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Original poster

Is this a bad sign?!

28 replies

Fancyingta · 26/08/2021 07:48

Or maybe I’m just too intense Grin

Basically DP rarely organises anything. We’ve been together over a year now (known each other a bit longer) and he works lots, often tired, early 40s, quite happy with chilling in an evening and staying in. That’s not to say he won’t go out, but it’s always me saying let’s go here or do this and then he’ll do it and say afterwards he had a great time, thanks so much for suggesting it, what a great idea etc etc. For instance I suggested we went to a gallery the other weekend and then stopped for lunch at this famous tea place (we love tea) and he enjoyed the whole day, sent photos to his family about it.

It just winds me up that he rarely looks into things or researches anything! I have also tried not making any effort and going with the flow a bit more (I’m NOT very good with that!) and he will then suggest something very last minute, ie in bed on the morning but it’s often chaotic, have to book tickets last minute and often there aren’t any, it’s not planned and so sometimes more expensive (if we get a train somewhere for instance) and I never have the right clothing with me! He’s not massively spontaneous so even when this happens it’s more because we are lying in bed and it occurs to him we could do something that day….

I guess I’ve started wondering if it’s a bad sign that he’s not that into the relationship…would he make more effort if he was? for context I can get anxious so I’m aware this could mean absolutely nothing and it’s just his nature. At the same time, whilst he’s affectionate, we see each other every few days and I’m happy, I’ve certainly been with men who have been a lot more full on with me and taken the reins.

OP posts:
Getbehindme · 26/08/2021 07:56

I don't see it as an indication of his feelings, some people just aren't organised or think that way - maybe a little selfish?

Can you perhaps give him a bit of a schedule of weekends that he's to organise and make it clear you'd prefer to know what it is the day before so you can prepare? He might not realise it's having an impact.

Timeforredwine · 26/08/2021 07:59

Just different personalities but a little selfish, you sometimes need to make adjustments from being single to being in a relationship so he needs to realise this.

Letthelightoflove · 26/08/2021 08:02

@Getbehindme

I don't see it as an indication of his feelings, some people just aren't organised or think that way - maybe a little selfish?

Can you perhaps give him a bit of a schedule of weekends that he's to organise and make it clear you'd prefer to know what it is the day before so you can prepare? He might not realise it's having an impact.

Exactly this. I don’t see it as selfish unless you’ve already explained the impact it has on you.
Letthelightoflove · 26/08/2021 08:02

Exactly this but*

layladomino · 26/08/2021 08:04

This can be down to you just being different people. I'm a planner. I like to plan well in advance. That means that I often end up doing the lions share of planning for holidays etc (which I actually quite enjoy most of the time).

My DH enjoys these events when they happen, but a lot of them wouldn't happen if it was left to him.

This used to bother me a bit, but a few things have helped:

  • I know that it isn't a reflection on how he views 'us' ' it's just I think to plan first. There are other areas of our r'ship where he puts more effort in than me, so it balances.
  • If I plan, I get more of a say (I made that clear early on!) Smile
  • Over time he has become much more engaged in the planning, as he's seen the benefits, and now enjoys having things to look forward to
  • We agreed a couple of key dates / celebrations which are always his to plan. He can focus on those without worrying about all the other planning / I enjoy being surprised on those 2 occasions.
litterbird · 26/08/2021 08:08

Most of my girlfriends are married to men who dont organise anything and my girlfriends do the lot, research, buy tickets, book lunch etc. They noticed it from the start and thought it would improve. It didn't so, as you are anxious and need some structure and some excitement getting out, I would clearly speak to him about the impact of this. He will listen and step up a bit but he is likely to just give you the reigns in the end and you will become the Scout leader for everything in your life. My friends have accepted this trait in their husbands and just get on with it as they said if they didn't their whole life would revolve around being at home in front of the tele!!!

GentlemanJay · 26/08/2021 09:15

I had an ex wife like that. In all the time I was with her she never booked a ticket, booked a hotel, a train , an event. Nothing. She was quite happy to stay home. Never suggested going anywhere. Even with our two children.

She's now my ex wife. In the last six years I've done all sorts. I've had a brilliant time. Interesting, she's been consistent and done absolutely nothing.

When I've had girlfriends since and they've taken it upon themselves to organise stuff and book things, it's been glorious, and I've really thanked them for it. Such a breath of fresh air.

MrsMaizel · 26/08/2021 09:19

TBH a lot of men are like this - I am happy to do the organising and my H says he is happy as long as he is with me . He's a last minute person and I'm the opposite . I get to do what I want to do so I'm happy . i dont think it necessarily indicates a lack of interest in you.

GoodnightGrandma · 26/08/2021 09:21

He’s just not the same as you.
He isn’t going to change, so keep doing what you’re doing, or leave if it’s not good enough.

OhWhatAmIDoing · 26/08/2021 09:24

I have a BF like this but actually find it really annoying. I have a small child too so it feels like being responsible for 2 kids! Never plans or organises anything, doesn't think about what's for dinner or what to eat the next week etc. Would happily sit on the sofa and do nothing, nothing occurs to him, washing, dishes, hoovering etc. I'm actually considering ending the relationship over it because it's just too much.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/08/2021 09:26

Yes its a bad sign. He basically expects you to be his bloody mother expecting you ti arrange everything all the time.

Ges too important for. the mental.load if that stuff.

Its like having a third child when you have kids too.

JamesWilbysAbs · 26/08/2021 09:29

He sounds more introverted than you and more laid back, happier to go with the flow. These are not negative traits.
He is also a bit passive. I don't see it as a reflection of his feelings for you. It's his personality. I recognise it because that's my personality too.

I don't think you can expect him to completely change his personality- but you could directly ask him to plan something, say once a month???

DuchessOfDisaster · 26/08/2021 09:32

My partner is like this and I have known him since university and am now 46. It's not about not being that into you. It's different personalities. I book and arrange everything, and he doesn't even send Christmas or birthday cards to anyone except his parents and me. He is also a technophobe and won't book anything on line. He even gets his mate to order things on line for him because he won't do it himself. It's annoying and lazy I think but it isn't always a sign of not being into a relationship.

What I do is book something I want to do, and do it. If he wants to come, he can. If he doesn't, tough. Once he was upset because I didn't invite him!

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/08/2021 09:35

He even gets his mate to order things on line for him because he won't do it himself. It's annoying and lazy I think but it isn't always a sign of not being into a relationship

It must take longer to call/text a mate than it would to just order it yourself Hmm

His mate needs to stop enabling that shit

oldoctober · 26/08/2021 09:58

You don't say if you have kids. Tbh, if I had my time again, I would insist any partner steps is. From the start. My exh was like this. When 2 kids came along, I ended up organising everything as he hadn't developed the necessary skills. I was exhausted and became very resentful that he was happy enough to come along for the jolly but did sweet FA to help organise.

Current partner is much less like this but I still find myself having to do the lions' share.
However, he and kids are currently making a full English breakfast as I peruse MN because I've gone on strike today, having had a strop about doing it all. He booked tickets to an event late last night. We'll see what happens when we go out for the day and they suddenly realise no-one's thought to make packed lunches....

I would advise not listening to the old 'it's just different personalities' excuses. Actually, it's just not on to allow someone else to organise everything. Also, don't fall into the trap of giving him tasks to do. You will still be doing all the prior mental load associated with those. He's an adult and he needs to step up if he wants to come along.

Aprilx · 26/08/2021 10:07

It would be nice if somebody would make a bit more effort in the early days, but I do think this is more to do with personality than the relationship.

Mischance · 26/08/2021 10:11

Partners each take on different roles in a marriage - you just happen to be the one who organises stuff. I know that we would have gone nowhere and done nothing if I had not done the organising with my late OH. But he came along to all the holidays etc. and enjoyed himself.

He had other roles in the family, which I was happy to let him shoulder. Each do what you are best at.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2021 10:15

Similar to @Mischance
I’m the planner in the relationship. DH has attempted holidays, anniversaries but he is honestly terrible at it. I enjoy it, so I do it.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/08/2021 10:16

Nah this other roles stuff is a cop out.

I mean otherwise you'd never go out anyway because bedtime is one person's job and bath time is another and you'd get home to smelly children ajd a dog who hasn't been taken out.

Funny how the organisation always falls to the wife...

As if mowing the lawn in the summer somehow exempts you from doing anything else

Divebar2021 · 26/08/2021 10:21

From a social point of view I’m the planner in my relationship. I think my DH just doesn’t care that much about going and going stuff. He’s a man of routine. He is however very easy going and will go with the flow and happy to try pretty much anything. He does the planning for tasks like getting the car serviced and organising our wills so I may well have the better end of the deal.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2021 10:31

@Whatwouldscullydo

Nah this other roles stuff is a cop out.

I mean otherwise you'd never go out anyway because bedtime is one person's job and bath time is another and you'd get home to smelly children ajd a dog who hasn't been taken out.

Funny how the organisation always falls to the wife...

As if mowing the lawn in the summer somehow exempts you from doing anything else

But it doesn’t always fall to the wife? At least one poster on here had a wife who wasn’t the planner.

And who are you to say that relationships where work is divided by role instead of both doing the same role is a “cop out”? There are many ways to build an equal relationship and there’s no one right way where every task must be 50/50.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/08/2021 10:45

Depends doesn't it.

I mean sure if it works for you fine.

Personally I find waiting around for someone to decide to do something in " their time" incredibly frustrating especially when it was likely I'd be responsible for managing the situation to enable it to be done.

But then I lived with a builder/brickie which as far as getting anything done around the house goes anyone who's done that will probably agree they just don't in their own home. Hmm

So I'd be the one waiting on for the delivery
I'd be the one keeping the kids out out way
I'd be the one having having take the kids elsewhere fir a shower etc

But you can't remind/prompt the other one to do it at a time that's convenient for you as I " nagging"

So inevitably it leads in some cases to more and more just being taken on by the other person to sort.

If I ever live with someone again I hope it's with someone who can just get on with something that needs doing and have them manage the situation themselves rather than just creating more work for me resulting in me being better off just sorting it myself

Dacquoise · 26/08/2021 10:54

If this is bothering you after a year, then he may not be the right person for you.

There is no right or wrong amount of organising each person should do but you clearly need/want someone who is a bit more willing and motivated to do some of the mental load for your social life together. And needing/wanting that doesn't make you 'too intense'. Perhaps that is how you would like him to care for you.

Have you told him that it's making your feel a bit insecure about the relationship? Is he willing to make more effort?

Crikeyalmighty · 26/08/2021 10:56

I have the reverse, a H who likes planning to the extent of control freakish. I like organising and booking too but because it’s part of his job as well I think he likes being in control. I have to be honest when someone says at10am, right what shall we do today sometimes my heart sinks as I have jobs in the house I need to do and life can’t be all 2 hour drives out and in all fairness I don’t always want my time monopolised this way— I think some people don’t quite get that not everyone likes their time allocated and planned for them continuously

gannett · 26/08/2021 11:58

It's a bad sign if you get annoyed by disorganised or last-minute people.

It's not a bad sign in terms of his feelings for you/the relationship.

Some people are just disorganised, it's how we are, it's not that deep.

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