Help with my Mum please

[Rubbishdaughter]

Sorry for the long thread, name changed just in case but penis beaker, sistine chapel, snapped and farted...

My Mum is apparently (Step Dad) very upset that she has to travel to me to see me. We live about 1.5 hours away (ferry+drive) for them, or 2.5 hours (ferry+train) for us. It's an expensive trip to make. I moved out at 18 for uni and travelled to them several times a year for 10+ years. Then I had a baby with my DP 2.5 years ago. The first year we couldn't travel, as DS would projectile vomit 10+ times a day (reflux & CMPA) until about 10 months old. We visited for his 1st birthday, then COVID happened. Now things have opened back up again, we haven't been to visit again because DS is obscenely travel sick - cars, buses, trains - he makes it about 10/20 minutes in, then vomits repeatedly until he starts bringing up bright yellow bile, and then carries on (he begs for water and dry heaves, hence the continual vomit) until he falls asleep after maybe an hour. Understandably, we walk as many places as possible now...

I haven't kept count, but my parents have met DS less than 10 times in these 2.5 years, and twice since he turned 1. It's possibly less than 5 times total. Am I unreasonable in asking them to visit us more than us them given the travel sickness circumstances, which will obviously eventually be controllable so it can be more even in future? I have done 10+ years without them ever visiting me before. They have never provided me support beyond dropping me at university that first time, nor have they ever offered any financial or childcare help.

DM has also told me herself that she is upset that she can't have DS to stay for weekends. I've explained that 1) he doesn't know her, 2) the stretch of water between us means I can't get to him at night should he need me, 3) I co-sleep with him, because 4) he still needs night-time milk due to 'feeding trauma' which means he is still learning to eat - I'm working on this currently. I haven't explained that 5) Since step dad used to lose his temper and hit me or throw things at me very regularly, for as long as I can remember until I was mid teens, hard enough for the bruising to prompt SS calls at school, and she did nothing to stop him or protect me, I don't really trust DS with them unsupervised.

I'd really like a better relationship with her, but she's so difficult, and there's so much history. She's very uptight, won't talk about problems, and seems a bit self-absorbed. For example, when we talk on the phone, it's about 30 minutes on how hard her life is and how she never has any time but also nothing to do and nobody to see (she works full time, office management job, and has 2 dogs and my step dad living with her), and then 5 minutes max on how/what we've been doing before she's too busy and has to go. When I do see her, she always has something mean to say about my weight (my weight fluctuates a lot but I haven't actually been overwight for 8 years or so), or about the tidyness/cleanliness of my home (it's not up to my standards admittedly, but it's adequate - me and DP both work full time, he studies as well, I run a micro business, we have a non-sleeping toddler and I'm pregnant).

Is it me, am I an awful daughter? I do my best, but I've inherited a lot of her less lovely traits (uptight, highly strung, anxious) so I know I'm always having to try to be calmer and respond to things proportionally. I do all the usual, regular calls/texts/emails/photos of DS, suitable gifts, etc. She puts in the bare minimum effort regarding gifts these days, and ignores my emails when she wants and then complains I don't contact her enough and she's lonely. I feel like she wants me to make all the effort and doens't even respond let alone reciprocate, and if it was a friend, I'd ditch them with that attitude after so long... She complains bitterly that her mother is cold, distant, not maternal (which is true) but then behaves exactly the same way.

How would you tackle this? And why does this bother me so much, am I just being oversensitive?

Get yourself on the Stately Homes threads OP.

Your mum is a shit parent who values your abuser over you. Do not ever leave a child alone with her, even if her husband isn't there.

It's often when we have our own children that we realise how appalling our own parents were. Because we cannot imagine treating our own children the way that we were treated.

It's a confusing and painful realisation and it can trigger a huge anxiety about how you are parenting and the need to possibly question some things that you hadn't realised you were replicating from your own upbringing.

Your mother utterly failed to protect you as a child. NOT having social services get involved because your husband is injuring your child is a pretty fucking low bar. (Has she ever even apologised in a meaningful way?)

Protect yourself and your family now from this toxic pair. You deserve so much better flowers 💐

Bloody hell she sounds an absolute horrible woman. And your step father is an abusive arsehole who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children.

No, you are not being oversensitive here. You need to continue to stay away from your mother and stepfather who are both as terrible as one another. This is who they are, they are not going to change and its not your fault they are like this.

Why do you want a better relationship with your mother?. Think about your reasons behind this a lot more. She would have to want this too (she does not) and to me it sounds like you're being used by her as her personal emotional punchbag. Her own mother treated her very similarly; this sort of toxic crap can and does go down the generations but has ceased at you. Neither she or your stepfather have apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions here and will not do so either. It appears too she only wants to see your DS (and I see you are not mentioned in that) at weekends merely so she can play at doting grandma to her friends and work colleagues. Yet another reason therefore to stay away.

You indeed would not have tolerated this from a friend and really your mother is no different. I would start to drop all levels of interactions with them going forward. You need radiators in your life, not drains on you and your family. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and look also at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Since step dad used to lose his temper and hit me or throw things at me very regularly, for as long as I can remember until I was mid teens, hard enough for the bruising to prompt SS calls at school, and she did nothing to stop him or protect me, I don't really trust DS with them unsupervised.
That is how we know it is she who is the problem ,not you.
And you say she has never visited you.
I'd tell her that if she can be bothered ,she can come to you, without stepdad. Otherwise you visiting her will have to wait until Dc can travel without being sick. That's if you want to visit her at all.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. You are not being oversensitive at all.

Honestly, the stuff I've read on here and in books has made me feel that it could have been much worse. I try not to dwell on things like this because it makes me very sad. It's also strange for me because my little brother (a fair chunk of years years younger) had a very different upbringing (my step father being his bio father) with no violence, I'm not sure he even realises how different our lives were. He was also very very ill for years as a child though, so had to be better looked after. He doesn't get on with either of them massively though, mum for the same reasons I struggle with her.

My mum once did a half apology that 'that's the way things were for step dad when he was brought up' but then changed the subject. She really doesn't like to talk about anything difficult.

I feel for her because she was underage when she had me, she's had a difficult life, and I want a less stressful relationship with her with less guilt on my part partly to prove to myself that I am capable of normal healthy relationships and that I'm not the same as her. I dread to think DS feeeling about me the way me and brother feel about her, but of course we have a strict no hitting policy which DP agrees with completely.

I'm convinced that she does love me, she just doesn't seem equipped to handle life or relationships in general, and this makes me feel very sad for her. I'm sure she does want to play grandma very visibly to DS as well...

I will check out the SH thread thanks. I've avoided it as I don't like to cry, I'm not sure how to accept and move forwards from that kind of thing really.

Can't fix her, can't change her, etc.

Much as you wish things to be different, they are the way they are. Sounds like you're doing the best you can for your own child. She's a grown-up and it's up to her to decide her own life. You don't need to listen to or fix her. You couldn't escape as a child but now you have choices.

Your mother oversaw an abusive childhood and put a man ahead of her child's wellbeing.

She is a disgrace.

She abandoned you as quickly as she could.

You owe her NOTHING.

I suggest you do go over to Stately homes and definitely do not put your precious child through the discomfort of travelling.

As for leaving your baby with abusive people?

Absolutely not.

Your childhood was abusive through and through and I think the Stately Homes thread could help you. It may also be an idea to contact NAPAC [[https://napac.org.uk/]]

Your mother and stepfather had a choice when it came to you and both of them took the low road. She has done to you what was done to her in her own childhood. Your brother also does not get on with either of them which also speaks volumes.

Many people lead difficult lives but they do not all go on to be further abusive to their own children. Your abusive mother has and continues to put this man ahead of you; her relationship bar is that low to non existent. You are not the same as her and you can conduct normal emotionally healthy relationships. You would not and indeed have not treated your kids in the ways in which you were treated. You do not owe her anything let alone a relationship here. She does not feel any remorse or guilt as to how you were treated by him or for that matter her own self, she stood by and let this man hit and throw things at you. When she has not defended him she has been going on at you about your weight and the supposed untidiness of your house.

You all need to stay well away from these people.

And what happened to you was not your fault in any way; this is all entirely on them.

Thank you for the support, you've all given me a lot to think about.