After four months, how often should we be expecting to see each other?

[brainmangle]

NC for this as I suspect I may be making a big deal out of nothing but would appreciate some rationality as my brain is going wild at the moment.

Background: been together 4 months, both early 30s no children, live half an hour away from each other.

When we got together it was quite intense and we saw each other quite a lot - four months ago we still couldn't meet people inside, gyms weren't open etc so there wasn't much else to do or any distractions to mean that we couldn't see each other. More recently, our respective lives have got busier - me with socialising more with friends now that it is more possible and him with all his sporting activities. We seem to have settled into a routine of only seeing each other twice a week now - usually on a Friday evening and Saturday morning/daytime if neither of us has any other plans and a Sunday afternoon/evening.

Generally if either of us has plans with other people on a Friday or a Sunday we will let the other know so that we can see each other during the week instead so that we keep to twice a week, but no more unless we are going for a long weekend away etc. Is this normal/reasonable? Should it be so rigid or is this just reflective of our busy lives? Should we be seeing more of each other and spending more time together? My ex was very controlling and would ONLY see me on a Wednesday evening and a Sunday afternoon/evening and I am wondering if this might be becoming the same?

I am also feeling a bit rejected because although we already had plans to see each other on Sunday and go to his friend's BBQ and I assumed we'd be doing Friday as normal too but last weekend he arranged to see a friend this Friday without consulting me (unusual) and suggested doing Saturday instead but I already had made plans. He did say that he could change his plans for Friday so that we could do something instead but we are now seeing each other Sunday afternoon and Monday and I was hoping we'd spend all of Monday together but he has to leave around 4 as his friend has booked a squash court for them to play.

Historically I have had an anxious attachment style and, whilst I have been fine in this relationship so far, I can feel it rearing its ugly head again and I can't tell if I have cause to be concerned/worried/upset or not. These worries have also only started after we had a bit of a blip last weekend (he was grumpy and ruined our day out by being cold/unaffectionate but has since apologised and sent me flowers) so I wonder if this is partly what has triggered my anxieties.

Any thoughts?

I don't like the sound of it personally. I think that this early on in a relationship there should be an equal keenness to see one another.

I'd be expecting a mid=week sleepover too...half an hour isn't much...I assume one of you would have further to travel for work but without kids that's hardly a massive inconvenience.

What would his reaction be if you suggested a sleepover on a Wednesday or something?

@FortunesFave in that case we would probably do Wednesday and Sunday as opposed to Friday and Sunday. He is an introvert and does need his alone time to recharge as work is very busy and he usually does some kind of sport on weekday evenings but maybe I'm making excuses for him?

@FortunesFave do you have any suggestions for how I could broach the subject with him?

I'd tell him that its not working out for you.

You sound more like an option rather than a priority of his and if this is what it is like 4 months in, then its not necessarily going to get any better. I have to say I do not particularly like the sound of this man either with him sending "apology" flowers post being cold/unaffectionate towards you when you met up. You did not cause him to be that towards you; he chose to do that.

I am also wondering if you enrolled yourself onto the "Freedom Programme" after you left your abusive ex. If not I would suggest you do this and look into addressing your anxious attachment style through counselling. It may also be an idea for you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Honestly, you are making a big deal out of it. The world will no end if you see less of each other one week. I would find keeping track of time spent together and expectations etc quite a lot of pressure.

It's really hard to tell from your post, but to me he sounds like just a sociable person taking up opportunities to see his friends after lockdown. He might not have twigged the impact it's having on you. He offered to rearrange the Friday thing so he is trying.

As with all relationship problems, the answer is communication.

Be open and honest and tell him how you feel, and see how he responds. If he's cagey and defensive then probably not a keeper. If he's like "oh sorry I didn't realise, what can we do to sort this out" then it was just a misunderstanding.

It's easy to say and hard to do, but try not to let your previous experiences with your ex impact you. He is a different person.

Honestly, a couple of times a week seems perfect for me, you both get to do your own thing, catch up with friends and also see each other. But, that’s by-the-by if this isn’t working for you.

Totally depends what you're happy with.
Me and dh started spending every weekend, all weekend together, plus once in Week, almost immediately but other people like their own space!
Talk to him.

[quote brainmangle]@FortunesFave do you have any suggestions for how I could broach the subject with him?[/quote]
Well you've answered your own question...he's an introvert. He probably doesn't want to spend more than he already is with you. The question is...are you happy with that or not? It doesn't seem like you are really.

@HelloDulling

Honestly, a couple of times a week seems perfect for me, you both get to do your own thing, catch up with friends and also see each other. But, that’s by-the-by if this isn’t working for you.

I agree, especially at four months in, and it sounds like he is being proactive in making arrangements to ensure he does see you OP, but as the poster above has said, it’s whether it is enough for you personally that counts.

[quote brainmangle]@FortunesFave in that case we would probably do Wednesday and Sunday as opposed to Friday and Sunday. He is an introvert and does need his alone time to recharge as work is very busy and he usually does some kind of sport on weekday evenings but maybe I'm making excuses for him?[/quote]
For heavens sake being an introvert does not mean you can only see a romantic partner twice a week. Approximately 50% of the population are introverted and don’t live like that!

Having said that, I don’t think it is too bad at four months in (I just think the introvert rationale makes no sense)? I would probably go with the flow for now, but would like to see some progression in the coming months.

Could you try and see each other once during the week if neither of you can do the Friday?

Twice a week seems perfect to me at four months in. Tbh it would be fine for me at four years in.

But that's the thing, to me that's perfect but other people might think differently.

If someone I was seeing at that stage constantly texted multiple times a day I'd run a mile but one of my good friends would love that. You have to communicate how you feel but try not to overthink it OP.

I live 30 mins away from partner of a year. We both work mon-fri . He lives alone but has kids that he see eow and one day alternate weekends( as he lives an hour away due to work)
I have my kids with me the majority of the time and our weekends where our kids are with their other parent coincide .
We talk every day and text and see each other eow for the full
Weekend and a day on alternate weekends. This works
For us and we are in no hurry to change the present arrangement s . We holiday together too. I don't see us as any lesser of a couple but others see it as us being casual and dating .
Basically , all
Relationships differ , it's what works for you based on your commitments . Best of
Luck .

After 4 months it sounds fine. Most people end up living together and then you can see each other mother.

*more not mother!

If its not enough for you, you need to tell him.

Twice a week four months in sounds normal to me, I think that's how often DP and I saw each other at that stage (we lived in the same city but a good hour away).

Add that to everything opening up at once and wanting to restart other aspects of life and it's definitely harder to make time right now. Lots of last-minute plans happening. Sounds like you just didn't communicate your weekend plans with each other which is just something that happens.

I think insisting on twice a week every week is a bit rigid and doesn't take into account how things can come up unexpectedly BUT if you want to see him more and have practical ideas about how to do so, and want better communication about his plans, there's no reason you can't talk about that.

I guess it depends how often you want to see each other?
I think DH and I had moved in at about 2 months and were probably seeing each other most nights by then. With my long term ex once a week was plenty for me.

I would assume I was seeing him every Saturday night really and just arrange stuff with friends for week or Friday.

And yes a sleepover in the week would be normal.

Else sounds like he is not that fussed.

May work for some people and that is fine. But not for you!

You describe it as if he is 'fitting you in' and/or minimum contact to keep things ticking over and that's why you feel concerned?
Twice a week is plenty for most whether at 4mths or 2 yrs, if you don't want to eventually co-habit. However, if you're not happy, you need to speak to him. You could simply suggest something mid-week and see his reaction. Did he explain why he was cold/unaffectionate that day? It's ok apologising but useless unless he explains.

It does not sound keen enough.
I think me and dp were seeing each other three or four times a week quite early on and still had time for hobbies and lots of separate social stuff. In fact we do similar now, a few years in. We have never got all cosily joined at the hip which allows us to miss each other, have stuff to talk about and have some separate interests, yet no feelings of neglect.
I was out last night, he tonight, out together Fri night, then he's doing stuff Saturday afternoon and meeting me later at the pub with mutual friends.

May be going against the grain here but I think this sounds totally fine. Twice a week 4 months after meeting would be great for me. The fact he’s proactively rearranging shows he’s keen and I don’t really see what the issue is?

Saying that however, I am also anxious attachment and it makes you look for problems that aren’t there which to be honest it sounds a little like you are doing. From an outsider looking in I think it all sounds positive!

I think twice is week is absolutely fine. When I was with my last bf I told a colleague this and she was horrified. She said she was staying over all weekend, every weekend and seeing her bf during the week 3-4 times as well. I'd find this absolutely stifling. Where's the room for your own life?

I made the mistake of becoming completely enmeshed with a long term partner in my twenties because that's what he wanted (he was very needy) and it destroyed me. He dumped me after 7 years together and it was like my world ended. Almost all of our friends were mutual (but mostly his), I had no hobbies, no social outlets, nothing. We had become this one entity and I had totally lost myself. I refuse to let that happen again. Some may say it's unhealthy, I say it's sensible.

I personally look at a lot of people's relationships and think they're extremely codependent rather than something to aim for tbh.