Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Married and fell for someone else

34 replies

Muddledlife85 · 24/08/2021 18:39

Apologies in advance for the length of this post but looking for non judgmental advice 🙂

I'm married and have been with my husband for 14 years. We were happy for 12 years until we both started stressful jobs and found that we drifted apart.

That was fine until the beginning of this year...i found myself becoming closer with a work colleague. It began with random friendly messages and over a few months progressed into real feelings for this person.

I confided in this other person that I loved my husband to bits but wasn't sure if I was in love with him anymore. He said he felt similar towards his wife. Gradually we became closer (never doing anything about it) but I told my husband how I felt about not knowing if I was in love with him anymore.

He was shocked but didn't really think too much of it. I told him we needed to spend more time together as he was always working on emails after he finished work but things didn't change.

Again the feelings for this other person got stronger and we kissed. Over the next month or so he said he was confused about what he wanted to do....if he left his wife his kids would be crushed, family would hate him and he couldn't do that to them!

We agreed to remain friends but still found ourselves getting closer and feelings getting stronger. I told him he'd really hurt me with the way he would play mind games and he agreed he didn't deserve me being nice to him.

It came to a head when he said he'd tried to put me out of his mind and focus on his marriage but that he couldn't stop thinking of me and stuff.

He told me there was nothing about me he didn't like, that he felt like he loved me and could see a future with me and so on.

He then told his sister about me and not long after told me that he was sure this is what he wanted! I gave him the option to think properly about it as if he wasn't sure then we could go back to being friends and move on but if he was sure then I'd believe him.....told me he was sure and that he'd never hurt me the way he had previously.

That night he told his wife he didn't love her anymore (not that he had met anyone else) and would only be staying for the wrong reasons!

He rang me, told me what happened and after that night pretty much stopped messaging me. I would text asking if he was OK and he said he was shutting everyone out and just liked knowing I was there....he was on 2 weeks holiday from work at this point so I kind of figured out for myself that he had changed his mind!

Returned to work, back with his wife and is now acting as though this all never happened.

I asked him to explain to me what was going on and if he meant any of the stuff he said to me and he said he meant all of it but couldn't give me a reason why he did what he did.

I now have to work with this person and I feel as though he has broken me a bit.

I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm sure there will be plenty of replies full of bad things to say about me and how this situation happened but it is what it is.

You can't help who you fall for and I just need to know if there's anyone that has experienced anything like this? Its killing me having to work with him and I've worked so hard to get this job that I can't leave 😔

OP posts:

Stigofthedump40 · 24/08/2021 18:50

I think you both been living in fantasy land.. and he has been brought back to earth with a bump now

lyntheyresexpeople · 24/08/2021 18:50

He didn't tell his wife there was someone else, as he had no intention of leaving her.
I doubt he told her he didn't love her, or told his sister about you either tbh. Sounds like a test to see how far you'd go. Did you tell your husband another man was leaving his wife for you? Or that you had met someone?

merryhouse · 24/08/2021 18:53

Cold hard reality has hit him, I suspect. He won't want to be (part-)funding two households rather than one, and he doesn't want to be a part-time father.

It's much easier to say than to do, but you have to get over him. Then decide whether it's worth trying to remember what you liked about your husband in the first place.

Do you have children?

DGFB · 24/08/2021 18:54

I think you have to accept you fell for each other but that he doesn’t want to leave his wife and kids. You must respect that.
Regardless of him, do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you want to leave and be single? You have to ask yourself a lot of questions.
As for work, you cannot be friends with this man, don’t fool yourself. Keep your head down. Do your job.
And probably look for another job

Usedtolikebeet · 24/08/2021 18:54

I’m in a similar situation at the moment. It is SO hard. But I don’t work with them and very little chance of running into them. Still really difficult to put them out of my mind so I’m watching this thread for any advice.
We can’t help who we fall in love with X

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 19:02

You can't help who you fall for

Perhaps, but you can choose whether or not you act on it.

Firstly, take the blinders off. This man never told his sister, never told his wife, and he never had any intention of leaving his wife. He said what you wanted to hear to keep the fun going, but reality has kicked him in the arse and he's done playing games. At least for now with you.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, you need to leave. There's no shame in that, but do so with honesty and integrity. Stop cheating on your husband.

Marineboy67 · 24/08/2021 19:03

It's recognising how and when these things start from mild flirtation progressing on to emotional and physical affairs. Not quite sure about the 'not being able to help who you fall in love with' bit though. At any point we can choose to step back and prevent things progressing. Choice being the key word.
Unfortunately people don't and you haven't.
You can't change where you went with this person at work but you can change how you can positively move on and move forward.
Take a long hard look at your marriage and decide if it's what you really want. If your husband is unwilling to change and your feelings for him have changed then perhaps its probably crunch time.
I certainly wouldn't wish to be with someone knowing they in love with me as a person but not as a partner. What would be the point? I wouldn't want to be anybodies sympathy partner or them to be mine.

Thewookiemustgo · 24/08/2021 19:06

You can’t help who you fall for, no, but you can help what you then do about it. Nobody forced anyone, you both chose to pursue each other rather than end your relationships first or tell your partners honestly how you really felt.

Sounds to me like a big reality check burst the affair bubble and the only way he can keep his wife and family is by cutting you out of the picture. They are clearly who he wants for you to have been cut out of his life like this.
Don’t trust what he said to you, words are cheap and he knew what you wanted to hear. It’s his actions that reveal what he actually wants to do. He had to make a choice one day and when forced to it wasn’t you. The term is ‘future - faking’ and he did it to keep you, your admiration and possible future sexual relationship in the affair. Hint about a lovely future together but have no intention of doing it.
Of course he will tell you he meant every word to save your feelings/ try to keep you dangling/ avoid having to feel like he’s a bad person who used you. No doubt he “loves you but just can’t do that” to her/ the kids/ the dog/ the budgie.
No man is that kind of Saint and a cheat is already about as far from a Saint as you can get.
Learn from your mistake and let him go.

Loveabitofrain · 24/08/2021 19:11

It all looks rosey until you decide to do something about it.

Don’t do it. I promise it will bring far more heartache than it will pleasure.

Disneycharacter · 24/08/2021 19:11

You told him he was playing mind games with you. How many more red flags did you need?

MrsSchrute · 24/08/2021 19:16

I disagree with you op, that you can't help who you fall for.
Possibly you can't help the initial attraction, but if either you or he are unavailable, then you can absolutely help what comes after.
Most people will have felt the initial attraction. The best way to deal with it is to stay as far away from the other person as possible, do not indulge it. You, however, did indulge it. You cheated on your husband. And now you need to live with the situation that was absolutely within your control. Don't kid yourself that this was something that couldn't be helped.
If you're unhappy in your marriage either take steps to fix it, or leave, but forget about this guy.

Jerseygirl12 · 24/08/2021 19:22

Taking the OM out of the equation, do you want to stay married?
By the way what you did with the OM causes more agony than you’ll ever understand. It destroys people’s lives and causes more pain than having your eye stabbed with needle. Think about that.

Marineboy67 · 24/08/2021 19:34

@MrsSchrute

I disagree with you op, that you can't help who you fall for. Possibly you can't help the initial attraction, but if either you or he are unavailable, then you can absolutely help what comes after. Most people will have felt the initial attraction. The best way to deal with it is to stay as far away from the other person as possible, do not indulge it. You, however, did indulge it. You cheated on your husband. And now you need to live with the situation that was absolutely within your control. Don't kid yourself that this was something that couldn't be helped. If you're unhappy in your marriage either take steps to fix it, or leave, but forget about this guy.

Absolutely this....spot on

ComTruise · 24/08/2021 19:41

Absolutely this....spot on

OP, he never told his wife or sister anything - you got played.

CheesusWept · 24/08/2021 19:51

Ugh. What a sad cliche.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 24/08/2021 19:54

Leave your poor husband he deserves so much more.

3ormorecharactersss · 24/08/2021 20:06

OP - would you like to fix your marriage or are you done? Can you look for a new job or move departments or anything?

grapewine · 24/08/2021 20:11

OP, he never told his wife or sister anything - you got played.

This. You should probably take steps to leave your marriage, as you're unhappy, have cheated, and your husband deserves more than that.

Toottooot · 24/08/2021 20:19

Your poor husband. Boo hoo you feel like you’ve been hurt - maybe think how both your husband and his wife would feel - you know the innocent parties in this.

Dontwatchfootball · 24/08/2021 20:31

I think this happens a lot - one party get cold feet and bails rather than making the break. Always better to separate first and then see where things go.

Tiredofbs123 · 24/08/2021 20:50

He has clearly decided that the benefits of staying with his wife and children outweigh being with you.

You need to concentrate on your marriage, it starts by being honest with your husband. Give him his choice as to whether he stays with a cheat.

You do not get to make excuses with ‘you can’t help who you fall for’, affairs rock lives, the effects on children and families are far reaching, betrayed spouses suffer terrible consequences which damage their sexual, physical, mental and emotional health.

Be grateful this man ghosted you.

PicaK · 24/08/2021 21:03

You've had a lucky escape.
It will be very hard atm. But try and see this as a time to reboot and realign yourself.
Your marriage has drifted and you need to look at it with fresh eyes and see if you can make it work.
You need a cold shower to wash off your feelings for this guy. It wasn't real.
There's a website about affairs that's a good place to start.
www.emotionalaffair.org/

MrsMaizel · 24/08/2021 21:26

This has gone the way of most affairs - you get carried away with all the rush and the secrecy BUT when the chips are down someone chickens out and decides to stay where they are .

Onthedunes · 24/08/2021 22:36

"You loved your husband to bits, but were not sure you were in love with him"

What makes you think this?
I can tell you catagorically you do not love or respect your husband if you did this to him

You treated your marriage as a joke and your husband was the butt of that joke.
You don't even see that you should be feeling remorse, ther's nothing but sympathy for yourself.

You took him for granted, disrespected him and were disloyal, one day you may regret your actions.

Does any of this really matter now, you destroyed your pricipals for a player who never wanted you?

I think now it's about what your husband wants.

Blue4YOU · 24/08/2021 22:49

I wanted to say something helpful but yawn.. literally a cliche

Flip

1 2