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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so I've just split up with dh...

36 replies

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 22:17

Today. I'm gutted.
A week ago he said that he isn't sure that he's in love with me any more so after a few days apart, staying with friends, he is still as confused etc.

Anyway, as much as I want to beg him to give it a try, that I can't let him go, I have decided to move out asap and get a place with dd.
We have already sold our flat, as we had been looking for a bigger house, and that should go through in a few weeks, but I just can't bear to be left hanging on like this. I think the best thing is for me to make sure that dd and I are secure and try and get on as best we can while he takes sometime to sort his head out.

Once the sale of the flat goes through he can find himself a place to rent too.

But what I am thinking is what we should do with the money we'll make from the sale? Initially I just thought we would half it but after a bit more thought today I realised that as I will be having dd with me he should give me more as of course I will be paying more to rent a 2 bedroomed place as well as the other costs involved in having a child. But how much should I ask him for?

I won't be going down any official maintainance routes at this stage as this, at the moment, is a temporary split. There is the chance that, after some time apart, we will be able to make a go of it. Of course, I am trying to keep some perspective on the situation and have to prepare myself that this could really be over

tbh I don't know what I am asking advice on, just thinking out loud really.

OP posts:

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 22:18

waffling, sorry!

OP posts:

LadyMuck · 01/12/2007 22:21

You will need to take into account how often he will have dd to stay. In theory he will also need a 2 bed place for her to come and stay.

Given there is some cash imminently at stake I would ask for a freebie half hour with a solicitor.

PrincessSnowLife · 01/12/2007 22:21

oh no bigpants!
haven't read your whole OP, back to it in a sec, just wanted to send you a hug straight away

LadyMuck · 01/12/2007 22:22

And sorry - my first point was mind-numbingly practical. You must be gutted, and of course this is hopefully a temporary hiccup. I would really recommend counselling for you both, it can truly revive a marriage.

lilolilbethlehem · 01/12/2007 22:23

Sorry you're going through this. Not sure what to say except that there are lots of people out here ready to support you when you need it. Take care xxx

PrincessSnowLife · 01/12/2007 22:25

bigpants, seeing as he has had a difficult patch recently, do you think this is the 'real' him saying this, iykwim?

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 22:34

thanks all.

I really appreciate your support, as ever.

PGL - you know about his difficult patch? I do indeed think that you maybe right in what you are saying about this not being the real him. He has had such a difficult year and I do think that this could be a fallout from his depression and other problems that have been going on in our lives recently.
I just always thought that despite everything that life has thrown at us this year, we were rock solid. In fact I thought it was the fact that we had each other and were so strong was the only thing keeping us going.
Its been a bolt out the blue but he says that he thinks he may have felt this way since I got pg.

OP posts:

PrincessSnowLife · 01/12/2007 22:41

hmmm that must be such a massive blow to you
you must feel terrible

did he find it difficult to adjust to the pregnancy and to being a dad? does that link in to the start of his depression?

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 22:46

Ladymuck - dd is only 10m old. I didn't really think of her going to stay with him is I was worried this would be too unsettling for her. Its early days but, as things are reasonably ok between us, I had it in my mind that he could come over, say every other night and do the whole bath, bottle, bed thing... - am I being unrealistic? I just don't know what to think!
I always thought we would be a family and I can't bear the thought of him not being there - for her, and for me! He is a doting daddy and I just want her to have him in her life as much as ever!

OP posts:

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 22:49

He has suffered on and off with depression since his teens but never to the extent that he has since dd was born. Despite this, I never noticed a change in our relationship. As I said, I felt we were rock solid...
there was no indictation that he felt any different towards me

OP posts:

LadyMuck · 01/12/2007 22:55

Well, that is a bit unrealistic I'm afraid - you are assuming a life where you are both apart and neither of you meet anyone else. That may well be the case in the short term, but not in the longer term. Most separations end in divorce, so I really would caution you to seek counselling asap to work things out. Even if you do decide that you don't want to work at the marriage then you do need to agree on contact etc.

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 23:01

don't think i can stay on, talking about it is just making me too upset. its too soon to think about all this, i just need to take one day at a time at the moment. on monday i am going to look for a new home and i'll take it from there.

thanks for your replies, i will suggest counselling to dh but i'm not sure he'll go for it...
i'll be back soon i'm sure, but i don't think i can do this right now, sorry.

OP posts:

PrincessSnowLife · 01/12/2007 23:04

MBPF come on, talk it through here if you need to. Ladymuck is being very sensible but I reckon you are not ready for that now? It's too fresh. You have been the supporter for so long, carrying him through his down times, and raising your dd at the same time. This will be a big shock. Don't go through it on your own. Are there friends close by?

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 01/12/2007 23:09

thanks pgl, i am at a friends right now. i will come back to you soon but i'm going to bed right now xx

OP posts:

PrincessSnowLife · 01/12/2007 23:20

ok sleep deeply
glad you with someone. No point being alone when you've had a big shock.
thinking of you
pop in for a cuppa in the tea shop tomorrow if you have a mo. Get yourself hairstroked by lissie

merrylissiemas · 02/12/2007 10:33

oh bigpants, im so sorry. how are you this morning?

frostythesnowmum · 02/12/2007 10:58

I'm really sorry but I'm going to be very hard with my advice because you need to do whats best for you and your daughter now. If things don't work out in the long run then you don't of wanted to of lost out because you were too nice when living in hope iykwim.
If he doesn't know what he wants then you can be pretty sure it's not you so chances are things wont work out in the future. You need to find out legally what is the most your entitled to and go for that whether you can do this amicably or have to go down the legal route. You also have to sort out maintenance asap again what your entitlement is under the circumstances. I personally would seek legal advice.
This will do 2 things protect you and your daughter and also show dh that you are serious about getting on with your life whether he is in it or not. He can't think that it is acceptable for him to be like this and you wait round for him. If he thinks he might be loosing his safety net (you) he might just realize that he does not want to be without you and ask to come back - if this is the case he has to know you wont be messed about otherwise he could play this game for years.
I know it's hard and you love him and are hurting but follow your head and not your heart if it's meant to be things will work out but right now you need to take control of the things you can.
Finally - I always ask this when there is a break up as so many times it's true. Is there anyone else involved that you don't know about? In my experience of break ups there is usually a catalist and more often than not the wife is the last to know. I only ask cause if this is the case and you know it will make all your decisions much clearer and force your hand which in the long run might work out best for you.
Good luck.

PrincessSnowLife · 02/12/2007 19:23

you ok mbpf?

trulymadlydeeply · 02/12/2007 19:35

My DH had a nervous breakdown when dd was a month old - it had been a long time coming but I never saw it until it hit! He, too, wanted to leave because he was suddenly overwhelmed by the responsibiity and just wanted to be free again.

I persuaded him to stay so that we could work through it and I could support him, and he had CBT to help him rationalise his depression and stress.

It was a very long and tough road, and we ended up having Relate counselling when he was strong enough and well enough to cope to get us back on track.

We're much stronger now, but it was the hardest couple of years of my life and we nearly split up several times. We're very strong now, though.

Don't know what advice to offer really, but I recognise what you're saying, and if he's the one who suffers, it'll be YOUR decision about what the future holds and it'll be YOU who has to be strong and direct the outcome as much as you can.

Good luck with thinking about what you want and going to get it

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/12/2007 22:27

hi all, thanks again for your comments
frosty - I really do appreciate what you are saying and am doing my best to approach things from a practical point of view. This is why I said in the first place that if he isn't sure what he feels then I am just going to do my best to get on with my life. I am going flat hunting tomorrow.
From a financial point of view, we haven't really discussed this in much detail - it still feels too raw, too soon. There are so many emotions going on and it is so hard to focus on these type of details when I see him at the moment.

My priority at the moment is to find a nice little place to live and then I know I we will have to discuss this straight away.

OP posts:

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/12/2007 22:33

...and lissie and pgl - i will try to get into the tea shop when I can! haven't had much of a chance in the mornings lately but I will see you there soon so make sure the kettles on
hope you are both ok!

OP posts:

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 02/12/2007 22:37

TMD - I'm glad things are working out for you. It has been rather a similar situation here and I do think that having dd, as much as he loves and dotes on her, was the trigger for his breakdown.

OP posts:

Original poster

massivebigpantsface · 03/12/2007 19:53

anyone around later? could do with a chat...
dh is here with me right now but will be going out in an hour...

OP posts:

Camillathechicken · 03/12/2007 20:03

oh ! i am so sorry

i had not idea that things were so bad

i hope you resolve things , or can be amicable

take care

lulu xxx

Camillathechicken · 03/12/2007 20:05

sorry, door bell just rang, got to go x

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