Historic abuse and debt - TW

[CrashingAgain]

Name changed due to the horror of this situation.

I just found out my poor husband was abused for many years as a child by his uncle, who is now dead. He told my DH that if DH stopped the abuse, he would move on to his younger brother. DH found out last year that the uncle had abused his brother anyway. This left DH completely broken as he thought he had spared his brother by going through the horror himself.

I wasn’t aware of this until today when I opened a strange looking letter and found that DH has accrued credit card charges. I was very confused as we had a long discussion about debt last year and DH had confessed to me that he had £20k debt from before we met six years ago. I paid half of it off with savings and we got a new mortgage with DH as the sole earner (I had a nervous breakdown last year due to bullying at work and resigned after a period of sick leave). I thought we had about £8k debt plus the mortgage now, which DH was managing.

DH has now sent me a rambling text telling me about the abuse and that he was actually £50k in debt and couldn’t face telling me. He said he was scared of losing me and our child, and he’s spent his whole life lying and dissembling because of the abuse. He said he couldn’t find the courage to tell me about the abuse and the debt, and now it’s all come out. He’s beside himself and we’re both totally heartbroken about the situation.

I’ve just texted him to ask the extent of the debt, I feel like I’m paralysed until I know if we’re going to lose our house. He said he’s been on a downward spiral since finding out about his brother so god knows what the actual figure is now.

Debt aside this is just such a terrible situation. I feel so heartbroken for DH, in shock really, and heartbroken and in shock for me, terrified for the future... just everything really.

Don’t know what advice I’m looking for.. I love my husband dearly and he is honestly a wonderful husband and father to our child. I know it doesn’t sound like it with the secret debt but I can’t imagine the pain he must be in from years of abuse. I just feel so much sorrow for our little family and what’s happened.

Thanks for reading and any advice.

Oh god. You poor poor thing, and your poor DH. What a heartbreaking situation.

I wish I had some advice for you, I just couldn't read and run. I know wiser people than I am will be along to help you. Sending you love and strength. I hope you can find a way through.

Therapy for him and complete financial control over to you are what I would recommend. If he's willing to go along with that, I'd try and work through it with him. But that's from cold clear sighted distance. I can only imagine what each of you is going through.

NAPAC can offer support for survivors of historical abuse.

napac.org.uk/

Once you have the details of the debt, contact Christians Against Poverty for support. They're non judgmental and will talk you through your options.

capuk.org/

I can imagine this is a very overwhelming situation for both of you. There are people that want to help, you're not on your own.

It's horrible, very sorry for your DH and the whole situation.

On practical note, can you take control of finances and together with him freeze his credit cards? Or any other ways for him to get into more debts?

complete financial control over to you

This just doesn't work in practice. It's demeaning, it doesn't rebuild trust, and it leads to more secrecy. Trying to control a victim of abuse - however good your intentions - is not at all healthy.

You poor things. I think therapy is definitely worth looking into for him and also maybe speaking with stepchange if the debt has become unmanageable. I had some great results with them. They'll freeze the cards so no more debt can be accrued.

Do you know what the debt was from? Is there any gambling etc that you or he needs support for?

@CorrBlimeyGG

complete financial control over to you

This just doesn't work in practice. It's demeaning, it doesn't rebuild trust, and it leads to more secrecy. Trying to control a victim of abuse - however good your intentions - is not at all healthy.

I can't begin to understand what the ops husband us going through and I hope he gets help. But in the meantime, although I can see what you're saying, I wouldn't be able to keep the status quo of my husband being able to carry on spending money while I never knew if I was about to be ejected onto the streets. Either I controlled the money and he had no access to anything other than what I gave him, or we'd have to split. Its a form of abuse to keep someone permanently terrified of the financial future. I except that that is not the op's husband's intention at all, but that is the scenario that he has created.

What was he or is he spending money on? I can’t tell if this spree was in the past or still ongoing.
Therapy to help him deal with the abuse will probably help the other issue as well. Gambling, drugs, shopping?

Thanks very much for all your replies, I’ve got no one to turn to and it’s such a relief and comfort to post here.

He’s told me the debt is £42k, he’s been paying it off in secret for the past year so it’s actually lower than I first feared. I’ve begged him to be honest and he says he is being honest and that I can have full control of all our finances from now on. I didn’t ask, he offered, so hopefully he won’t feel like he’s being pushed in to it. I feel sick enough at £42k as that’s more than our savings, which I now feel is worthless. I’m trying hard not to be self pitying as his awful childhood is so much worse than a bit of debt, but I worked and saved so hard for that money, for us and for our DC.

I’ll be unpicking where exactly the money has gone with him tonight, he told me he had a gambling problem years ago which is where a lot of the debt was accrued, so I’m really hoping most of the £42k is an old debt. He works away a lot which makes it difficult to keep track of his spending, I’ve been asking to see our accounts for months and he kept telling me he’d lost his online PIN, but I’m going to have to get a bit more militant in that respect or it might all spiral away again.

I’ve got so many emotions around the deceit and lies he’s told me over the past few years but I feel like I can’t bring any of it up because of the terrible things he’s been through. I knew he had a terrible childhood anyway as his dad was violent and they had to flee in the night repeatedly, moved around a lot, no money etc. He’s worked so hard to become a successful and secure man and I’ve always been so proud of him for overcoming such a dreadful past. My heart breaks for him to hear this revelation today.

Op I'm so sorry for you and your DH. What an awful situation for all of you.

You said that the debt is "more than our savings" - which sounds like your savings are not insignificant. Debt collection agencies are often willing to accept an offer of final payment at a significant reduction of the debt. EG if the debt is 10k to one company and 20k to another and 12k to another one, (42k total) and your savings are 21k, you could offer all of them 50% of what's owed in cash, right now. (So 5k to the first, 10k to the second and 6k to the third.) Companies will often accept an offer like this because they know if they go through the expensive CCJ process they often end up with less, and it's coming in over a period of years. They'd rather have some payment now than all payment maybe never.

There are guides on the money saving expert website, and Stepchange and CAP can also help.

As you recognise, your DH has lied and deceived you but that is not what you should focus on now. He needs counselling that focuses on the abuse and will probably also touch on the reasons for the debt and his habits of keeping secrets, which have been engrained by the abuse.

You may also consider counselling for yourself to talk through your feelings about all this without putting it back on your DHs shoulders. "Support in, dump out" should be your mantra.

All my sympathy and best wishes to all of you 💐

I think first of all, you need to show him compassion and that he and his wellbeing is more important than the debts. Your first response seems to be about the debt. Tell him that his wellbeing means everything to you and that you can work on the debts as a separate issue, together.

42K is a big number but many students leave university with big debt plus mortgage and car payments. Together you two can work on this.
He may not have the best interest rate on this loan. It might be worthwhile looking at improving that. Then looking at how much is a good amount to pay down per month.

@SummerWhisper

I did wonder if someone would suggest I’m making more of the debt than the abuse. Well yes I am on here, as it’s my only place to vent about any of this. DH has sworn me to secrecy so I can’t tell friends or family. As far as they know, we have a healthy savings pot and I’m enjoying starting a new career as a part time freelancer and decorating the house in my spare time. And until midday today, that’s what I thought too. I’ve now had the rug ripped completely from beneath me and am facing not only losing all the savings we have, but having to scrabble around for some kind of proper job to make up the £15k shortfall. My father had nothing growing up and he slaved to give me a good education so I could have a good job and savings and not be facing down considerable debt in my 40s. In the space of a morning that hope has been smashed to smithereens. So yes, this news is fairly devastating.

The other news doesn’t feel real yet tbh, and I’m wondering how much my brain is fixating on the debt to avoid thinking about the horror of the abuse. DH isn’t home until tomorrow and we haven’t spoken bar texts today, so I don’t think any of this will sink in until we’ve had a proper talk. I’m shitting myself, I have no idea how to approach this and I don’t want him to just brush it under the carpet, but I don’t want to push him too much.

The texts I have sent him are all loving and supportive, he knows he’s loved and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got to be honest, that’s as much as I can manage at the moment as I’m in shock about everything - the abuse, the lies, the debt. And I can’t pretend the lies and debt don’t matter, and he knows I shouldn’t have to. I’m still a person too, and that’s why I’m on here talking and hoping for support while I support him.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation @fallfallfall thanks a lot for that financial advice. I’ve never been in debt before so I’m staggering blindly in to this… no doubt I can spend the evening looking up advice online. DH said the bank suggested we put some of the debts in to the overall mortgage debt… I wish I’d known about this when we signed as o would’ve agreed and we could’ve got some of this sorted, but DH kept it from me as he was dealing solely with the financial side due to me quitting my job. Ironically I was the sole owner of my own property when we met and had decent equity, no other debts. In the space of a couple of years I’m in a totally different situation and none of it is my own making. Sorry I know I sound self pitying but I feel like I’ve been robbed by the person who claims to love me the most. And I know it’s not really his fault so I’m flailing around with loads of hurt and anger and nowhere to put it.

It might be an idea for him to seek help with his gambling problem if that was how it was accrued. There are various sources of help with this, some listed here www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/

I would not count on it being "all in the past" or something he's over, as if he was addicted, then it's likely he still is and even if not gambling right now, he could relapse. Better to seek proper support now.

Instead of controlling the finances, I would aim for full visibility. No matter how sorry he is, after a while being accountable to you for what he spends will cause friction and resentment. Plus it's not fair on you to have to be responsible on his behalf.

And being angry and resentful about your financial stability being risked is perfectly natural and OK. He has effectively robbed you and your family unit.

It would be a good idea to talk to a counsellor (or someone safe) on your own and express those feelings of betrayal and anger. Yes he's vulnerable and went through tremendous trauma, but it doesn't mean what he's done hasn't hurt you.

Reading that back I know I’m not coming across in a sympathetic light. I’ve sent DH multiple supportive and loving messages today, and I do feel those emotions, but I started this thread to just get my thoughts and feelings out, and right now I’m feeling hurt and betrayed and that’s just the way it is, I guess.

It's perfectly natural to feel angry - you're not a bloody saint, you're a human being.

Thanks @category12 it’s really nice to hear that I have a right to feel the way I do. I feel like a monster for caring so much about the money, but it was everything for us; our safety net, our holiday fund, treats for DC, our new kitchen when this one finally goes kaput in a few years. Now we’ll be living month to month for god knows how long and all my hopes of going PT after 25 years of working FT and saving every spare penny are dashed.

I'm so sorry about the abuse and I hope he is able to get the support he so needs.

With the gambling, I'd be pretty sure it's still going on. On that front you need to be tough and make him log onto this website in front of you. Yeah in front of you, with his correct, full name and DOB. It will block him from all UK gambling sites. He may well try and put this off, make excuses or lie. It has to be done. www.gamstop.co.uk/

You really need full disclosure about what he's spent this money on and access to is accounts to see what his current expenditures are. Otherwise there's nothing to stop him racking up even bigger debts.

@OneFootintheRave thanks that’s a brilliant tip and I will definitely be doing that with him. I’m so hoping that what he’s going to tell me later is that the debt is mostly historical gambling debts from before we met , and some debt from going off the rails a bit when he heard about his brother last year, which he’s now reined in and is repaying. I feel like even typing this shows my head is still in the sand though and I need to get real. I will definitely request full disclosure of every account and password etc. He has offered this so I’m hoping he’ll do whatever we need to get our family back on track.

Oh god the abuse stuff is really starting to hit me. I can’t believe what my poor DH has had to endure. I keep thinking of childhood photos of him I’ve seen and my heart breaks for that poor little boy. How can anyone do this to an innocent child. Right now I’d pay every penny I have for him to have had a different past.

Crashing again, please don't worry about not coming across as sympathetic. This is your space and you can vent or express in any way you feel fit. Therapy might be useful for you too. It probably feels like you are doing a lot of validating his emotions but not able to get the same back as you are censoring yourself somewhat. All emotions are welcome here.

In respect of the debt, it's high but there's lots that can be done. I really recommend going to the Debt Free Wannabe forums on money saving expert. There's lots of stories of people with high debt who are now debt free and in many cases where they either kept it to themselves or weren't informed as you are. StepChange is a charity that can help you work out a plan and separate out priority debts (mortgage, council tax etc) and non-priority debts, write to creditors and arrange payment plans.

What happened to him was so awful. It does ache in your chest when you realise someone so deserving of love has been abused in such a distressing way. Be there for him but I strongly recommend that he seeks professional advice too. It will be very hard to look after yourself whilst supporting him, I know this from personal experience and specialist help is so valuable. I really hope things settle for you both soon even though the journey ahead will be difficult.

@Colourmeclear thanks so much for your reply. I’m feeling every negative emotion under the sun right now, plus I’ve been alone at home all day, flicking through TV channels and pacing around and staring at my phone and just sobbing. It’s been the longest and saddest day of my life and it’s been so helpful to speak to people here.

I finally spoke to my husband an hour ago and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the money apart from to say it doesn’t matter right now. DH is a broken man and right now just needs my support. I’m hoping we can pay off a big chunk of the debt and set up a repayment plan for the rest, I think they’re mostly credit cards and bank loans, so perhaps we can consolidate some. We may be able to hang on to some money for if the roof caves in or boiler explodes rather than chucking it all at this debt immediately. I’ve decided I’ll have a proper chat with him about it over the weekend when we’ve both had a bit of time to process what’s happening. I feel like I can’t leave it indefinitely though as it’s still a problem which requires immediate attention.

I want so much for DH to get professional help. I’ve had therapy on and off for years and it’s been a lifesaver for me at times. I can tell he’s desperate to talk to someone about this as his text was rambling and very emotive, but I can tell he doesn’t necessarily want it to be me. And if I’m honest, I don’t know if I want it to be me either. I will always support him and be willing to listen, but I felt woefully out of my depth trying to counsel him just now and also terrified of what I might hear. I know that’s selfish and cowardly but it’s true.