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Original poster

Dating - what's wrong with me??

35 replies

snzow · 26/08/2021 14:38

So much just feeling down & sorry for myself.

Been using OLD for 5 years without success.....

Each guy Ive dated hasn't worked out (obviously) and with each guy I'd have a different reason, e.g. they were only interested in sex, emotionally unavailable, in a bad place with their own mental health...

This most recent guy I've been chatting to online feels like the final straw in terms of how much more rejection i can take.

He's divorced with 4 kids, I'm divorced with 1. I've showed my friends his photo and they say he's not bad looking but in terms of looks I could do better (I'm not big headed and not hung up on looks), we've got loads in common, we've never met IRL but have a lot of friends in common and I felt like we'd be a great match.

Then we match online. He didn't message me so I messaged him. I was getting one sentence replies and he generally doesn't seem that interested.

We're friends on SM and he's constantly sharing posts about how woman are only interested in men for money, not being able to trust women etc

The other night when I messaged him after we matched he was going on about how he hates OLD and is about to delete it etc etc

I know he's very negative and doesn't sound like he's in a good place but why am
I always left feeling like I'm not good enough?

I have a professional career earning good money of my own, nice house, nice car, never cheated on anyone....

And before everyone says "he's just not that into you" - i know he's not but WHY?! it's not like he's the worlds best catch 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 26/08/2021 14:55

You have never met, but you are social media friends and you think you would be a great match?

That’s where you are going wrong.

Palavah · 26/08/2021 14:58

Why are you SM friends with someone you've never met?

Why do you care about whether this guy wants you or not? You're not especially interested in him by the sound of it. We have limited time on this earth, do you want to spend it worrying about why this one guy isn't chasing you?

Palavah · 26/08/2021 14:59

Oh, and the 'always left feeling like you're not good enough' is coming from you, not him. Stop chasing the validation of men you don't know.

Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 15:01

You're right but I've not explained it great.

I more mean that we seem to be a good match on paper (from what ive been told by friends), he matched with me on a dating site (so assume he doesn't find me unattractive), but no interest in chatting etc

From what he said when we briefly chatted and what he posts on social media it doesn't sound like he's in the right headspace to meet someone. If this was the case then fair enough but it seems to happen to me over & over 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
ProfessorInkling · 26/08/2021 15:01

He’s clearly not good enough for you, why do you frame it the other way? Block and delete and move on.

Refreshpage · 26/08/2021 15:04

"I've showed my friends his photo and they say he's not bad looking but in terms of looks I could do better (I'm not big headed and not hung up on looks), we've got loads in common, we've never met IRL but have a lot of friends in common and I felt like we'd be a great match."

Is whether your friends think someone is good looking important to you? Surely you look at a person and decide if YOU find someone attractive or not, not seek opinions of friends who let's face it have different tastes.

If you just go on what you perceive to be good looking enough for where you see you stand in the good looking stakes it sounds odd. Is there a level. If you fancy someone message, don't go on the 'is he good looking enough for me' you sound shallow and perhaps that's where you are going wrong a little at the offset.

Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 15:06

@Palavah

Why are you SM friends with someone you've never met?

Why do you care about whether this guy wants you or not? You're not especially interested in him by the sound of it. We have limited time on this earth, do you want to spend it worrying about why this one guy isn't chasing you?

He sent me a follow request on Instagram. I don't have my Instagram on my dating profile but I assumed he knew who I was via mutual friends and sent me a request
OP posts:
Palavah · 26/08/2021 15:06

If you met a guy who was a great match on paper but you just weren't into him/ weren't in a place to think about him that way would you expect him to tie himself in knots working out why you didn't like him? Should he take it as a personal failing? Or shrug and crack on with his life?

Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 15:07

You're all right.

It's not about this one guy that's getting me down, OLD feels like rejection after rejection and I guess this was just the final straw

OP posts:
gannett · 26/08/2021 15:10

We're friends on SM and he's constantly sharing posts about how woman are only interested in men for money, not being able to trust women etc

WHY would you message him after seeing these gigantic red flags

bluejelly · 26/08/2021 15:11

Nothing wrong with you. He's a knob. Block and move on.

Palavah · 26/08/2021 15:12

Yep, that's OLD. You will get more rejection than you've ever had in your life but that's because you're connected with more men than you ever have been in your life ( i assume!).

You have no way of knowing what's going on for each of those men. One of them could go on his first date with you and meet his soulmate the next day. That does not make you less worthy of love.

leavesthataregreen · 26/08/2021 15:15

Anyone who says 'women are xyz' or 'men are xyz' is emotionally lazy. They aren't responding to the individual people they meet. As you say, he sounds like he's not in the right frame of mind to be a good date let alone a good partner.

If you don't like OLD, get off it. Get out into the world, pursue your interests and then you might meet a man who shares them.

TheFoundations · 26/08/2021 15:18

As my counsellor said to me, in one of the biggest lightbulb moments of my life:

'The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

A useful tool for changing your mindset is to think of the most confident person you can; maybe somebody you know, maybe somebody from a film or TV programme, doesn't matter. Imagine some bloke treating them like this. How would they respond? Instead of 'Oh no, I'm some sort of failure :(', they'd be more 'Oh my god, he's a complete cock! How hilarious, he's made a right idiot of himself! His attitudes towards women are so childish and hard done to. Good riddance, I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole' etc etc

Think about the logic you're using. Do you genuinely think that any bloke who isn't 'the worlds best catch' is obliged to be into you? Are you the worlds best catch yourself, and if not, do you fancy all men, as a direct result?

Rejections are good. OLD is a filtering process. You're not waiting for somebody to accept you, you're hunting for somebody worthy of being accepted by you.

I think the real question is why do you want him to be into you, given that you're not really into him? Where is that need coming from?

SomethingChief · 26/08/2021 15:23

Sounds like you're setting your quality filters WAY too low and wasting time on poor quality men which is sapping your energy. A one sentence reply would do nothing to capture or maintain my attention - they'd have to do a hell of a lot better than that to keep my interest. 95% of prospects are duds. You just need to filter filter filter and only allow yourself to invest in those that are genuinely giving something of themselves. Otherwise you just waste energy and burn out.

insidenumber5 · 26/08/2021 15:25

I've felt a bit like this before but have been able to reframe it. There are so many personal (and very likely stupid reasons to anyone else) that I choose not to match with men on OLD sites - which are absolutely nothing to do with me deeming them as 'good enough'. Stuff like - likes football, one of the pictures is them in Ibiza, too good looking, too fashionable, likes going out a lot. Nothing wrong at all with any of these things, it's about me. His reasons could be something as obscure as one of those, not a measure of you.

Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 15:40

@SomethingChief

Sounds like you're setting your quality filters WAY too low and wasting time on poor quality men which is sapping your energy. A one sentence reply would do nothing to capture or maintain my attention - they'd have to do a hell of a lot better than that to keep my interest. 95% of prospects are duds. You just need to filter filter filter and only allow yourself to invest in those that are genuinely giving something of themselves. Otherwise you just waste energy and burn out.
I think that's it! I've been going OLD for so long that i feel like I've ran out of good quality matches.

I thought lowering the bar a bit might be the solution as they might make more effort but it actually seems like the opposite!!

OP posts:
Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 15:41

@TheFoundations that's a much better way to think of it!

Thanks @insidenumber5 I know I do that myself!!

Guess I'm just feeling like I'm destined to be single forever!!!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 26/08/2021 15:49

@snzow

Guess I'm just feeling like I'm destined to be single forever

And therein lies the problem. You see single as a failing. Rectify this before continuing to date. Spend a year or two doing stuff for yourself that makes your life utterly brilliant, thoroughly enjoyable. Making yourself into a person who, if you met you as a stranger, you'd think 'Wow. What a woman! She's AMAZING.'

Then, when you start to date, and Mr Rubbish treats you like poo, your internal response will be 'No chance, mate! You'll have to do a lot better than that for me to give up my singledom!'

That's how you get self respect: be absolutely lovely to yourself, consistently, and work towards having the life/pastimes/experiences/education that you respect in others. Everything looks different when you realise how amazing you are; and I promise you, you are.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2021 16:26

he's constantly sharing posts about how woman are only interested in men for money, not being able to trust women etc

This is your answer.

Don't ignore this.

Set your sights higher!

Rozziie · 26/08/2021 16:31

I've encountered men like this. Complain that 'no women is interested in them' but what they really mean is 'no women who meets their lofty standards is interested in them'.

I have no idea why so many suffer from such an acute lack of self awareness but it's definitely a 'thing'. Some men just don't seem to realistically assess how what they have to offer squares with what they're looking for. I was casually seeing someone who did exactly the same thing, complained about how hard it was to date and how difficult women were. He had the chance of a relationship with me but he obviously though he could do better. He couldn't see that a very balding, slightly boring, very average looking 35-year-old man with a beer belly wasn't exactly a catch for the beautiful 20-somethings he seemed to want.

It's very frustrating and irritating to deal with people like this but there's nothing you can do but leave them to it.

Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 16:45

@GreyCarpet

he's constantly sharing posts about how woman are only interested in men for money, not being able to trust women etc

This is your answer.

Don't ignore this.

Set your sights higher!

I guess I was stupidly thinking that I might be different than his previous gf's as I'm very independent, self-sufficient and have done very well career wise so I've got no interest in the financial aspect of a relationship

I consider myself loyal & trustworthy, never cheated etc.

But like a PP said, he's generalised all women this way based on the experience of a few. I'm obviously kidding myself that he'd see me as "different"

OP posts:
Original poster
snzow · 26/08/2021 16:48

@Rozziie

I've encountered men like this. Complain that 'no women is interested in them' but what they really mean is 'no women who meets their lofty standards is interested in them'.

I have no idea why so many suffer from such an acute lack of self awareness but it's definitely a 'thing'. Some men just don't seem to realistically assess how what they have to offer squares with what they're looking for. I was casually seeing someone who did exactly the same thing, complained about how hard it was to date and how difficult women were. He had the chance of a relationship with me but he obviously though he could do better. He couldn't see that a very balding, slightly boring, very average looking 35-year-old man with a beer belly wasn't exactly a catch for the beautiful 20-somethings he seemed to want.

It's very frustrating and irritating to deal with people like this but there's nothing you can do but leave them to it.

@Rozziie that's 100% it. Like he's got himself on some pedestal.

And he thinks all these single 20 something year olds with no kids should be fighting over a divorced dad of 4 as he has his own house & car!! (That's what seems important to him)

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 26/08/2021 16:49

Maybe he thinks he's not enough for you ? And that you'd never really be interested in him long term.

Stop seeing it as rejection and more dodging a bullet!

girl71 · 26/08/2021 18:22

Op, do you meet people in RL? Do you have a hobby? Work socials? School PTA / mum friends? Friends from sch? Are you interested in Park runs ( Single Dads take their kids on a Sat morning), you can even walk around no running needed if DC young. Do you socialise with yr neighbours? Increasing your social circle and your activities/ exposure to life, will put you in touch with new friends and then friends of friends etc.

I personally have never done OLD. I find it easier to meet and get to know people, over time, and in my day to day life. It takes longer and not as "instant" as OLD but the quality is there and getting to know people is more natural. You get to see peoples mannerisms, hear their voice, their sense of humour. Attraction grows naturally and mutually. I have met people at work and at Park runs ( i took my DC when they were younger). Its very natural. You see people over time, general chit chat, slow, calm and steady. Attraction and relationships evolve over time, not artificially or electronically.

With kindness, you have been using OLD for 5 yrs and and it is quite frankly wearing you down and by your own admission, not found you a partner. Why do you even care that this random does not want to meet you? From what you posted here about him he is no catch. Moaning about women only wanting men with money ( suggests his divorce has made him bitter and skint ) and 4 kids. Err no thanks, i have my own money, a good job, my own paid for home and my 2 DC's are grown up, no way would i involve myself with a guy with 4 kids ( unless those kids were in their late 20's and all moved out). Do i want 4 additional kids in my life.. no!

"I have a professional career earning good money of my own, nice house, nice car, never cheated on anyone...."

Yes, so have more faith in yourself. Be more confident ...and come off OLD. You have a lot to offer someone. Do real world things and meet a real world man! Stop allowing others, on line , to affect your mood and self worth. Do not give anymore headspace to a random internet OLDater, a bitter divorcee with 4 kids who probably could not afford to do anything nice with you anyway. That is probably what he is complaining about when he said women only want men for money. He likely has no funds to do anything. So unattractive in any person. If you want to spend all your dating meeting in the local park and other free stuff then great!!! Clearly, he has been rejected by others. Hence his vitriol.

Sorry OP, but dating costs money. Going out together, day trips, nights out and possible weekends away. It is an investment of sorts. You are a
woman of substance. Do not sell yourself short. You need to get out there and create a
dating environment for yourself in the real world. Be patient and take your time. Be selective and have boundaries. Set your bar high and have faith in your own worth. What you allow is what will happen.