Married and fell for someone else

[Muddledlife85]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post but looking for non judgmental advice 🙂

I'm married and have been with my husband for 14 years. We were happy for 12 years until we both started stressful jobs and found that we drifted apart.

That was fine until the beginning of this year...i found myself becoming closer with a work colleague. It began with random friendly messages and over a few months progressed into real feelings for this person.

I confided in this other person that I loved my husband to bits but wasn't sure if I was in love with him anymore. He said he felt similar towards his wife. Gradually we became closer (never doing anything about it) but I told my husband how I felt about not knowing if I was in love with him anymore.

He was shocked but didn't really think too much of it. I told him we needed to spend more time together as he was always working on emails after he finished work but things didn't change.

Again the feelings for this other person got stronger and we kissed. Over the next month or so he said he was confused about what he wanted to do....if he left his wife his kids would be crushed, family would hate him and he couldn't do that to them!

We agreed to remain friends but still found ourselves getting closer and feelings getting stronger. I told him he'd really hurt me with the way he would play mind games and he agreed he didn't deserve me being nice to him.

It came to a head when he said he'd tried to put me out of his mind and focus on his marriage but that he couldn't stop thinking of me and stuff.

He told me there was nothing about me he didn't like, that he felt like he loved me and could see a future with me and so on.

He then told his sister about me and not long after told me that he was sure this is what he wanted! I gave him the option to think properly about it as if he wasn't sure then we could go back to being friends and move on but if he was sure then I'd believe him.....told me he was sure and that he'd never hurt me the way he had previously.

That night he told his wife he didn't love her anymore (not that he had met anyone else) and would only be staying for the wrong reasons!

He rang me, told me what happened and after that night pretty much stopped messaging me. I would text asking if he was OK and he said he was shutting everyone out and just liked knowing I was there....he was on 2 weeks holiday from work at this point so I kind of figured out for myself that he had changed his mind!

Returned to work, back with his wife and is now acting as though this all never happened.

I asked him to explain to me what was going on and if he meant any of the stuff he said to me and he said he meant all of it but couldn't give me a reason why he did what he did.

I now have to work with this person and I feel as though he has broken me a bit.

I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm sure there will be plenty of replies full of bad things to say about me and how this situation happened but it is what it is.

You can't help who you fall for and I just need to know if there's anyone that has experienced anything like this? Its killing me having to work with him and I've worked so hard to get this job that I can't leave 😔

You can't help feeling attraction, but you can control what you do about it. I have had a huge crush on a man for about 5 years now. I have never told him or even hinted, I wouldn't disrespect him, his wife or my family. I have an inkling he might like me, but he has never crossed the line. If he did, he wouldn't be the man I admire.

You need to have a long hard think about why you think this has happened. I know exactly why I feel the way I do about my 'crush. My partner let me down with a one night stand. Whilst he has moved heaven and earth to try and repair the damage we can never go back to where we were. My crush is so loyal to his wife he represents how I used to feel about my partner.

Sorry OP but the reason this is 'so' awful - is that you are married and you can't share this secret. Millions of people every day think they have a relationship starting and experience break up- he goes back to his ex or he doesn't commit. It's not different to every other heartbreak out there which everyone deals with- to feel bad and then, I time, feel better!

What you experience is nothing worse- but the secrecy intensified all those emotions in your fantasy other life, and now it tortures you.
The lesson is not to be so deceitful, duplicitous, manipulative and callous. Your DH doesn't deserve it, unless he's also having an affair. Live an authentic life because anything else will make you miserable. There isn't really a way out of being tortured by your own web of deception other than to escape the life of deceit.

He’s played you like a fiddle, OP.

I think it’s clear he doesn’t want to be with you- he had the opportunity to end his marriage to be with you but decided against it. Whatever he told you was wrong in his relationship, he decided it was better than being with you.

In your shoes, I’d be looking for a new job. You may convince yourself otherwise, but people in work know there’s something going on. At some stage resentment will build and one of you will do/say something that puts the other’s career at risk; likely yours.

And sort out a divorce. You’ve barely mentioned your marriage so I’m guessing it’s not to the forefront of your mind. What you’re doing to your husband is cruel and unnecessary.

Echoing many of the sentiments above, tell your husband that you couldn't help who you fell for and that you love him to bits but are not in love with him. Let him decide what happens next.

The guy at work completely played you, he didn't tell his wife or sister and was just trying to sleep with you. Move on, get a new job and thank your lucky stars you've still got a marriage.

Zero sympathy for cheaters and their hurt angst ridden feelings but your poor poor husband and the OMs wife. Neither of them deserve this.

What has gone around has come around. That is all.

Loving somebody but not being in love with them is meaningles. Its a cliche which means literally fuck all.

Echoing others.

He told no one. He was going nowhere. You were only ever a possible Nat King. At least you didn’t give him the satisfaction of that. I would wager he has form for this.

You may have felt all in. He never was.

If it feels awkward at work? Suck it up. Stay coolly professional. But I don’t see why you should be the one to leave.

My sympathy is with his wife and your husband.