im upstairs on a rare night off, he just stayed down stairs, he'll fall asleep, and come to bed early hours probably.

We go away tomorrow, so cant face a show down, and anyway, what can he say? Hes tired? Its in my head?

I would start by checking quietly what he is doing each evening downstairs. If it is porn, and he is choosing that over intimacy with you then relationship counselling is next, because that would be a dealbreaker for me.

As others say just ask him, almost certainly in his head, I had the same thing after my Dad died, sex was the last thing on my mind for some while, I was probably same kinda age (lateish 40’s),
Sounds like he needs some support TBH, especially if he has been the initiator for the previous 19 years.

I don't know about men (maybe could do with some Male perspective) but I would look at creating non sexual fun and intimacy to get you back together.

For me anyway, having fun together, whether it be a sport or playing board games or learning something together, brings you closer. You chat whilst you're doing it, you laugh etc. You may already do this but if that has dwindled and you're both just doing practical housework and childcare and your main way of having fun is just watching tv and eating together then I think you lose closeness.

I’m a bit similar @BastardGoDarkly
Is it just the two of you going away? If so have a nice dinner together and tell him how you feel. Is everything else ok in your relationship?
Dh and I have had a rocky patch, and other crap stuff, which I’m sure has had an effect.

Hope you get things sorted.

We've been together 30 years and have been very lucky in that we have always had an active and fulfilling sex life. I offer two lessons from my experience - don't stop having sex and talk about it. We went through a similar experience to the OP about 20 years ago when the DC were young. My DW seemed to lose interest in sex and tolerated it rather than enjoyed it. It became rather routine and I was concerned that this could be the start of a slippery slope so we went away to hotel for a night without the DC and fortunately she rediscovered her libido and has not really looked back since then.
The other key to a successful sex life is to talk about it - you need to discuss problems with sex just as you discuss problems with other aspects of your relationship, money, kids, who will cook dinner etc. We routinely discuss ours when in private - just a quick remark such as "I really enjoyed it when you did x" or "I found y a bit uncomfortable the other day" let's your DP know what you want and helps keep the spark alive.

I think the other trouble is, that we're constantly told that men want sex all the time and on here and tbh, among my friends, you see women who really aren't bothered about sex. If then, your own husband is rejecting you you tend to think wtf is wrong with me? Why isn't he pestering me for sex like all the other men appear to be doing? And that, in turn, may turn to: well if he doesn't want me, maybe someone else will.

I'm 52. My DH gave up on sex in his late 40s. Its' shit. I'm not the only one, a lot of my friends partners just wouldn't be bothered either. The idea that women stop wanting it and men are still gagging for it in middle age isn't my experience. If, however, you asked any of them about it, they'd say it was their wives fault.
He's more likely to be downstairs playing a golf game on his phone than looking at porn I suspect.

@Guineapigbridge

Lots of women would be relieved, frankly, if after 20 years their husbands went off sex. Careful what you wish for?

This is an awful comment and so old fashioned and sexist

Is he watching porn while you're in bed?

There's another thread running at the mo. No sex for a year or so but husband is managing to wank daily.

Oh im sure hes wanking, as am i

I think chocolate may have nailed it, with just slipping into functioning housemates/parents/workers.

We're going away with kids, so im just going to park it (until kids are asleep and im half pissed i suspect) for this weekend.

Thanks folks, i certainly wouldnt bw 'relieved' if this is it for our sex life, it would be a massive issue. Hoping it wont come to that though.

@Slipperfairy

I think the other trouble is, that we're constantly told that men want sex all the time and on here and tbh, among my friends, you see women who really aren't bothered about sex. If then, your own husband is rejecting you you tend to think wtf is wrong with me? Why isn't he pestering me for sex like all the other men appear to be doing? And that, in turn, may turn to: well if he doesn't want me, maybe someone else will.

This is very true, as a 50 something man my sex drive is certainly declining, it is hard (no pun intended ), to put into words, but my sex drive is like a voice in a crowded room full of other voices, as younger man that voice was loud and could drown out the other voices, but as I got older, that voice is no longer so loud and sex just seems a bit less important these days. Physically I don’t have an issues, I can still “have sex”, but I just don’t “want to have sex” as much as I used to, if that makes any sense

Talk as soon as you can. My marriage has been without any intimacy for over 12 years and I would not wish the loneliness or the sense of lost time, love and opportunity on anyone. Yes, i did broach the topic at the start and then I gave up. I should have been much more persistent.

Mid forties. His testosterone could be low. It does drop the same way women's oestrogen does in peri menopause and menopause

The other trouble is, some women actually want more sex in their 40s. It's like your ovaries' dying gasp.

Check his phone