Partner abusive when drunk and wets himself

[LilBells]

Hi. I'm not even a Mum, but when I've Google searched my perdicament, you guys always pop up.
My boyfriend of 7 years is a heavy drinker. Not out of norm for a 48 year old British male (or female), but the issue arises because of how he is towards ME after 4 pints onwards. I have to point out the ME in capital letters because he is like it towards no one else when drunk.. Just ME. No one in his family, nor his friends, see what he's like. My partner is exceptionally good at hiding his drunken side to others who love him.

When he's drinking, this can be from 3 drinks onwards, he gets nasty and verbally abusive towards me. The worst thing of all though is that he wets himself. The bed, the bathroom floor, the bedroom carpets. I've literally lost track of the number of times it's happened over the years. He doesn't even think he had to apologise anymore. He just tries to pass it all off as a normal thing that all guys do. I'm disgusted. But the worst thing of all is that he attempts to have me believe that no other person on this earth would have an issue with it. That no other woman he knows would make a "song & dance" about it. Well, I disagree. Thing is, I can't ask my female friends as I don't want them to know he does this. In a stupid way, I guess I'm protecting him. I'm so angry at him, so angry at myself. He does it every time he goes out. It's my house and tbh, I want to end the relationship with him.. But when I've tried to do that many times before, he loses his temper and starts to threaten me with all sorts of things. He says "I'm going to tell, everyone what you're like.." but there's nothing to tell.. I'm just continually angry at him . This weekend same thing happened, alcohol ridden man pi55 all over my bathroom floor. I slipped up in it.. Its vile. I went out and told him to clean it up. He got abusive and did his usual "gas lighting" by trying to make me believe I was exaggerating.. He said "it's just a bit of dribble.." I promise you, it certainly was Not. It was a full bladder all over my floor. It's happened so many times that I've started to feel my entire home smells of wee. I am so terribly down.
He makes out that because he is nice all the other times, generous, etc, that I should therefore "overlook" his drunken behaviour., the bed wetting. I now make him sleep in spare room. He just pi55es the bed, turn the mattress over, washes his clothes from previous night that he fell asleep in, and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

He will then sulk for days if I'm angry at him. He will often say things like "are you still holding on to this.." in reference to my anger.. In the past, he promised time and time and time again he will sort his drinking out. That he won't drink or take coke. That he will control his temper. But he's done absolutely nothing about it.

I hate him when he drinks.. I get hugely anxious when I know he's due to be drinking.
He's otherwise a nice guy.. Most people think he's a saint.. But that's because he saves all his anger up for me
I wish his family knew what he was like.
I know I'd be better off without him, but he's a master in manipulation and gas lighting.. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever escape this merry go round.

I'd he tempted to film him so his family and friends know how abusive he is but it might put you in danger so probably not a good idea but I'd want some evidence for when you dump him and he starts telling everyone how it's your fault etc

Would you accept him peeing all over the floor sober? No, so why accept it because he’s drunk? It’s not an excuse. He is a vile prick who is treating you like shit. When you break up with him (not if and hopefully soon) it’s none of his families business. Do what is right for you I promise you won’t regret it. Go and meet someone who will love and respect you.

I can only second what everyone else has posted. Just to add a context for terms of 'what's normal', I used to work in supported accommodation for men with drug or alcohol issues, and even the alcohol dependent guys in there would be respectful enough to be embarrassed if they'd wet the bed. One or two would have plastic mattresses just in case but they were a lot older. It was rare for people to wee anywhere else - only really if a new arrival (mistaking a wardrobe for a toilet for example, if they were in unfamiliar surroundings) People only wet the bed when asleep when they are seriously drunk - as in, wouldn't wake if there's a fire drunk. It's a serious, serious level of drinking.

Not sure what's happened to the op but this might feel quite cathartic to write....

I was married to a man who 'swamps' (wets himself drunk). He gaslit me with all the same rubbish that other partners tolerate it. He said his mum was used to cleaning up after him. After we had fc he very rarely drank but it usually happened and I couldn't bare it. He's a similar age to the man in the op.

At one time when we were limping on with the marriage I told him if he wanted to drink he must stay at a friends house or not go. Ha! His friends wouldn't have him to stay! They all knew he wet the bed!! So it carried on....

We have been divorced 10 years and after a few ups and downs we get on quite well now. Mostly because he finally grew the fuck up and stopped hard drinking altogether and or going out out.

Wow. I'm totally blown away by your comments. I read back my own original post and "thought have I put it across wrongly for everyone to be so adamant.." but no, I've put it across exactly how it is.. In fact, that's not all of the story tbh.
I feel incredibly weak, stupid, pathetic, for going on this long. Reading your replies has given me a real wake up call. I wish I'd joined the group sooner. Yes, I do love him.. But I truly do know that he is slowly breaking me.
I did start Al Anon, just before covid struck, but I've not returned.
Earlier in another heated discussion, he said I was using the weeing on the bathroom floor as an excuse to start a row.
I wish I had the focus and strength of some of you all on here. I feel so low and alone.. I just don't know where to begin if I share with anyone.. I've kept his treatment of me secret for so long, it'll be as though people will think I've suddenly made it up. I've just humbled along.. I'm the sort of person who, when asked "are you ok", I always reply with "oh yrs, I'm really good thanks.." when in fact, I am far from good at all.
The only Person I confide in is my dear rock, my mum. But she is nearly 80 and she doesn't deserve to see her daughter like this. I know that.
The outcome of an earlier heated row at teatime ended with him telling me I was crap in bed, that he will pull down any DIY he did, that he will tell everyone how impossible I am, and how "moody" I am. He has gone away for the night. Taken lots of stuff. Its as though he hates me. Its destroying me witnessing him be so nice to everyone else.. Bit like you guys say,.. so what.
Thank you x

Call someone first thing and have them change the locks. Dont let him back in. If he thinks it's his own idea to leave itll be easier to keep him away.

Jump to it op. You can do this.

Welcome to your new life op!!! The best thing about it? Swampy won't be in it telling you all those nasty things!!! Honestly what an utter cock he is.

How fabulous that he's stormed off, doesn't this play right into your hands? Get the locks changed tomorrow and pack up the rest of his stuff - this is just the catalyst you need.

You deserve so much more.

@feliciabirthgiver

How fabulous that he's stormed off, doesn't this play right into your hands? Get the locks changed tomorrow and pack up the rest of his stuff - this is just the catalyst you need.

You deserve so much more.

Hear hear

Put the rest of his stuff in bin bags and don't let him back in the house. Change the locks if you need to.

YOU DESERVE BETTER! And repeat. You can do this!

Hear hear from me too!

When you have been apart for a while, his true colours will start showing to others.

Protect yourself, as suggested, get the locks changed and don't let him talk you round!

What a great life you are going to have from now on.

Don’t let him back in the house. Pack his stuff and drop it at a friend’s place or a relative’s. Change the locks so he can’t get in. It is your place and you are legally entitled to do this.

My cousin confided in me after years of going through almost the same. This kind of behaviour is sadly far more common. Her ex pissed on the sofa, in the bed and in other places and didn't even have any sense of shame anymore. She eventually had enough and left him but not before peeing many times in a bucket and then emptying it all over his things. Guess what, he didn't like it.

He is absolutely disgusting. How can you bear to be in a sexual relationship with him? The thought of a partner peeing anywhere but the toilet in my house makes me feel physically sick.

LTB

He just tries to pass it all off as a normal thing that all guys do.
It isn’t. I hope you get away from this awful man.

Perfect, the rubbish took itself out - now please don't let it back in again!! He's a disgusting, abusive arse, and if his family and friends believe he is so perfect they can live with him pissing all over their houses for a while can't they. Please tell your friends what has been happening, get yourself some support, let them help you throw his stuff in bin bags and chuck it out for him to collect, get the locks changed. You don't need anyone's permission to end this, particularly his. If he wants to he can go ahead and tell anyone he wants to "what you are really like", most people won't listen, won't believe it, or just won't care, they'll know it's him being bitter about his ex, like every other bloke who ever got dumped. Not really a very effective threat is it. You can do this, you are strong enough, you deserve a happy life in your lovely home.

Don;t let him back, OP. Take this opportunity to have a clean break. Change the locks. Bag his stuff up for collection by one of the many people who apparently think he's the bee's knees. Please don't doubt yourself for a second - his behaviour is in no way normal and you are NOT overreacting. You clearly expect better for yourself and you are quite right to. If you don't want to get sucked into the "everyone else pisses the floor when drunk and you're uptight and weird if you have a problem with it" argument [suggesting, frankly, that you've been gaslighted so hard you no longer know which way is up], then just parrot "you can't possibly want to stay in a relationship with someone who's so crap in bed" like a broken bloody record.

TLDR: you owe this cunt nothing. Just cut him loose.

OP you are worth so much more than him.
Don't let him back in if at all possible.
Your life will be so much better in the future.

Change the locks. Message him a few things you will tell people about him if he doesn’t creep away and stay away. Any abuse , tearing down of stuff, the whole world will know he sleeps in a room with wee soaked mattress and carpet, bathroom floor regularly covered in full bladder loads of piss etc. it is HIS shame not yours. he will back off.

When you keep things like alcoholism and emotional abuse a secret, it increases the sense of shame and isolation you feel. When you being to tell people who understand, believe and care about you, you'll find that shame won't survive the daylight and empathy.

You've been in survival mode, just doing what it takes to survive the weekend and try and keep up appearances. It must be exhausting.

Seek out support from women's aid, al-anon, and your friends and family. You can do this.

No one deserves to be living the way you have. We all understand that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Even if he appears charming to your social circle and they are surprised at first, you might find he wasn't as good at hiding it as you both thought.

Start looking forward to a future with clean beds, carpets, with the weight of the secret lifted from your shoulders, not worrying about the weekend or bracing yourself for emotional abuse and nastiness. But end the relationship safely, and get whatever support you need to do that. Don't put yourself at risk.

Hiding it and protecting him from the consequences of his actions isn't helping him either. He'll drink himself to death if he doesn't change.

It's important to realise that he is abusive as well as an alcoholic, it's not the case that if he was sober all the time he'd treat you well. He drinks as an excuse to be abusive too

Please pack his stuff up and change the locks. Don’t let him back into your life. He can find someone else to abuse. Your strength will increase hour by hour. Don’t give in and don’t go back. And then clean your house and make it beautiful for you. And invite your mum around for tea and cake xxx

Don't let him back. You deserve a much better life than this

Neither the abuse nor the wetting himself is ok. And even if they were perfectly normal, quite frankly you're perfectly entitled to leave if you're unhappy.

I really do wonder if they believe their own bullshit
My stbxh used to constantly tell me I was just looking for a fight if I questioned his drinking. He reckoned everyone drinks in the morning and it's totally normally and I was just mental and 'ruining the weekend yet again'
He's also just recently told me everyone thinks I'm full of shit and no one else thinks he has a drink problem