What do i do

[Delilah6]

Seeking advice
Am not sure what to do
He is very verbaly abusive and has on few occassions pushed me and twisted mt wrist forcefully. He would rant and rant for hours on end. Doesnt matter what time of the day or night. Without trigger or provocation he would call me names he wpuld say" you whore, dick sucker, go kill yourselve, your not a mother, you dont deserve to be a mother, you slut"

I go to work i leave on time as i have alot to do with regards to work so i try to go in early. As soon as i walk through the door he goes on repeat sayinf the above negative words to me over and over hours on end. Am stuck and am not sure what to do partly due to stigma of dirvorce within my community and family, and i dont want to feel like a failure. But then our D is still a todler. Am petrified of living alone and been single as now he mostly works from home and is able to look after D when D is not at nursery.

When ibretuen from work he accuses me of foinf to mans house, cheating, neglecting D, its becoming exhausting his negative constant verbal abuse.

We would be asleep and he would wake up middle of the night and begin verbally abusing me he would say " you whore you slut hell has a special place for you and he would pace up and down the house verbaly abusing me.

So divorce can't be that frowned upon?

Thanks everyone i have just been bottling these up for past fee years as i dont really have friends, family abroad, i just keep to myself go to work fo home. I enjoyed being by myself till i met this man he sold me the dream of love, took me places , wooed me, always apologised . Since we married its been emotional hell. I cant even bring myself to be intimate with him as i want more children. I dont even have any love for him anymore i dislike him as the days passby. When i gather the courage to leave i will probably live alone hopefuly we have shared custody as he keeps saying he will get me sectioned so he can take our child.

I have no histroy of mental health problem.

I found this platform yesterday during one of his unprovoked rant. I liked that people could say what they feel, and think.

I thought to just write what was foing on in my life as it is.

I am drained emotionaly, psychologicaly and physicaly at times i just wish he can meet up with friends at weekend so i can breathe.

They always threaten to take the kids but the fact is when it comes down to it, do you really think he would be arsed actually having the kid even 50% of the time? Plus the judges can see right though his sorts spite because they see it all the time.

You're.not thinking of the damage he's doing to your child. She/he is learning from him that it's okay for a partner to speak to you this way. That is terrible. You are both role models. Leave him for the sake of your child.

Op you are doing the right thing for your child by trying to understand your feelings and your situation.

You are in such a difficult position.
You know that this is a dangerous man who using you as a punch bag because he feels empty inside.

You cannot fix him.
If you stay you will completely die emotionally.

I will also say this. And please listen.
Don't imagine that being in this atmosphere had no effect on your child because he is young.

Don't just sweep it away and put if off.
Our psychology, what makes us who we are forever, is formed during these earliest years. We cannot understand it. It's all subconscious. Protect your child now.

I would suggest you keep a log of things that have been said to you or done to you and keep dates. If you can, record using a phone voice recorder secretly to capture some of the abuse.

The law is there to protect you.
You can get things like occupation order or Non molestation order to keep him away. Look into those.

Contact domestic abuse help line.

Don't plan on putting up with it a bit longer.. a bit longer. You have to leave very soon. You know that.

You can do it.
You deserve to live free from fear

He can't 'get you sectioned' I promise OP. That isn't how it works, it's something people think is true from films and TV but isnt. Mental health professionals have to sanction it and the threshold is high.

He has been negligent and endangered your child leaving the child in a cot to go and shag someone. It's one of the worst things I've ever read on here tbh.

You will be fine financially in comparison to the damage he's doing to you and your child. You'll get by. Work / universal credit / anything is better than this.

Call womens aid when you're at work on a break and tell them what you've told us. They will explain how you can get yourself safe from this man.

This isn't low level abuse, this is coercive control, verbal and emotional abuse that is illegal in the Uk. It's that bad.

Your child cannot live in these conditions.

Divorce cannot be that frowned upon if you mentioned his / a relative's four marriages and even if it is frowned upon, that doesn't make it ok to stay with him. Better to have judgemental people judge you and do the right thing than to do wrong by your child (by staying) just to appease other people.

He sounds like an absolute dangerous nutter. You absolutely have yo get out for your own safety.

Please leave. If social services knew they could remove your child.

This is absolutely not normal op. It is very far from normal.

A 'normal' marriage is one where both people love each other, show respect, care for each others needs, are interested in each other, support each other, are affectionate. Two equals who share life's workload and enjoy being together. Sure there are rough days and trials and tribulations, but they always know they have the support of the other at the end of the day.

Your husband is a long way from being a good husband. He is the worst. He is abusive. He doesn't respect you. He is unfaithful. He left your child alone for goodness' sake - he is dangerous. He doesn't even like you. He is ruining your life and will ruin your child's life if you don't seek help.

Please, please keep talking on here, and please start taking small steps towards splitting up. You will be so much happier without him. Your child will be happier. Importantly, they will be safer.

He is a vile abuser, a poor husband and father, and he is a danger to your child.

And don't worry about whether people will dissprove. So what? Which matters more to you - the safety and wellbeing of your child and you, or what other people think? (especially when those people are ill-informed or ignorant?)

Please take care. Please seek help. You can do this. You deserve so much better.

He’s horrible.

You need to leave as soon as possible.

Phone womens aid and they will help you understand what options you have.

Do it in secret. If he finds out you are planning to leave he will go apeshit as he wants you his “toy/possession” to stay.

Do not stay. You and your child deserve better than him.

If you can tape his ranting at you for evidence fine, as long as you can do it secretly.

Give him no clue that you’re going until the day he pops out for an hour and you and the child are gone by the time he returns.

Make sure you know where birth certificates and passports are, phone charger, medication etc is as you may have to pack in a hurry to leave.

You could also photograph his p60 or wage slips or bank statements etc for use if he tries to screw you over in the divorce in due course.

But don’t put what you will take when you go in a pile on the table as that’s too obvious.

You will have a much better life without him. Many of us are alone and so grateful for it to be away from horrible men like him. You will be fine. You will live your best life. You just need to get away from him as he’s cruel, nasty and mental. Please don’t have any more children to him.

Does a refuge provider which caters for women in your community exist. I think there is for Asian women so I would look into this if you feel unable to contact women's aid. Either way you need to get out and do so safely

Dear Delilah, none of this is even slightly normal.
Read what everyone so far has written - your husband is extremely abusive. Not only the ranting, the pushing and turning your wrist are absolutely NOT okay.
Try and record his rants, try and make pictures of his phone where he makes these appointments with women, make copies/pictures of bank documents (in case you need this for divorce so that he can't hide the money in the future) and go to woman's aid or social services in your city/town.
Once you have the recordings, you can also proove to your parents what was going on.
You can't afford to stay in this horrible situation, your child will be scarred for life if he has to witness this kind of unhinged behaviour.
Good luck !

PS You say you're petrified of living alone. Believe me, living alone will be such a relief. It will be difficult for some aspects like childcare, but you will find solutions for those. Your husband is - sad as it may sound - beyond help.

I couldnt just read this and not post.
You do need to speak to someone quickly for your own sanity. At least you go out to work so have that time to be able to make a call , there is no shame at all in asking for help.
Please contact Womens Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/
Or somewhere local to you. If you need to vent or need support this site can be helpful. Take care x

Record him
Record every word
Tell people at work. Ring Women's Aid from work.
Get help NOW!

I agree - start recording him. Let somebody else who is close to you listen so you can start getting the support you need to leave him. This is awful x

Don't protect him by hiding his vile behaviour. Tell as many people as you can. Record what he says. Keep a diary of what happens. Nobody has the right to treat another human this way.

OP if you are in Ealing district, please contact Southall Black Sisters for support: southallblacksisters.org.uk/
They provide specialist support to BAME women.

There are several organisations in different areas who can help BAME women experiencing abuse. For example in Sheffield there is Ashianas:
www.ashianasheffield.org/

Google search "bame women domestic abuse [my area]"

If there is nothing nearby that can offer specialist help, please contact Womens Aid. They can help you see that you are worth so much more than this dangerous, bullying cheat.

PLEASE KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. Delete your internet history, or better yet use Incognito mode. Never leave yourself logged in. This man sounds in danger of escalating if you step out of line. He has already progressed to pushing you and twisting your wrists. You will need to make a plan in order to leave safely.

Keep posting (safely!) - it can be a long process gathering the courage and determination to leave. Especially when that means going against your cultural norms and family expectations.

You and your son are worth so much more than this. A better life is out there waiting for you both

Pp have you gone quiet because you're busy legging it? I hope so

Op*

Let us know if you’re ok x

Oh my lovely, I hope you're ok. There is something terribly, terribly wrong with your husband, and you are not safe in the house with him. Please, just run. Take your gorgeous baby and run.

Are you ok op?

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ '

Are you ok OP? Xx

Hi all thank you so much for you advice and support.

Update.

The vile verbal abuse remains same. I have called womens aid nd was referred to private counselling Relate, i have done 2 sessions but they are expensive £45 per session. Even the relate councellor said "seperation damages children". So that doesnt really help me make decision to leave.

I need to figure out a plan. Its just my personality i just shut down and tell myself maybe am not a good wife, am ugly, no one will want me, family members will laugh at me and said we told you so.

This minute his current rant is he is saying to me right now " thats why i call you a whore all you do is think your better than me, i hve been working since i was 17, how did i end up marrying a whore, all you do is shave your legs, make your hair so other men can look at you, the street is where you belong this is not your home, your mother is whore hence she gve birth to a useless person like you, other women holding down a man, you cant, you jare me, you live home at 7am to work the streets of london to go sleep around," then he turns to our 2yr old son and says to him" unfortunately this whore is your mother you dont deserve her as a mother. I go to the bedroom out of his sight perhaps my presence triggers something in him he comes into the room pacing spits at me and says " i wish you die i wish you go out and never come back, this is my home not urs i brought you here you dick head, i pay thr rent " " i will call your work and get you sacked, dont play with me am not scared of police i use to work for them" " your days are numbered you dick head,chatting breeze one day you will come home and your shit will be outside i have never met a whore like you dick head kiss my bottom"

Its none stop this is everyday. I have made him aware that i record some of his verbal assaults towards me should need arise and we end up in court or i have to call police.

For the record he does a very important job. I have calmly told him not to threaten me but he ignored me.

Sometimes i have had to tell my friend to call me in the morning or daytime to ensure am basicaly still alive.

My husband had during some of his unprovoked verbal assaults, pushed, shoved and twisted my wrist, my phone he has thrown on the floor several times.

Am not sure perhaps my back ground doesnt help me with seeing the negative effect my current situation is having on my life and my son's. i have lived with family members who had emotionally maltreated me in the past i had to put my stuff in bin bags and ran away, also whilst back home, my parents roled our household with physical assault my dad would upto when i and my brothers teenage years he would when agry with us, tie our hands strip my brothers to their boxers and whip cane us with cable wires, long sticks, neigbours would gather in the slum where we lived to watch through our windows as we scream from the beatings. I and my siblings still have the scar marks from those brutal beatings.

And what did we do, all we did was just go to neigbours to eat or watch television due to power cut on our street so we go watch tv at other neigbour whom my parents saw as bad influence. I remember i would say to my dad " dad dad remember am a girl please stop beating me his reply is " next time you do as you are told"

Although now my parents are getting old they act like i and my brothers should forgive and forget.

So with my husbands abuse toward me i keep telling myself " you have been through worst it cant be that bad so many people want your marriage to fail prove them wrong stat with him put on a font just ignore his rants"

I have tried to rationalised his angry out bursts but it does not make sense today he left home at 5am came back around 11.am as soon as he walked in through the door, took off his shoes and started saying the above.

I was trying to read to my son but he was not having it so i thought to try again when he is in the mood to read with me. As nursery staff said they dont observe him talk as he is to move up to another class so plan was to record it and show them eventhough he is not fluent in talking yet he does say some words and sentences although might be hard to understand. So my husband was trying to force him to read i was just about to say to him to let our son be perhaps we try again when he is in the mood as he wont engage.

He went off from 11.am this morning till now this man is still ranting, he had intermettent stops to collect his amazon delivery, gaze at his computer, eat then starts the insults all over. He says" its your fault our son is not talking yet other mothers put in work, your busy sleeping around, you need jesus, therw is no saving you your foul, dick head"

Its none stop he is having dinner at moment whikst charming his chips right now he is saying to our son " unfortunately this who you have to call mum, she is whore she dont deserve you, look t her texting her boyfriends , meet me on monday am coming to your house, so insecure, every evening its randoms she has to talk to, she is so insechre, how much time she spends on bullocks, gossiping about me, she will still be telling her bullshit story, thats why i call her whore".