After four months, how often should we be expecting to see each other?

[brainmangle]

NC for this as I suspect I may be making a big deal out of nothing but would appreciate some rationality as my brain is going wild at the moment.

Background: been together 4 months, both early 30s no children, live half an hour away from each other.

When we got together it was quite intense and we saw each other quite a lot - four months ago we still couldn't meet people inside, gyms weren't open etc so there wasn't much else to do or any distractions to mean that we couldn't see each other. More recently, our respective lives have got busier - me with socialising more with friends now that it is more possible and him with all his sporting activities. We seem to have settled into a routine of only seeing each other twice a week now - usually on a Friday evening and Saturday morning/daytime if neither of us has any other plans and a Sunday afternoon/evening.

Generally if either of us has plans with other people on a Friday or a Sunday we will let the other know so that we can see each other during the week instead so that we keep to twice a week, but no more unless we are going for a long weekend away etc. Is this normal/reasonable? Should it be so rigid or is this just reflective of our busy lives? Should we be seeing more of each other and spending more time together? My ex was very controlling and would ONLY see me on a Wednesday evening and a Sunday afternoon/evening and I am wondering if this might be becoming the same?

I am also feeling a bit rejected because although we already had plans to see each other on Sunday and go to his friend's BBQ and I assumed we'd be doing Friday as normal too but last weekend he arranged to see a friend this Friday without consulting me (unusual) and suggested doing Saturday instead but I already had made plans. He did say that he could change his plans for Friday so that we could do something instead but we are now seeing each other Sunday afternoon and Monday and I was hoping we'd spend all of Monday together but he has to leave around 4 as his friend has booked a squash court for them to play.

Historically I have had an anxious attachment style and, whilst I have been fine in this relationship so far, I can feel it rearing its ugly head again and I can't tell if I have cause to be concerned/worried/upset or not. These worries have also only started after we had a bit of a blip last weekend (he was grumpy and ruined our day out by being cold/unaffectionate but has since apologised and sent me flowers) so I wonder if this is partly what has triggered my anxieties.

Any thoughts?

@FortunesFave

I don't like the sound of it personally. I think that this early on in a relationship there should be an equal keenness to see one another.

I'd be expecting a mid=week sleepover too...half an hour isn't much...I assume one of you would have further to travel for work but without kids that's hardly a massive inconvenience.

What would his reaction be if you suggested a sleepover on a Wednesday or something?

Do you not have work? I can't think of anything worse than a sleepover mid week when I need to rest and get up early in the morning, get ready, etc.!

Can't see anything wrong here tbh. I would say twice a week is fine. Sounds like he's putting in the effort to arrange tomes days. It' doesn't sound one sided on your part.
Actually is quite refreshing to hear of 2 adults who seem to be having a balanced relationship. Enjoy spending time together but know how important it is to have their own interests/time apart.
You mention that he made plans without consulting you in all honesty you don't live together, have no children and have been seeing each other 4 months why should he have to consult you. If you already had definite plans then letting you down is poor play granted but if my friend asked me if i wanted to do something there is no way I would even consider needing to consult someone I'd known a few months before making plans.

Rozziie fair point...I work for myself and my hours are flexible but saying that, when I first met DH I didn't work for myself and we both just used to get up, get ready and go to work....we'd keep a bit of stuff at one another's homes.

My partner and I started dating last year during lockdown and when levels allowed we would see each other every two to three days but not overnights as I have teenage children. At the 4 month mark we were both back at work and my children were aware we were dating so I would go to his place mid afternoon on Saturdays (he had sport in the morning) and I would leave about lunchtime Sunday. It seemed like too long apart though so on Wednesdays we would do a gym class together after work, have dinner and watch a movie and I would leave about 11pm. We both like routine though so it worked really well for us.
I think you need to have a conversation with him and just say you would like two nights per week and see where it goes. It all sounds very positive.

Thank you everyone! As suspected, I am overthinking it. I don't even know why this became such a concern for me. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

To those who say he's not invested, now that I've read other replies and got a bit of perspective I don't think that is the case - I've been introduced to friends/family and we are making plans for things to do next year so I reckon I was probably overthinking.

I think the seeing each other is variable between different people, he sounds like he thinks there is a certain amount of time your are guaranteed together and is proactive in trying to arrange new plans if it changes so good there I think

But unexplained grumpiness for a day - watch out that doesn't become a habit of taking his bad mood out on you flowers or no flowers!

You're not your!

I've read your last post and see that who perspective you think you're overreacting. I agree. If you do want more from him though you must articulate that to him properly

When my husband and I got together 15 years ago we'd only see each other twice a week and continued like that until we moved in together 3 years later. We didn't even text or call daily either. Some of my friends thought us really weird but it worked for us. It worked for both of us though. If I want happy I'd have said

If it were me I'd be think about how it feels overall. Is there a sense he's really looking forward to meeting up with you? Do you feel he's really keen and engaged when you do meet? My partner got sent away with work a few months after we met. He used to drive 2 hours once a week for dinner and a sleep over and then get up for the drive back to work at 6am. He did this for 6 months because seeing each other at the weekends wasn't enough for us as we were falling in love. I wouldn't have been happy with just seeing each other at the weekends, especially after about six months. This is all about what works for you both, and I'm wondering if he isn't as fussed as you? I could be wrong and it could be that he's really into you but just needs more time alone. If that is the case, he may not be the right match for you.

I really enjoyed knowing how much my husband couldn't wait to see me (mutual) so this wouldn't be enough for me after a few months. It's so personal though. If you're happy then great!

After 4 months I don’t think it’s an issue, but I would if things don’t progress in the coming months. Enjoy this time! I wish I only saw my husband a few nights a week 😂